This is the final installment of the series of articles in which I talk about what I call the top three contributors to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  There are three main contributors, that I believe make up over 90% of the problems we face when it comes to living in peace and harmony with others, and that get in our way as we attempt to connect with others.  I would contend that if everyone did these three things a little better, the world would be a lot better place to live.

In my first article, I talked about the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  This arises when people have difficulty articulating how they feel, and then they have an even more difficult time articulating what it is that they need or what value of theirs is in misalignment.  Finally, people have a very difficult time making requests of others that will help them either get what they need or help them reach a place of alignment with their personal core values.

Then, in my second article, I went into detail about the inability to appreciate multiple perspectives at the same time.  Many times this shows up when someone views other people’s ideas as “stupid,” or when people assume that others have ill intentions or ulterior motives behind their actions.

The second installment flows pretty effortlessly into this article’s topic, which rounds out this series, and it is concerned with making interpretations, evaluations, or moralistic judgments about another person.  This one is a tricky one to catch, because in many instances we do this without even giving this a second thought.

So what is involved here?  It’s quite simple — it involves looking at the actions of someone and then drawing a conclusion about what you think the other person’s motivations or thoughts might be.  For example, if you observe that someone is naming other people who had been involved in a project — one that didn’t go well, by the way — you may interpret this behavior as the other person’s attempt to “throw others under the bus,” or you may think that they’re “trying to pin it on other people,” or that they are “playing politics.”

Do you see how these are all interpretations and evaluations of a person’s behavior, and how there is this undercurrent of implied “wrongness” in what that other person is doing?  This is how conflicts start, and this is how conflicts endure.  When we tell other people what we think they’re thinking, very rarely does it end positively!

I had a client who would tell me that they had a hard time with the idea of trying to help other people get their needs met, and that was because they didn’t like how some people were trying to “get out of trouble,” because they had done something “wrong.”  Do you see how this line of thinking is inundated with interpretations?  When we view other people through the lens of interpretations, moralistic judgments, and implied wrongness, it’s hard to see a real person beneath all of that.  In this case, I would suggest this client is not yet able to help another meet their needs because they need to work on overcoming interpreting and diagnosing first.

So what can we do to overcome interpreting and diagnosing?  It’s pretty simple.  You just say it like it is.  If someone’s voice got louder, their voice got louder.  I would suggest that you refrain from saying to the other person, “When you yelled…” and may I suggest you say “When your voice got louder…”  This is an objective statement, that cannot be argued by the other person.

Instead of saying “You threw us under the bus…” you may want to stick to the observable facts, and alternatively consider saying, “You started naming all of the people who were involved in the project when they asked who was responsible.”

Also, if you refrain from saying “I think…” you can steer clear of interpretations and diagnoses.  It’s really easy to slip into that mode when you say something like, “I think you’re just trying to get out of trouble.”  That’s an interpretation, and a judgment that implies wrongness.  You are implying that what they are doing is wrong.  What do you think the other person’s reaction is going to be when you finish telling them that they’re “just trying to get out of trouble” (Especially when that wasn’t even close to what they were intending to do)?

Now that you have awareness of interpreting, diagnosing, and making moralistic judgments, I’d ask you to observe and listen to the conversations that go on around you.  Take time to listen to discussions, especially those that are aimed at avoiding or resolving conflict.  Listen for the “I think…” statements, and listen for the interpretations and diagnoses.  You may be surprised at how many of these occur in our regular conversations.  These types of conversation pieces do not bring us closer together and allow us to connect better with others.  They actually keep us further apart, because we are judging the behaviors of others as “wrong,” as if we are “better” and “less wrong” than they are.

The more we are aware of these three potential contributors to “interpersonal discontent,” the better we will be able to avoid the pitfalls associated with the use of them.  We can listen better to people when they are pulling out their “hammer” from their “toolbox,” and listen for the “please” embedded within their abrasive and critical statements.  We can be a much better listener when we focus on broadening our perspective beyond our narrowed egoic perspective, and attempt to appreciate the perspectives of others at the same time.  When we can leave out the interpretations and moralistic judgments of others, and just observe what is for what it is, we can decrease the likelihood that others will get upset or offended by what we have to say about what we see others doing.

We have the true power to positively impact every interaction we engage in on a daily basis.  Now that you have knowledge about the three big obstacles to interpersonal harmony, you can positively impact everyone you communicate with every day.  Even if you can improve one conversation per day with someone, you’re having a tremendous impact on others that won’t be forgotten.  Let’s continue to build a more positive and harmonious world together.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/joegratz/117048243

This is the next installment of the series of articles in which I’ll be discussing what I call the top three contributors to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  There are three main contributors, that I believe make up over 90% of the problems we face when it comes to living in peace and harmony with others, and that get in our way as we attempt to connect with others.  I would contend that if everyone did these three things a little better, the world would be a lot better place to live.

Last time I talked about what I call the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  This arises when people have difficulty articulating how they feel, and then they have an even more difficult time articulating what it is that they need or what value of theirs is in misalignment.  Finally, people have a very difficult time making requests of others that will help them either get what they need or help them reach a place of alignment with their personal core values.

In this article I’m going to focus on what I call the inability to appreciate multiple perspectives at the same time.  Many times this shows up when someone views other people’s ideas as “stupid,” or when people assume that others have ill intentions or ulterior motives behind their actions.

Usually, when someone has a more narrowed perspective, they think about their own interests, and don’t pay much attention to, or quite honestly have difficulty understanding what it may be like to be another person.  They lack the ability to “walk a mile in another’s shoes,” so to speak.  They lack the ability to empathize with others.

Now, we all have the ability to empathize.  It’s been shown in scientific studies that we have what are called “mirror neurons” that actually become active when we watch someone else doing something.  The same areas of our brain are active as the areas of the brain in the person who is doing the activity that we are observing.  It’s as if our brain is experiencing the event, even though we are not.

The problem we face is that this function takes place in the cerebral cortex of the brain.  This is the outer “shell” of the brain, as it were.  But, if we are making assumptions about other people that they are trying to take advantage of another, or if we lead ourselves to believe that the ideas of other people are “worthless,” we are using parts of the brain that are more concerned with protection and preservation of life.

After all, when someone says that another is “trying to take advantage,” or that their ideas are “stupid,” we’re actually dealing with a “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  The person is really trying to ask “please,” but they don’t know how to articulate it in a way that makes it more likely that they’ll get their needs met.  But the rub is that that the person views and accepts as true that the other person is actually “stupid,” or “trying to take advantage” of a situation.  Their interpretation is that the person is doing something “wrong,” and therefore it causes the initiation of the stress response in the body.  Instead of this person giving the other the benefit of the doubt, or seeking to find deeper meaning behind what they observe, they are stuck and stressed.

These stress hormones “hijack” the emotional and higher parts of the brain, thus making it difficult to empathize or be compassionate toward other people.  Those “mirror neurons” are less likely to become activated, and the person stays relatively fixed in their stress response cycle.

So what’s the way out of this?  It takes awareness.  It takes concentration and mindfulness on our part to “catch ourselves” in the middle of making interpretations, evaluations, or moralistic judgments about another person.  This also happens to be the third contributor to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding, and will be the topic that I write on next as the final installment of the series.

So, for now, it’s really about being mindful about your thoughts.  Try to put yourself in the shoes of another person.  How would you feel if you heard what you were saying?  What might be going on inside of the head of another person — what might they be thinking — that may be causing them to respond and act out the way that they are?

By simply being curious — by simply “wondering” what may be happening — you can unleash your empathy and compassion.  By asking, “What may be going on with them?” you can open up yourself to perspectives beyond yourself.  With practice, you can begin to broaden your “wondering,” and expand to larger groups of people, until ultimately you can appreciate a “universal” perspective, which is all-inclusive and all-encompassing.

How can you broaden your perspectives?  How can you “wonder” more what it’s like to be another?  These are the keys to building connections with other people, and showing them that not only do you care about them, but you truly seek to understand them too.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/joe57spike/5676547198

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be discussing what I call the top three contributors to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  There are three main contributors, that I believe make up over 90% of the problems we face when it comes to living in peace and harmony with others.  I would contend that if everyone did these three things a little better, the world would be a lot better place to live.

So, for today, I’m going to talk about what I call the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  This arises when people have difficulty articulating how they feel, and then they have an even more difficult time articulating what it is that they need or what value of theirs is in misalignment.  Finally, people have a very difficult time making requests of others that will help them either get what they need or help them reach a place of alignment with their personal core values.

But before we dive in today about how we can overcome the “hammer in the toolbox” problem, we need to, in my opinion, look at the world we live in first.

Let’s look at our children’s television programming or movies to start.  (Remember, what we show our children over the first seven years of their lives becomes their subconscious “program” that basically “runs the show” 95% of the time for the rest of their lives) If I were to tell you that I would bring a guest to your house that would show your child that it’s okay to kill or beat up another person, would you approve?

I’m guessing that most of you would say, “no” pretty quickly to that question.  Yet, that’s what your television and the cinema does with a lot of popular children’s programming and movies.  Here’s the typical story line: There is an antagonist (the “good” entity).  Things are going well until the antagonist shows up (the “bad” entity).  There is building tension throughout the movie as the antagonist does “bad” things, and then, at the climax, the antagonist is either punished or killed.

Is that pretty accurate?

And why, exactly, does there need to be a bad guy?

Because of what it does to us mentally and emotionally.  We’ve been conditioned to find pleasure in punishment.  It’s the product of a society based on the idea that there is “good” and “bad,” and “right” and “wrong,” and “normal” and “abnormal.”  And, you had better “fall in line” and do what is “good,” “right,” and “normal,” because if you don’t you’ll be punished and an example will be made of you so that others don’t do what you did.

I mean, that’s a very efficient way to control other people.  To heck with how they feel.  We don’t need to know how people feel.  We just need to know that they’ll do what they’re told.  That’s just easier, right?

As a parent, can you not just “tell” you child what to do, without consideration for their feelings?  Sure.  As a supervisor, can you not just “command” your subordinates to do what you want them to do, because you’re their boss and if they don’t they’ll get fired, without consideration for their feelings?  Yes.

But, just because you can do it, does that mean that it is the preferred way to do things?

We don’t talk about our feelings.  We aren’t asked about our feelings.  When were you ever asked about your feelings by your teacher, or during your entire educational process?  What about at work?  Are you asked how you’re feeling?  Probably not, and that is what leads to the “hammer in the toolbox” syndrome.  We lack the know-how on how to express our feelings, and even if we do, it can feel uncomfortable because it’s just “not the way we do things” on this earth and in our society.  To talk of your feelings is to be perceived as “weak” and “too sensitive” to be a leader or effective in anything we do.

And then, when we do muster up the courage to talk of feelings, we’re not really talking about our feelings most of the time.  We say things like “I feel like you’re taking advantage of me,” or “I feel like you’re not listening to me.”  “Like” is not a feeling!  We can feel “happy,” “angry,” “frustrated,” “elated,” “curious,” “perplexed,” “confused,” or even down right “sad,” but we cannot feel “like.”  And I can prove it.  What can you do to feel “happy?”  Now, what can you do to feel “like?”  Yeah, I thought so…

So here we are, unable to articulate how we feel.  So, here’s the first question: “How do you feel?”

Question number 2: “Why do you feel this way?  What is it that you are either getting (usually leads to a positive feeling), or not getting (usually leads to a negative feeling)?  Or, what core value do you hold true to yourself that you are aligned with (usually leads to a positive feeling), or with what value are you not aligned (usually leads to a negative emotion).”

Question number 3: “If you are experiencing a negative emotion, and have identified what it is that is lacking or out of alignment, what can you ask others for, so that you can get it or align with that value?”

When we put this all together, we can connect better by overcoming the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  The problem, by the way, is that we’re not effectively articulating our needs or unmet values, so we’re just “hammering away” violently, telling people what to do with no regard for their feelings.  This creates a lot of damage, just as if you were to try to do everything you needed to do to build or fix something, but all you had in your toolbox to use was a hammer.

To overcome this problem, we simply have to state what is happening, how we feel about it, and what we need that we’re not getting.  Then, we simply have to ask others to help us get what we want, without demanding it.

When we can do this, we can add another tool to our “toolbox of communication.”  We can also use it to listen to others too!

If you’ve enjoyed this post, you’ll really enjoy my book, Rise Above Criticism, Negativity, and Conflict.  It’s a book that describes the “hammer in the toolbox” problem, and provides you with many more helpful things to consider and apply to your own life to help you speak to and listen to others much more peacefully and effectively.  You can get it by visiting Amazon.com or Barnes And Noble.  It’s a quick read, and people really enjoy it!

I’ll talk with you next week in the next installment of this series, to talk about the second major contributor to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  Talk soon!

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/olga-lednichenko-photos-albums-images/6417934707

Tired of “drama” on Facebook? Need some positive inspiration? Follow me on Facebook and I promise to add positivity to your day!

Tired of “drama” on Facebook? Need some positive inspiration? Follow me on Facebook and I promise to add positivity to your day!

I have to admit this — I have a really hard time dealing with lots of noise and uncontrolled environments.  They not only make me feel overwhelmed, but they make me feel uncomfortable and frustrated.  I don’t know if it’s just because of the intensity of the emotions that resonate with the noise and disorder, or whether it’s my desire to have order and quiet, but it’s something that I deal with regularly, especially considering the fact that I have young children.  As a matter of fact, I once again realized this yesterday, as I was driving in the car with them, and they were enjoying themselves in the back seat of the car.  While no doubt they were having a good time, the volume level was a bit more than I would consider “comfortable.” 🙂

Do you have this same issue?  Or, is there something else that pushes you to your limit of comfort?  Is there a certain type of situation or set of circumstances that seems to put you squarely in the “overwhelmed” category?  Perhaps it’s a one-time issue, like a family illness or death or major event, where you just don’t know where to go anymore with all of your emotions.

A few months ago, a family that I know through our days in school together experienced a major family situation, which reminded me well of how one day things can be just fine, and the next day your life can be turned upside down.  The wife was driving home in inclement weather, and flipped her vehicle.  She suffered major head trauma, but miraculously, she survived and is on her way to recovering.  It’s astonishing.  It defies the odds.  Her husband, when writing about the experience on a daily basis through the Caring Bridge website, said something that reminded me of a powerful technique we all can use when we are pushed to our limits.  Now, I have to admit that his situation is so much more significant than mine when it comes to dealing with noise and disorder.  But, I think this bodes well for us, because it shows that you can use it in a variety of situations, but it is equally as effective, no matter when or where you choose to use it.

Here’s what you do: When you feel that you have taken everything you can, and you simply “can’t” anymore, all you need to do is give up what you can’t handle.  You can give it to God, or you can offer it up to the universe.  Just say, “God, I can’t take this anymore…Here you go…Carry this for me.”  Or, alternatively, you can offer it up to the universe, by saying, “Universe, it’s yours.  I can’t take anymore. I’m giving it to you to deal with.”

I think just knowing that there is something “bigger” than us that can help us through our difficult times is a relief.  Sometimes we feel that we have to deal with our problems on our own, and this simply is not true.  We are never alone in this vast universe of people and creation.

Just offer it up to someone or something else.  Put it in a “basket” and offer it up and relieve yourself of the burden you have come to carry.  Give it to God.  Give it to the universe.  They can help.

Remember, we’re not alone.  We have help!

Let me know — have you ever done this when you felt overwhelmed or that you just “couldn’t” anymore?  If so, let me know of your experiences!  I’d love to hear about them!

Photo source: www.sxc.hu/profile/vagabond9

Tired of “drama” on Facebook? Need some positive inspiration? Follow me on Facebook and I promise to add positivity to your day!

The following is a guest post from Chance Scoggins

Two and a half years ago, my friend Debbie began to sense it was a time for a change. Her husband had been very successful in his work, but as the economy and his industry took a downturn, it was impossible to predict the future. It felt unwise to trust that work would flow as freely as it always had, or that his position would remain secure. Debbie had never worked outside of her home, but the kids were growing up and moving out. She wanted to contribute and to be proactive. She began to dream.Continue reading