I used to be a real “jerk.”  Seriously.  I can’t go back and change the past, which sometimes makes looking back at how I used to conduct myself even more difficult and frustrating.

I used to say horribly rude things to people — to their faces — and laugh about it.  I used to tease and poke fun at people and enjoy it.  I used to have fun at the expense of other people.  I said things that were hurtful and I used to find pleasure in other people’s pain.

I am at a much better place now.  I can’t say that I’m perfect!  I still have my moments, but I can definitely live better with who I am now than who I used to be.  I’ve been thinking about what life was for me back then and why I acted the way I did, and I wanted to share some “confessions” I have as a recovering “jerk.”

1. Even though I seemed to enjoy making fun of people, at the end of the day I still didn’t feel any better.

I think the reason why this was the case was because I wasn’t contributing any positive energy toward anyone.  Negative energy is negative energy, and when you’re dishing it out, nothing positive is really coming back to you.  No wonder I didn’t feel good about myself or anything else!  I was not helping myself get any positive wishes or energy from anywhere or anyone.

2. Life was full of obstacles and unfortunate events around every corner.

This is in many ways related to confession number one above.  My life was a reflection of my inside.  I didn’t have much joy or happiness, and if they came my way it was only for a short duration.  I wasn’t resonating with positivity or happiness, that’s for sure.  I was giving energy to everything I didn’t want, focusing on what was bad in life rather than putting my efforts into what I would actually like to see out of my life.  Struggle and resistance were no strangers to me during this time in my life.

3. I had something to hide.

Yes, I had something to hide, and that was my pain.  To try to cover up the pain that I was enduring internally, I figured I could create a lot of noise externally to take attention away from me.  I was suffering, and I was in a lot of emotional pain, but you never would have guessed it because I was brash, cocky, sarcastic, and obnoxious.  Yeah, I thought I was pretty funny, but the people who were the butt of my jokes probably thought I was just slapped me with the label of being a jerk.  They were right.  And I was just trying to hide from my pain.

4. I was afraid.

I was afraid of a lot of things.  I was afraid of change.  I was afraid of failure.  I was afraid that life wouldn’t get any better.  I was afraid to take chances and I was afraid of being an outcast.  My strategy for dealing with my fears was to give in to my ego.  I let my self interests and my selfish thinking take over.  I made sure that I squashed any potential threats to my security and safety.  I would get verbally aggressive with other people.  I would raise my voice and complain publicly.  I would shout and scream sometimes to get my point across.  The bottom line is that I was afraid and selfish all at the same time.

5. Life wasn’t much fun at all.

When you take confessions one through four and put them all together, it’s absolutely true that life wasn’t much fun at all.  It was full of empty happiness and one disappointment after another.  I was fearful and obnoxious, and I wasn’t an enjoyable person to be around.  I’m quite surprised that anyone cared to hang around with me and all of my negative energy at all!  Life wasn’t grand and life was certainly not wonderful at all.  Not in the least.

So what happened to turn things around for me?  To be honest, it was an inside-out process.  I had to come to the realization that I couldn’t continue to live the way I was living.  It was as if something deep down within me knew that this person I had become was not my true self.  Deep down, I stood for something else, and there was a small flickering flame within that represented what I really stood for.

I started to throw some kindling on that small flame and it started to grow from within.  That fire grew stronger and greater as time went on, and I was able to recognize my core beliefs and values as they started to come to the surface.  My compassion for others grew and I became more empathetic and in tune with myself and others.  Most of all, I realized that my happiness doesn’t come as a result of depriving others of happiness.  My happiness is in direct correlation with the amount of happiness I try to bring to others.

So here I am, still imperfect in many ways, and still a work in progress.  As much as that may be true, at least I am happy with where I am right now, and I’m thrilled about where I am going.

If you’re struggling to find who you really are and if you’re searching for a better life, I hope that you can look within and find that part of you, deep inside, that will speak up and tell you who you really are and what you stand for.  It definitely helps to meditate and find peace within yourself and listen for that “inner voice” which will tell you what you need to hear.  I wish you the best as you continue your work to be someone you can be proud to look at in the mirror!

Are there any other recovering “jerks” out there?  Does this article resonate with you?  Do you have anything to add or comment upon?  I’d love to hear from you!

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About a week and a half ago we sold one of our vehicles.  It was getting up there in age, and we decided it was time to find another one.  I never really enjoyed the process of shopping for cars, but it actually was not all that unpleasant this time around.

When reflecting on the whole process, I can go back to one simple “shift” that has occurred overall in my thinking since the last time I shopped for vehicles that made all the difference in my life, and so I want to share that “shift” with you, so that it can help you and enhance your quality of life and reduce stress and anxiety in your future experiences.

The “shift” is simple — it’s merely moving from a “scarcity-based” mindset to an “abundance-based” mindset.  It’s understanding that there is always more of something out there for you if you go looking for it.  The universe will provide for you provided that you align yourself to receive the abundance that is waiting to be unfolded to you.

The significance of making this shift is that it moves you from a “fear-based” mindset and slides you right into a “spirit-based” one.  It changes your personality and alters your perspective.

Take my vehicle shopping experience, for example.  I’ll start off by saying I don’t usually buy new vehicles.  I prefer to buy pre-owned cars.  For those of you who also buy pre-owned vehicles, you know there are so many variables and so many things you have to consider, like the vehicle’s previous history, mileage, age, and so forth.  It’s kind of like dating!

We found this one particular vehicle that we really liked.  Everything was falling in line with what we were looking for — except the price.  It was priced a little higher than we would have preferred.  Negotiations were pretty simple in this case, because the dealer wouldn’t budge down and we wouldn’t move up much either.  We just got up and walked away.

The reason it was so easy to get up and walk away is because we both knew that there were many more vehicles just like this out there for us to find.  With all the available vehicles out there, we knew there was an abundant supply, and we just hadn’t found the right one yet.  Because we dialed in to abundance and the “spirit-based” mindset, we opened ourselves up to that perfect vehicle that was out there waiting for us.  Had we dialed in to fear and scarcity, we would have worried that we were going to lose this vehicle, and we would have negotiated higher than what we had planned to do.

Sure enough, the perfect vehicle for us was out there waiting.  Actually, it was even “more perfect.”  It was our favorite color — black.  It was a certified pre-owned vehicle.  Best of all, it was right there within the price range we wanted.  We love it, and the kids love it.  Everyone’s happy.

When you dial into abundance, you dial in to the opportunities that are available to you.  You open yourself up to possibilities that are out there, just waiting for you.  When you dial into fear, your perspective narrows.  Your choices become limited, and you dial into the possibility that the few things you have can be taken away from you.

Just by making one simple “shift” from scarcity to abundance, it has turned my life around forever and the world has never looked the same since.  I hope that by making similar small “shifts” in your life, you can find the blessings of abundance that are out there for you and you alone, just waiting to be found!

On my radio show this week:

On Monday at 12:00 PM Central I will be welcoming Evelyn Lim to my radio show to talk about overcoming the “Money Gremlin.”

Click on Evelyn’s picture above to listen to the show!

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Let’s face it — life can look very different depending on the perspective from which you are viewing your world.  Perceptions shape our realities.  If we perceive and accept that something is truth, our body will go along with it.

Sometimes when you get pelted with hard times, get discouraged, or just feel a little down, it’s hard to pull yourself up from the negative feelings to a place where you start to feel a bit better about life in general again.  It can start to affect you in a negative way and the funk can last for a long time if you don’t stop it dead in its tracks right away.  It happens to all of us, so I wanted to share some strategies I have found useful to shake off the blues and hold my head up once again.  They’re easy to implement, and I really hope they can help brighten your day as much as they brighten mine!

1. Use “Wouldn’t it be nice if…” to start your sentences:

I absolutely love this practice.  Just throw a “Wouldn’t it be nice…” out there, and finish it with something that you’d love to see happen.  The reason why this works for me is because it gives me permission to dream and have fun.  It gives me permission to think about circumstances positively, and assume a positive mentality and spirit.  When I play this game, I return to a state of fun and joy, and this puts me back in alignment with who I really am at my core.  I feel better (and believe it or not, my “wouldn’t it be nice if…” thoughts do come true too!).

2. Play the “Gratitude Game:”

This game is really easy to play and can lift your spirits very quickly.  All it requires is a bit of attention to the present and your surroundings.  Just look around you and note all the things that are pleasing to you.  Say those comments to yourself.  You could say to yourself, “I really love the color of the paint on those walls,” or “I really enjoy the feeling of the warm air on my skin.”  You could say to yourself, “I just love when I get to let my daughter sit on my lap and laugh together,” or you could think, “It’s so wonderful to see the sun in the sky and all its beauty.”  It just takes awareness of the present, but it really gets you aligning with a positive mentality and it lifts you out of the doldrums in a matter of moments.  You can go on and on with this exercise for as long as you like.  You can even mix things up and find a partner to play this with, and exchange thoughts verbally with them.  Just have fun with it!

3. Make a “Wishing Box:”

Get yourself a box, and start throwing things in there.  No matter how crazy it may seem, just throw whatever you wish for in this box.  Maybe it’s a check for a lot of money; perhaps it’s a picture from a magazine of a car you’re dreaming of.  Maybe you can throw in there a list of things you want to accomplish within a certain amount of time.  There are no rules!  Just have fun with this one.  This exercise gets you to think creatively of what you want, but you are giving yourself permission to just think big and make grand wishes.  The reason this helps is because you have permission to lift your inhibitions or skepticism.  You don’t have to think to yourself, “This will never happen,” because you’re just wishing for anything and everything you could ever want.  You’re actually removing your subconscious resistance and moving beyond your self-imposed limitations on what’s possible.  When you move into a “fun” mode by making these wonderful wishes, you are eliminating negative feelings caused by your restrictive belief systems which are telling you “It’s just not possible.”  Give it a try, and you may be surprised at what happens to you!  Wishes do come true!

4. “Give it up:”

This is helpful when you feel overwhelmed or at a point where you just can’t seem to move past something with which you are stuck.  Maybe you have more on your plate than you’d like, or maybe you keep coming back to the same problem over and over again and you can’t move past it.  You can do this two ways: One, you can just make a mental list of the things you can’t or don’t want to deal with, and just “give it up” to the universe to take care of for you.  Act as if the universe is at your beck and call and you can just tell it what it needs to take care of for you.  Let it go.  The second way you can do this exercise is to take a sheet of paper and divide it into two by drawing a vertical line from top to bottom on the sheet.  Put on one side the things you are going to take care of, and then on the other side, place the items that you want the universe to do for you.  Put only on your side the things you know you can accomplish that day, and leave the rest to the universe.  I have found this to be helpful in just removing the pressure from me to get everything done.  I have found that not only do I get more done because I am focused, but I feel more positive about my productivity and, believe it or not, some of those things do get taken care of very quickly because the universe is helping me out.  You’ve got to experience it to believe it!

Try out these four easy exercises.  If you do try them out, or if you’ve already done some of these yourself, please let me know and let me know what happened to you, or what your thoughts are.  I’d love to hear from you!

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My daughters and I were watching an episode of “Goosebumps” on Netflix together, and the title of the episode was “Be Careful What you Wish For.”  The story was about a young girl who was continually teased by some of her classmates, and found herself in a position to make three wishes.  As you can imagine, no matter how well intentioned this young girl was when making her wishes to improve her life and eliminate her problems, she soon discovered that her careless wishing ended up causing her more problems than she had expected.

While this story was obviously based in fantasy, we constantly are making “wishes” on a daily basis, fully planted in a world of reality.  We never stop reaching for something that lies beyond our current state.  We may be wishing for better health, more prosperity and abundance, better friendships, less hardship, or better luck.

It’s not a bad thing to wish for something that we’d like.  There is no shame in asking for more money, more happiness, or better health.  Money is not evil, nor is being happy or healthy.  They are actually all representations of the flow of energy from one entity to another.  They represent the ever flowing current of abundance that the universe is just waiting to hand over to us.

You may be saying at this point, “Victor, I do wish for lots of things, but that’s not the problem.  The problem is that no matter how much I wish for something, it isn’t being granted.”

I hear you.  I’ve had my share of “wishes,” large and small, that went ungranted, much to my disappointment and frustration.  Because of this, I’d become disillusioned and doubtful.  I’d become discouraged and cynical.  “Why bother?” I’d ask.  I’d start to think things like, “It’s unrealistic and way too ambitious to ask for that,” or “These aren’t they types of things that I can just wish into my life,” and I’d just give up even wishing.  Have you found yourself there too?

Be careful what you wish for.  Okay, the poor grammar is getting under my skin now.  I know you’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition.  “Be careful for that which you wish.”  Is that better?  Nope.  Not really…

I’ll just stick to my original statement — “Be careful what you wish for.”

Just like the young lady in the story I watched with my girls, we may think we’re asking for something that will bring us better outcomes, but because we aren’t mindful of the way we are wishing for something, we end up frustrated or disillusioned because we’re not getting what we wanted.

There is no “bad” to go with the “good.”  There is simply “good,” and “resistance to good.”  There is polarity.  There is “something,” and then the “resistance to that something.”  When you make a wish, are you really desiring something, or are you just yearning for it, thus resisting the flow of that which you desire from coming to you?

Let me put it another way: If you are asking for more happiness in your life, are you really focusing on the happiness, or are you focusing on the fact that you are currently lacking in happiness?  If you are asking for more wealth in your life, are you really focusing on wealth, or are you focusing on the fact that you are currently lacking in wealth?

If you are focusing on feeling those good, warm feelings that come with happiness and wealth, and if you can maintain those warm, positive feelings that are focused entirely on how you’d feel if you were enjoying happiness and prosperity, you’ll place yourself right in line to allow the universe to bestow in its own way exactly what you’re looking for in due time.  However, if you are offering “resistance” to the “good” because you aren’t really thinking about what you want, but rather what or how you are lacking, you are placing yourself right in line for “more of the same.”  You’ll continue to experience what you don’t want, which is a perpetuation of what you are lacking.

What do you wish for?  How are you asking for it?  Be careful what you wish for and how you ask for it.  It can make all the difference in the world between staying right where you are and having your dreams come true!

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What makes a day an enjoyable day versus a not-so-enjoyable day?  It’s how you deal with what comes up throughout the day.  Simply put (and sometimes 0ver simplified), it’s your attitude that will define your day as wonderful or forgettable.

If you’re anything like me, above and beyond the simple “change your attitude” advice, I need some concrete recommendations, but not so many that it’s hard for me to remember them all, so that I can take some practical steps to ensure that I walk into a day setting it up to be as successful, wonderful, and peaceful as possible.

Without further adieu, here’s my simple four-step approach so you can create your own peaceful and happy day:

1. Let go of the “rights,” “wrongs,” and the other judgment talk.

We spend a lot of time trying to be “right.”  It’s a fruitless effort that just leads to debate and arguing.  Try to keep an open mind and be respectful of other people’s rights to have opinions that may differ from yours.  We all have preferences, just like we may prefer a certain color or flavor of ice cream.  Just because I like chocolate and you like vanilla, it doesn’t mean I’m right and you’re wrong.  By letting go of the need to be right, you will reduce the amount of frustration you endure.  Also, let go of the other judgment talk.  Let go of the “toos.”  We use an awful lot of “too” this and “too” that.  How much is “too” much and how much is “too” little?  How much is just right.  The truth is that the “toos” only exist in a judgmental mind.  Let go of the “toos” and you’ll find more peace.  One more recommendation: Stop using the word “should,” and replace it with “could.”  Instead of inserting your judgment on how to handle something, you soften it up by making a suggestion.  By letting go of the need to be right, eliminating the “toos,” and converting “shoulds” to “coulds,” you’ll find much more peace and less stress in your daily activities and conversations.  Trust me.

2. Give in to your feelings.

We spend so much time trying to keep our emotions out of our daily lives.   This is largely because we misunderstand what emotions really are.  Just because we use the word “feel” when we talk, it doesn’t mean we are talking about our emotions.  Many times we are diagnosing or judging.  If you say something like, “I feel you’re trying to take advantage of me,” we use the word “feel,” but as soon as we insert the “you’re” after it, we convert it from a statement about ourselves into a statement of judgment about someone else’s intents.  This no doubt will lead to defensiveness and frustration in the other person.  When you use the word “feel,” follow it with a real emotion.  You can say, “I feel sad,” or “I feel frustrated,” or “I feel overjoyed!”  According to the research of Dr. Antonio Damasio as described in his book Descarte’s Error, it has been determined that we are actually incapable of making decisions without emotions.  Emotions are important, and when we connect with our emotions, as well as the emotional state of others, we connect with others at the heart and establish a more loving and empathic level of communication, which greatly enhances our daily life.  Why wouldn’t it help?  Instead of creating feelings of defensiveness and anger in others, you will show them that you care and can connect with them at the heart.  That sounds much better to me!

3. Grab onto anything that you appreciate and “bank it.”

Dr. Rick Hanson speaks of this technique in his book Hardwiring Happiness.  When you experience something that leads to joy or happiness within you, even if it’s something relatively insignificant or routine, try to focus on that feeling for a good twenty seconds or more if you can.  Embrace it and enjoy it.  “Bank it.”  Save those feelings of joy in your memory banks.  Then, when you need it, you can always go back to that memory and those feelings and draw them out to bring happiness and joy to you no matter when you need it.  In this way, you’re not relying on external events and circumstances to bring you happiness and joy; you can find those right within yourself.  This allows you to bring joy and happiness to your life whenever you need or want it.

4. Focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t want.

One of my favorite games to play with my daughters is the “don’t” game.  If I want them to do something, I just tell them that I “don’t” want

them to do it.  When they aren’t getting ready in the morning and just kind of standing around and doing little of anything, I tell them, “I’m going to get myself dressed for work, and I don’t want you to get dressed before I finish.  Don’t get dressed.  Don’t do it.”  It doesn’t take long before they’re rushing to get their clothes changed before I do.  They do whatever it is that I “don’t” want them to do!  The truth is people listen right past the “don’ts,” and so does our subconscious mind.  It doesn’t hear the “don’ts.”  If we say that we “don’t” want something to happen, chances are greater than it will.  Energy is mass, essentially, according to Einstein.  Whatever thoughts we generate increases the amount of energy given to that thought.  When that thought grows in energy, it grows in mass.  So, if you’re spending your time thinking about the horrible things that might happen, you’re giving that energy and allowing it to grow in mass, making it more likely that it will manifest itself.  Not only that, but according to Bruce Lipton in his book The Biology of Belief,whatever thoughts you generate shape your perception, and that will shape the “environment,” this affecting your body at the cellular level.  Your body will have a physiological response to the thoughts you generate.  Your thoughts can affect your overall health and wellbeing.

By simply applying these four simple steps every day, you’ll find that you will enjoy a more wonderful day more often than not, and you will certainly bring more peace, love, and happiness to your day.

Let me know if you try these, and let me know your thoughts and how well they worked for you!

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My radio show broadcast on Monday was my first of the year. I wanted something and someone who would start off the new year with a lot of energy and enthusiasm, so I invited none other than “the World’s #1 RADICAL True Self Facilitator” and author of one of my favorite books, The RADICAL Self Expert, Tiphanie Jamison Van Der Lugt, to join me for the show.

What totally caught me off guard was the suggestion of a topic to discuss, but I absolutely loved it, because I was so intrigued by it:

“Does fear really exist?”

As far as I was concerned, I just operated from a position of assuming that fear exists. After all, it is the emotion of fear that allows us to be in a position to protect ourselves, either by running away from or fight against the threat that caused the fear emotion.

However, Tiphanie contended that fear really doesn’t exist. What she believes is that fear is non-existent. Her theory is that instead of fear, there is either excitement or greater awareness.

Tiphanie said that we learn early on what fear is. For example, if a child is getting ready to do something and they start to experience emotions of excitement or butterflies in their stomach, the parent, trying to help the child cope with their feelings, may say something like, “Don’t be afraid.” However, when the parent says this to the child, as good as their intentions may be, the parent is now defining what was previously undefinable to the child. Before the word “afraid” entered the conversation, the child didn’t really have a word to describe that feeling of excitement that they are feeling.

“Fear and excitement are the same energy,” Tiphanie added. She introduced me to the quote from Fritz Pearls:

“Fear is excitement without the breath.” So true.

But, she didn’t stop there. She asked a great question: “Does fear really keep us from doing things?” She then gave the example of how it’s not really fear, but greater awareness that helps a mother lift a car off of her child or allows an eight-year-old child to deliver a baby. It’s not fear, rather it’s greater awareness. Tiphanie added, “We pull from our higher self and do tremendous things…We are stepping into the fullness of our greater being.”

I just love that!

So, thinking about practical application for myself, especially since I have young children, I thought of an instance where I actually applied this concept without even thinking. I recalled how when we were on a recent vacation my older daughter wanted to go on a roller coaster. I never mentioned “fear,” “scary,” or “afraid.” Rather, I kept telling her how much fun it was going to be. I told her the coaster would be fast, but I would be right there with her and it would be a lot of fun. It was!

My younger daughter is turning five in about a month, and she knows that she’s getting some shots during her doctor’s visit around her birthday. Applying this concept, whenever we discuss it, I’ll continue to reinforce to her how she will do just fine and that she has experienced worse. I can safely say this since she just got her ears pierced the other week and was in a bit of pain. Having gotten my ears pierced and sitting through an injection, I can safely say that piercing your ears is more painful. I’ll continue to remind her that she’s already been through a more painful process, so she should pull through the shots just fine.

What are your thoughts? Does fear really exist?

Can you think of a time in the past where “excitement” was defined for you as “fear?” Can you think of opportunities where you can instill excitement or confidence in someone instead of defining their feelings as “fear?”

Let me know your thoughts. I’d love to hear them.

If you’d like to hear my interview with Tiphanie, click here.

A couple of years ago there was major road construction taking place in the city in which I live.  They were completely re-doing some of the intersections and putting in roundabouts to improve the flow of traffic through the major traffic areas in town.  Because of the construction being done, there were some major detours and it caused a lot of extra time and inconvenience to make what were previously simple trips throughout the neighborhood.

I remember traveling past one of the “road closed” signs with my wife when we saw a car that had ignored the signs and tried to navigate through the construction.  Apparently they didn’t notice that a major section had been cut out of the concrete before driving their front tires into the hole which was several feet deep.  The car was upended, its back end up in the air, and going nowhere fast.

Sometimes, when we ignore the signs that are intended to prevent us from inconvenience, damage, or danger, we can end up just like that car, upended and going nowhere fast.

I’ve been around people, and maybe you’ve been too, who experience what seems like nothing but hard times.  It seems like they constantly battle negativity, face adversity, fall upon hard times, have bad luck, and can’t seem to have anything positive happen without something negative following close behind.

I’m no exception.  I’ve struggled through my own hard times, and I know you have too.  It took me much longer than I care to admit to realize that the reason why I faced so many hard times and struggles was because I ignored the warning signs.  I drove right past the “no not enter” signs of life.  I disregarded the “road closed” warnings.  I neglected to acknowledge the “detours” that were placed before me.  I paid the price.

If we choose to ignore the traffic signs when we are traveling in our vehicles, the journey we experience will be a direct reflection of our choices.  We should expect potential damage to our vehicles, delayed transit time, possible vehicle breakdowns, and rough terrain.  The journey will likely be unpleasant.

However, if we heed the warning signs and take the detours, unpleasant and inconvenient as they may be, we will experience a much safer, happier, and more successful journey in the end.  The degree to which the trip will be pleasant is in direct correlation with the choices we make along the way.

Similarly, the life journey that we experience day to day, week to week, and month to month, is in direct correlation with the choices we make along the way.  Our life experiences are a reflection of what is going on within us.  If we ignore the nudges from our heart and if we don’t follow our intuitive senses, we can end up making decisions that will lead us straight into some form of suffering and displeasure.

The great news is that we do have the ability each and every day to turn things around.  Just because we find ourselves on a rough and difficult journey because of our previous choices, it doesn’t mean that we are stuck on that same road forever.  We can always change the journey by changing our choices and by starting to look for the warning signs.  We always have the ability to quiet ourselves and listen to the internal “nudges” coming from our souls.

Take time to ask yourself how you feel about a certain situation.  Feel within your heart whether you get a “yes” or a “no.”  If you experience any discomfort or uncertainty, maybe that’s a “no” from within.  Sure, sometimes when we try something new or are considering making a change there is some resistance to change which causes anxiety.  I’m not talking about that type of feeling.  I’m talking about that “gut” feeling that something just isn’t right about a situation.

For example, I was considering working with a potential coaching client.  Every interaction I had with that person, whether it was through email or over the phone, left me feeling uneasy and just “not right.”  Eventually, I listened to my heart and felt the “nudge” to say “no” to this client, and the relationship ended right there.  If I were to have ignored the “nudge” and continued with this person, perhaps it would have led to suffering and less than wonderful experiences.

After you get the “yes” or “no” from your heart, then ask one simple question: “What do I want?”  After you determine what it is you want, then go for that.  Yes, it can be that easy!

For example, let’s say you are struggling in your relationship with your spouse.  You are having difficulty communicating with them.  Take time to ask yourself how you feel about the situation.  You may ask yourself, “Do I want to continue this marriage?”

Perhaps you’ll get a “yes” from your heart.  You know you want to be with them, despite your struggles.  You feel that there is a chance you can work through these difficulties.

Then, you can ask yourself, “What do I want?”  Perhaps you’ll come to the conclusion that you want better communication with your spouse, and then you can start to investigate what it is that you can do to improve the communication between you two, such as looking to hire a communication coach or see a relationship expert or marriage counselor or another similar professional.

If this process seems fairly intuitive, to the point where you find yourself saying that it’s common sense, you’re right!  This is an intuitive process, because you’re using your intuitive gifts to help you navigate through your life choices.  Sometimes, however, the choices are more difficult, such as when you find yourself working a job you don’t enjoy, but you still need the financial benefits of staying in that job.  The “yes” or “no” from within may be a bit harder to hear.  However, if you find that this job brings little more than stress, suffering, hard times, bad luck, and negativity, perhaps those are those “warning signs” that are trying to tell you that maybe the path you’re on is not the path for you.

This simple two step process of asking your soul “yes” or “no,” and then asking what it is that you do want can help you navigate through those tough decisions in life.  It can also help you get to the bottom of any current situation that is causing your life to be less than wonderful.

It’s never too late to read the “warning signs” of life and make different choices and smooth out life’s journey.  Sometimes all you need is to plug into that “internal GPS” found deep within you to help you navigate through the difficult aspects of the journey.  The tools are within you to turn any unpleasant aspect of your trip into a more pleasant one.  Just take the time to use introspection and ask the simple questions.  Then, all you need to do is listen!  A wonderful journey awaits!

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/valike

“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.”  ~Aristotle

Happiness is so important in maintaining a feeling of well being, but as important as it is for our positive self-esteem and health, it seems ever so elusive.  It’s almost as if the moment we find happiness there is something looming in the future, poised and ready to knock us out of our happy state.  Maybe it’s an unfortunate turn of events, or maybe it’s a feeling you get of not being accepted or good enough, or even a feeling of being excluded and alone.

Yet, there are some people who seem to be happy most of the time, no matter what happens to them.  What is it about them that allows them to be happy so often, while it seems to be a continual struggle for others?  What is going on within them that isn’t going on within those who struggle to find happiness?

In his book, The Emotional Life of Your Brain, Dr. Richard Davidson discusses “the vast diversity of ways to be human: emotional states, emotional traits, personality, and temperament.”

Happiness is categorized by Davidson as an “emotional state.” An emotional state is “The smallest, most fleeting unit of emotion…Typically lasting only a few seconds, it tends to be triggered by an experience.”

So perhaps the unrealized flaw in trying to secure happiness is that we are caught up in the pursuit of something that is fleeting and transient in nature.  Maybe this is why we grow so frustrated when we want happiness so badly, but it seems like as soon as something comes up, our happiness disappears.  Perhaps pursuing happiness is like trying to catch a butterfly with your hands.  As soon as you think you’ll capture it, it slips away at the last second.

Davidson goes on to say that a feeling that persists for a few hours to days is categorized as a “mood, of the ‘he’s in a bad mood’ variety.”  A feeling that extends beyond days into years can be described as an “emotional trait.”  This would describe people who seem to always be happy and pleasant.  This is because, as Davidson describes it, “An emotional trait increases the likelihood that you will experience a particular emotional state because it lowers the threshold to feel such an emotional state.”

The “deepest” level of feeling is categorized as an “emotional style.”  This is described as “…a consistent way of responding to the experiences in our lives.”  Davidson says, “Emotional style influences the likelihood of feeling particular emotional states, traits, and moods.”

In other words, in order for us to experience “happiness,” we really need to address the way we choose to respond to the experiences of life.  If we can alter the way we respond to life experiences, we’ll make changes to our emotional traits.  In turn, when we modify our emotional traits it will affect our emotional state.”

So this is fine and well, except for the fact that you may be wondering just how we can go about changing the way we respond to life experiences.  I think the first step in doing this is in the book Global Healing: Thinking Outside the Box, written by one of my favorite guests on my radio show, Vipin Mehta.

Vipin writes, “The majority of human beings live their lives according to the life script written by others.  However, a small percentage of humanity rewrites their life script by creating new choices and decisions based on what they want to become.  By rewriting their life script, they change their beliefs and attitudes of the subconscious mind.”

I agree with him.  How many times do we define whether we are “happy” or “not happy” based on what happens “to” us?  I believe we do it very often.  Actually, Davidson said as much when he said that an emotional state “tends to be triggered by an experience.”  This usually is an “external” experience.

Therefore, the shift needs to be made from choosing to allow the “outside” experiences to trigger an emotional state of happiness toward allowing “internal” experiences to trigger an emotional state.  Insight on how we can do this also comes from Vipin’s book.

Vipin describes “three major compelling, propelling, and driving forces in life.”  These are “human needs, human desires, and the human drive to know the mysteries of Life.”  When it comes to human needs, where are we looking for satisfaction of these needs?  Are we looking for “external” or “internal” fulfillment?  Is our happiness contingent upon outside forces?

Vipin describes two types of esteem: one is “false” esteem and the other is “true.”  The “dividing point” between the two, or the vehicle to get from “false” to “true” esteem is “self-esteem.”  However, in order to get to “self-esteem,” we need to address and meet three other needs first.  Those needs are “survival, security, and belonging.”

When you think of your need for security, can you think of someone who, when you think of them, provides you with feelings of safety, trust, stability, and security?  Picture that person in your mind right now.  Take a moment to feel within you how you feel when you’re with them.  Feel that warmth in your heart.  Capture that feeling.  Try to re-create that feeling at will.

When you think of your need for belonging, can you think of one or more people who, when you think of them, provide you with feelings of unconditional love, respect, trust, and acceptance?  Imagine that you are with that person right now.  Take a moment to feel within you how you feel inside when you’re with them.  Feel that warmth in your heart.  Capture that feeling.  Try to re-create that feeling at will.

You’ll find that when you can create these feelings within you, you are meeting your needs for security and belonging.  You’ll also realize that you are meeting those needs based on your own feelings, and not the feelings of someone else.  You’ll find that your sense of value and worth and belonging does not originate from outside factors.  You’ll see that your own feelings, created within you, are establishing your sense of belonging and security.

Once you can make the transition of “triggering” your emotions from an internal event, rather than outside, you can move from “false” esteem to “true” esteem.  When you can go within to create the emotional conditions you desire at will, you will make a fundamental shift in your self-esteem.  You’ll find that you are not dependent on the approval of others or at the mercy of unexpected events to define your emotions.

The power to be happy is within you.  It is in your ability to create, at will, those warm feelings of love, security, safety, acceptance, and trust within you.  When you can create those feelings internally, you will create an internal environment that will change your perceptions of the events that are happening around you.  Your emotional style will be reflected in your emotional traits, and your emotional traits will give way to the positive emotional state of happiness which you desire.

Photo source: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/winjohn

“There’s no right or wrong when one chooses to be happy. It’s just a battle between one’s own happiness and the judgment of others.” ~Nishan Panwar

Have you ever been “should” on, or have you ever “should” on someone else?

It happened to my older daughter the other week, so it’s the most fresh example in my mind.  She came home from school and told me that some of her classmates were trying to convince her that she was “too small” for a second grader.

I told her that it simply was not true.  I asked her to query these classmates as to how tall a second grader “should” be.  I think the way I put it was, “Ask them to show you in a book how tall a second grader is supposed to be.”

Okay, it’s probably not the best approach, but hey, all you parents out there know you do the best you can with what you’ve got.  The bottom line is that I made my point to Brianna, and she got it.  We are surrounded by interpretations, assumptions, judgments, and diagnoses.  All are opinions, and none are facts.

If I listen to sports radio, which I love to do because I love my Green Bay Packers football, I endure shows with radio show personalities who offer up their judgments liberally.  I get it — it’s what gets good ratings and it’s what gets people to call in.  That doesn’t mean I have to like it.  I don’t watch much television, but I know judgments flow abound there too.

I can’t help but think the amount of energy a person consumes because they are formulating judgments and opinions about something.  Whenever we judge something or someone we have to come up with our own personal definition of “right” and “wrong,” and “good” and “bad,” and “proper” and “improper.”  After we formulate our definitions, we then have to spend a lot of time and effort in the act of communicating to others just how “wrong,” “bad,” and “improper” something is.  For what purpose?

It’s hard to “catch” ourselves being judgmental, because we’re surrounded by it.  From little on, we have been exposed to other people’s judgments of what is “right” and what is “good.”  Well-intentioned people try to offer up advice to others by saying things like, “Well, you should have done this…”

When we have been ridiculed and punished and shamed and teased because who we are or what we do is defined as “bad” or “wrong” or “weird,” it’s no wonder we start to accept the opinions of others as true.  It’s no wonder we start to develop feelings of shame and guilt when we don’t “fit” into the “normal” category.  It’s no wonder we ask what’s “wrong” with us.  It’s no wonder we vehemently defend our own judgments and opinions.

Being a judge has a price.  It costs energy.  It adds stress to our lives and the lives of others.  It leads to attachment.  It leads to resistance.  And, for what?  To point out to others that we are “right” and they are “wrong?”  According to whom?

I can’t say that I am perfect myself.  I struggle with this every day.  I struggle to keep from “piling on” when others offer their judgments.  I struggle to stay calm and just remind myself that people have opinions and that they are entitled to them.  I work hard to let go of my attachment to my own ideas of what is “good” and “right” for me.  It’s hard to do.

In case you are struggling with this yourself, I’ll share a list of things that I have done (and still work on) that have helped me really diminish the “judge” within myself:

• Stop “should”ing on other people.  Consider offering suggestions, and not a judgment.  Instead, replace the “should” with “could.”  I have found this to be huge in turning things around for me.
• Eliminate phrases that start with the word “too.”  When we say something is “too this,” or “too that,” we are saying that there is a “just right” amount of something.  This is simply not true.  This is another way of saying something is “wrong.”
• Let go of what is “right” and “wrong.” It’s just an interpretation and opinion.  I try to think of things as “preferences.”  If I were to ask you what your favorite color is, and you said, “red,” is red a “wrong” choice simply because I like blue?  Most people would think that’s absurd.  However, how often do we observe others’ preferences as “wrong” simply because we prefer something else?  We do it more often than we realize.
• Let go of the need to be “right.”  This one is very hard for me, and I confess it’s the toughest obstacle I face in my quest to diminish my internal judge.  It feels good to be “right.”  We want to be recognized as being “right.”  The problem is that my “right” may be someone else’s “wrong.”  If I don’t prefer to be told my “right” is someone’s “wrong,” then I probably need to be more mindful of instances where I am trying to convince someone else that I am “right.”
• Stick to the facts.  Only speak about observable behaviors.  If someone turns away from you, then say they turned away from you.  Don’t jump to conclusions and interpret the action, such as saying, “You were giving me the cold shoulder,” or, “You were ignoring me.”  The simple act of interpreting the action quantifies it as “wrong” in your eyes (otherwise, why would it be a problem for you?).

I’d like to hear your thoughts about this topic.  Can you think of ways to diminish judgmentalism?  Can you think of great examples of where they show up in our society and culture?  Do you have any stories of how you were impacted by the judgments of others?  Please share!