What to Do When You Wish You Could Change the Past | VictorSchueller.com

When I was nineteen years old, I lived an experience that I’d regretted many times and wish I could’ve changed if I had the ability to go back in time.  I was directing a high school musical, and I handled a sticky situation in an unprofessional manner.  To simplify things, I basically let my emotions get involved when I disagreed how a matter was handled, and I said things that undermined the administration of the school in front of the students who were involved in the show.

The school principal caught wind of what was going on as it was going down and asked me to come take a walk with him to talk about it.  I had known him for several years by this point, and we had a good relationship.  Well, more correctly, we had a good relationship up to that point.  I remember sitting in his office, and the next thing we both knew we were literally speaking at each other with raised voices.  The casual observer would have determined that we were “yelling” at each other.

Yeah, that didn’t go so well.  I chalk it up now days to my youthful ignorance.  I could have known better, but that day I just didn’t.  I ended up getting reprimanded.  While I still was able to stay on as the director of the show, things were just never the same between the principal and me again.

So here’s where I am supposed to be filled with regret over what happened, right?

Not me.  I have absolutely no regret over how I handled myself that day.

Does that mean that I believe I managed the situation well?

Nope.

Does that mean I am free of any negative emotions when I think back to what happened that day?

Absolutely not.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I actually still feel absolutely terrible about what happened.  I just don’t feel regretful.

What’s the distinction between feeling terrible and regretful?  It’s pretty straight forward, in my opinion.  Let me explain:

Emotions reflect what’s alive in us.  Emotions are true.  They are real and undeniable.  Negative emotions point out to us where we have needs that remain unmet, or where we are acting in contrast to our personal core values.  In contrast, regret is a society-influenced, self-imposed attitude that we carry with us as punition for transgressions.  It is a form of self-imposed punishment.

Do you understand the difference?

No doubt there may be events in your own life that you have reflected upon for which you regret.  It’s safe to say we all wish we could go back to the past and change how we handled a particular situation or two (or more).  However, reality is that we simply can’t go back in time.  We can’t change the events of the past.

And, if we can’t go back, and we can’t change the events of the past, then what good does it do to punish ourselves over it?  What positive outcome is the result?  I can’t think of one way that it really serves us.

If you’re struggling with feelings of regret over something that happened in the past, here’s what you can do to overcome those feelings:

1. Think about the event and take time to allow yourself to experience the emotions you feel.

2. Ask yourself what you specifically did that leads to the generation of those emotions.

3. Ask yourself what values you hold that were “violated” when you acted the way you did (This will help you determine why you feel those emotions — you will be identifying the cause or the unmet need).

4. Ask yourself, “If I were in that same position right now, what would I do differently that would lead to an action or outcome that would result in better feelings within me?

5. Upon answering question number four, simply tell yourself, “The next time I find myself in a situation similar to that one, I will choose the action or pursue the outcome that leads to those better feelings.”

6. Repeat steps one through five as needed every time you come back to those negative emotions when you think about the incident.

The more you repeat these steps, and the more you reassure yourself that you can’t go back and can only move forward with a more desirable choice in the future, the more you’ll rise above the regret.  While it may be that the negative feelings may never subside when you think back, you can always move forward with a more positive outlook on future prospects.  I’ve applied the above six steps myself to many of my life events in the past, and it has really helped me move forward.

My hope is that you can now understand the difference between feeling “bad” about something and “regretting” something, and my hope is that you can also move past regret for good, and rise above it for a better (and free) future for yourself.

Did you find this article helpful?  Do you have a life event from the past to which you could apply this process?  I’d love to hear how this post impacted you.  Please leave a comment below, and I promise to respond.

Photo: http://www.freeimages.com/profile/coralsea

On my radio show this week:

This week I am happy to introduce you to Yulia Stark, author of the self development book Master Your Reality.  She will be joining me on my radio show this week to talk about how we are all creators of our own reality. Whether we care to accept it or not, we are responsible for who we are, for the level of love that is present in our life, for the level of success in our career, as well as our happiness and fulfillment.  Listen in to hear Yulia’s own secrets to success in life!

Click on Yulia’s picture to listen to the show!