“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.”  ~Aristotle

Happiness is so important in maintaining a feeling of well being, but as important as it is for our positive self-esteem and health, it seems ever so elusive.  It’s almost as if the moment we find happiness there is something looming in the future, poised and ready to knock us out of our happy state.  Maybe it’s an unfortunate turn of events, or maybe it’s a feeling you get of not being accepted or good enough, or even a feeling of being excluded and alone.

Yet, there are some people who seem to be happy most of the time, no matter what happens to them.  What is it about them that allows them to be happy so often, while it seems to be a continual struggle for others?  What is going on within them that isn’t going on within those who struggle to find happiness?

In his book, The Emotional Life of Your Brain, Dr. Richard Davidson discusses “the vast diversity of ways to be human: emotional states, emotional traits, personality, and temperament.”

Happiness is categorized by Davidson as an “emotional state.” An emotional state is “The smallest, most fleeting unit of emotion…Typically lasting only a few seconds, it tends to be triggered by an experience.”

So perhaps the unrealized flaw in trying to secure happiness is that we are caught up in the pursuit of something that is fleeting and transient in nature.  Maybe this is why we grow so frustrated when we want happiness so badly, but it seems like as soon as something comes up, our happiness disappears.  Perhaps pursuing happiness is like trying to catch a butterfly with your hands.  As soon as you think you’ll capture it, it slips away at the last second.

Davidson goes on to say that a feeling that persists for a few hours to days is categorized as a “mood, of the ‘he’s in a bad mood’ variety.”  A feeling that extends beyond days into years can be described as an “emotional trait.”  This would describe people who seem to always be happy and pleasant.  This is because, as Davidson describes it, “An emotional trait increases the likelihood that you will experience a particular emotional state because it lowers the threshold to feel such an emotional state.”

The “deepest” level of feeling is categorized as an “emotional style.”  This is described as “…a consistent way of responding to the experiences in our lives.”  Davidson says, “Emotional style influences the likelihood of feeling particular emotional states, traits, and moods.”

In other words, in order for us to experience “happiness,” we really need to address the way we choose to respond to the experiences of life.  If we can alter the way we respond to life experiences, we’ll make changes to our emotional traits.  In turn, when we modify our emotional traits it will affect our emotional state.”

So this is fine and well, except for the fact that you may be wondering just how we can go about changing the way we respond to life experiences.  I think the first step in doing this is in the book Global Healing: Thinking Outside the Box, written by one of my favorite guests on my radio show, Vipin Mehta.

Vipin writes, “The majority of human beings live their lives according to the life script written by others.  However, a small percentage of humanity rewrites their life script by creating new choices and decisions based on what they want to become.  By rewriting their life script, they change their beliefs and attitudes of the subconscious mind.”

I agree with him.  How many times do we define whether we are “happy” or “not happy” based on what happens “to” us?  I believe we do it very often.  Actually, Davidson said as much when he said that an emotional state “tends to be triggered by an experience.”  This usually is an “external” experience.

Therefore, the shift needs to be made from choosing to allow the “outside” experiences to trigger an emotional state of happiness toward allowing “internal” experiences to trigger an emotional state.  Insight on how we can do this also comes from Vipin’s book.

Vipin describes “three major compelling, propelling, and driving forces in life.”  These are “human needs, human desires, and the human drive to know the mysteries of Life.”  When it comes to human needs, where are we looking for satisfaction of these needs?  Are we looking for “external” or “internal” fulfillment?  Is our happiness contingent upon outside forces?

Vipin describes two types of esteem: one is “false” esteem and the other is “true.”  The “dividing point” between the two, or the vehicle to get from “false” to “true” esteem is “self-esteem.”  However, in order to get to “self-esteem,” we need to address and meet three other needs first.  Those needs are “survival, security, and belonging.”

When you think of your need for security, can you think of someone who, when you think of them, provides you with feelings of safety, trust, stability, and security?  Picture that person in your mind right now.  Take a moment to feel within you how you feel when you’re with them.  Feel that warmth in your heart.  Capture that feeling.  Try to re-create that feeling at will.

When you think of your need for belonging, can you think of one or more people who, when you think of them, provide you with feelings of unconditional love, respect, trust, and acceptance?  Imagine that you are with that person right now.  Take a moment to feel within you how you feel inside when you’re with them.  Feel that warmth in your heart.  Capture that feeling.  Try to re-create that feeling at will.

You’ll find that when you can create these feelings within you, you are meeting your needs for security and belonging.  You’ll also realize that you are meeting those needs based on your own feelings, and not the feelings of someone else.  You’ll find that your sense of value and worth and belonging does not originate from outside factors.  You’ll see that your own feelings, created within you, are establishing your sense of belonging and security.

Once you can make the transition of “triggering” your emotions from an internal event, rather than outside, you can move from “false” esteem to “true” esteem.  When you can go within to create the emotional conditions you desire at will, you will make a fundamental shift in your self-esteem.  You’ll find that you are not dependent on the approval of others or at the mercy of unexpected events to define your emotions.

The power to be happy is within you.  It is in your ability to create, at will, those warm feelings of love, security, safety, acceptance, and trust within you.  When you can create those feelings internally, you will create an internal environment that will change your perceptions of the events that are happening around you.  Your emotional style will be reflected in your emotional traits, and your emotional traits will give way to the positive emotional state of happiness which you desire.

Photo source: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/winjohn