Category Archives for "Self-empowerment and dealing with difficult people"

“Reality is the mirror of your thoughts. Choose well what you put in front of the mirror.” ~Remez Sasson

At the age of fourteen, I had never been in a musical theatre production in my life.  I walked into the theater for my first audition, back in the summer of 1991.  I had high hopes for the outcome of the audition, but in the end I didn’t get the type of role I had hoped for.  While I had at least gotten a role the local community theatre’s production, I had merely secured a role as a member of the chorus.  In the summer of 1996, only five years later, I was part of a team which brought a brand-new community theatre group to our home town, selling out several shows and featuring a cast and crew of well over one hundred people.  That organization still exists today, sixteen years later!  Awesome!

In five years, I went from absolutely no experience/knowledge to starting a community theatre organization.  Not to mention for most of those five years I was a high school student, and smack dab in the middle of that, I lost my mom in a car accident and was dealing with depression.

I came across many a person as we were in the process of organizing the theatre group who thought what we were doing was impossible.  Some people just laughed and wished me good luck because they didn’t think we stood a chance, especially since I didn’t have a certain degree or level of experience.  Some people, however, never doubted us for a minute, and they became our biggest and most needed supporters when we were scratching and clawing to obtain any sort of credibility during the process.

I never doubted our team for a minute.  We had the drive and motivation to make sure the organization was a success.  How was it that our results so closely matched what we envisioned in our minds?  It’s quite simple; the reason why our results matched our vision was because our minds didn’t know the difference between imagination and reality.  We believed our vision to be reality, thus it was.

Our brains are like computers.  They are much better than computers, but research has shown that for the most part our brains are programmable and they carry out what they are programmed to do, just like computers carry out their programmed commands.  If you continually bathe your mind in positive thoughts, affirmations, and beliefs, your brain will carry out those beliefs by aligning your mind and body with those beliefs.  Likewise, if you continually surround yourself with negativity, and continually bathe it with negative thoughts, affirmations and beliefs, your brain will start to harbor those negative thoughts as “normal” or acceptable, and accept the negativity as its programming.  It’s no wonder some people seem to be so negative much of the time!

If we believe something to be true, wholeheartedly, then our brains will believe that our beliefs are reality.  If you have a goal that you want to accomplish, you must believe that you have already accomplished it, or at the very least, you must create as clear a vision of your goal as you possibly can.  Your brain will believe your vision to be reality, and it will align itself and your body to carry out the programming you have entered.

Have you ever told yourself that there was no way you were going to accomplish something?  Were you right about it?  How did you know that you would never accomplish it?  Did you even try?  Did you convince yourself you couldn’t do it before you even started?

If you think you are a failure, you are right.

If you think you aren’t creative, you are right.

If you think you aren’t good at math, you are right.

If you think you are ugly and fat, you are right.

If you think you are someone who people want to be with, you are right.

If you think you are beautiful, you are right.

If you think you are a positive person, you are right.

If you think you are successful, you are right.

Whatever you think you are, you are right all the time.  The good news is that you get to choose what you think, and therefore you get to shape who you become.

Choose greatness, and think about how great you are.  You will have no choice but to be right!

Photo source: freedigitalphotos.net

“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.” ~Lao Tzu

One of the greatest lessons I learned as I was building a better brain within myself was in regard to intimidation tactics, or more specifically, how to avoid getting rattled by them.  Have you ever been in a situation where you felt someone was especially intimidating, or the thought of encountering someone was intimidating?

I know I sure did.  When I was in professional school, working toward my chiropractic degree, we regularly had these “oral” examinations, where we all had to sit in a room and waited for us to be pulled from the room, one by one, as we were grilled in a series of face-to-face encounters with our professors.  These one-on-one examination sessions with professors were certainly an intimidating and nerve-racking process.  They would fire a series of questions at us about the material we were supposed to have learned.  We didn’t know what they would ask, so we had to expect to be asked just about anything.

That wasn’t all — It seemed we were subject to power plays all the time, but usually we were at the short end of the power struggle.

Now, I want to make a clarification here, because when I use the term “power,” I am referring to “power” in this case as the “right” to be “respected and listened to” in an encounter or conversation.  Many times we find ourselves intimidated when we respect another person’s right to be respected or listened to than our own.

So here’s the crux of the lesson — The amount of “power” a person has over you is the amount of “power” you give them permission to have over you.  That’s it!  If you allow yourself to be intimidated, then you will be intimidated.

I learned this principle about halfway through my course of study at chiropractic college, and I noticed a huge difference once I applied it.  I no longer felt like a subordinate to my professors, classmates, or anyone else, for that matter.  I remember one time I asked a particular clinician (who had a reputation for being intimidating by most students and interns) to sign a document for me during a clinical observation, and another student remarked afterward, “That was ‘ballsy’.”  Darn straight it would have been…If I allowed myself to be intimidated, that is.  While I respected this clinician (remember it’s a balance of respect — it has to be a 50/50 proposition at all times), I didn’t give an inch of my “power” to him.  I maintained my composure and asked for the signature.

Remember that we all have the right to be respected and listened to.  If we respect the rights of others more than our own, we give the balance of power to someone else, and the usual result in these encounters is the feeling of being intimidated.

Now that you have learned this tactic, I encourage you to use it.  Remember — this is a tool, and not a weapon.  I don’t recommend that you go out and now try to play power games with other unsuspecting people.  They deserve a 50/50 split of power too!  This should be used as a tool to assert your right to be respected in any exchange between another person.  You have the right to be respected, and you should not feel obligated to surrender any of your “power” to anyone else.  It’s yours, so hang on to it!  I recommend using positive affirmations prior to any encounter that may potentially be intimidating.  It doesn’t have to be anything fancy.  You could just say something like, “The only power someone has over me is the power I choose to give them, and I choose to give them no power.”  That usually suffices.  Just repeat it to yourself over and over again before the encounter.

Have a great weekend, and may you find yourself less intimidated in the future!

-Victor

Photo source: freedigitalphotos.net

“Every man can, if he so desires, become the sculptor of his own brain” ~ Santiago Ramon Y Cajal

I couldn’t believe that the 10th anniversary slipped by me unnoticed until yesterday!  Where has the time gone?  I thought for sure I would be marking the calendar to pause and observe the event!

Well, actually, truth to be told, I don’t know the exact date, but it’s somewhere within the first ten days of March.  You would think that such a date of significance would be marked and circled for me to remember for eternity, but it’s not.  I don’t know why I didn’t note the date; perhaps it is because once that day came, I didn’t want to look back, and I just wanted to move forward.  I was done thinking about the past — it was time to look ahead to the future, from that day and forever more.

So, sometime in early March of 2002, I began one of the most significant journeys of my life.  Prior to “the day” I was wallowing in self pity and some residual depression, and weighing in at about 225 pounds.  I wouldn’t say I was a “wreck,” but I wasn’t doing that well either.  It all started nine years earlier, when I was in an actual wreck — a car wreck with my mom, and as a result of the accident she was killed.  To say watching your mom die right in front of your eyes is a traumatic experience that changes you is an understatement.  The effects were deep and long lasting.

Without belaboring the point, I slipped into a depression, gained a lot of weight, and struggled in pretty much everything.  I look back and wonder how I made it through college in that state (and how much better I could have done had I made it through “normally”).  I had a hard time keeping a job and staying motivated, and I was lazy.

“The day” came out of nowhere.  Actually, I can pin it down to “the moment.”  I was sitting on the couch watching television in the early evening hours, after supper.  Suddenly, I looked down at my big fat belly, and something snapped within me.  For the first time, I was disgusted and frustrated with what I saw.  Something in my mind was screaming, “This is enough!  Get off your lazy butt and do something!  I’m sick of being fat and lazy!  It’s time for a change!”

The voice continued, “Do something now before you change your mind!  Get up!  Now!  Quick!”  So I did.  (More on this later)  I went into the kitchen, grabbed the phone book, found a gym nearby, and called and inquired about a membership.  I hopped in my car, drove to the gym, and signed up.  I left the gym, went to the store, got some exercise clothes and shoes, and came back to the gym for my first workout in years.  I went at it five days a week, taking off on the weekends.  I changed my eating habits, and within a year, I had lost seventy-five pounds.  I felt great!

Now I thought that the benefits of being healthier and losing weight were going to be mostly physical.  What I didn’t realize (until years later) was the significant impact getting in shape had on my brain and mind.  Not only did I build a better body, but I also rebuilt a better mind!

Through my journey that started ten years ago, I learned some valuable lessons and shaped my brain as a result.  The eventual outcome was that I was more motivated, more positive, and just had a better outlook on life and its possibilities.

Before I end my post today, I want to quickly go back to the “voice” in my head that was screaming at me to do something before I “changed my mind.”  I am forever indebted to my “conscious” mind, because it was “the voice” that was screaming at me.  It must have caught my “unconscious” mind sleeping, or it must have gagged it or knocked it out or something, but it knew it could get through to me at that single moment, and as long as I was motivated to change, I could overcome my “unconscious” mind’s desire to remain fat and lazy and unmotivated.  Maybe your “conscious” mind has been trying to shout over your “unconscious” mind to tell you it’s time for a change, and I encourage you to listen to it, because it can change your life!

I want to share with you the lessons I learned as I built a better mind for myself, and I plan on doing so through a series of posts to come.  I hope you enjoy hearing about my journey to a better brain, and how changes in how I thought led to many revelations that forever changed my life.  As I look back on what I had learned, and now consider what science has revealed about the brain and the workings of the mind, it all makes sense.  I look forward to sharing my stories with you.  Until then, have a great day!

-Victor

“They may forget what you said…but they will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Carl W. Buechner

As a homeowner, parent and a spouse, I am inundated with decisions to make.  The decisions are endless, and the insight into what makes an intelligent one still escapes me.  I can make many a decision, however, it’s the whole “intelligent” modifier that presents the biggest obstacle. 🙂

Here are two of the most common thoughts that I have endorsed through my life of making decisions: 1. “I’m trying to make an objective decision,” and 2. “I don’t want my emotions to get involved in making this decision.”

It tuns out that those two comments, or some variation of such, underscore two of the biggest misconceptions and mis-truths that exist in regard to the human mind and decision making.  The truth of the matter is that essentially all of the decisions that we make are a result of an emotionally driven thought process.  Great…It turns out that deciding to endorse those two misconceptions is another “non-intelligent” decision on my part.  Add it to the tally…

Antonio Damasio, professor of neuroscience at the University of Southern California, has done extensive research on how emotions are involved in decision making.  His research has suggested that people are unable to make decisions when they are unable to tap into their emotions.  The basis for this conclusion?  He has studied those who have suffered from brain damage to areas involved in generating emotions, and has found those people unable to make even the most simple of decisions.  You can see an interview where he discusses this by clicking here.

Does this knowledge really change anything?  It can.  The best leaders are the leaders who tap into their emotions when making tough decisions.  The literature is out there across multiple authors who say it.  It doesn’t mean that they are subject to emotional swings — it just means that they are in tune with their emotions when it comes to making decisions.

Maybe knowing how significantly emotions are involved with future decisions that I make in my life and by becoming more in tune with my emotions, perhaps I can become a better dad and spouse.  I need to remember that it’s not necessarily the words that I use, but rather how I make others feel when I say them.

We are emotional beings, whether we like it or not.  Our emotions have a profound influence on us daily, as we are responsible for making a seemingly endless number of decisions.  Not only that, but we have to consider the fact that we respond to how people make us feel more than what is actually said.  Let’s look to embrace emotions as a strength of ours, rather than a shortcoming.  Actions speak louder than words, but emotions speak loudest of all!

Have a great day!

-Victor

“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” – Helen Keller

In 2007, I was a contestant in a singing contest which was modeled in many ways after the show “American Idol.”  One week we were to do a song in the category of “oldies,” and I picked Frankie Valli’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You.”  In preparation for the show, I choreographed a sequence where I would pick someone from the audience and play it up, hopefully to both have some fun with the audience and get some votes from the judges.  The thing is I never let on to anyone that I was going to spring this choreographed sequence during the competition.  I just sang the song like normal throughout the rehearsals, with no choreography.

When the time came, I took a deep breath and just went with it.  I had a great time, running all over the stage, sliding on my knees, jumping over a chair, and playing it up with the audience.  The audience seemed to like it.  As I was walking off the stage, the next competitor waiting in the wings looked at me with a forced grin on his face.  He motioned over to me, and pulled me close so he could say something in my ear.  His words were, “Thanks for showing me up, @sshole.”

Thinking back to that moment when he said that to me, I often think to myself about how it could have been different.  Just think about how it would have been for both of us if he had flashed a huge grin on his face, pulled me close, and screamed, “You nailed it!  Awesome!  Great job!”  Just think how that would have affected his performance.  He would have been jacked up, and he would have absolutely nailed his number.  Instead, it was clear my performance got to him.  He thought so much about my performance that it negatively affected his performance on the stage (in my humble opinion).  I saw a missed opportunity, but how often do we all miss these opportunities?  How often do we allow single, small moments to define our days, weeks, months, years, or lives?  How often do we allow the actions of others to have such a profound influence on our actions?

The choice to be competitive versus collaborative, in my humble opinion, is the difference between being good enough and great.  It is the difference between a “me” mentality versus a “we” mentality.  There exists this huge chasm that separates the “me” thinkers from the “we” thinkers.  The jump is huge.  In order to achieve any level of true greatness, one needs to make that jump from “me” to “we.”

Whenever we feel threatened or that someone has invited us to a fight, our “thinking” part of the brain isn’t the first to react.  It’s the lower, more primitive areas that become active.  These areas shoot stress hormones down our spines, and the adrenaline kicks in, causing our hearts to beat faster, our lungs to breathe more quickly, and we prepare to defend ourselves.  It negatively affects our performance, and usually results in undesirable (and potentially embarrassing) behaviors.  If we allow it, the lower, more primitive centers will hijack the rest of our thoughts, and our thinking brain never really gets involved.

I ask you to join me in taking on the challenge of catching yourself when you start feeling those emotions of fear, jealousy, competition, anger, or any other feeling that is based on your desire to further your own agenda at the cost of, or at least without consideration to, the agendas of others.  Let’s work on consciously being aware of our feelings, and let’s remind ourselves to step back and think about how we can become more collaborative.  Let’s work to continually strive to bring out the best in everyone.  Let’s celebrate the successes of others, help each other, and do what we can to bring the greatness out in the collective whole.

True greatness comes from collaboration, not competition.  Let’s be great together!

Have a great weekend!

-Victor

Photo source: freedigitalphotos.net