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“Remove the Reason” and Find Unconditional Love | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | Relationships health family business friends community culture work school life blogs blogging

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This past Monday I had the pleasure of talking to a wonderful young man by the name of Taylor Vogt.  Taylor was my guest on this week’s radio show, and Monday proved to be one of those fine days when a guest provides a genius insight that I have never considered before, and my life is forever changed as  a result.

Taylor and I were talking about those times in life when we feel we’re stuck, overwhelmed, or not making progress, either in our personal or professional lives.  He pointed out that a lot of times this is because we are unknowingly judgmental.  In other words, we encounter a problem or negativity, but we sort of tell ourselves on a subconscious (or even conscious level) that we already know the way to solve the problem.  The result from this line of thinking is that we simply resort to the strategies and logic that we have always applied, and we get nowhere.  We still find ourselves stuck, overwhelmed, and not making any progress.

So I asked Taylor what we can do to “fix” this problem.  He said the “antidote” to being judgmental is unconditional love.

He went on to provide three steps to overcome being stuck, overwhelmed, or not making progress:

1. Identify the source of negativity.

2. Find a reason to give it love, and give it love.

3. Remove the reason, thereby removing the condition by which you are applying love, leaving “unconditional” love.

“Wow!” I thought.  Now there’s a revolutionary idea.  “Remove the reason.”  It so true — we often apply love, but we apply love for a reason, thus making it “conditional love.”  Once we remove the reason, we can move into pure unconditional love.  So cool.

Is there a way that you can give love to a negative in your life?  Is there an opportunity to “remove the reason” for the love?  I think we all can find ways to apply love to those sticky situations in life, and I know there now lies a tremendous opportunity for us to “remove the reason” and find that unconditional love that will bless us and those around us in so many ways.

Give it a try!  Let me know what you think!

Need a “Life Check?” Get 15 Free Gifts! | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | Radio Show

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I am so pumped to welcome the awesome Robin Marvel back to my radio show this week!  The last time I had Robin on my show, we talked about her phenomenal life story and how she overcame the steep odds against her to live a life on her terms, the way she wanted.

Now, Robin’s back with her new book, Life Check, and we’re going to talk about what we can do to get exactly what we want out of life, especially if we’re wandering around and not sure about where life is going to take us.  Robin’s book provides a roadmap and a starting point for anyone who wants to get serious about living a life full of results and accomplishments rather than hopes and wishes.

Not only that, but Robin will give you 15 FREE GIFTS when you purchase her book today!  Click here for details on her offer, which includes a free copy of my book, Mediocre No More!

  • Do you keep asking yourself, when will I be happy?
  • Have you forgot what it feels like to be passionate about your life?
  • Do you allow excuses to become the reason you are not going after what you desire in your life?
  • Do you feel you are worth an amazing life and deserve to get all the things that you desire?
  • Have you been following the crowd so long you have lost sight of the real you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, Life Check is the book for you!

Life Check provides simple, effective ways to balance your life. Encouraging you to stop asking what if and start living the life you have imagined. Freeing yourself from the mundane routine of life by providing life tools that will get you rocking the boat, diving in and finding your passion for being alive!

Robin is an authority on how to get serious about living a life full of results!  Robin Marvel is a multi-published author and motivational speaker in the field of self development.  Her past journey was peppered with homelessness, drug, sexual & alcohol abuse, low self-esteem and teen pregnancy.  By applying the tools Robin shares with others her life is now a life of motivation and purpose.
Devoting her life to encouraging others to stop looking through the wounded eye of negative experiences and start living!

Don’t miss our talk!  As always, if you aren’t able to listen live at 12 PM Central on Mondays, you can always click the microphone below and listen to a replay!

See you there!

How to Improve Our Relationships Using the “Five to One” Rule | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

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Take a moment to think about how you speak to your spouse, significant other, partner, children, friends, or anyone else with whom you have a close relationship.  Think about how often you offer a compliment or words of encouragement, versus offering words or sentiments of a negative nature.  Do you offer more words of praise than criticism?  Do you think it’s about “50-50?” Is it hard for you to even estimate, because you never gave it much thought?

According to John Gottman, Ph.D., an award winning psychologist and author of  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, couples who maintain a ratio of five positive moments (interactions) to each negative moment have relationships that last.  Dr. Gottman has behind him twenty-six years of research on what makes love last.

I would go out on a limb to say that this five-to-one ratio can not only benefit married couples, but anyone in a relationship, no matter what kind it is.  I think the issue at hand is that we really don’t compliment others enough.

I am guilty as charged here.  Sure, I make sure that compliments are plentiful within my household, giving them out left and right to my immediate family members, but boy do I ever fall short when it comes to dishing them out to others.  It’s definitely something that I need to work on.  I don’t know why I don’t do it.  Perhaps because I am such a “get down to business” person that I don’t take the time to actually slow down and take those moments to tell others what I really appreciate or admire about them.

Perhaps it’s about time I start doing it a bit more often.  Maybe I’ll set a goal of at least one per week.  I think I can handle that.

One other note about this ratio is that Gottman stressed that the “one” of this ratio is necessary.  It turns out that this one “critical” comment can be beneficial.  He states, “What may lead to temporary misery in a marriage, some disagreement and anger, may be healthier in the long run.” I guess it turns out that conflict can actually be a good thing to clear the air a bit and balance relationships.  Who would have thought conflict could be good?  Well, it appears it is so when it is at that ratio of five to one.

Five to one.  Is this something you find yourself doing regularly, or do you think you will have to work on this?  I know I have some work to do.  How about you?  Let me know.

Turning Judgment and Criticism into “Please” | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

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Please

“Cheaters never win.”  It still rings in my mind after all these years.  It is my earliest memory of a criticism and judgmental remark made by someone in the public, directed toward me.  I was all of about thirteen years old, and the criticism and judgment came from an adult.

I was volunteering as a coach of a little league team which was composed of mid-elementary-school-aged children.  Coaches were asked to serve as umpires for their own games when played.  One afternoon were in a pretty tight match up with a really good team, and the decision came during the game to make a close call as to whether one of my players was “safe” or “out.”  From my vantage point, it appeared my player was safe, and I made the call.

Obviously, as you know, when a controversial call is made, the benefactors of the call are happy, and those who suffer the negative side effects are unhappy.  Let’s just say that they (the parents of the kids on the other team) weren’t quite so happy.

In the end, we lost the highly-contested game.  I was standing with my mom after the game and  getting ready to go home.  One of the mothers of a player on the team we played against approached us with her son in tow.  She glanced at her son as she stood before my mom and me and said, “See? Cheaters never win.”  She was referring to the “controversial” call I had made during the game.

I think that because I was still young and learning the ways of the world, even though the words stuck with me, they didn’t carry the same “sting” as they would if I were to hear them today.  It must have “stung” my mom, because she promptly wrote a letter to the editor of our local newspaper and voiced her displeasure over the fact that an adult was criticizing and judging a volunteer middle schooler.

Since then, I haven’t been immune to criticism, and I have had my share of defensive reactions and outbursts.  I don’t know why I ever thought that an effective response to a criticism is to retort with a sharp counter, directed at my critic.  If the critical remark from another sparked defensiveness in me, why would the other person not respond in the same manner?

Fortunately, as I have aged and engaged in personal development along the way, I’ve learned how to decrease the “sting” of criticism and judgment.  Within the past couple of years, I had been introduced to and have been researching the concept of “Nonviolent Communication (NVC),” developed by Marshall Rosenberg.

I came across a recording of a workshop on NVC conducted by Rosenberg, and he said something several times which really got my attention, and I wanted to share it with you.  He said, and I am paraphrasing, that criticism and judgments are “tragic” expressions of unmet needs.  He said that our communications are really “suicidal” expressions of “please” and “thank you,” and he implores his attendees of the workshop to hear through the judgment and criticism to seek the unmet needs behind such statements.

I thought this was pretty cool, because if we can “listen through” the judgments, we can identify the needs and the emotions behind the statement, and then we can figure out what they really mean.  We move from getting defensive ourselves to becoming empathic, and truly listening to what a person is experiencing.  The result is that we become more caring and loving toward someone who is really just saying, “please.”

So as I look back at this “cheaters never win” remark, I am seeking to figure out what this mom’s “please” was.  Perhaps she felt frustrated that the call was made as it was.  Perhaps she was asking “please” for equality of officiating between sides.  Maybe she “needed” equality.

As I look back at finding the “please,” I can move from assuming a state of judgment toward this woman for “what she did to me” to a state of empathy, understanding, and connecting.  I find myself more at peace and harmony with everything when I can move to this mentality and line of thinking.  It feels great.  Never has being criticized and judged felt so good, and never have I felt more giving of myself when I have received.

I invite you to think about and share a judgment or critical remark you had received that really affected you, and also please share what you think the “please” was in that case.  I’d love to hear what you experienced and what you think!

Underestimating Your Potential to Leave a Legacy? | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

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Tickets

In the summer of 1995 I was performing in a musical.  I had just graduated from high school, and I was reflecting on how transformative the few years of performing in theatre had been for me.  My first audition for any type of theatrical performance came just four years earlier, yet in those four years, I performed in sixteen shows and experienced success in that and many other areas of the arts.

I reflected at how, if I had been given the opportunity earlier in life, my success may have even been beyond what I had experienced at that point in time.  Perhaps earlier exposure to the arts in a more formal fashion would have opened up avenues that were closed to me, simply because I didn’t grab the opportunity early enough.  Perhaps my development and growth in key performance areas would have been enhanced if I would have recognized I had artistic talents earlier.

The thought crossed my mind that perhaps it would be a good idea to consider bringing a community theatre organization to my home town.  It was a small town and theatre opportunities were scarce.  There was a small community theatre group that had existed for many years about ten miles away.  Actually, that’s where I had been given my first theatre opportunity four years earlier, but still, to ask parents to drive children ten miles one way several times a week is prohibitive in many cases.

I thought, “Why not offer theatre here, right in Random Lake?”  Thinking I may have been on to something, I called two very dear and close friends of mine who shared that same love of theatre, and whom I enjoyed performing with in the other community theatre group.  They agreed it would be a great idea, and so that was the start of what is now Lakeshore Productions, Inc. in the small community of Random Lake.

Don’t get me wrong.  If it weren’t for those two other wonderfully talented and committed young men, it never would have happened.  They took the bull by the horns and they ran with it.  They did much of the heavy lifting, and they really put everything they had into it.  I am forever indebted to Andy and Ryan for their efforts.  They are the ones who truly made it happen.

We also had strong support from key community members and businesses.  They were behind us, and they helped us through sponsorship or direct funding.  The Random Lake High School Booster Club was a financial backer as well as an “in” so that we were considered a “school” group, so that we had access to use the auditorium, which was located within the high school.  We also got buy in from the local hardware store, Doegnitz Hardware, and the local variety store, Burmesch Variety, to sell tickets for us in the early years.  Actually, every year I still call Doegnitz Hardware to buy my tickets!  I can’t even begin to name the number of other people and businesses who poured so much into that organization then and now.

Just last week, my family and I enjoyed the organization’s 18th production of The Music Man.  It was an awesome show.  Believe it or not, there are some people involved with that show who have been with the organization each of those years.  One particular fixture, Bob, made his theatre debut in the theatre organizations first show, and he has been in dozens of shows since with this and other theatre groups.

When I think of the literally thousands of people who have been positively impacted by this theatre organization, I can’t help but chuckle and shake my head in amazement at how one idea and a couple of phone calls turned into something so wonderful, and has influenced so many.  For those of you “Survivor” fans, our most “famous” performer for the theatre organization is Andrea Boehlke, who was on the television series twice, and can be found in several other places within the media now days.  While she is the most notable “alumnus” of the organization, there have been many who have pursued careers in the arts since those days with the group.  As a matter of fact, Joe, the director for the past three shows was one of our “munchkins” (as was Andrea) in our first performance, The Wizard of Oz, back in 1996.

Everyone has the potential to leave a legacy, and it can have small beginnings.  We all have the potential to make a difference in this world.  You’ll find that there are people who will go out of their way to help you and stand with you and take it to new levels if you allow for it to happen.

Is there a difference you want to make?  How can you make it happen?  The first step is just taking action.  The next is seeing where it takes you.  Brace yourself, because it can be a fun ride!  Leave your legacy!  It starts today!

Recite This Daily for a Better Life! | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

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“Promise yourself to give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.”

Yesterday I joined a local Optimists group for their noon meeting, and I had the pleasure of joining them for lunch and talking with them about some ways to improve communication in three simple steps.  One of the reasons why I just love visiting with the optimists once in a while for their meetings is because I love what they stand for.  At the end of their meeting, they all stand and recite the “Optimists Creed.”  I absolutely love it, and I wanted to share it with you.

I think if we all can live by this creed, our world would be a better place, and we all would be a bit happier.  I know this was timely for me, because I had been struggling with being patient and keeping a positive disposition the past couple of days.  It just goes to show that sometimes things come along just when you need them most!  The second last one was screaming at me yesterday! 🙂

I hope you enjoy the “Optimists Creed” as much as I do!  Here it is:

Promise yourself…

  • to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
  • to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
  • to make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
  • to look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism some true.
  • to think of only the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
  • to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
  • to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
  • to wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
  • to give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
  • to be too large for worry, to noble for anger, to strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

Do any of these stand out for you as something you can do more and make your day better?  If something really speaks to you from this creed, please let me know!  I’d love to hear about it!

Something You Can Do When You Are Overwhelmed | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

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hands up

I have to admit this — I have a really hard time dealing with lots of noise and uncontrolled environments.  They not only make me feel overwhelmed, but they make me feel uncomfortable and frustrated.  I don’t know if it’s just because of the intensity of the emotions that resonate with the noise and disorder, or whether it’s my desire to have order and quiet, but it’s something that I deal with regularly, especially considering the fact that I have young children.  As a matter of fact, I once again realized this yesterday, as I was driving in the car with them, and they were enjoying themselves in the back seat of the car.  While no doubt they were having a good time, the volume level was a bit more than I would consider “comfortable.” 🙂

Do you have this same issue?  Or, is there something else that pushes you to your limit of comfort?  Is there a certain type of situation or set of circumstances that seems to put you squarely in the “overwhelmed” category?  Perhaps it’s a one-time issue, like a family illness or death or major event, where you just don’t know where to go anymore with all of your emotions.

A few months ago, a family that I know through our days in school together experienced a major family situation, which reminded me well of how one day things can be just fine, and the next day your life can be turned upside down.  The wife was driving home in inclement weather, and flipped her vehicle.  She suffered major head trauma, but miraculously, she survived and is on her way to recovering.  It’s astonishing.  It defies the odds.  Her husband, when writing about the experience on a daily basis through the Caring Bridge website, said something that reminded me of a powerful technique we all can use when we are pushed to our limits.  Now, I have to admit that his situation is so much more significant than mine when it comes to dealing with noise and disorder.  But, I think this bodes well for us, because it shows that you can use it in a variety of situations, but it is equally as effective, no matter when or where you choose to use it.

Here’s what you do: When you feel that you have taken everything you can, and you simply “can’t” anymore, all you need to do is give up what you can’t handle.  You can give it to God, or you can offer it up to the universe.  Just say, “God, I can’t take this anymore…Here you go…Carry this for me.”  Or, alternatively, you can offer it up to the universe, by saying, “Universe, it’s yours.  I can’t take anymore. I’m giving it to you to deal with.”

I think just knowing that there is something “bigger” than us that can help us through our difficult times is a relief.  Sometimes we feel that we have to deal with our problems on our own, and this simply is not true.  We are never alone in this vast universe of people and creation.

Just offer it up to someone or something else.  Put it in a “basket” and offer it up and relieve yourself of the burden you have come to carry.  Give it to God.  Give it to the universe.  They can help.

Remember, we’re not alone.  We have help!

Let me know — have you ever done this when you felt overwhelmed or that you just “couldn’t” anymore?  If so, let me know of your experiences!  I’d love to hear about them!

Photo source: www.sxc.hu/profile/vagabond9

Run With Those Who Get It | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | Relationships health family business friends community culture work school life blogs blogging

Tired of “drama” on Facebook? Need some positive inspiration? Follow me on Facebook and I promise to add positivity to your day!

The following is a guest post from Chance Scoggins

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Two and a half years ago, my friend Debbie began to sense it was a time for a change. Her husband had been very successful in his work, but as the economy and his industry took a downturn, it was impossible to predict the future. It felt unwise to trust that work would flow as freely as it always had, or that his position would remain secure. Debbie had never worked outside of her home, but the kids were growing up and moving out. She wanted to contribute and to be proactive. She began to dream.Continue reading

Ten Years of Growing in Love | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | Relationships health family business friends community culture work school life blogs blogging

Tired of “drama” on Facebook? Need some positive inspiration? Follow me on Facebook and I promise to add positivity to your day!

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On Friday, Shelly and I will be celebrating ten years of marriage.  On what is known as the “longest day of the year” because of the longest duration of daylight of the year, we will always remember the special day it was.  The weather was absolutely beautiful.  The temperature was in the mid 70s with a slight breeze and not a cloud in the sky.  It was a joyous day of celebration with many friends and family.

After ten years, we do look back with some sadness over the people who celebrated with us that day who are no longer with us.  We have the memory of them permanently preserved on our wedding video, but the melancholy that ensues from seeing them grabs at our hearts and leaves us yearning for yesteryear when we could enjoy sharing wonderful times together once again as we had always done.

But, with ten years having passed since that day, much joy and celebration has happened as well.  We look back at our family and friends, many who did not have any children and were just beginning lives as families, now richly blessed with young ones who have brought such new life and energy into everyone’s lives.  Shelly and I have enjoyed welcoming two wonderful young ladies into our lives in these ten years, and our only regret is that they weren’t around to celebrate our wedding day with us!

As I reflect on these past ten years of my life, so much has changed.  Ten years ago, I was still a student in chiropractic college, looking forward to my last year of school (finally), and with my sights set on working as a doctor in a clinical setting.  If I had a conversation with “ten-years-older Victor” back then, and he could tell me what I would have waiting for me, I can say I would have been enthralled, surprised, overjoyed, and super excited for what was in store.

If I could ask “ten-years-older Victor” how I would change, he would have told me, “Victor, you will experience so much growth in these next ten years.  You will hardly recognize who you are, but you will be happy with the results.”  And with a laugh, he would follow with, “Unfortunately, the growth will not come when it comes to your hair.”

After enjoying the humor that it seems only I appreciate, I would have shifted to a perplexed state, and I would have asked “ten-years-older Victor,” “How will I have grown?”

shelly and me

And he would say to me, “You will grow in love.  The love you have for your wife will grow exponentially.  Your love will continue to grow, day by day.  You both will face tremendous hardships.  You will be hanging on to your life together by a thread, but through it all you will pull together, work together, and find that your love in ten years will be stronger and deeper.

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You will learn a new love — a love you can’t possibly understand — when you see your daughters’ faces for the first time.  Yes, you will have two daughters, just like you’ve dreamed!  The feeling you get when you meet your girls for the first time and watch them grow into some fine young women is something you can’t know now, but you will.

You will learn self love.  You will learn to love yourself first.  You will learn a new level of self respect.

You will love God more.  You will grow spiritually and learn what a joy life provides you with each and every day.

You will love others more.  You will see others as brothers and sisters in this same wonderful world.

You will love your life more.  You will find tremendous fulfillment in helping others and connecting with people who need to hear your message.

If you’ve think you’ve faced hard times, Victor, you haven’t seen anything yet.  There are trials ahead.  You will be tested; you will be at the end of your rope.  You will question everything in your life, and you will sometimes find yourself full of self hatred.  But trust me, these hard times and tests will push you to grow into something larger, bigger, better, stronger, more compassionate, more empathic, more patient, and more loving.  It will take time.  It just takes time.”

Wow…What a ten years it’s been…But through it all, I’ve indeed learned to love more.  I’ve got a lot more to learn about love, but I like where I’m headed.

I can’t wait to hear from “ten-years-older Victor” to hear what’s in store for me this next decade.  In the meantime, I will enjoy the opportunity to reconnect with friends and family, and enjoy the love we have grown to enjoy these past ten years.

I Can’t Wait ’til I Am Seven | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | Relationships health family business friends community culture work school life blogs blogging

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“I can’t wait ’til I am seven!” ~Ava Schueller

Yesterday it was raining.  I had a whole day ahead of me, wide open, to spend with my four-year-old daughter, Ava.  When it’s relatively cool outside and rainy, some of the usual outdoor activities we do, like playing at the park, for example, were suddenly removed from the list of options we had.

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