Category Archives for "Self-empowerment and dealing with difficult people"

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“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” ~Elanor Roosevelt

A child’s view of the world

I really enjoy taking the time to listen to my young girls as they play and interact with each other.  What I don’t necessarily enjoy is when they have a dispute or concern about something, because then I usually become the mediator. 🙂  When they bring their concerns forth to me, it usually revolves around the same central issue — one of them took and/or started playing with something that the other child “owns.”  For the most part, my girls’ concerns revolve around how what other people do affects them.  Their immature and developing minds are very much set up in an egotistical way, where they rarely are concerned about larger, more global ideas.  Sometimes they discuss events, but rarely do they talk about larger issues.  For the most part, they talk about the world as it revolves around them.

Growing up

As I view the “adult” world around me, it can sometimes be disappointing and frustrating.  Sometimes it can be a bit depressing.  There are some people who still, for the most part, talk about the world as it revolves around them.  They talk (or think) about how things are or may be “taken away from them,” or how someone did an injustice to them, or because someone did something, it had a negative effect on them.  They are locked in a self-centered, victim-based mindset.  This egotistical way of looking at the world is not much of a change from the child’s viewpoint of the world.

While battling through a depression that lasted the better part of eight years, I can definitely relate to this self-centered and victim-based mindset.  My whole life revolved around the world that existed in the here and now.  I couldn’t think about the world more than a few minutes into the future, and I couldn’t recall much beyond a few minutes of the past.  I was a victim, and I only cared about how the events of the world would either positively or negatively affect me.  My life was filled of complaining, grumbling, worrying, and other ineffective and unproductive behaviors.

Wasted resources

I interviewed Sibyl Chavis a few weeks ago on my radio show, and I was so captivated by her story of how she gave up complaining for a period of forty days.  She said when she decided to give up complaining, she realized that she had extra time and mental resources available to consider the possibilities that each day brings.  It really spoke to me, because she was so right — all that time spent on worrying about people, which usually involves complaining, worrying, and gossiping, takes an awful lot of time and mental resources away from the more productive things we could invest in doing.

When we focus on ourselves, and are embattled in maintaining an egotistical viewpoint of the world, we resort to using the more simple, primitive, and reflexive areas of the brain.  Our maturity is reduced to that of more simplistic organisms, where we respond and react to potential threats.  When we fear someone may “take away” something from us, we become egotistical and self centered, and our concerns are then reduced to the individual level.  The result is that we spend so much time doing damage control to prevent our potential losses and we never advance to a more “advanced” mental state.  We remain at a more child-like way of viewing the world, and we stay at the simple and more mentally immature “individual” level.  We lack the inability to think about larger ideas or concepts, because we are investing so much time and energy worrying about and managing “threats.”

Greatness “in abundance”

If we can learn to think from a more abundant mindset, we can come to realize that our lives are full of limitless opportunities and possibilities.  There isn’t a finite quantity of goodwill, forgiveness, compassion, well wishes, or good ideas.  There are enough to go around, and then some.  If we can learn to view the world from a perspective of a spirit-based consciousness, and embrace a more abundant mindset where we truly wish the best for those around us, we can then tap into our more advanced and sophisticated “higher” brain centers, and we can tap into our creative and innovative areas of our brain.  This is where our true greatness shines through.  We transcend from thoughts consisting mainly of people and events right into an idea-based mindset.

We’ve grown physically beyond an immature state of being.  When we learn to focus on growing mentally beyond an immature state of mind, we can realize the true greatness and potential that we all possess within us.  Great minds focus on ideas, not people or events.  We can all be great!  It’s our time to be great!  Great minds are “in abundance!”

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“…the champions fail again and again; yet continue coming back for more. On the physical plane, we call it perseverance. On the mental plane, we call it toughness. On the spiritual plane, we call it artistry.” ~Steve Siebold

Before I could get into chiropractic school, I needed to accomplish a few things — one of which was to complete Physics I and Physics II.  “What was “physics” anyway, and why do I need it to get into chiropractic school,” was my question.  That just shows you the raw stupidity that was bubbling to the surface at that time of my academic career. 🙂  I elected to wait until the very end and take Physics I in the fall of my last year of undergraduate, and the results were not so good.  I was great at the labs, because I could visually understand the concepts of physics, but I was horrible at the actual computation part of physics, because it was like “algebra on drugs” as I called it, and I stunk at algebra.

So, “option one” didn’t work.  I then opted to take both Physics I and II the summer after I graduated from college at a university which offered both in an accelerated format.  I did well in Physics I, but not so good  in the Physics II offering.  This meant that I could not start chiropractic school that upcoming fall as I had originally planned.  I had to wait an entire year, before I could re-attempt Physics II at a local college.  On my third attempt to conquer physics, I finally got the grade I needed to get into chiropractic college.

My wife recently brought me a book from the library, titled, “The Fourth Little Pig.”  She doesn’t usually bring books home for me to read, especially children’s books, so I knew it had to be good, and it was.  It’s a story that picks up where the traditional “Three Little Pigs” story leaves off; the three little pigs are huddled inside their brick house, terrified from their encounter from the big bad wolf.  The wolf was long gone, but the pigs remained in their home, too afraid to emerge from the house, because they were fearful of what would happen if they ventured outside the house.

The three pigs get a visit from their sister — the “fourth” little pig.  She tells the pigs to come out — she tells them the wolf is gone.  The pigs ignore her plea, and they remain inside the house.  Finally, the fourth pig blows down the brick house from the inside, revealing to the three pigs the outside world, free of wolves.  The three pigs quickly realize that their fears were unfounded and enjoy their freedom.

The book served as a great reminder that sometimes we experience setbacks and failures, and the pain or fear of failure is enough to keep us metaphorically “huddled” in our safe “brick houses” so we don’t have to face our fears.  Looking back at my experience with physics, I guess I could have just caved in the face of failure, and give up on my dreams of becoming a chiropractor.  Thank goodness I didn’t give up, because, I would have missed out on some great opportunities and a great life waiting for me some years down the road.  I guess you could say that failure just wasn’t an option.

Are you huddled inside your “safe haven,” afraid to take that step out and explore what is out there?  Is the fear of failure paralyzing you?  Maybe it’s time to think about what you are afraid of, and maybe it’s time to take some small steps into the uncomfortable and give it a shot.  Our brains are built to keep us safe, but that’s a very primitive and archaic mechanism that remains from a time when we were hunted as prey.  Our fears are only a product of our minds — they are only as real as we make them.

We all need the fourth little pig once in a while.  We need to set aside the fear we have created within our minds.  Maybe it’s time to venture out beyond the comfortable and see what great things lie ahead.  As the last line of “The Fourth Little Pig” reads: “…there are worlds to explore, if you’re willing to open the door.”

Open that door, and explore the wonderful possibilities that lie ahead!  It’s a new day!  Seize it and make it yours!

Photo source: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/jannbr

I really liked this article — the title alone was enough to draw me in.  There is some great advice above and beyond the intriguing title.  Check it out!

How To Calm Your Monkey Mind | The Zen Mama’s Blog.

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“Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of the mind.” ~Robert Green Ingersoll

Yesterday I did it.  I let my emotions get the best of me.  I was rendered seemingly powerless to one small moment, and it was like poison in my veins.  I know — I am only human, and I am definitely not perfect.  To err is human, and what is even more important is to learn from temporary setbacks, so yes, yesterday was definitely one of those times from which I need to learn.

I misplaced a piece of equipment that I use.  It wandered off.  It was my own doing, as I could have very well put it back in its usual “resting” spot, so that I could easily find it.  It’s small enough to be carried off by the hands of little inquisitive minds, and definitely small enough to end up in the bottom of a toy bin, a garbage can, and heavens knows where else.

My frustration over the unknown location of my device was rising as I searched high and low, far and wide.  I checked seemingly every nook and cranny; every bin, drawer, and box; every countertop and shelf, only to come up empty-handed.  It doesn’t happen often, but I lost my cool.  I let that one small item, and more specifically the frustration from not being able to find it, take control of my life for a few brief moments.

My frustration at my inability to find my equipment overflowed to become frustration with seemingly everything.  I could feel the anger in my movements, and I could sense its effects in my voice.  My words were spoken with a more forceful and frustrated tone.  I was surprised to notice that the more I let the anger set in, the more it felt like I just needed to be angry; it was as if the more I fed the anger, the happier the anger was.

It was then that I realized I was actually choosing to be angry.  My anger was a voluntary decision.  I didn’t have to be angry, yet I was choosing to let one small device and the frustration revolving around it to dominate my thoughts and being.  I was choosing to let it poison what was otherwise a great day.

Trying to define how I was feeling could be described as three emotions — frustration, anger, and (almost) rage.

I recalled some reading I had done about Jaak Panksepp, author of the book Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions.  In his book he discusses what can cause the activation of the emotion of rage.  Panksepp noted something that hit home with me and how I was feeling.  He noted that the triggers of rage “are the irritations and frustrations that arise from events that restrict freedom of action or access to resources.”   Yep, that was me — restriction of access to resources.  I couldn’t find what I needed.  He also stated that activation of RAGE circuits is “accompanied by an invigoration of the musculature, with corresponding increases in autonomic indices such as heart rate, blood pressure, and muscular blood flow.” We literally get “hot under the collar,” because our body temperature increases as well.  Yep, that was me again, and then some.

Once I realized that I was choosing to be angry about a minuscule piece of equipment, and that my choice to dwell on  it was not helping me find the object, nor was it making the day any better, I realized I needed to change my thoughts.  After a few deep breaths and some physical activity in the form of exercise, I was able to move beyond the anger and get on with the rest of my wonderful day.  I remembered that to be angry is a choice, and to feed the anger would only lead to non-productive results.

What you choose to think is what you choose to become.  We have the choice as to whether we will or will not be angry; we have the choice as to whether we will or will not choose not to let emotions get the best of us.  We are better than that, because we have the ability to choose to be better! Let’s choose to not to give in to mental mediocrity.  Let’s all choose to pave the road to greatness!

Have not just a mediocre day — have a great day!

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“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  ~Malachy McCourt

I remember when both of my girls were almost two years old and they were starting to learn the ways of the world, namely how to communicate their wants (and their “non-wants”).  I remember watching how they reacted when they clearly didn’t like how things were going, or how they were denied something they wanted.  They threw themselves down on the ground in a temper tantrum, kicking, screaming and crying.

All parents have reached this critical juncture in their early parenthood — what do you do?  Is the “thing” you are denying really that big of a deal?  Do you give in, and just let them have the “small” thing they wanted?  I know that I have questioned myself sometimes, asking if it really is a big deal to give in.  What’s worse is when the child throws a tantrum in public.  The embarrassment and questioning looks from other parents is enough to make one crumble to the pressure.  My wife and I usually just walked away from the tantrum, and it usually stopped pretty quickly.  Eventually, our children learned that “no” means “no,” and no matter what they do, it won’t change our answer.  As far as the public displays go, I usually prepped them, informing them that if they “lost it” in the store, I would remove them from the store immediately.  I think I had to do that once, and that was the end of that.

What’s going on?

It’s a power grab.  When a child gets frustrated, and doesn’t know how to cope with their frustration with not getting what they wanted, or if the child lacks problem-solving skills, they may resort to lashing out in a tirade.  If the parent gives in and gives them what they want, the child learns that life is a “casino.”  The child begins to learn that if they hear “no,” but you act out, eventually they hit the “jackpot” and get their way in the end.  This continues as children learn to talk, as they begin to bargain or continually ask the same question when they don’t get the answer they wanted.  They keep asking and asking until the parent wears down and gives in.  “Jackpot” once again!  It’s like playing the slot machine!

This is not the parent’s fault, and it’s not the child’s fault.  Everyone does the best they can with what they have.  If anyone can lay claim to being the perfect parent, I’d like to see what they do!  However, if this behavior is permitted, it can cause problems down the road.  If children are not taught that “no” means “no,” and that nothing is going to change the “no” answer, this child grows up having learned that if they don’t get what they want, they just have to make a fuss, and things will eventually turn to their favor, and once again, they hit the “jackpot” and get what they wanted.  While adults no longer resort to throwing themselves on the floor, they do other things to let others know they aren’t happy.

This is called losing control to gain control.  People usually don’t do this maliciously — it’s really just what they have been conditioned to accept as the norm.  The unknowingly use the fear mechanisms of our minds to wield their power.  Our brains are built to do what is “safe” to ensure we don’t suffer personal harm.  Sometimes we feel physical pain because of emotional causes.  Our desire to avoid any sort of pain or harm causes us to act in ways that prevent us from inducing the painful stimulus.  This usually translates into simply giving what the abuser or tantrum thrower wants, because it eliminates the risk of personal harm.

While it seems that simply giving the other person what they want is an easy way to fix the problem, there is usually a negative side effect.  The downside is that we usually sacrifice our personal needs and wants for the sake of others.  We risk valuing the happiness of others more than our own happiness.  This may lead to feelings of resentment, anger, or other undesirable behaviors.  This also perpetuates the cycle of losing control to gain control, because this behavior is allowed to continue.  Another jackpot, so to speak! 🙂  Just like a parent walking out of the room on a temper tantrum, if you show you aren’t affected or swayed by such displays, the behavior usually subsides, because they’ll realize their power plays don’t affect you.

My reminder to you

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and personal happiness.  Nobody should have to live in fear of repercussions of others.  In the past, I have used self talk to help myself through this type of problem.  I thought something similar to, “I am entitled to my opinion and personal happiness.  As long as I don’t infringe on another person’s right to their opinion and happiness, I am doing nothing wrong.”  This reminded me that I have the right to do what I want to do, as long as I am not harming anyone else in the process.  It’s also a great reminder to yourself that people don’t have the right to intimidate you out of living the life you want to live, simply out of fear.

You are entitled to be happy!  Don’t let anyone stand between you and the happiness you deserve!  Live your life your own way!

Photo source: freedigitalphotos.net

“Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” ~Michael Jordan

The obstacle

I remember watching my older daughter as she was on a mission to learn how to tie her shoes.  She had me show her a few times, and then she tried over and over again, getting better and better with each attempt.  I remember her breakthrough, when she took a rope and placed it around her waist, and finally tied the knot.  I remember seeing and hearing how absolutely thrilled she was that she was finally able to do it.  It was a big accomplishment, and no doubt she was brimming with positive self esteem and confidence.

If I were to ask you if you could tie your shoes, you probably could do it in about five seconds or less.  It’s merely a routine action now days, and I am guessing that many of you do it without even a thought.  None of you are brimming with positive self esteem and confidence.  Why not?  The answer is simple — you’ve moved on to bigger challenges.

If we continually push ourselves to try new things — to move outside of our comfort zones, it can be scary, and the fear of failure can be enough to cause us to stop before we start.  Sometimes not moving outside of our comfort zone, however, is frustrating, because we know we are capable of more, yet that fear of failure stops us, even though we are frustrated.

It’s time to move from being a “victim” to becoming a “victor.” (I am pretty good at being a “Victor,” since that’s my name, but I still need work in the “victor” department).  Instead of playing the role of a victim, and simply complaining about what is, but yet not doing anything about it, move into the role of a “victor,” and ask yourself what you can do about it.

However, if you ask yourself, “So, what can I do about it?” You may come up with a list of possible solutions, even if they are only in your mind.  Some may be more ambitious than others, but some may be within your reach.  Maybe one of your ideas would be “I will not eat any snacks after supper for one week.”  Now you have set up a challenge for yourself — something to reach for, just like the challenge of learning how to tie shoes for a child.  If you can make it through the week on that commitment, you will gain self confidence and positive self esteem, which will motivate you to extend your streak of non snacking, as well as providing you with the confidence that you actually can accomplish something, which may push you to try some of the more ambitious weight loss ideas you came up with.