“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ~Fred Rogers

Have you ever said something to someone that went a little like this?

“That made me feel bad.”

“It hurts me when you do that.”

“That hurt my feelings.”

“I’m disappointed in you.”

“You are such a _____ (fill in the blank with your word of choice).”

“Sure, that’s right.  I can’t do anything right.” (said sarcastically)

“Go ahead, just blame me.  It’s my fault.” (said sarcastically)

If you’re saying yes to one or more of these, you’re not alone.  I’ve used these and many more many times throughout my lifetime.  Truth to be told, it actually feels kind of “normal” and “natural” to speak to others this way.  That’s because we’ve learned through our exposure to our environment that this is the “normal” and “natural” way to speak to others.  Unbeknownst to many, these words and phrases are actually violent forms of communication.

You may be asking why this is.  Quite frankly it’s because these types of phrases allow us to do one very significant thing, and that is to shift responsibility for our feelings on to someone else.  We are essentially holding others responsible for our feelings.  We are essentially communicating that it is because of someone else’s actions that we feel the way we feel.

So how can we eliminate the violence from our conversations?  It’s easy in concept, but if you have ever tried to change or if you try to change after reading this article, you’ll find that you have to think a lot and that you talk slowly at first.  With anything, the more you practice it the better and smoother it will get for you.

So here’s the concept: Don’t talk about what other people did (to you).  Talk about what happened.  Talk about facts.  Use observations that are not up for debate.  Eliminate the judgments from your observations.  Observe what is as what is, not what you conclude it to be based on your assumptions and prior exposures.

Instead of saying “You made me feel bad when you turned away from me,” I would suggest trying, “I felt sad and frustrated when you turned away from me.”  In this way you are communicating your feelings and by using “I” in that phrase you are also taking responsibility for your feelings.  Remember — nobody makes you feel a certain way.  Only you make yourself feel the way you do.  If you want to kick it up a notch, follow through and complete the thought:

“I felt sad and frustrated when you turned away from me because I want to be able to speak about what’s on my mind and complete my thought.  Would you please consider listening to what I have to say?”

Man, that’s a mouthful, isn’t it?  Sure is.  And when you start using it you can sound a lot like a robot.  You can chop this up and modify it too.  You don’t necessarily have to say it all, but if you are thinking the rest of it and not saying it, at least you are in tune with your feelings and that will have a positive impact on others too.

I recommend staying away from interpretations about other people’s actions and intentions.  If you use words and phrases like “ignored,” “neglected,” “gave me the cold shoulder,” “got defensive,” “took advantage of,” and the like, you are just enabling a defensive reaction of the other person.  Who is really going to take kindly to being accused of taking advantage of someone else, especially if that wasn’t their intention in the first place?

It’s a challenge, because we’ve made a very unnatural form of expression seem very natural.  It’s hard to take what is our true essence, which is love, compassion, gratitude, and appreciation, and drive our conversations from that foundation.  It’s hard to talk about how we feel, and it’s even harder to accept responsibility for our feelings, especially when we’ve never really had the opportunity to see this communication style modeled by others.

While we may have good intentions in telling people that we are hurting, trying to tell someone that it is they who caused our hurt feelings is a more violent approach.  What’s even worse is that we may not intend to be violent in our words at all.  Maybe we’re just trying to say, “I’m hurt.”

It’s these unintended consequences of our conversations that lead to problems in our relationships.  The most frustrating part is when people are having troubles in their relationships, communicating in this fashion, and then not understanding why things aren’t going well.

Take some time to do an inventory of how you communicate with others.  I know when I did, I found that I was unintentionally using this more violent type of communication frequently.  Once I started making an effort to change the way I talked, I noticed a change within me, and within those around me too.  My relationships improved, and defensiveness to my communications dramatically decreased.

Communication is hard enough to do well.  We don’t need to confuse it further by adding violence unintentionally.  When we can eliminate that added dimension, and connect to others in communicating our feelings, we will find ourselves in a much better place to discuss anything that’s on our minds.  We will connect at the heart and speak the language of love, gratitude, respect, and compassion.  That sounds much better, don’t you think?

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/ilco

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“Lost time is never found again.” ~Benjamin Franklin

Time management is something that I struggle with on a daily basis.  The problem is that we can’t add more time to the day, and we can’t create more time.  Time is fixed, so we have to cram in as much in the twenty-four hours we have each day.  We can’t really sacrifice sleep, although I am extremely guilty of pushing bedtime off as late as I can!  Mornings come too early for me.  I don’t know what it is, but I am not one of those “get up at 5 AM so you can get more done” types.  While I may have good intentions to do so, 5 AM and I just don’t get along!  For me, squeezing out more time in the evening works well, because I am a bit of a “night owl,” as it were.

Regardless of the attempts to either add more time to the morning or evening, we still have a relatively “fixed” time in the middle that we have to maximize to do what we need to do.  I’ve had more of my fair share of days when I have a long list of things to do, and the next thing you know, a lot of time has passed and not much has gotten done!  I don’t know about you, but it frustrates me when I find that my day was consumed by the minutia of tasks that really don’t do much for getting me past the starting point.

One technique that I have tried, and it has worked well, is implementing what I call the “Big Three” method to my planning, and I wanted to share it with you.

Here’s how it works…Before you do anything, think of the top three activities that possess the greatest “value” in your opinion.  These are the activities that have the potential to provide you with the biggest returns, if you will.

Make a list of those top three items — write them down.  Now, make a list of all the tasks you need to complete for the day.  Determine which tasks on your list align with your “big three.”  If the task on your list is related to one of the “big three,” circle it.  If it doesn’t align with one of the “big three,” leave it uncircled.

Focus on those items which are circled.  You can even prioritize the circled items.  You’ll find that about 80 percent of the items on your list don’t add much value to your day, in that they don’t align with your “big three.”

If you stick to that 20 percent of the items on your list that align with your “big three,” and do those first, you’ll be amazed at how much you can get done.  Once you complete those items, you can then start to chip away at the “smaller,” less important items if you wish.  You can even delegate them or eliminate them.

One other word of advice: when you work, work!  Make sure that everything you do during your dedicated work time is work and not consumed with reading the news, chatting on the phone, taking a walk, or things that are time consumers but don’t hold any value.

In applying the “big three” methodology in my life, I have noticed that I have more time dedicated to doing the work I truly love and getting the most value out of that time.  Not only that, but because I can get so much important work done during that work time, I have more time “outside” of work to enjoy the activities that feed my spirit and soul, like spending time with my family.

If you give this a shot, please let me know what you think.  I’d love to hear about it!

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“Promise yourself to give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.”

Yesterday I joined a local Optimists group for their noon meeting, and I had the pleasure of joining them for lunch and talking with them about some ways to improve communication in three simple steps.  One of the reasons why I just love visiting with the optimists once in a while for their meetings is because I love what they stand for.  At the end of their meeting, they all stand and recite the “Optimists Creed.”  I absolutely love it, and I wanted to share it with you.

I think if we all can live by this creed, our world would be a better place, and we all would be a bit happier.  I know this was timely for me, because I had been struggling with being patient and keeping a positive disposition the past couple of days.  It just goes to show that sometimes things come along just when you need them most!  The second last one was screaming at me yesterday! 🙂

I hope you enjoy the “Optimists Creed” as much as I do!  Here it is:

Promise yourself…

• to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
• to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
• to make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
• to look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism some true.
• to think of only the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
• to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
• to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
• to wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
• to give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
• to be too large for worry, to noble for anger, to strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

Do any of these stand out for you as something you can do more and make your day better?  If something really speaks to you from this creed, please let me know!  I’d love to hear about it!

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I have to admit this — I have a really hard time dealing with lots of noise and uncontrolled environments.  They not only make me feel overwhelmed, but they make me feel uncomfortable and frustrated.  I don’t know if it’s just because of the intensity of the emotions that resonate with the noise and disorder, or whether it’s my desire to have order and quiet, but it’s something that I deal with regularly, especially considering the fact that I have young children.  As a matter of fact, I once again realized this yesterday, as I was driving in the car with them, and they were enjoying themselves in the back seat of the car.  While no doubt they were having a good time, the volume level was a bit more than I would consider “comfortable.” 🙂

Do you have this same issue?  Or, is there something else that pushes you to your limit of comfort?  Is there a certain type of situation or set of circumstances that seems to put you squarely in the “overwhelmed” category?  Perhaps it’s a one-time issue, like a family illness or death or major event, where you just don’t know where to go anymore with all of your emotions.

A few months ago, a family that I know through our days in school together experienced a major family situation, which reminded me well of how one day things can be just fine, and the next day your life can be turned upside down.  The wife was driving home in inclement weather, and flipped her vehicle.  She suffered major head trauma, but miraculously, she survived and is on her way to recovering.  It’s astonishing.  It defies the odds.  Her husband, when writing about the experience on a daily basis through the Caring Bridge website, said something that reminded me of a powerful technique we all can use when we are pushed to our limits.  Now, I have to admit that his situation is so much more significant than mine when it comes to dealing with noise and disorder.  But, I think this bodes well for us, because it shows that you can use it in a variety of situations, but it is equally as effective, no matter when or where you choose to use it.

Here’s what you do: When you feel that you have taken everything you can, and you simply “can’t” anymore, all you need to do is give up what you can’t handle.  You can give it to God, or you can offer it up to the universe.  Just say, “God, I can’t take this anymore…Here you go…Carry this for me.”  Or, alternatively, you can offer it up to the universe, by saying, “Universe, it’s yours.  I can’t take anymore. I’m giving it to you to deal with.”

I think just knowing that there is something “bigger” than us that can help us through our difficult times is a relief.  Sometimes we feel that we have to deal with our problems on our own, and this simply is not true.  We are never alone in this vast universe of people and creation.

Just offer it up to someone or something else.  Put it in a “basket” and offer it up and relieve yourself of the burden you have come to carry.  Give it to God.  Give it to the universe.  They can help.

Remember, we’re not alone.  We have help!

Let me know — have you ever done this when you felt overwhelmed or that you just “couldn’t” anymore?  If so, let me know of your experiences!  I’d love to hear about them!

Photo source: www.sxc.hu/profile/vagabond9