I was coaching a married couple who were having trouble going through any sort of length of time without getting into an argument.  These weren’t any small arguments either — they would quickly turn into very heated and sometimes violent disagreements.  One of the ways that I got them to start to find a sort of middle ground was by helping them reconnect with their authentic selves.

You know and I know that at our very deepest core, we are not “bad” people, who seek out disagreements and yearn to argue with each other.  We don’t want to be violent in our words and actions, but sometimes we are.  We don’t want to be selfish and unforgiving, but there are times when it seems it happens so easily and effortlessly.  There are times when we know what we truly want to do and how we know we “should” conduct ourselves, yet knowing this, we do the opposite.

I’ve struggled with this many times myself.  Unfortunately for me, I sometimes lack patience and get frustrated very easily when things aren’t progressing quickly or as I had hoped they would.  I always joke that I inherited my “hot blood” from my mom, and that I am easily thrown into a bit of a temper at times.  I usually let my frustrations get the best of me, only to be filled with frustration with myself for not maintaining my composure.

We all do this — we all stray from our “highest” form of ourselves.  We do things that we aren’t proud of, and then we end up being filled with not-so-positive feelings afterward.  Some would call it regret, but I just care to keep it simple, and just say that it’s an emotion of frustration or sadness.  Besides, in my opinion, to operate from a position of regret is to pull one’s self down the road of guilt and shame, which can be harmful to one’s self (Maybe the topic of regret, guilt, and shame will be a future topic to cover on my blog).

So how do we get back “on track?”  How do we re-connect with that “authentic self” deep within ourselves?  One way I have found effective is to ask one simple question:

“What are my innermost values?”

From that question, you start on a journey of self-inquiry, and you find out what virtues define who you are and what you stand for.  When I asked this of my clients, they both responded with the same value, so I knew and they knew that deep down they both stood for the same thing and wanted the same thing, so it was just a matter of re-connecting with that value by being mindful of their words and actions.  They were asked by me if they could agree to speak only to each other using words that were aligned with their core values.  When they started doing this, the arguments between them decreased in number significantly.

So, what are your innermost values?  What does it look like when you speak and act in alignment with those values?  Usually our values speak of virtuous traits and characteristics, so if we can discover those innermost values within ourselves, we can easily define behaviors that are in line with those values.  The great thing is that if we follow those values we will likely be acting in a virtuous way, consistent with the “best” version of ourselves that we can.

My innermost values are love, respect, and, interestingly enough, authenticity.  I can easily explain to myself just how it would be to speak and act through these values.  I would speak to others in a respectful way and extend unconditional love and goodwill to others.  I would be authentic in my actions and words.  I would do my best to be the “same person” to everyone, no matter who they are.  I will make sure I treat everyone equally and fairly.  If I can speak and act in this way, I am certain that I would be very happy with who I am, and I would be very sure that I would be aligning with my authentic self!

Just by asking one simple question, and then, through self inquiry, answer it to the best of your ability, you can get a glimpse deep within you to discover just who you are.  Your authentic self will reveal itself to you, and you can then make the choice to act and speak in ways that align with who you really are.

I’d love to hear from you!  What are your innermost values?  What would it look like to speak and act through those values?  Let me know!

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/barunpatro

 

My radio show broadcast on Monday was my first of the year. I wanted something and someone who would start off the new year with a lot of energy and enthusiasm, so I invited none other than “the World’s #1 RADICAL True Self Facilitator” and author of one of my favorite books, The RADICAL Self Expert, Tiphanie Jamison Van Der Lugt, to join me for the show.

What totally caught me off guard was the suggestion of a topic to discuss, but I absolutely loved it, because I was so intrigued by it:

“Does fear really exist?”

As far as I was concerned, I just operated from a position of assuming that fear exists. After all, it is the emotion of fear that allows us to be in a position to protect ourselves, either by running away from or fight against the threat that caused the fear emotion.

However, Tiphanie contended that fear really doesn’t exist. What she believes is that fear is non-existent. Her theory is that instead of fear, there is either excitement or greater awareness.

Tiphanie said that we learn early on what fear is. For example, if a child is getting ready to do something and they start to experience emotions of excitement or butterflies in their stomach, the parent, trying to help the child cope with their feelings, may say something like, “Don’t be afraid.” However, when the parent says this to the child, as good as their intentions may be, the parent is now defining what was previously undefinable to the child. Before the word “afraid” entered the conversation, the child didn’t really have a word to describe that feeling of excitement that they are feeling.

“Fear and excitement are the same energy,” Tiphanie added. She introduced me to the quote from Fritz Pearls:

“Fear is excitement without the breath.” So true.

But, she didn’t stop there. She asked a great question: “Does fear really keep us from doing things?” She then gave the example of how it’s not really fear, but greater awareness that helps a mother lift a car off of her child or allows an eight-year-old child to deliver a baby. It’s not fear, rather it’s greater awareness. Tiphanie added, “We pull from our higher self and do tremendous things…We are stepping into the fullness of our greater being.”

I just love that!

So, thinking about practical application for myself, especially since I have young children, I thought of an instance where I actually applied this concept without even thinking. I recalled how when we were on a recent vacation my older daughter wanted to go on a roller coaster. I never mentioned “fear,” “scary,” or “afraid.” Rather, I kept telling her how much fun it was going to be. I told her the coaster would be fast, but I would be right there with her and it would be a lot of fun. It was!

My younger daughter is turning five in about a month, and she knows that she’s getting some shots during her doctor’s visit around her birthday. Applying this concept, whenever we discuss it, I’ll continue to reinforce to her how she will do just fine and that she has experienced worse. I can safely say this since she just got her ears pierced the other week and was in a bit of pain. Having gotten my ears pierced and sitting through an injection, I can safely say that piercing your ears is more painful. I’ll continue to remind her that she’s already been through a more painful process, so she should pull through the shots just fine.

What are your thoughts? Does fear really exist?

Can you think of a time in the past where “excitement” was defined for you as “fear?” Can you think of opportunities where you can instill excitement or confidence in someone instead of defining their feelings as “fear?”

Let me know your thoughts. I’d love to hear them.

If you’d like to hear my interview with Tiphanie, click here.

 

A couple of years ago there was major road construction taking place in the city in which I live.  They were completely re-doing some of the intersections and putting in roundabouts to improve the flow of traffic through the major traffic areas in town.  Because of the construction being done, there were some major detours and it caused a lot of extra time and inconvenience to make what were previously simple trips throughout the neighborhood.

I remember traveling past one of the “road closed” signs with my wife when we saw a car that had ignored the signs and tried to navigate through the construction.  Apparently they didn’t notice that a major section had been cut out of the concrete before driving their front tires into the hole which was several feet deep.  The car was upended, its back end up in the air, and going nowhere fast.

Sometimes, when we ignore the signs that are intended to prevent us from inconvenience, damage, or danger, we can end up just like that car, upended and going nowhere fast.

I’ve been around people, and maybe you’ve been too, who experience what seems like nothing but hard times.  It seems like they constantly battle negativity, face adversity, fall upon hard times, have bad luck, and can’t seem to have anything positive happen without something negative following close behind.

I’m no exception.  I’ve struggled through my own hard times, and I know you have too.  It took me much longer than I care to admit to realize that the reason why I faced so many hard times and struggles was because I ignored the warning signs.  I drove right past the “no not enter” signs of life.  I disregarded the “road closed” warnings.  I neglected to acknowledge the “detours” that were placed before me.  I paid the price.

If we choose to ignore the traffic signs when we are traveling in our vehicles, the journey we experience will be a direct reflection of our choices.  We should expect potential damage to our vehicles, delayed transit time, possible vehicle breakdowns, and rough terrain.  The journey will likely be unpleasant.

However, if we heed the warning signs and take the detours, unpleasant and inconvenient as they may be, we will experience a much safer, happier, and more successful journey in the end.  The degree to which the trip will be pleasant is in direct correlation with the choices we make along the way.

Similarly, the life journey that we experience day to day, week to week, and month to month, is in direct correlation with the choices we make along the way.  Our life experiences are a reflection of what is going on within us.  If we ignore the nudges from our heart and if we don’t follow our intuitive senses, we can end up making decisions that will lead us straight into some form of suffering and displeasure.

The great news is that we do have the ability each and every day to turn things around.  Just because we find ourselves on a rough and difficult journey because of our previous choices, it doesn’t mean that we are stuck on that same road forever.  We can always change the journey by changing our choices and by starting to look for the warning signs.  We always have the ability to quiet ourselves and listen to the internal “nudges” coming from our souls.

Take time to ask yourself how you feel about a certain situation.  Feel within your heart whether you get a “yes” or a “no.”  If you experience any discomfort or uncertainty, maybe that’s a “no” from within.  Sure, sometimes when we try something new or are considering making a change there is some resistance to change which causes anxiety.  I’m not talking about that type of feeling.  I’m talking about that “gut” feeling that something just isn’t right about a situation.

For example, I was considering working with a potential coaching client.  Every interaction I had with that person, whether it was through email or over the phone, left me feeling uneasy and just “not right.”  Eventually, I listened to my heart and felt the “nudge” to say “no” to this client, and the relationship ended right there.  If I were to have ignored the “nudge” and continued with this person, perhaps it would have led to suffering and less than wonderful experiences.

After you get the “yes” or “no” from your heart, then ask one simple question: “What do I want?”  After you determine what it is you want, then go for that.  Yes, it can be that easy!

For example, let’s say you are struggling in your relationship with your spouse.  You are having difficulty communicating with them.  Take time to ask yourself how you feel about the situation.  You may ask yourself, “Do I want to continue this marriage?”

Perhaps you’ll get a “yes” from your heart.  You know you want to be with them, despite your struggles.  You feel that there is a chance you can work through these difficulties.

Then, you can ask yourself, “What do I want?”  Perhaps you’ll come to the conclusion that you want better communication with your spouse, and then you can start to investigate what it is that you can do to improve the communication between you two, such as looking to hire a communication coach or see a relationship expert or marriage counselor or another similar professional.

If this process seems fairly intuitive, to the point where you find yourself saying that it’s common sense, you’re right!  This is an intuitive process, because you’re using your intuitive gifts to help you navigate through your life choices.  Sometimes, however, the choices are more difficult, such as when you find yourself working a job you don’t enjoy, but you still need the financial benefits of staying in that job.  The “yes” or “no” from within may be a bit harder to hear.  However, if you find that this job brings little more than stress, suffering, hard times, bad luck, and negativity, perhaps those are those “warning signs” that are trying to tell you that maybe the path you’re on is not the path for you.

This simple two step process of asking your soul “yes” or “no,” and then asking what it is that you do want can help you navigate through those tough decisions in life.  It can also help you get to the bottom of any current situation that is causing your life to be less than wonderful.

It’s never too late to read the “warning signs” of life and make different choices and smooth out life’s journey.  Sometimes all you need is to plug into that “internal GPS” found deep within you to help you navigate through the difficult aspects of the journey.  The tools are within you to turn any unpleasant aspect of your trip into a more pleasant one.  Just take the time to use introspection and ask the simple questions.  Then, all you need to do is listen!  A wonderful journey awaits!

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/valike

 

The end of 2013 is fast approaching.  Two things always amaze me at the end of the year:

1. The year went so quickly and so much has happened.  I can’t believe what transpired this year!
2. So much has changed within me over the past year.  I can’t believe how much I have changed!

Part of the personal development I enjoy each year comes from the spectacular wisdom from an all-star list of personal development experts, coaches, bloggers, and just plain wonderful people in so many ways.  Best of all, I can call them my “friends” from across the web and the globe.  I was honored when they obliged to share with me what they felt were their top blog posts from this past year, so that I could share them with you, all at one place!

If one of these articles inspires you, I invite you to check out the author’s website and follow their work!

I wish you a safe and healthy end to the year, and I wish you a 2014 filled with much happiness, health, success, and prosperity!  Happy new year!  Enjoy this “best of 2013” collection of wisdom and inspiration!

Sandi Amorim of www.DevaCoaching.com

8 Truths to Getting Unstuck and Reclaiming Your Freedom

About Sandi:  I am an instigator, and champion for freedom; a coach and writer committed to liberating you from limiting beliefs and “someday thinking.” Our work together is an excavation of what’s stopped you, followed by the experience of freedom – like deep tissue massage for your spirit.

Angela Artemis of www.PoweredByIntuition.com

Intuitive Guidance – 8 Tips to Help You Get Through a Crisis of the Soul

About Angela: I’m here to teach you to develop and follow your intuition so you can stop hiding from life, follow your inner voice, and become inspired and motivated to follow your biggest dreams so you too can say, “MY LIFE IS AWESOME!”

Dani DiPirro of www.PositivelyPresent.com

Being Barkley: 17 Life Lessons from a New Pup

About Dani and Positively Present: Living a “positively present” life means in the moment while focusing on the positive in every situation— and that’s exactly what Positively Present strives to help you do. Though many of us try to, it’s impossible to live happily in the past or in the future. And if the now is all we have, why not make this moment a positive experience? Posts on Positively Present strive to support the idea that life is best lived if it’s lived right now with a positive attitude. Be positive. Be present. This is your life.

Melody Fletcher of www.DeliberateReceiving.com

Are You In Control Of The Matrix Or At The Mercy Of It?

About Melody: Well Hey there! I’m Melody Fletcher, and I’m here to change your life by reminding you that you are WAY more powerful than you’ve been led to believe and that you do, indeed, create (and receive!) your own reality. Basically, pretty much everything you’ve been taught about how the world works is Bullshit, and I’m not afraid to say so.

Zeenat Merchant-Syal of PositiveProvocations.com

9 ways to Shine a brilliant blaze and really LIVE

About Zeenat and Positive Provocations: I strive for a happier, more loving & positive world in me and around me. On this blog I share my heart, my soul & all that I know to help YOU heal completely. *Positive Provocations* is a Self-Improvement, Self-Empowering & Self-Healing Blog. I hope the articles here motivate and inspire you to be the best and happiest you. By Passion&Profession I’m a practicing Counseling Psychologist/ Spiritual Counselor/Motivational Speaker/Naturopath/Holistic Healer/Writer.

Otiti Jasmine of OtitiJasmine.com

6 Months After I Chose to Live

About Otiti: I’m a visionary strategist, heart hugger, and huge love advocate. I believe in living on your edge and acting on the desires bubbling deep in your heart. I champion bolder self-expression and setting your soul on fire.  I teach women how to embrace bolder self-expression because I believe more of us need to know how to speak up for ourselves. We’re not taught to constantly voice our opinions, because what if we’re called: bitchy, confrontational, bossy, a know-it-all, and so forth? We aren’t taught to own our power and stand firm in our principles + beliefs because we don’t even trust our inner voices and intuition.

Anne-Sophie Reinhardt of www.annesophie.us

A Farewell to NYC (for now)

About Anne-Sophie: I’m a twenty-something German girl pursuing her dream of living in NYC.  For the longest time, I was caught in a circle of self-doubt and self-loathing. Now, I’m free, confident and happy with myself and my body.  My mission is to help you achieve the same.

Elle Sommer of ReflectingALife.com

12 Simple Suggestions For Living An Extraordinary Life

About Elle: Whether you want greater prosperity, love or spiritual development, there’s something here for you to help transform the life you have into the life you truly desire. My mission for this site is to enhance your world in more ways than you could imagine. To show you how gifted you already are, how talented you truly are and share with you tools and ideas that you can easily use right here and now to live the life you dream of.

Fran Sorin of FranSorin.com

How To Boost Creativity With A Morning Routine

About Fran: In addition to being a recognized garden expert and deep ecologist, I am a broadcaster, journalist, Ordained Interfaith Minister, and Soul Tender. All of my work — whether I am writing, designing a garden, or guiding someone to a broader understanding of their potential through my soul tending practice – is based on my deep belief that our need to connect to the earth is an inherent trait – and that by doing so, we heal and experience more joy in our lives.

David Stevens of www.DavidStevensLifeCoach.com.au

7 Killer Mindsets for thriving in your Mid Life

About David: After surviving my 40′s, breaking free of my own mediocrity, learning new skills and re- discovering older ones, my passion to help others achieve the same has exploded. I am excited by the prospect of motivating & assisting you to realise your dreams & achieve the goals that you aspire to. It will be an honour to do so.

Jessica Sweet of WishingWellCoach.com

What I Hate About Living Your Dreams

About Jessica: Don’t like your job? I help frustrated employees figure out what they really want to do and escape the world of the working dead. The best part? You can do what you love even if you have real life responsibilities like a mortgage and kids. In fact, I’ll help you discover your dreams right from your suburban living room.

Vidya Sury of VidyaSury.com

Self Love: Did You Hug Yourself Today?

About Vidya: I am a shutterbug and enjoy sharing my photography. I enjoy  the little things in life. While I am not about statistics and numbers, I certainly care about writing well for you, dear Reader, and I am constantly amazed at my lovely community that helps me grow. I know for a fact that my writing has improved over the years. I am honored that you take the time to read and comment and share your thoughts. It makes my heart sing when you comment and tell me how much you liked a post or a picture. My goal is to make a positive difference in your life.

Hiten Vyas of HitenVyas.com

How Being an Introvert Can Help You to Lead

About Hiten:  Hiten Vyas is a Life Coach.  Early on in his life he has experienced extreme amounts of fear and anxiety because of difficulties due to stammering, which pretty much crippled all aspects of his life. He entered the personal development field in 2003, and since then has changed himself into a successful individual. It is his passion to help you overcome your own difficulties, and assist you in living the life you want and deserve. He has a PhD in Biomedical Information Systems, is a Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), trained by Dr. Bobby Bodenhamer in the United States, and is an Associate Member of the Association of Coaching.

And mine:

How Can I Gain More Control over My Happiness?

 

Thanks so much for reading!  Have a happy new year!

 

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/ba1969