What happens when you want something to work so badly that you’ll try almost anything to make it happen?

What happens if you fail?  Do you keep persisting, or do you throw in the towel and give up?

That’s a tough question, because there’s the mindset and philosophy that you won’t get anywhere without hard work, but at the same time, there’s also a philosophy that things “happen for a reason.”

So, when things don’t work out, is it because we just haven’t come upon the solution that works, like Thomas Edison, who endured thousands of failures, but persisted through them until he created working inventions?  Or, is it because it’s the “universe” telling us that the reason it’s not working is because it’s just not meant to be, and to push through that would just mean more pain, suffering, and failure?

Let’s say you work with someone, and you just don’t seem to hit it off.  As much as you try to make that working relationship work, you can work together, but it’s never a close working relationship.  No matter what you try, and no matter what things you try, it’s a struggle and nothing improves the relationship.

Are you going to keep persisting, because you simply haven’t come up with the solution that works, or are you going to chalk it up to “fate” and throw in the towel on the hopes for anything more than a functional working relationship?

Functional versus personal

Here’s my thought on the matter: When it comes to you working on something that is more of a functional process — something that doesn’t require the cooperative efforts of another being, such as another person, the old “try and keep trying” adage may serve you well.  If it’s about you being the sole individual involved in a process, like trying to get something to be functional, trying to invent something, or trying to create something, this naturally is going to lend itself to failures and revisions along the way.

However, when the dynamics of another being are involved, this is where it gets a little tougher to know how to proceed.  People are electromagnetic emitters and receivers.  They send out and receive waves of energy.  Even if you’re dealing with someone who isn’t aware of this or in tune with the energy exchanged between two people, they still are affected by it and still emit that energy.

Here’s the thing — the energy they are putting “out there” is a result of their own body’s physiological processes.  This means that if a person is happy, they’ll be emitting a certain type of energy signal, and if they are not happy, they’ll emit another.

Simply put, if someone is just not “into you,” their energy is going to be a reflection of that, and it will not be in sync with yours if you are more “into” a working relationship with them.

When you have two frequencies that are not in congruence with each other there is dissonance and interference.  There will not be harmony of the frequencies.  So, you can try and try again, but if every time they’re just not “into it” as much as you are, things won’t amount to much more than polite and professional interactions.  And, that’s not such a bad thing.  It is much better than impolite and unprofessional interactions!

In this case, chalk it up to a big “universal” message which is saying to you it just “isn’t meant to be.”

Just walk away

That’s right.  Just walk away.  Likes attract likes, and you’re just not “like” that other person.  No hard feelings.  It may be a blessing in disguise.  There may be a very good reason why you don’t match up with them.

When it comes to dealing with other people, in my humble opinion, when it’s just not working, don’t sweat it, and don’t try to push through it, hoping that some miracle will occur and things will magically work out.  That is, however, unless the other person is equally aware of the energy dynamic, and is sensitive to it and also wants to make it work out.  When two people cooperatively are aware and willing to work on the relationship because they identify the importance of a coherent working relationship, you really can both work at it over and over to get things to work.  And, chances are, if you’re both coming from that place, things will work out in the end in your favor.

However, if the other person is not aware and not participating in making that relationship work, and things aren’t lining up for you, in my opinion it just isn’t meant to be and it’s better for you to pursue meaningful working relationships with other people who are more like you and interested in a coherent working relationship and all it has to offer.  There’s often a reason why some relationships work and others don’t, and often the reason lies in the invisible factors we cannot see nor appreciate much of the time.  But, these factors are very real.

Relationships take work, yes, but usually the work comes after you both have determined the relationship is worth something.  If you’re working hard on the front end just trying to make it worth something, you’re probably spending more time and effort than it’s worth, and it’s time to walk away.

Did you find this article helpful?  Please let me know what you thought in the comments below!

Photo: http://www.freeimages.com/gallery/ambrozjo

Have you ever had someone who was agreeable to something you said, but at the same time you believed that they were not totally agreeable?

Check out this video which gives you some recommendations on how to handle this situation, either if you find someone to be “falsely” agreeable, or if you’re asked to do something that you’re not really agreeable to doing.

If you liked this video, and you’d like more, make sure you click here to SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube Channel!  I do a new video about once a week.

 

 

About five years ago I was in the middle of a remodeling project where we were finishing off our basement.  One of the things that I really wanted to have was a great entertainment system, complete with the big-screen television, home theater system, and the whole nine yards.

I remember running wires all over the place from one room to the next, running cables where I thought I may need a connection somewhere down the line, through the walls and above the ceiling tiles and to and from the amplifier.  It was a quite complicated setup, and to keep it all straight I had my best friend to help me out: my label maker.

I used that label maker to tag every single cable and cord and wire that I ran to and from the entertainment system.  I had so many cords that were identical, and the only way that I could ever hope to tell them apart, especially after the drywall was hung and the ceiling was in place, was through the use of labels.

When labels are not such a good idea…

While the use of a labels was vital to the success of the remodeling project and wiring process, the use of labels can be extremely counterproductive in our social interactions with other people.  Labels are used to discriminate or distinguish otherwise identical components from each other.  In my opinion, this is why the use of labels is more harmful than helpful to us in building meaningful and peaceful connections with other people.

We all are human.  We all have the capacity to love and not to love.  We all have the capacity to feel emotions, and we all have the ability to choose how to respond to the emotions that we are experience and that change many times throughout the day.

What makes you different from me is only what we choose to recognize as distinctions or differences.  Socially we have been conditioned throughout our lives to distinguish and differentiate.  Tragically, in my opinion, we have been conditioned to view different as non-desirable.  We then attach “labels” to those distinctions, calling other people, “stupid,” “weird,” “crazy,” and other things.

We look at the religions of other people, and automatically make assumptions.  We determine someone’s political stance and judge them.  We look at someone who is attracted to another of the same gender and think it’s “wrong.”

Labels distinguish, differentiate, and discriminate.

They divide us based on differences, rather than uniting us based on similarities.  Labels create an uneven playing field in our minds.  We look at others as “less than” or “not good” simply because they fall into a nicely-created category that we’ve created for everyone just like them.

The further we divide ourselves from others, the further from peace and closer to violence we find ourselves.  They key to peace, harmony, happiness, and joy is seeking and finding similarities with other people.  It’s about bringing ourselves closer to others in commonality while celebrating what makes us unique.

Put down the label maker.  There’s no real need for us to distinguish or discriminate.  This whole planet full of people will be so much better off when we can start loving each other for who we are, without our pre-conceived (and often inaccurate) notions of who and what other people are based on a category in which we’ve placed them.  Seek to find commonalities, and celebrate uniqueness.

Consequently, over the years, as I’ve revisited the wiring in my home entertainment system, I’ve found that the labels have faded, making it difficult if not impossible to determine which wire is which anymore.  To me, it’s a symbolic reminder that labels can be temporary and can fade over time if we don’t maintain or nurture them.

Don’t you think it’s time for a change?  Don’t you think it’s time to move beyond labels and categories?  I’d love to hear your thoughts!  Please leave a comment below and I’ll promise to respond.

 

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On my radio show this week:

 

This week I am happy to welcome back to my show Dani DiPirro of Positively Present.  During our talk, we’ll discuss her upcoming book, as well as some easy ways to stay in the moment.  She’s always a great interview, because she shares such valuable advice. If you haven’t heard her yet, or if your aren’t a follower of her website, I encourage you to take a listen.

Click on Dani’s picture to listen to the show!

 

 

 

Have you ever been asked to serve on a committee in some capacity or fill a vacated position?  Have you ever felt “obligated” to participate because it seems nobody else is stepping up?

I know I have been asked on several occasions to fill a position on a voluntary level, and I’ve said “yes” to some and “no” to others.  One that stands out in particular is when I was asked to serve as the president of a local business networking group about ten years ago.  Honestly, I think they were asking me because my attendance was starting to wane, and they were looking for a way to get me to attend more regularly.  Nevertheless, the intrigue of being asked to serve in that capacity compelled me to give it some thought.

In the end, however, I responded with a firm “no,” as I knew that my involvement with the group was nearing its end.

Maybe you’ve been asked to commit to something, and as intriguing as it sounded to fill that position, you agreed.  Hopefully it was a great decision, and you loved every minute of every moment you spent in that capacity.

However, there are some times when we commit to something, only to be regretting the decision, and hating every single moment with feelings of resentment or anger.

I hope that I can catch you with this article before you commit to something you’re going to end up regretting, because the last thing you want to do is be caught up in something that you either “stick out” until the end in misery or find yourself prematurely withdrawing from that position.  I don’t know anyone who likes to pull out of something, so my hope is that after reading this you’ll know how to determine whether or not you should participate when asked.

In my opinion, one word says it all: honesty.

It’s all about honesty.  And, I don’t mean the kind of honesty that is about telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  I’m talking about an honest dialogue with yourself and with others.  When you can be honest with yourself, you can confidently agree or not agree to participate or engage in something without the residual negative feelings that come along with it.

It’s about “self honesty.”  Ask yourself, “If I do this, would it bring me joy?  Would it be like ‘play?'”

If the answer is a strong “yes,” then chances are if you agree to participate or serve, you’ll find that you’ll generally enjoy it.

If you ask yourself that question, and you sense some hesitation, and then you start thinking thoughts like, “People will look up to me if I do this,” or “I don’t want to let others down,” or “They’re really in a pinch,” or something similar, you may want to politely decline.  The reason I recommend you say “no” in these situations is very simple: all of the above statements or thoughts are all about other people, and not you!

If you serve for the sake of other people above the sake of yourself, or if you are only serving for the sake of others, chances are you’ll end up unhappy.

 

Here are my big six reasons why it’s so important to be honest with yourself:

1. When you’re honest with yourself, you’re dialing into what creates feelings of joy within you.

You need to have that dialogue with yourself and determine what will bring joy to your life.  The line I always repeat to myself is “Don’t do it if it isn’t play.”  If the thought of doing something doesn’t bring absolute joy to your heart, walk away.

2. When you’re honest with yourself, you’re only doing what you want to do.

So you may be thinking this is a very selfish statement.  But, how valuable is your time?  I don’t know about you, but I have a hard enough time fitting in the things I actually “want” to do in a day.  Why in heaven’s name would I want to cram something that I “don’t” want to do into an already-stuffed schedule?  If you don’t look out for yourself, who will?  Do only what you want to do.

3. When you’re honest with yourself, you’re serving yourself first.

This is very similar to number two.  Serve yourself first.  It’s not a selfish act.  It’s an act of self love.  Repeat that to yourself: It’s an act of self love!

Do you know what leads to lots of anger and resentment?  Doing things for other people that we don’t really want to do, that’s what.  That’s because we’re waiting for that “thank you” that never comes!  Then, we get resentful because we are “sacrificing” ourselves for others, and they’re not even grateful!  You brought it on to yourself.

Serve yourself first.  Bring yourself joy first.  Then, when you’re in your own joy, seek to deliver joy to others.  In that order only, please. 🙂

4. When you’re honest with yourself, you’re avoiding regret, resentment, and frustration.

See number three above.  In a nutshell, if you’re experiencing negative emotions, it usually means that you’re valuing others more than you value your own self.

5. When you’re honest with yourself, you’re freeing up your time.

See number two above.  Who wants their schedule filled with commitments that only benefit others?  Why would you agree to carve out more time from your already-busy schedule serving others when you’re not spending time doing what you want to do with whom you want to?  When you are honest with yourself, you will give yourself time doing what you love with whom you love.

6. When you’re honest with yourself, you’re establishing boundaries.

Have you ever signed on to something, only to be asked to serve more and more?

When you are honest with yourself, you are clearly establishing to yourself and others what you want to do and what you don’t like to do.  If you say “no” to something, chances are you won’t be asked again (and that’s okay!).  And, you likely won’t be asked to do similar things either.

Respect yourself.  Tell others how much you respect yourself.  Establish those boundaries of what you’re willing and not willing to do.  It will help you down the road.

And, as far as saying “no” is concerned, here’s all you need to say:

“No, but thank you for the offer.  I don’t prefer to be involved.”

And then shut your mouth.  Don’t say anything else.  You don’t need to explain in detail exactly why you don’t want to be involved, divulging your innermost thoughts and conflicts and wishes.  They don’t need to know that.  All they need to know is that the position is not for you, and you’re not interested.

When you can be honest with yourself, you’re honest with others.  In the end, you’ll experience joy and satisfaction and contentment knowing that you made the decision that works best for you.  You’ll know you thought of yourself first and brought yourself joy first.

What did you think of this article?  Did it resonate with you?  Let me know!  I’d love to hear about your thoughts in the comments below.  I promise to respond.

 

It’s not very often that you meet someone the first time and experience an immediate “Wow!” moment, where you’re just blown away.  Well, I had one of those moments when I interviewed Vironika Tugaleva on my radio show earlier this year, to talk about her awesome book, The Love Mindset: An Unconventional Guide to Healing and Happiness.

As I had said at the time, I was left scrambling to listen to the replay of our conversation to gobble up all the great information, examples, insights, and profound thoughts that she had to offer!

That’s why I was so thrilled to hear that she has figured out a way to share her insight, wisdom, and support with so many people, at one time, through an exciting program that she has just unveiled!  I asked Vironika if I could ask her some questions about her program, so that I could let everyone know about it (and to re-introduce you to her if you don’t already know her), and I was so honored that she took some of her valuable time to spend with me.

I have no doubt that you’ll be as impressed and captivated with her as I was that first time I met her, and I have no doubt that if you’re hurting, or looking for someone who can help you in a way that nobody else can, Vironika is totally worth listening to.

I’m delighted to share my interview with Vironika with you!  Enjoy!

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Vironika, it’s delightful to be with  you here.  Let me start out by asking — How did you come to doing the work that you do?

Honestly, I didn’t mean to do this for a living.

I came to helping people overcome mental and emotional distress by overcoming my own. I’ve been through a long struggle with eating disorders, addiction, anxiety, trauma, and a mind that was slowly cracking at the seams with each day.

I tried, for years, to live as if nothing was happening, but there was a darkness that loomed in the background, slowly growing bigger. My mind was out of control and, soon enough, I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

What began as body image issues, social anxiety, and constant mental noise ended up as addiction, self-destruction, and insomnia. I started to hear voices. I became addicted to the idea of killing myself.

That’s how, one March evening in 2012, I had a mental breakdown. Looking back, it was more like a mental breakthrough, but that was not how it felt at the time. At the time, I sat on my bedroom floor and all the noise in my head went quiet except for one, small and crucial idea. I had to make a choice: change or die.

It wasn’t the easiest choice at the time, but I made the right one. I wish I could tell you it was downhill from there, but it wasn’t. I began a long, strenuous journey of learning to understand and heal my mind, my past, and, most importantly, my relationship with myself.

Many months and countless epiphanies later, I began to get a grip on my thoughts. I started to have some control over how I reacted to my reflection, to social situations, to vulnerability. Over time, that control grew into a beautiful, intricate relationship with my mind – the kind of relationship that allowed me to do more than just “deal” with anxious or self-hating thoughts. I could actually understand my mind, why it worked the way it did, and how to make it work for me, instead of against me.

I started sharing what I learned with people, first through my book The Love Mindset, then through speaking and coaching. I found that, even though few people saw as deep a bottom that I did, the cause was the same and the solution was the same.

Now, I could not imagine doing anything else. This is my calling. I shine light into the dark spaces where I used to hide.

 

What was the most difficult part of healing for you and how does that affect your work today?

Honestly, the lack of guidance and support was the worst. When I shed my mask, I shed any trace of a support system I could have had. All those who loved me as a self-destructive addict didn’t want me as a vulnerable, makeup-less, unguarded, sensitive woman.

I didn’t give up and I didn’t give in. I didn’t put the mask back on just because that’s what people wanted. I told myself that I would never be friends with someone who didn’t want me as I am. I told myself I’d never be intimate with someone unless we could get along in a dark cave in the Arctic with parkas on and our hands over our eyes.

I thought I’d resigned myself to a lifetime of celibacy and isolation, but I hadn’t. Shortly afterwards, I met my partner, and he’s still my biggest inspiration and my biggest fan.

While I learned what to do with my mind on my own, he taught me the importance of the right support at the right time. He showed me what’s possible when a person is allowed freedom to be themselves, space to sort things out, and a mirror to reflect their strengths and their self-deceit.

I suppose that is why I do what I do – to make it easier for people to understand their minds than it was for me and to give people some of that amazing, important support that my partner’s shown me is crucial in times of transformation.

 

What is the most important thing you’ve learned about mental health from your experience with helping yourself and helping others?

I’ve learned that mental health is not a by-product of winning the genetic lottery. A healthy mind is something you cultivate, one day at a time. A person can be born with a clear mind and end up with anxiety and depression.  A person can be born hearing voices and live a healthy, productive life, voices and all.

A mind is just like a body. Just like you need to eat to live, you need to think to live, and what you nourish yourself with every single day matters. I’m not talking about affirmations, I’m talking about vital processes of perception that every single person needs to have to have a healthy mind. It’s incredible that we have such a wealth of information about what we need to eat to be healthy, but nothing like this for our thoughts. I hope to change all that in my lifetime.

I’ve found that many types of mental and emotional distress, things like anxiety, depression, addiction, mania, psychosis, eating disorders – these are products of a lack of control over what one thinks, day to day. Just by changing our relationships with our minds, we can cultivate joy, love, and peace, regardless of circumstances. And that is something everyone should know how to do.

Don’t get me wrong, I think there are mental health issues that go deeper than learning to use the mind in this way and I also think that when everyone learns the simple, effective things I’m teaching, we’ll have so few people presenting with such problems that we’ll actually have the tax dollars, staffing, and time to resolve them.

 

What exactly is it that you’re doing now to help people?

At the moment, I’ve stopped doing speaking, radio shows, and interviews for the most part. I’ve been working on something new that is already impacting people in a profound way.

A few months ago, I got to the point where I was getting more coaching requests than I could honour and many readers of The Love Mindset wanted more from me. They wanted to know how to apply the principles in the book to their own lives.

Needless to say, there is only one of me, so I was having a hard time making myself accessible to everyone who needed my help. One evening, after a session, one of my clients told me that she wanted to “put me in her pocket.” We had a laugh about it, but she insisted, “No, really, would you make a workbook, or a program, or a course?” She said she wanted to have me available to her without having to be right in front of me.

Her comment sparked off lights in my head and, now, months of hard work later, I’ve created a beautiful, accessible, informative, multi-sensory, multi-media guide to help people heal their minds and change their lives on their own terms.

It’s been an incredible ride and, now, not even a week after its release, I’m getting emails telling me about how amazing this program is. Honestly, I might be biased, but I have to agree. Even my inner perfectionist says – this is good stuff. I’m excited to see where it goes, whom it helps, and just how wide-reaching the ripples will be.

I always get excited about healing people because people who have healthy, peaceful, happy minds are people who change the world just by existing. And that’s what I’m working on right now – I’m helping as many people as I can transform into the healthiest versions of themselves.

That’s incredible! How can we get access to Mindset Makeover?

You can read all about the program by clicking right here (this is an affiliate link).  You’ll get all the details about what the program has to offer and how you can benefit from it when you follow the link.

 

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I invite you to check out Vironika’s program and see what she has to offer.  I stand behind Vironika one hundred percent and I highly recommend anything she has to offer.  She’s never let me down, and I know she won’t let you down either.  

Thanks so much for stopping by, and I hope you take a moment to get to know Vironika by visiting her at her website!  You won’t be disappointed!