Are All Feelings Equal? | VictorSchueller.com

It is my belief that one of the most troublesome issues with our communications with other people is that we, make as Marshall Rosenberg puts it a very “unnatural” way of talking “very natural.”  And, as a result, we end up hurting a lot of people in the process, or getting caught up in a lot of other people’s concerns and affairs, most of which we have absolutely no business getting involved with in the first place.

That’s because we talk about our feelings.  But, not all feelings are equal.  And, when we start treating all feelings as equal, that’s when we run into problems.

In reality, many of the things we have come to believe to be feelings are not feelings at all.  Rather, they are just interpretations or diagnoses of what we think other people are doing.  What we really should be saying, truthfully, is that we “think,” rather than “feel.”

Let me break it down for you.  We may say something like “I feel like Beth is trying to take advantage of me.”  We have good intentions as we start out by saying “I feel…,” however, as soon as we insert the word “like,” we’re dealing with something completely different.

Try this out…Replace the words “feel like” in the sentence above with the word “think.”  Now, the same statement is more truthful, as we now say, “I think Beth is trying to take advantage of me.”  When we do this, we now uncover the term “feel” for what it really is…It’s really an interpretation of the other person’s intentions.  It’s our diagnosis of what is going on.

When we are talking about how we actually feel, we don’t “feel like” anything.  We don’t “feel like” we’re sad, and we don’t “feel like” we’re happy.  We simply “feel” sad, or “feel” happy.  True feelings cannot be interpreted or diagnosed, because they are true.  Nobody can question whether you feel happy or sad, because you either do feel this way or you don’t.  “Real” feelings are always true.

So, not all feelings are equal.  There are some “false” feelings, which are really diagnoses or interpretations.  They are vehicles by which we try to express, albeit ineffectively, what we “think” the other person intends to do or what the motives are behind their actions.  These are not true feelings.

True feelings are a reflection of what’s alive in that person at any given moment.  True feelings are those of excitement, joy, sadness, despair, anger, frustration, and happiness.

The other problem that we face when we try to pass along “false” feelings as something legitimate is that the interpretations or diagnoses open both parties up to a debate.  For example, if I were to say to Beth, “I feel that you are trying to take advantage of me,” she can easily respond by denying that this is her intention.  There is no better way to put someone on the offensive than to tell them what you think their intentions are, especially if you think their intentions are suspect.  Chances are you will not easily reach a peaceful outcome through this methodology.

What do I recommend you do as an alternative?  Speak to what you can observe.  Instead of thinking that someone is “trying to take advantage” of a situation, perhaps speaking about how they asked you for your availability, but then scheduled a meeting at one of the only times you were not available would be beneficial for you to get to the bottom of the issue.  By speaking to the facts which are undeniable, you can then get to the bottom of the issue.  Interpretations are not necessary when you utilize the facts to determine what is going on.

Remember that we need to de-condition ourselves from speaking about “feelings” that are really thoughts, diagnoses, and interpretations.  We’ve been conditioned for much of our lives to use the term “feel” interchangeably with “think,” but when we do, we will end up offending others and creating more problems than we solve.  Use the term “feel” only when you follow it up with an emotion, and not followed by words like “you” or “like.”  You’ll find that the less “thinking” you do about what other people are doing, the more success you’ll have resolving difficult situations.

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