“There’s no right or wrong when one chooses to be happy. It’s just a battle between one’s own happiness and the judgment of others.” ~Nishan Panwar

Have you ever been “should” on, or have you ever “should” on someone else?

It happened to my older daughter the other week, so it’s the most fresh example in my mind.  She came home from school and told me that some of her classmates were trying to convince her that she was “too small” for a second grader.

I told her that it simply was not true.  I asked her to query these classmates as to how tall a second grader “should” be.  I think the way I put it was, “Ask them to show you in a book how tall a second grader is supposed to be.”

Okay, it’s probably not the best approach, but hey, all you parents out there know you do the best you can with what you’ve got.  The bottom line is that I made my point to Brianna, and she got it.  We are surrounded by interpretations, assumptions, judgments, and diagnoses.  All are opinions, and none are facts.

If I listen to sports radio, which I love to do because I love my Green Bay Packers football, I endure shows with radio show personalities who offer up their judgments liberally.  I get it — it’s what gets good ratings and it’s what gets people to call in.  That doesn’t mean I have to like it.  I don’t watch much television, but I know judgments flow abound there too.

I can’t help but think the amount of energy a person consumes because they are formulating judgments and opinions about something.  Whenever we judge something or someone we have to come up with our own personal definition of “right” and “wrong,” and “good” and “bad,” and “proper” and “improper.”  After we formulate our definitions, we then have to spend a lot of time and effort in the act of communicating to others just how “wrong,” “bad,” and “improper” something is.  For what purpose?

It’s hard to “catch” ourselves being judgmental, because we’re surrounded by it.  From little on, we have been exposed to other people’s judgments of what is “right” and what is “good.”  Well-intentioned people try to offer up advice to others by saying things like, “Well, you should have done this…”

When we have been ridiculed and punished and shamed and teased because who we are or what we do is defined as “bad” or “wrong” or “weird,” it’s no wonder we start to accept the opinions of others as true.  It’s no wonder we start to develop feelings of shame and guilt when we don’t “fit” into the “normal” category.  It’s no wonder we ask what’s “wrong” with us.  It’s no wonder we vehemently defend our own judgments and opinions.

Being a judge has a price.  It costs energy.  It adds stress to our lives and the lives of others.  It leads to attachment.  It leads to resistance.  And, for what?  To point out to others that we are “right” and they are “wrong?”  According to whom?

I can’t say that I am perfect myself.  I struggle with this every day.  I struggle to keep from “piling on” when others offer their judgments.  I struggle to stay calm and just remind myself that people have opinions and that they are entitled to them.  I work hard to let go of my attachment to my own ideas of what is “good” and “right” for me.  It’s hard to do.

In case you are struggling with this yourself, I’ll share a list of things that I have done (and still work on) that have helped me really diminish the “judge” within myself:

• Stop “should”ing on other people.  Consider offering suggestions, and not a judgment.  Instead, replace the “should” with “could.”  I have found this to be huge in turning things around for me.
• Eliminate phrases that start with the word “too.”  When we say something is “too this,” or “too that,” we are saying that there is a “just right” amount of something.  This is simply not true.  This is another way of saying something is “wrong.”
• Let go of what is “right” and “wrong.” It’s just an interpretation and opinion.  I try to think of things as “preferences.”  If I were to ask you what your favorite color is, and you said, “red,” is red a “wrong” choice simply because I like blue?  Most people would think that’s absurd.  However, how often do we observe others’ preferences as “wrong” simply because we prefer something else?  We do it more often than we realize.
• Let go of the need to be “right.”  This one is very hard for me, and I confess it’s the toughest obstacle I face in my quest to diminish my internal judge.  It feels good to be “right.”  We want to be recognized as being “right.”  The problem is that my “right” may be someone else’s “wrong.”  If I don’t prefer to be told my “right” is someone’s “wrong,” then I probably need to be more mindful of instances where I am trying to convince someone else that I am “right.”
• Stick to the facts.  Only speak about observable behaviors.  If someone turns away from you, then say they turned away from you.  Don’t jump to conclusions and interpret the action, such as saying, “You were giving me the cold shoulder,” or, “You were ignoring me.”  The simple act of interpreting the action quantifies it as “wrong” in your eyes (otherwise, why would it be a problem for you?).

I’d like to hear your thoughts about this topic.  Can you think of ways to diminish judgmentalism?  Can you think of great examples of where they show up in our society and culture?  Do you have any stories of how you were impacted by the judgments of others?  Please share!

If I told you that you were a mind reader, would you believe me?  I think it’s safe to say that when we picture someone reading our minds, we think of someone sitting in some sort of contraption, designed to measure brainwaves and extract the deep thoughts in our minds.  The truth is that all of us were designed to read minds, and the equipment is so much more sophisticated than these so-called “contraptions.  The good news is that we were all born with them!

I used to sit at a piano, and loudly sing certain notes while holding down one of the pedals under the keyboard called the “sustain” pedal.  It was interesting to me because if I sang a certain note, the corresponding string that “played” that same note would vibrate, and I could hear the piano “playing” that note after I stopped singing.  The reason why I was able to hear that note being played is because of “resonance.”

(Warning: scientific mumbo jumbo ahead — skip this paragraph if you will fall asleep before it’s over) My vocal cords (vocal folds, as they are really called) have to vibrate in order to make a sound.  Those vibrations compress the air at a certain frequency, and those compressed air waves travel through the air.  The reason we are able to hear those sounds is because our eardrums vibrate at that same frequency, and then it moves some small bones in the ear and then it compresses a fluid chamber in our ear which then vibrates a “hair” in our ears that also vibrates at that same frequency.  When that hair vibrates, it causes a nerve signal to be sent to the brain, and the brain interprets that signal and we perceive it as a sound. (Scientific mumbo jumbo done)

Those vibrations also can travel through the air and cause resonant vibration of the strings on the piano, causing that “note” to be “played.”  They are vibrating at the same frequency.

Our brains are also electro-magnetic organs.  This means that they have the ability to create their own electro-magnetic waves at a certain frequency.  This frequency radiates outward into our environment.  We just can’t see or hear or feel them because the frequency is outside of our audio and visual spectrum.

However, because our brains are electro magnetic, they can respond to electrical or magnetic impulses.  It has been shown that strong magnets placed over certain areas of the brain can cause movement in parts of our bodies.  This is because the magnet can “resonate” at a frequency in which it causes a physiological change in the neurons, which then “fire” and cause the muscles to contract.

All this science comes together to explain how we may be able to “read” each other’s minds.  I did a very informal and crude experiment with a group that I was speaking to this past summer.  I asked them to think of a time when they were really angry, and then tell someone next to them about it.  I walked up and down the middle of the room, and I felt like I was being pelted with all of this negative energy.

The negative thought patterns were affecting the electro-magnetic radiations of the brain, which then radiated outward into the environment.  I could just feel this heavy, angry energy hitting me all over.  I am certain that if someone walked into the room at that moment in time they would have wondered what in tarnation was going on in there that was getting people so worked up.  The room absolutely vibrated with this harsh and heavy energy and sound.

Then, I asked these same people to turn their thoughts to a very happy memory, and tell the person next to them about it.  As I walked up and down the mile of the room, I started to feel different feelings.  I felt lighter, almost like walking on clouds.  The energy softened and was pleasurable.  The audience who participated in this experiment also noticed a huge difference.

We are able to unknowingly “pick up” resonant vibrational frequencies from the people around us.  Some people do this almost intuitively, which gives them this strong “intuitive” sense about things or people.  It’s like they have these “gut” feelings about things that usually end up being true.

Some of us (me included) have to work a bit harder to pick up on these cues.  I have found that one of the best ways to try to tune into people is to actually move out of the head and into the heart. The heart gives out an electro-magnetic wave that is about 50 times stronger than that of the brain.  I have found that trying to connect with the heart has yielded much more success.  I can better read what’s going on with a person.

I don’t know if it’s because I am using a stronger “reading” instrument or if it’s because I am connecting “heart to heart” with someone else, but I know that I have become a much better “mind” reader when using my heart instead of my head.

Either way, you really can’t go wrong.  As long as you try to connect with whatever is alive in that person, and try to figure out what a person is going through at the moment, you’re doing a great job of trying to establish a “mind reading” connection with someone else.

If you’re trying to figure out what’s going on with someone, just start asking yourself some questions.  Ask yourself, “Why is this person doing or saying what they are doing? What is the driving factor?” Or, try asking yourself, “What is it that this person is getting at?  What is it that they are asking for or what do they need and feel they’re not getting?”  These probing questions can sort of put you into a “scanning” mode, allowing you to be open to “pick up” any resonant frequencies that may help give you a clue.

So yes, we do have the ability to read minds.  It just comes easier to some more than others, but we all have the ability.  By moving from the head to the heart, and by asking these probing questions, we can get better at reading minds, and we can also put ourselves in a position to help those around us who may really “need” us to read their minds, but don’t even realize it.

For a fantastic read on effective tips and techniques to read people’s minds, I recommend checking out this article: https://www.cleverism.com/rеаding-people-like-a-cia-profiler/

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/artM

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ~Fred Rogers

Have you ever said something to someone that went a little like this?

“That made me feel bad.”

“It hurts me when you do that.”

“That hurt my feelings.”

“I’m disappointed in you.”

“You are such a _____ (fill in the blank with your word of choice).”

“Sure, that’s right.  I can’t do anything right.” (said sarcastically)

“Go ahead, just blame me.  It’s my fault.” (said sarcastically)

If you’re saying yes to one or more of these, you’re not alone.  I’ve used these and many more many times throughout my lifetime.  Truth to be told, it actually feels kind of “normal” and “natural” to speak to others this way.  That’s because we’ve learned through our exposure to our environment that this is the “normal” and “natural” way to speak to others.  Unbeknownst to many, these words and phrases are actually violent forms of communication.

You may be asking why this is.  Quite frankly it’s because these types of phrases allow us to do one very significant thing, and that is to shift responsibility for our feelings on to someone else.  We are essentially holding others responsible for our feelings.  We are essentially communicating that it is because of someone else’s actions that we feel the way we feel.

So how can we eliminate the violence from our conversations?  It’s easy in concept, but if you have ever tried to change or if you try to change after reading this article, you’ll find that you have to think a lot and that you talk slowly at first.  With anything, the more you practice it the better and smoother it will get for you.

So here’s the concept: Don’t talk about what other people did (to you).  Talk about what happened.  Talk about facts.  Use observations that are not up for debate.  Eliminate the judgments from your observations.  Observe what is as what is, not what you conclude it to be based on your assumptions and prior exposures.

Instead of saying “You made me feel bad when you turned away from me,” I would suggest trying, “I felt sad and frustrated when you turned away from me.”  In this way you are communicating your feelings and by using “I” in that phrase you are also taking responsibility for your feelings.  Remember — nobody makes you feel a certain way.  Only you make yourself feel the way you do.  If you want to kick it up a notch, follow through and complete the thought:

“I felt sad and frustrated when you turned away from me because I want to be able to speak about what’s on my mind and complete my thought.  Would you please consider listening to what I have to say?”

Man, that’s a mouthful, isn’t it?  Sure is.  And when you start using it you can sound a lot like a robot.  You can chop this up and modify it too.  You don’t necessarily have to say it all, but if you are thinking the rest of it and not saying it, at least you are in tune with your feelings and that will have a positive impact on others too.

I recommend staying away from interpretations about other people’s actions and intentions.  If you use words and phrases like “ignored,” “neglected,” “gave me the cold shoulder,” “got defensive,” “took advantage of,” and the like, you are just enabling a defensive reaction of the other person.  Who is really going to take kindly to being accused of taking advantage of someone else, especially if that wasn’t their intention in the first place?

It’s a challenge, because we’ve made a very unnatural form of expression seem very natural.  It’s hard to take what is our true essence, which is love, compassion, gratitude, and appreciation, and drive our conversations from that foundation.  It’s hard to talk about how we feel, and it’s even harder to accept responsibility for our feelings, especially when we’ve never really had the opportunity to see this communication style modeled by others.

While we may have good intentions in telling people that we are hurting, trying to tell someone that it is they who caused our hurt feelings is a more violent approach.  What’s even worse is that we may not intend to be violent in our words at all.  Maybe we’re just trying to say, “I’m hurt.”

It’s these unintended consequences of our conversations that lead to problems in our relationships.  The most frustrating part is when people are having troubles in their relationships, communicating in this fashion, and then not understanding why things aren’t going well.

Take some time to do an inventory of how you communicate with others.  I know when I did, I found that I was unintentionally using this more violent type of communication frequently.  Once I started making an effort to change the way I talked, I noticed a change within me, and within those around me too.  My relationships improved, and defensiveness to my communications dramatically decreased.

Communication is hard enough to do well.  We don’t need to confuse it further by adding violence unintentionally.  When we can eliminate that added dimension, and connect to others in communicating our feelings, we will find ourselves in a much better place to discuss anything that’s on our minds.  We will connect at the heart and speak the language of love, gratitude, respect, and compassion.  That sounds much better, don’t you think?

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/ilco

I’m not packing my bags.  No way.  But, that’s what some people can come to believe when it comes to deciding to do something different in life.

I had the pleasure of interviewing life and career coach Jessica Sweet for my radio show broadcast, which airs today at 12 PM Central.  Click here to listen to the show.  We talked about how sometimes people believe that they face a dilemma when they decide they want to make a change.  People may believe that if they have a family, home, and financial obligations they are “stuck” where they are — not really liking their “day job,” but having to stay there because they are invested in so much.  They may be afraid of taking that step into something different because of the risks.

Along the same lines, because of this heavy investment in family, life, and financial obligations, because they believe that the only possible change is “radical” change, they don’t do anything or make any changes, and they stay where they are.  The thought of making a change is too large and too different.

This is something that Jessica specializes in, and helps people with every day.  I love how she puts it: “You don’t have to move to Zimbabwe.”  You don’t have to make radical changes in order to enable change in your life.  There are small things you can do, each and every day, to get you closer to where you want to be.

If you don’t know much about Jessica (or Jess for short), she helps people who want to do what they love for work, even though they feel stuck in their jobs because of real life responsibilities. Her background as a clinical social worker and therapist along with her natural insight into people help her to quickly connect to who you are and innately understand exactly what you need in coaching. Learn more at http://www.wishingwellcoach.com.

I hope you get an opportunity to listen to our interview today.  If you miss the live broadcast, just click on the link I provided at the beginning of this post, and you can listen to an archive of the show.

Photo source: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/spanishwor

“It’s hard to communicate anything exactly and that’s why perfect relationships between people are difficult to find.”
~ Gustave Flaubert

I was asked to do a webinar for the National Wellness Institute next month (yay)!  I am thrilled to do it, and I am so happy to be preparing a topic that I just love to talk about — “Enhancing Wellness through Improved Communication.”  If you are interested in checking it out, just click the link I provided.

Communication is tricky business, because there are some things about communication that we do almost reflexively in our communications that we don’t realize.  Beyond that, there are things that we do in communication that actually can cause harm to other people, without our even realizing it too.

So, case in point — it brings me to a scenario that played out some time ago with two clients I worked with…They were a married couple who was just having a heck of a time getting through any sort of extended time together without it turning into some sort of argument or dispute.

So, I started asking some questions, and it seemed that all I could get from them are interpretations.  I heard phrases like, “I feel that they are so controlling,” and “I feel they’re trying to take advantage of me,” and “I feel pushed in the corner,” and “I think that they are trying to take me for a ride.”  These are all interpretations because of the way these phrases start out.

When we communicate effectively, we do talk about our feelings, but feelings are emotions.  Emotions are things like happy, sad, frustrated, angry, overjoyed, ecstatic, and so on.  They are a reflection of what is alive in us in the here and now, and nobody can debate our feelings.  It’s not like we can say, “I’m happy” and someone can argue that we’re not!

However, when it comes to interpretations, notice how we follow “I feel” with the word “that.”  The moment you put the “that” after the word “feel,” you are going to follow it with an interpretation, and now it’s up for debate.  When I say, “I feel you are controlling,” it’s up for debate, and it can be argued that the other person isn’t controlling.  When you start a statement using “I think,” then it also goes down the same road.

So, I got this couple to talk to me together at the same time over the phone.  We had to start chipping away at all of these interpretations, because it was causing so much friction every time one was used.  When an interpretation was dished out by one, the other would either deny it, try to clarify it, or just throw out a passive-aggressive statement like, “Sure, okay, whatever you say…I’m always wrong!”

We had to start to look for the facts.  What were the actual observable behaviors?  What were the words actually said?  When we could start to work on finding the facts of the scenarios, they were no longer debatable.  We also worked on the formula for formulating a conversation that leads to compassion and empathy for others.

We finally got to the point where we were able  to talk about the facts without interpretations.  Then, they talked about their feelings about what happened, and what it was that they needed but weren’t getting, which was reflected in the feeling.  Then, they would follow it up with a request.

What we found in this case is that they started talking more lovingly to each other, and they were more in tune with each others’ feelings and needs.  Their relationship started to blossom.  We sort of made up a rule, for the short term, that they could not talk about the past, and that they could only speak in a way that spoke to their common core value of love.  This was a temporary fix, mind you, because you need to talk through difficult issues, but it has to be done when emotions have come down a bit.

So, interpretations and diagnoses are killers when it comes to our communications.  When we interpret the words and actions of another and put it into words, all it leads to is a defensive reaction in others.  It’s up for debate, and it turns into an argument.  

When we speak from the true emotion that resides within us, we let others know what’s alive in us.  We let others know how they can help us, and we provide a clear explanation of what they can do to help us.  It just takes a bit of work, but if we can speak from true feelings and speak to the facts, we can dramatically improve our relationships and make life better for us and those around us.

When we can routinely speak to facts, and not interpretations, we open up a dialogue about who we are and what we feel and what we need.  We eliminate the defensiveness and negativity, and we can start to heal the relationship.

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/leovdworp

“Be positive in your thoughts, passionate in your words and purposeful in your actions. Clean thoughts, Cool words and Clear actions are the impressions that appeal to success.” ~Israelmore Ayivor

I was working with a client who was in a bit of a predicament.  Someone my client knew had a beef with them about something.  She thought the issue was resolved until my client’s friend posted their “beef” on Facebook.  A mutual friend on Facebook to my client had brought the post to her attention.  It was one of those “Oh no they didn’t” moments, and my client quickly called the Facebook poster and asked them to call her back, but (thankfully) didn’t say what the topic of the phone call was.

Fortunately, I had the opportunity to step in before the phone call came from the Facebook poster, and I was able to help manage the situation, before it turned into a mess.  It was clear that there were some options on how to deal with this issue.  One clear option was to basically air it out, and mention that the post was seen, and then ask that if future “beefs” are lingering if it were possible to discuss it, person to person, in the future, instead of posting it on Facebook.  This was the desired strategy of my client.

It seems, on the surface, to be a workable option.  However, usually “beefs” that are publicly aired on Facebook are one sided, because the one who posts the note on Facebook portrays the situation through the interpretations of their own eyes.  What complicates the matter is when friends of the Facebook poster “pile on” with their proverbial comments in response to the post like, “That’s so terrible,” and “That person should be ashamed,” and so forth.  What really complicates the matter is when the “subject” of the “beef” is able to go on to this Facebook poster’s wall and actually see the post and the responses.  That’s what happened here.  Do you really think a “could you discuss it with me in the future first” approach will be calm and collected?  Me neither.

My thought was that to “air it out” and purport that Facebook isn’t the way to go would imply a certain wrongness.  Disagreeing with an approach and implying wrongness are two very different things in my book.  If I were to say, “You’re wrong,” what would you have the opportunity to do?  You would have the opportunity to “argue” or “dispute” my implication of wrongness.  Do you think that defensiveness may start to set in?  Me too.

So, we had a potential pickle on our hands.  How do we now answer this phone call when it comes?  How do we diffuse the situation, eliminate the opportunity for defensiveness, and reach a peaceful resolution?  Well, that’s what I do!  I was glad to help.

Here’s what I said, “If you have the opportunity to paint a picture of the type of person you are, hold the brush, and paint that picture the way you want to paint it.”  In other words, we are always able to paint an impression of the type of person we are in the eyes of others.

What would my client choose?  Does she want to paint a picture of a “Facebook-stalking,”  “witch-hunting” individual?  I pointed out that the Facebook post was posted several days earlier.  To mention the post now would either mean that my client saw the post right when it came out, and then stewed over it for several days, or, that they heard about the post from someone else and then went looking for it.  Either way, the picture painted by going this “air it out” route would be doomed to fail, in my opinion.

I asked, “What kind of picture do you want to paint of yourself?  Do you want to paint a “hunting” picture, or do you want to paint a picture of a friend who is caring, kind, considerate, compassionate, and willing to do whatever you can to make life better for others?  Trust me, it wasn’t a hard decision for my client to make.

So, when the phone call came, my client just asked if everything was going okay, and if they needed anything.  My client added that they were always available to talk if they needed anything or if they wanted to talk.  The conversation continued, but at all times my client stayed on the “high ground,” continually pushing kindness and compassion and love outward toward her friend.  The conversation transpired beautifully, with a peaceful resolution and no further problems (or Facebook posts).

If there is a picture to be painted, hold the brush.  Don’t give others the opportunity to paint a picture of you that you don’t want painted.  Don’t allow others to paint a picture of you that portrays you in a light you don’t prefer or care for.  Grab that brush.  Paint a picture of yourself in colors of kindness, compassion, love, caring, empathy, and patience.  Let those true colors of yours shine through.  After all, you are the masterpiece.

Photo source: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/Keeandra

No doubt we’ve all told ourselves something along these lines:

“I’m so stupid.  Why did I do that?”

“I am such an idiot!”

“I can’t believe I did something like that.”

“I’m so foolish.”

Why do we put ourselves in a position of judging ourselves, and then putting ourselves through the mental anguish of thinking that we’re deserving of punishment?

The reason for this is because this is what we have been conditioned to do all of our lives, since young on.  Since we were children, we were told what was “right” and what was “wrong.”  And, if we did something “wrong,” we were conditioned to say, “I’m sorry,” to try to do penitence for the wrong we committed.

When we look at the world through the lens of “who’s right?” there has to be a wrong.  Is there really a right or a wrong, or is there just judgment of what we believe to be right or wrong?  Instead of playing the game of “who’s right?” why can’t we play the game of “it doesn’t really matter, because right versus wrong is just judgment?”  Why can’t we just play the game of “let’s get in touch with what’s alive in us?”

By getting in touch with our feelings and needs, we can go a long way in repairing the damage done from the self-damage we have inflicted upon ourselves all these years.  Instead of beating ourselves up about how “wrong” we are and convincing ourselves that we “deserve” punishment for committing a wrong act, give this a shot as an alternative:

• State what happened to yourself.  State what the situation was.
• Identify the feeling that was generated when the situation occurred (sad, frustrated, angry, etc.).
• Identify what need there was that wasn’t met, or where you came up short.
• Identify an alternative action for the future that will help you meet the need next time around.

So, for example, I could say, “When I was dishonest with my friend, I felt sad, because I need to know that I can be honest to myself and to others.  Next time, I am going to make sure that I speak out of honesty to honor my friend and myself, so that I can meet my need of being honest.

There, that’s it.  There’s no right or wrong.  There’s just that action of getting in touch with one’s feelings and seeking out what’s alive in us in the here and now.  In my opinion, it’s preferable to the alternative and conditioned response we’ve all become far too familiar with all along.

Give it a shot, and see how you feel.  Let me know what you think!

Photo source: freedigitalphotos.net