Let’s look at the power of these three words, and what they are doing for you.
What is happening, without your awareness, when you say these three words? Are you avoiding responsibility? Are you not ready? Are you actually creating a way of excusing yourself from something?
I had a client who used these three words to offer resistance to making changes. They offered multiple times that they couldn’t change until certain things occurred in their life. Some of them were things that would take years to materialize, such as children being old enough to be out of the house, and so forth. Why do you think they may have used those three words? What do you think may have been going on with them?
What do those three words do? While they imply a beginning, they actually mean a finality.
If you say “I can’t,” have you not already made up your mind as to whether you can do it or not? The “until” is irrelevant, because the “can’t” is where you can get stuck.
Your mind hears the “can’t” and it’s all over. It’s a paralyzer.
What are those three words doing for you? Do they give you hope for change? Do they motivate you and inspire you to move forward? Do they carry a positive energy?
Take some time to ask yourself some questions about these three words: “I can’t until…” Here are some self-inquiry prompts to help you get started. It may be helpful to capture your thoughts and reflections as you explore your responses to these prompts in a journal or some other form of documentation:
Why am I really saying “I can’t until?” What is the reason for saying it?
How do I feel when I say “I can’t until?”
What is it about the change that I am resisting or uncertain about?
Am I being fearful of something, which is showing up as “I can’t until?”
Why can’t I do it “until?” Is there any possibility that “I can?”
Am I “absorbing” this type of thought from somewhere or someone else?
Is there a different way I can phrase this to more accurately capture what I am trying to say in this situation?
Once you have had time to reflect upon these inquiries and review your responses, perhaps you can move on to an action plan. Here are some action steps to consider to get you started:
Note the number of times you say a variation of “I can’t until.”
Note the number of times you hear people around you use a variation of “I can’t until.”
Challenge yourself to come up with a different way of expressing what you really mean when you say “I can’t until…”
Think about ways you can substitute the “I can’t until” thought or mentality with something else like an empowering thought or mentality that will move you forward in a positive direction.
Think about ways that you can reduce your exposure to others who may be using the “I can’t until” thought or mentality.
Sometimes we use “I can’t until…” as a way of coping with negative feelings. It’s not really about learning how to avoid those negative feelings. It’s okay to recognize and feel those negative emotions and appreciate them for what they are. However, if you determine that the use of “I can’t until…” is getting between you and where you want to be, perhaps taking the time to reflect upon your own thoughts and mentality and what the source is of those thoughts may be beneficial to you to remove those mental blocks and resistance.
Similarly, if you determine that you are using those words to avoid responsibility, resist change, or avoid something else, are you okay with that? Is that in alignment with who you are and what you stand for? If you find that these thoughts are in conflict with your core values, it may be helpful to seek out ways that you can eliminate this thought pattern altogether. By using the action steps provided above, you can be on your way to starting to do that.
“I can’t until…” What are they doing for you? Take some time to reflect on it.
I don’t know about you, but it occurs often while I am reading a book that the author makes a reference to another author or book that inspired them. I immediately stop reading the book and go searching for that author or that book to check it out. It’s hard to finish a book that way, when you keep interrupting your reading because you’re going off on a scavenger hunt for more books to read!
Nevertheless, on one of my excursions I came across the writings of Florence Scovel Shinn. She was born in the 1870s, and she died in 1940. Behind her she left some absolute gems of writing, one of them, published in 1925, titled The Game of Life and How to Play It. It is described as down to earth and filled with anecdotes, covering topics that include prosperity, healing, forgiveness, faith, and Divine Design.
The book is an easy read, and it teaches some valuable lessons through many stories and examples. One of the ideas that I really took to was the idea of essentially “blessing your misfortunes.” Instead of being angry or fearful about what happened, what may happen, or what is happening, Shinn recommends changing the way you view your circumstances.
Why would you do this? She explains it this way: “We must substitute faith for fear, for fear is only inverted faith; it is faith in evil instead of good. The object of the game of life is to see clearly one’s good and to obliterate all mental pictures of evil. This must be done by impressing the subconscious mind with a realization of good.”
In other words, if you seek all the reasons why you are justified to be suffering from the unfortunate situation, if you affirm that unfortunate things seem to always happen to you, or if you are convinced that people have it in for you and are plotting against you or have evil intentions, you are giving into fear. You are exhibiting “faith in evil,” instead of having faith in the good in you and the good in everyone and everything around you.
It’s only natural when things go wrong that we brood over it and curse and sit in that place of frustration, anger, and resentment. The problem with letting this go on is that our mental dialogue starts to take over, and we begin to think about perhaps the other person that’s involved. We start to think about how they may have done something intentional to us or had ill intentions.
Our mental dialogue may start to chime in about how bad things always happen to us but don’t seem to happen to other people. We may get more frustrated as we start to compile a list of our misfortunes and start comparing it to those around us, especially those who have a shorter list.
But what does all this do? It creates a resonance of negative energy within. It activates the stress centers of our brains, thrusting us into a stress response. We begin to shut down the thinking parts of our brains, and we crumble to fear and negativity.
By blessing your misfortunes, thanking them for the lesson they taught, and by blessing others who are involved and seeking the good in them, affirming your faith in the good in them, you will begin to have faith in yourself. You’ll start to activate the loving, compassionate parts of your brain, and you’ll begin to think loving thoughts and bring to mind memories of pleasant experiences and examples of times when things did go well for you.
In short, if you curse your misfortunes, you’ll begin to see misfortune in your world. If you bless your misfortunes, you’ll begin to see blessings in your world. Your world becomes a reflection of your thoughts and active concentration. Concentrate on the good. BE the good in the situation. By being, you will shape your environment. By being, you will influence those around you. By being, you will have the power to create your own circumstances and attitude about them.
Begin with blessings, and blessings will follow. Begin by expressing your faith in the good, and the good will come as a result. When you start counting your blessings, even in your misfortunes, you’ll quickly see that more good will come out of it as a result.
For the better part of a month now, I’ve given up radio. It used to be part of my daily routine. I used to listen to it as I got ready in the morning, and while I drove to work as well. And then, it dawned on me — the radio was a distraction from things that really mattered to me. It was noise which was drowning out what I really wanted to hear, so I gave it up.
To be more specific, I used to listen to a lot of sports radio. I did it because I loved to listen to sports news. I’d love to keep informed on what was happening with my favorite sports teams (namely the Green Bay Packers), but then I realized something: sports radio (and radio in general) was a lot about things that just didn’t matter that much.
Do I really need to know about a pending contract of a player? Do I really need to know how much money someone is making or about this change or that? Do I really need to hear about what a player has to say about a game, which serves most of us as mere entertainment? Do I need to hear commercial after commercial?
The truth is that listening to radio — any type of radio for that matter — doesn’t help me grow as a person. It doesn’t help me become more of who I want to be. It doesn’t help me search inward to find out what discoveries I can make to improve the things I don’t like about myself. All it does is help me focus on other people and their affairs — things that absolutely make no difference to me or my life at all. I can truthfully live without knowing over 99 percent of what I’d hear on the radio or other news outlets.
Does that leave me out of the loop on certain breaking news? Absolutely. Am I clueless when it comes to the latest controversy or riot or gossip? Yes, most of the time. But, you know what? If I really want to know what’s going on after someone brings it up, I have no problem finding all the information I need by looking online. Not counting sports radio, I’ve really not watched or listened to the news for years — literally. Did I know the ins and outs of what was going on in Ferguson? No, not really. Did I need to know everything that was going on? Obviously not. Still here, still living, still doing okay in the world. I still know the latest news when it’s big enough because I see or hear other people talking about it — either in person or on social media. I get what I need. And, we don’t need much, in my opinion.
You see, I’m trying to be more in tune with myself, and I’m trying to listen to me — the real me — the deep me that has the answers I need. I don’t need more noise on top of everything else. I don’t need distractions. What I need is silence. What I need is the opportunity to have the space to reflect. I need the silence to talk to the “me” that I want to talk to. Silence provides me with the opportunity to ask questions, find the answers, and search deeper and deeper within myself. That’s what I need.
And that’s why the radio stays off, and that’s why I have felt more grounded and more connected ever since.
Are you thinking of doing the same? Here are some things I have done to take the place of the “noise.”
I’ve been using Spotify. I found a radio station which is simply called “meditation.” It’s great. YouTube also has some great relaxing music. Do a search for “meditation music,” or “relaxing music” or even “relaxing soundscapes.” As a matter of fact, one of my favorites is soundscape which is ten hours of the sound of running water. I love it. If you’re a fan of Pandora or i-Heart Radio, you can essentially do the same thing with those apps.
I use my smartphone and plug it into a FM transmitter in my car. My car then becomes a “meditation machine,” and I can ride to work listening to music that allows me to reflect. Sometimes I’ll grab a lecture or lesson from a teacher on YouTube and convert it to an MP3 and load it onto my phone to listen to as I drive too. There are lots of options. Regardless of what you choose, simply making the choice to do something for yourself, rather than immersing yourself in the affairs of others, has the potential to connect you with much more satisfying experiences. I encourage you to give it a try if it sounds like something you’d enjoy.
Have you grown tired of entertainment? Has it just become “noise” to you too? Are you looking for deeper inquiry and deeper self reflection? Let me know. I’d love to hear about it. Leave a comment below.
P.S. – And, for the record, I have not given up doingmy radio show, which is intended to help people. I’ve given up listening to radio that doesn’t help me (or others). I just realized the title of the blog may be misleading… 🙂
Before you do anything else, open up a new window or tab on your web browser and go do a Google search for the following: “How can I be happy?”
When I did it, I got about 615 million results. I know how Google searches work, and not all 615 million hits will be entirely relevant, but it’s pretty clear looking at the first few results that there are a lot of people who have advice on how to be happy. There are a lot of people who are looking to be happy too!
So I am openly wondering: If there are so many people seeking happiness, are those resources and references really helping? Or, are people trying some of these, discovering that some work or don’t work, and then slipping back into “unhappiness” once again? I mean, if there was a way to find happiness, wouldn’t we have figured it out by now, and wouldn’t we have shared it many times over and passed this from generation to generation so that we can all find happiness and keep the happiness going?
Or is it possible that happiness is not the tippy top? Is it possible that there is yet a higher “thing” we need to pursue? Is it possible that we may find happiness, but is it not also possible that happiness only gets us to the middle point of the mountain?
As I’ve been reflecting and meditating on this idea, I’ve come to the conclusion that there just has to be more. There has to be a higher level of experience that we can all experience than happiness. And, if we can work to pursue and eventually arrive at that higher level we may find what it is that we’re really looking for that we’ve thought was happiness all this time.
Is it through pursuit of something larger than one’s self? Is it passion? Is it developing a life full of meaning? All are suggested avenues of achieving greater ideals than happiness itself if you take a gander out there and search for something “better” than pursuing happiness.
Maybe happiness is a form of “avoidism.” Perhaps the pursuit of happiness and pleasure an indication of one’s attachment to them. Is pursuing “non-attachment” to pleasure what it takes? The Buddhist tradition suggests that suffering results from “attachments.” I’ve been actively integrating these principles into my daily living. I know that I feel better about life in general, but is that the “tippy top?”
I guess all I can say is that I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever the mountain is that we are all trying to reach the top of is an enormous mountain. It’s huge. There are a bunch of people struggling to just started on it, and there are people who are climbing higher, but the higher one climbs the fewer the other people at that elevation. I’ve also come to the conclusion that while one like myself may have a lot of ideas and answers, it’s not about giving others the ideas and answers that I’ve found for myself. It’s more about helping other people learn how to ask themselves their own questions to prompt their own personal discovery that lies within them.
Is happiness all there is? I don’t think so. And, I don’t think that we are wise to live a life in the pursuit of happiness, assuming that it’s the tippy top of the mountain, and that once we get there everything will be better.
I hope you didn’t come to this article, hoping that I would provide you with what it is that is “better” or “higher” than happiness, because I don’t have that for you today. I don’t have a list of things that you can do or try to find more happiness or fulfillment. If you’re looking for that, pick one of the 315 million hits that I helped you find earlier.
I wrote this with the hope that my questions will prompt your own inner questioning and discovery about yourself and what is important to you. Is happiness where you wish to stop on the mountain, or do you believe that there is “more” to life than the pursuit of happiness?
I’d love to read what you’re thinking or what you’re reflecting upon as a result of reading this. Please share in the comments below, and I promise to respond.
Photo copyright Steven Bratman. Images shared via creative commons license. Click here for link to image.
Everything has its season, and I firmly believe that this is the season for us to take time to participate in one very important practice. As a matter of fact, if you’re going to only focus on doing one thing between now and the end of the year — one thing that can have a huge impact on you, and absolutely allow you to “wow” yourself, you’re going to want to do this. The best part of it is that it doesn’t take a lot of time, it is totally pleasant and fun, and it’s super easy to do.
Here’s what you do: grab a piece of paper and a pen or pencil. Reflect on the year gone by, and try to recall as many things as you can that happened during the year for which you are grateful, or that which was a pleasant surprise. When you think of or recall something, write it down. See how many things you can write down.
Something you can do to help you better recall what happened would be to grab your calendar from the year. Take a look at the months. Maybe you wrote in a get-together with some family friends. Perhaps you went to a concert, or watched one of your child’s events at school, or went along on a field trip. Maybe you took a vacation or small family trip or celebrated a milestone like a birthday or anniversary.
What’s the reasoning behind this? I have a couple of reasons I can share with you. First of all, for some, the holidays can bring feelings of melancholy or a longing to reunite with people who have passed either this year or years past. It’s easy to dwell on how much we miss the people who are no longer with us, and those feelings can lead to other emotions that bring us down. By focusing on those things that we do have, rather than those we do not, we are reminding ourselves of the joys of life and things that we can be appreciative of because we still can enjoy them today.
Secondly, when we are focused on gratitude-based activities, we are affecting the neurology of the brain, setting it to a frequency consistent with joy, happiness, and positivity, which helps us see the world that we live in in a more positive light, and it helps us adopt a mindset that makes us more appreciative of life in general. It’s kind of like when you are at the baggage claim at the airport, looking for your luggage. If you have a red bag, you will pay attention to all the red bags that pass along, ignoring the other colors as they go by. If you are grateful, you’ll pick up on the joys in life and sort of ignore the negatives as they pass by.
Third, I firmly believe that people underestimate how phenomenal their year was when it comes to an end. This is your chance to “wow” yourself by looking back and seeing just how awesome it was for you, and how much you accomplished! Just take a look at all the great things that happened throughout the year, and just think about the possibilities that lie ahead in the upcoming year! You’ll be surprised at what you discover when you commit to this practice at year’s end.
One last thing you can do as the “icing on the cake” is to just look at your life in general. Did you get up this morning? Are you healthy? Are your family members healthy? Are you cancer free? Do you have the full use of all of your body parts? Can you walk? Do you have food on your table? Can you provide for your family? Think about the abundant blessings that you simply take for granted every day, and realize how fortunate you truly are each and every day you’re alive.
The year’s end is a fantastic time to focus on your blessings, and remember all that is good in your life. As you look forward to the new year, you can even start writing down the good things that come along, or you can write down some things you’d like to accomplish in the upcoming year, or simply enjoy the holiday season as it unfolds.
As I write my final blog entry for 2014, I wish you a wonderful holiday filled with blessings and gratitude. I wish you a wonderful start to the new year, filled with anticipation, hope, and wishes for the future. May you enjoy your blessings, and may your heart be filled with joy and love.
Take care, and as always, many blessings to you. Happy holidays, and have a very happy new year!
It is my belief that one of the most troublesome issues with our communications with other people is that we, make as Marshall Rosenberg puts it a very “unnatural” way of talking “very natural.” And, as a result, we end up hurting a lot of people in the process, or getting caught up in a lot of other people’s concerns and affairs, most of which we have absolutely no business getting involved with in the first place.
That’s because we talk about our feelings. But, not all feelings are equal. And, when we start treating all feelings as equal, that’s when we run into problems.
In reality, many of the things we have come to believe to be feelings are not feelings at all. Rather, they are just interpretations or diagnoses of what we think other people are doing. What we really should be saying, truthfully, is that we “think,” rather than “feel.”
Let me break it down for you. We may say something like “I feel like Beth is trying to take advantage of me.” We have good intentions as we start out by saying “I feel…,” however, as soon as we insert the word “like,” we’re dealing with something completely different.
Try this out…Replace the words “feel like” in the sentence above with the word “think.” Now, the same statement is more truthful, as we now say, “I think Beth is trying to take advantage of me.” When we do this, we now uncover the term “feel” for what it really is…It’s really an interpretation of the other person’s intentions. It’s our diagnosis of what is going on.
When we are talking about how we actually feel, we don’t “feel like” anything. We don’t “feel like” we’re sad, and we don’t “feel like” we’re happy. We simply “feel” sad, or “feel” happy. True feelings cannot be interpreted or diagnosed, because they are true. Nobody can question whether you feel happy or sad, because you either do feel this way or you don’t. “Real” feelings are always true.
So, not all feelings are equal. There are some “false” feelings, which are really diagnoses or interpretations. They are vehicles by which we try to express, albeit ineffectively, what we “think” the other person intends to do or what the motives are behind their actions. These are not true feelings.
True feelings are a reflection of what’s alive in that person at any given moment. True feelings are those of excitement, joy, sadness, despair, anger, frustration, and happiness.
The other problem that we face when we try to pass along “false” feelings as something legitimate is that the interpretations or diagnoses open both parties up to a debate. For example, if I were to say to Beth, “I feel that you are trying to take advantage of me,” she can easily respond by denying that this is her intention. There is no better way to put someone on the offensive than to tell them what you think their intentions are, especially if you think their intentions are suspect. Chances are you will not easily reach a peaceful outcome through this methodology.
What do I recommend you do as an alternative? Speak to what you can observe. Instead of thinking that someone is “trying to take advantage” of a situation, perhaps speaking about how they asked you for your availability, but then scheduled a meeting at one of the only times you were not available would be beneficial for you to get to the bottom of the issue. By speaking to the facts which are undeniable, you can then get to the bottom of the issue. Interpretations are not necessary when you utilize the facts to determine what is going on.
Remember that we need to de-condition ourselves from speaking about “feelings” that are really thoughts, diagnoses, and interpretations. We’ve been conditioned for much of our lives to use the term “feel” interchangeably with “think,” but when we do, we will end up offending others and creating more problems than we solve. Use the term “feel” only when you follow it up with an emotion, and not followed by words like “you” or “like.” You’ll find that the less “thinking” you do about what other people are doing, the more success you’ll have resolving difficult situations.
Do other people make you feel bad sometimes? Not so fast! It’s time to re-think this and put yourself in an empowered position. Find out what you need to do to move from powerless to empowered by simply changing your perspective on who makes you feel the way you do!
Check out my video message. It’s only three minutes long, but it’s a powerful lesson for today. Enjoy!
Did you find this video to be helpful? Let me know what you thought about it in the comments below. I promise to respond!
When I was nineteen years old, I lived an experience that I’d regretted many times and wish I could’ve changed if I had the ability to go back in time. I was directing a high school musical, and I handled a sticky situation in an unprofessional manner. To simplify things, I basically let my emotions get involved when I disagreed how a matter was handled, and I said things that undermined the administration of the school in front of the students who were involved in the show.
The school principal caught wind of what was going on as it was going down and asked me to come take a walk with him to talk about it. I had known him for several years by this point, and we had a good relationship. Well, more correctly, we had a good relationship up to that point. I remember sitting in his office, and the next thing we both knew we were literally speaking at each other with raised voices. The casual observer would have determined that we were “yelling” at each other.
Yeah, that didn’t go so well. I chalk it up now days to my youthful ignorance. I could have known better, but that day I just didn’t. I ended up getting reprimanded. While I still was able to stay on as the director of the show, things were just never the same between the principal and me again.
So here’s where I am supposed to be filled with regret over what happened, right?
Not me. I have absolutely no regret over how I handled myself that day.
Does that mean that I believe I managed the situation well?
Nope.
Does that mean I am free of any negative emotions when I think back to what happened that day?
Absolutely not. Nothing could be further from the truth. I actually still feel absolutely terrible about what happened. I just don’t feel regretful.
What’s the distinction between feeling terrible and regretful? It’s pretty straight forward, in my opinion. Let me explain:
Emotions reflect what’s alive in us. Emotions are true. They are real and undeniable. Negative emotions point out to us where we have needs that remain unmet, or where we are acting in contrast to our personal core values. In contrast, regret is a society-influenced, self-imposed attitude that we carry with us as punition for transgressions. It is a form of self-imposed punishment.
Do you understand the difference?
No doubt there may be events in your own life that you have reflected upon for which you regret. It’s safe to say we all wish we could go back to the past and change how we handled a particular situation or two (or more). However, reality is that we simply can’t go back in time. We can’t change the events of the past.
And, if we can’t go back, and we can’t change the events of the past, then what good does it do to punish ourselves over it? What positive outcome is the result? I can’t think of one way that it really serves us.
If you’re struggling with feelings of regret over something that happened in the past, here’s what you can do to overcome those feelings:
1. Think about the event and take time to allow yourself to experience the emotions you feel.
2. Ask yourself what you specifically did that leads to the generation of those emotions.
3. Ask yourself what values you hold that were “violated” when you acted the way you did (This will help you determine why you feel those emotions — you will be identifying the cause or the unmet need).
4. Ask yourself, “If I were in that same position right now, what would I do differently that would lead to an action or outcome that would result in better feelings within me?
5. Upon answering question number four, simply tell yourself, “The next time I find myself in a situation similar to that one, I will choose the action or pursue the outcome that leads to those better feelings.”
6. Repeat steps one through five as needed every time you come back to those negative emotions when you think about the incident.
The more you repeat these steps, and the more you reassure yourself that you can’t go back and can only move forward with a more desirable choice in the future, the more you’ll rise above the regret. While it may be that the negative feelings may never subside when you think back, you can always move forward with a more positive outlook on future prospects. I’ve applied the above six steps myself to many of my life events in the past, and it has really helped me move forward.
My hope is that you can now understand the difference between feeling “bad” about something and “regretting” something, and my hope is that you can also move past regret for good, and rise above it for a better (and free) future for yourself.
Did you find this article helpful? Do you have a life event from the past to which you could apply this process? I’d love to hear how this post impacted you. Please leave a comment below, and I promise to respond.
This week I am happy to introduce you to Yulia Stark, author of the self development book Master Your Reality. She will be joining me on my radio show this week to talk about how we are all creators of our own reality. Whether we care to accept it or not, we are responsible for who we are, for the level of love that is present in our life, for the level of success in our career, as well as our happiness and fulfillment. Listen in to hear Yulia’s own secrets to success in life!
[hcshort id=”67″]Carnival workers have a bad reputation, don’t they?
It seems like everyone likes to take a crack at the “carnies.” We like to make fun of how they look. We like to look down at them and their “lowly” life. We mock them, criticize them, and make them the butt of our jokes.
The last I checked, they counted as humans. Two arms, two legs, a working brain, and everything else that makes them the same as you and me.
However, why do we lack compassion for the “carnies?” Why do we make fun of them? Why?
It’s the same reason why we lack compassion and understanding for anyone else who belongs to a “group” that differs from our own.
It’s not just the “carnies.” It’s the people who have a different color of skin than us. It’s the people who belong to a different religion than us. People who work a different type of job from us. People who make a different income than us. People who are attracted to different people than us. It’s the people who dress differently than us.
I’ve noticed a correlation between the size of the distance we place between ourselves and others and the magnitude of the lack of compassion and empathy for others. The more “different” we view ourselves as another, the less compassion we have for them.
Here’s a great example of that:
Source: motifake.com
And, another:
Source: motifake.com
So, how can we find compassion in our hearts for the “carnies” and other groups of people we struggle to accept and understand?
Here are three easy steps we can follow to decrease the amount of “distance” we place between ourselves and others to find more compassion and empathy in our hearts.
1. Seek commonalities
Try hard to find ways that we are similar to others. By seeking to find the commonalities we share with other people, the more we will see others as, well, humans. Just like us. When we can look to others as brothers and sisters, we will be more likely to love and exercise compassion and understanding for others.
2. Exercise the art of “wondering”
There is also a corresponding relationship between empathy and wonder. The more you “wonder” what it’s like to be another person, and experiencing what they are experiencing, the more empathy you develop for that person. It’s that neuronal “mirroring” that occurs. The more you “become” the other person, the more you’ll develop emotions within you that help you understand what emotions the other person may be experiencing as well. The great news is that our brains are highly developed to perform this task. We just have to use it more often, especially when we are interacting with someone who we may view as very different from us.
3. “De-group” the people and “Re-humanize” the interaction
Its been observed in scientific studies also that when people lump others into “groups” it allows for the interaction to be de-humanized. Just think of what happened to the Jews during World War II. They were put into a “group.” As a result, they were de-humanized and slaughtered. That’s because people no longer are people. They are non-human members of a group. They become less than human. This is exactly what’s happening when we categorize people as “carnies.” We are “grouping” them, and therefore they become “de-humanized.” Then, they become easy pickings for our jabs, insults, and ridicule.
We are here for much more than criticizing others. We are here for great purpose. Truth to be told, when we stoop down to this level of behavior, we don’t feel good about it. Something doesn’t sit well within us. That’s because our true heart knows that we are compassionate and loving. When we don’t act in this manner, there is inner conflict. We’re not at peace.
It’s time to stop calling people names and placing them into groups. It’s time to seek commonalities rather than emphasize differences. It’s time to rise to that higher level of compassion, love, empathy, and celebration of who we are and who others are. It’s time for us to reach our full potential. The time has never been better. Less judgment, and more compassion. We can do it!
How did you like this article? Did it speak to you? Was it helpful? Please let me know how you felt about it in the comments section below. I promise to respond if you do!
It’s not very often that you meet someone the first time and experience an immediate “Wow!” moment, where you’re just blown away. Well, I had one of those moments when I interviewed Vironika Tugaleva on my radio show earlier this year, to talk about her awesome book, The Love Mindset: An Unconventional Guide to Healing and Happiness.
As I had said at the time, I was left scrambling to listen to the replay of our conversation to gobble up all the great information, examples, insights, and profound thoughts that she had to offer!
That’s why I was so thrilled to hear that she has figured out a way to share her insight, wisdom, and support with so many people, at one time, through an exciting program that she has just unveiled! I asked Vironika if I could ask her some questions about her program, so that I could let everyone know about it (and to re-introduce you to her if you don’t already know her), and I was so honored that she took some of her valuable time to spend with me.
I have no doubt that you’ll be as impressed and captivated with her as I was that first time I met her, and I have no doubt that if you’re hurting, or looking for someone who can help you in a way that nobody else can, Vironika is totally worth listening to.
I’m delighted to share my interview with Vironika with you! Enjoy!
Vironika, it’s delightful to be with you here. Let me start out by asking — How did you come to doing the work that you do?
Honestly, I didn’t mean to do this for a living.
I came to helping people overcome mental and emotional distress by overcoming my own. I’ve been through a long struggle with eating disorders, addiction, anxiety, trauma, and a mind that was slowly cracking at the seams with each day.
I tried, for years, to live as if nothing was happening, but there was a darkness that loomed in the background, slowly growing bigger. My mind was out of control and, soon enough, I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
What began as body image issues, social anxiety, and constant mental noise ended up as addiction, self-destruction, and insomnia. I started to hear voices. I became addicted to the idea of killing myself.
That’s how, one March evening in 2012, I had a mental breakdown. Looking back, it was more like a mental breakthrough, but that was not how it felt at the time. At the time, I sat on my bedroom floor and all the noise in my head went quiet except for one, small and crucial idea. I had to make a choice: change or die.
It wasn’t the easiest choice at the time, but I made the right one. I wish I could tell you it was downhill from there, but it wasn’t. I began a long, strenuous journey of learning to understand and heal my mind, my past, and, most importantly, my relationship with myself.
Many months and countless epiphanies later, I began to get a grip on my thoughts. I started to have some control over how I reacted to my reflection, to social situations, to vulnerability. Over time, that control grew into a beautiful, intricate relationship with my mind – the kind of relationship that allowed me to do more than just “deal” with anxious or self-hating thoughts. I could actually understand my mind, why it worked the way it did, and how to make it work for me, instead of against me.
I started sharing what I learned with people, first through my book The Love Mindset, then through speaking and coaching. I found that, even though few people saw as deep a bottom that I did, the cause was the same and the solution was the same.
Now, I could not imagine doing anything else. This is my calling. I shine light into the dark spaces where I used to hide.
What was the most difficult part of healing for you and how does that affect your work today?
Honestly, the lack of guidance and support was the worst. When I shed my mask, I shed any trace of a support system I could have had. All those who loved me as a self-destructive addict didn’t want me as a vulnerable, makeup-less, unguarded, sensitive woman.
I didn’t give up and I didn’t give in. I didn’t put the mask back on just because that’s what people wanted. I told myself that I would never be friends with someone who didn’t want me as I am. I told myself I’d never be intimate with someone unless we could get along in a dark cave in the Arctic with parkas on and our hands over our eyes.
I thought I’d resigned myself to a lifetime of celibacy and isolation, but I hadn’t. Shortly afterwards, I met my partner, and he’s still my biggest inspiration and my biggest fan.
While I learned what to do with my mind on my own, he taught me the importance of the right support at the right time. He showed me what’s possible when a person is allowed freedom to be themselves, space to sort things out, and a mirror to reflect their strengths and their self-deceit.
I suppose that is why I do what I do – to make it easier for people to understand their minds than it was for me and to give people some of that amazing, important support that my partner’s shown me is crucial in times of transformation.
What is the most important thing you’ve learned about mental health from your experience with helping yourself and helping others?
I’ve learned that mental health is not a by-product of winning the genetic lottery. A healthy mind is something you cultivate, one day at a time. A person can be born with a clear mind and end up with anxiety and depression. A person can be born hearing voices and live a healthy, productive life, voices and all.
A mind is just like a body. Just like you need to eat to live, you need to think to live, and what you nourish yourself with every single day matters. I’m not talking about affirmations, I’m talking about vital processes of perception that every single person needs to have to have a healthy mind. It’s incredible that we have such a wealth of information about what we need to eat to be healthy, but nothing like this for our thoughts. I hope to change all that in my lifetime.
I’ve found that many types of mental and emotional distress, things like anxiety, depression, addiction, mania, psychosis, eating disorders – these are products of a lack of control over what one thinks, day to day. Just by changing our relationships with our minds, we can cultivate joy, love, and peace, regardless of circumstances. And that is something everyone should know how to do.
Don’t get me wrong, I think there are mental health issues that go deeper than learning to use the mind in this way and I also think that when everyone learns the simple, effective things I’m teaching, we’ll have so few people presenting with such problems that we’ll actually have the tax dollars, staffing, and time to resolve them.
What exactly is it that you’re doing now to help people?
At the moment, I’ve stopped doing speaking, radio shows, and interviews for the most part. I’ve been working on something new that is already impacting people in a profound way.
A few months ago, I got to the point where I was getting more coaching requests than I could honour and many readers of The Love Mindset wanted more from me. They wanted to know how to apply the principles in the book to their own lives.
Needless to say, there is only one of me, so I was having a hard time making myself accessible to everyone who needed my help. One evening, after a session, one of my clients told me that she wanted to “put me in her pocket.” We had a laugh about it, but she insisted, “No, really, would you make a workbook, or a program, or a course?” She said she wanted to have me available to her without having to be right in front of me.
Her comment sparked off lights in my head and, now, months of hard work later, I’ve created a beautiful, accessible, informative, multi-sensory, multi-media guide to help people heal their minds and change their lives on their own terms.
It’s been an incredible ride and, now, not even a week after its release, I’m getting emails telling me about how amazing this program is. Honestly, I might be biased, but I have to agree. Even my inner perfectionist says – this is good stuff. I’m excited to see where it goes, whom it helps, and just how wide-reaching the ripples will be.
I always get excited about healing people because people who have healthy, peaceful, happy minds are people who change the world just by existing. And that’s what I’m working on right now – I’m helping as many people as I can transform into the healthiest versions of themselves.
That’s incredible! How can we get access to Mindset Makeover?
You can read all about the program by clicking right here(this is an affiliate link). You’ll get all the details about what the program has to offer and how you can benefit from it when you follow the link.
I invite you to check out Vironika’s program and see what she has to offer. I stand behind Vironika one hundred percent and I highly recommend anything she has to offer. She’s never let me down, and I know she won’t let you down either.
Thanks so much for stopping by, and I hope you take a moment to get to know Vironika by visiting her at her website! You won’t be disappointed!
Nevertheless, on one of my excursions I came across the writings of Florence Scovel Shinn. She was born in the 1870s, and she died in 1940. Behind her she left some absolute gems of writing, one of them, published in 1925, titled 
