“Fall down seven times, get up eight.” ~Japanese Proverb

I remember working in a shopping mall in customer service years ago.  Part of my job, which I didn’t particularly care for, was to try to get people to sign up for a promotional credit card.  I had to stand in the mall amongst the shoppers with a clipboard and try to get people to sign up for the card.  It was nearly impossible to get anyone to even make eye contact with me, much less sign up for a card.  This task was tremendously hard for me to accomplish, mostly because I don’t like chasing down people to sign up for something that I feel they really aren’t interested in.  My feeling has always been if they were truly interested, they would come over and inquire about the product.

The part I liked the least about the whole campaign was having to deal with rejection.  I never took the stress of rejection very well, especially in a sales environment.  The blow of a “no” was enough to make me second-guess whether I should stand back up and try again.  I probably would be a horrible telemarketer. 🙂

I am sure there are some of you reading this that feel the same way — you are adverse to rejection.  The fear of the pain of being rejected is enough to prevent you from sticking your neck out there to try something in the first place.  Then, there may also be some of you who, even when you know rejection is not only possible, but highly likely, still march forth and give it your best shot.  Let me say that I admire you tremendously.

Is there a reason why some people are more resilient than others?  Can someone “learn” to be more resilient by fearing the pain of rejection less?  What is resilience, exactly?

From what I have been able to determine, resilience is the response to the body’s exposure to stress.  To simplify, when our body is exposed to a stressful situation, our minds can potentially undergo a change.  They can change chemically, or they can even change physically, with the growth of new brain cells or brain cell connections.  Learning often takes place, and we learn from the painful experiences and plan out how we can avoid such pain in the future.  Some people learn to avoid such pain in the future by simply giving up (and staying down, so to speak).  They just don’t “get back up.”

An interesting study pointed out how it’s possible that we don’t all react to stress the same way.  In some of us, stressful circumstances cause growth of new brain cells, and these new brain cells don’t “forget” the stressful events of the past very readily.  A person who grows these new brain cells in response to stress is more likely to have adverse reactions to the stress, and therefore, less resilience, compared to someone who doesn’t grow new brain cells in response to the same stressful situation.

So it appears that resilience, after all, is based on genetic predisposition.  Some people, in fact, are more resilient than others.  Does this mean that all hope is lost for those who were born to be more adversely affected by stress and less resilient than others?  I don’t think so.  I think the neuroplasticity of the brain allows us to create in us the person we wish to be.  In other words — mind over matter!

The key to becoming more resilient lies in its precursor — our response to stress.  The better we are able to handle stress, the fewer new “traumatized” brain cells that are created, thus the more resilient we will be.  I found some great articles on how to be more resilient, and you can find those here and here.  If you don’t feel like reading all of these articles, here are the top three recommendations, in a nutshell:

1. Develop within yourself a positive self image and maintain a high self esteem.  If you are more positive in general, you will handle stress better, because you remain more optimistic and positive overall.

2. Stay socially engaged.  The more social support you have, the more people you can talk through your difficulties with, thus reducing your stress levels.

3. Be mindful, through meditative practices and focusing on gratitude, appreciation, and big-picture concepts.  People who are more mindful of others and others’ experiences have a more broad perspective of how circumstances affect other people, which helps one gain a large-perspective view on events.  By considering how other people are handling or have handled experiences, it helps you consider how to deal with a similar experience yourself.  (In other words, you have a host of examples of ways to deal with the experience to pick from)

While I don’t like experiencing the pain of rejection, I now have a different perspective than I did on rejection that I did at the time I was working at the mall.  I had been telling myself for years that I am not a good salesperson, and I think the reason why I was never a good salesperson was because I was telling myself (and convincing myself) it was true.  I have a lot of work still to be done in the rejection department, but I know that by continuing to apply the concepts above I can learn to handle the stress of rejection better, and I can become as resilient as I want to be.  I hope you can too!

Here’s to resilience for all!

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“If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.”  ~Anthony J. D’Angelo

A few weeks ago, my computer was working inefficiently.  I was clicking and clicking away at icons and programs, but the computer just grinded away, with seemingly nothing working.  I installed a program that was intended to detect malware and other potential threats to the computer (above and beyond my normal antivirus software), and sure enough, there was something that was on my computer that was dramatically affecting its performance.  Once I was able to clear out the malware, the computer was able to function more effectively.

When we grumble and complain, or when we obsess over things that are beyond our control, with no real intention of solving any problems, or doing anything about our problems, it consumes our brain’s resources.  Grumbling, complaining, spreading rumors and gossip, and the like are the “malware of the mind.”  They consume an awful amount of the brain’s resources, keeping our brains from operating efficiently and effectively.

I know I have difficulty focusing on what is in my control sometimes, because it’s easier to just complain, and quite honestly, it sometimes feels good to do it!  However, taking the time to focus on what I can do and what problems I can solve, in the end, is much more satisfying than doing nothing but complaining.

Let’s take time to clean out our “malware of the mind,” and let’s focus on how we can take control of our lives and what problems out there can be solved.

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“Reality is the mirror of your thoughts. Choose well what you put in front of the mirror.” ~Remez Sasson

At the age of fourteen, I had never been in a musical theatre production in my life.  I walked into the theater for my first audition, back in the summer of 1991.  I had high hopes for the outcome of the audition, but in the end I didn’t get the type of role I had hoped for.  While I had at least gotten a role the local community theatre’s production, I had merely secured a role as a member of the chorus.  In the summer of 1996, only five years later, I was part of a team which brought a brand-new community theatre group to our home town, selling out several shows and featuring a cast and crew of well over one hundred people.  That organization still exists today, sixteen years later!  Awesome!

In five years, I went from absolutely no experience/knowledge to starting a community theatre organization.  Not to mention for most of those five years I was a high school student, and smack dab in the middle of that, I lost my mom in a car accident and was dealing with depression.

I came across many a person as we were in the process of organizing the theatre group who thought what we were doing was impossible.  Some people just laughed and wished me good luck because they didn’t think we stood a chance, especially since I didn’t have a certain degree or level of experience.  Some people, however, never doubted us for a minute, and they became our biggest and most needed supporters when we were scratching and clawing to obtain any sort of credibility during the process.

I never doubted our team for a minute.  We had the drive and motivation to make sure the organization was a success.  How was it that our results so closely matched what we envisioned in our minds?  It’s quite simple; the reason why our results matched our vision was because our minds didn’t know the difference between imagination and reality.  We believed our vision to be reality, thus it was.

Our brains are like computers.  They are much better than computers, but research has shown that for the most part our brains are programmable and they carry out what they are programmed to do, just like computers carry out their programmed commands.  If you continually bathe your mind in positive thoughts, affirmations, and beliefs, your brain will carry out those beliefs by aligning your mind and body with those beliefs.  Likewise, if you continually surround yourself with negativity, and continually bathe it with negative thoughts, affirmations and beliefs, your brain will start to harbor those negative thoughts as “normal” or acceptable, and accept the negativity as its programming.  It’s no wonder some people seem to be so negative much of the time!

If we believe something to be true, wholeheartedly, then our brains will believe that our beliefs are reality.  If you have a goal that you want to accomplish, you must believe that you have already accomplished it, or at the very least, you must create as clear a vision of your goal as you possibly can.  Your brain will believe your vision to be reality, and it will align itself and your body to carry out the programming you have entered.

Have you ever told yourself that there was no way you were going to accomplish something?  Were you right about it?  How did you know that you would never accomplish it?  Did you even try?  Did you convince yourself you couldn’t do it before you even started?

If you think you are a failure, you are right.

If you think you aren’t creative, you are right.

If you think you aren’t good at math, you are right.

If you think you are ugly and fat, you are right.

If you think you are someone who people want to be with, you are right.

If you think you are beautiful, you are right.

If you think you are a positive person, you are right.

If you think you are successful, you are right.

Whatever you think you are, you are right all the time.  The good news is that you get to choose what you think, and therefore you get to shape who you become.

Choose greatness, and think about how great you are.  You will have no choice but to be right!

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“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.” ~Lao Tzu

One of the greatest lessons I learned as I was building a better brain within myself was in regard to intimidation tactics, or more specifically, how to avoid getting rattled by them.  Have you ever been in a situation where you felt someone was especially intimidating, or the thought of encountering someone was intimidating?

I know I sure did.  When I was in professional school, working toward my chiropractic degree, we regularly had these “oral” examinations, where we all had to sit in a room and waited for us to be pulled from the room, one by one, as we were grilled in a series of face-to-face encounters with our professors.  These one-on-one examination sessions with professors were certainly an intimidating and nerve-racking process.  They would fire a series of questions at us about the material we were supposed to have learned.  We didn’t know what they would ask, so we had to expect to be asked just about anything.

That wasn’t all — It seemed we were subject to power plays all the time, but usually we were at the short end of the power struggle.

Now, I want to make a clarification here, because when I use the term “power,” I am referring to “power” in this case as the “right” to be “respected and listened to” in an encounter or conversation.  Many times we find ourselves intimidated when we respect another person’s right to be respected or listened to than our own.

So here’s the crux of the lesson — The amount of “power” a person has over you is the amount of “power” you give them permission to have over you.  That’s it!  If you allow yourself to be intimidated, then you will be intimidated.

I learned this principle about halfway through my course of study at chiropractic college, and I noticed a huge difference once I applied it.  I no longer felt like a subordinate to my professors, classmates, or anyone else, for that matter.  I remember one time I asked a particular clinician (who had a reputation for being intimidating by most students and interns) to sign a document for me during a clinical observation, and another student remarked afterward, “That was ‘ballsy’.”  Darn straight it would have been…If I allowed myself to be intimidated, that is.  While I respected this clinician (remember it’s a balance of respect — it has to be a 50/50 proposition at all times), I didn’t give an inch of my “power” to him.  I maintained my composure and asked for the signature.

Remember that we all have the right to be respected and listened to.  If we respect the rights of others more than our own, we give the balance of power to someone else, and the usual result in these encounters is the feeling of being intimidated.

Now that you have learned this tactic, I encourage you to use it.  Remember — this is a tool, and not a weapon.  I don’t recommend that you go out and now try to play power games with other unsuspecting people.  They deserve a 50/50 split of power too!  This should be used as a tool to assert your right to be respected in any exchange between another person.  You have the right to be respected, and you should not feel obligated to surrender any of your “power” to anyone else.  It’s yours, so hang on to it!  I recommend using positive affirmations prior to any encounter that may potentially be intimidating.  It doesn’t have to be anything fancy.  You could just say something like, “The only power someone has over me is the power I choose to give them, and I choose to give them no power.”  That usually suffices.  Just repeat it to yourself over and over again before the encounter.

Have a great weekend, and may you find yourself less intimidated in the future!

-Victor

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