I really enjoying learning about the customs and traditions of the Native Americans.  As long as I can remember, the history and culture of these great people has fascinated me.  A few months ago I happened upon a website, which shared what they called the “Native American Code of Ethics.”  After reading through this code, I thought it was absolutely beautiful, and I wanted to share it with you, so that you can learn of it, be blessed to have come across, it and benefit from it as I have.

I can’t help but think that if we all lived up to this code of ethics this world would be a better place, and we would have much more enjoyable lives.

Apparently there are many “codes” out there.  If you do a simple search of “Native American Code of Ethics” you’ll find different varieties of codes of ethics, but they are in many ways very similar to each other.  This particular code that I will share with you comes from the website nativevillage.org, and they are sharing the code that originally appeared in a publication called the “Inner-Tribal Times” in October of 1994.

How well do you measure up to this “Code of Ethics?”

1. Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often. The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.

2. Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path. Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.

3. Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.

4. Treat the guests in your home with much consideration. Serve them the best food, give them the best bed and treat them with respect and honor.

5. Do not take what is not yours whether from a person, a community, the wilderness or from a culture. It was not earned nor given. It is not yours.

6. Respect all things that are placed upon this earth – whether it be people or plant.

7. Honor other people’s thoughts, wishes and words. Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them. Allow each person the right to personal expression.

8. Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative energy that you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you.

9. All persons make mistakes. And all mistakes can be forgiven.

10. Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit. Practice optimism.

11. Nature is not FOR us, it is a PART of us. They are part of your worldly family.

12. Children are the seeds of our future. Plant love in their hearts and water them with wisdom and life’s lessons. When they are grown, give them space to grow.

13. Avoid hurting the hearts of others. The poison of your pain will return to you.

14. Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the test of one’s will within this universe.

15. Keep yourself balanced. Your Mental self, Spiritual self, Emotional self, and Physical self – all need to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out the body to strengthen the mind. Grow rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.

16. Make conscious decisions as to who you will be and how you will react. Be responsible for your own actions.

17. Respect the privacy and personal space of others. Do not touch the personal property of others – especially sacred and religious objects. This is forbidden.

18. Be true to yourself first. You cannot nurture and help others if you cannot nurture and help yourself first.

19. Respect others religious beliefs. Do not force your belief on others.

20. Share your good fortune with others. Participate in charity.

I especially enjoyed numbers three, twelve, and fifteen.  There are also some on this list that are a struggle for me to live up to.

How about you?  Are there any that resonate with you?  How about those which are challenges?  If you’d like to share, please leave your comments below!

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/red11group/4758464068

I recall a conversation I had with a client who was struggling with her self-confidence and feelings of self-worth.  As I asked questions about how she felt about herself, she regularly put herself down and confirmed to herself and me that she wasn’t good at certain things, and detailed how she struggled with different aspects of her life.

Finally, after letting this conversation go on for some time, I pointed out that she wasn’t speaking about herself in a very flattering manner, and I asked her one simple question:

“Would you talk to your best friend the same way you’re talking to yourself?”

She paused and thought about it.  Finally she broke the silence with a rather sheepish response of “No.”

So, I ask you — would you talk to your best friend the same way that you talk to yourself?

Do you tell yourself how you’re a loser, or that you’re not good enough, or that you don’t have talents in certain areas?

And, if you do, why?  What do you get out of putting yourself down?  And, why are you so critical of yourself in the first place?

Instead of spending so much time in a “judgment” zone, why not try spending more time in a “reflection and analysis” zone?

Try asking more questions of yourself — questions that don’t have solid answers.

Some great questions to try would be as follows:

“Why do I believe I need to change who or how I am?”

“Who is this change important to?”

“Why do I believe I need to be critical of myself?”

“What do I get out of being critical?”

“How would my life change if I would change this about myself?”

These are just starters, but they are intended to help you get going on asking yourself questions for which only you can answer.

Through my own self-inquiry and reflection, I’ve realized that sometimes the only reason why I felt that changes were necessary were because of things that other people had told me, or because I was attached to some sort of outcome or desired something that was more material than anything else.  Once I let go of being attached to it, I realized that there really was no change that was necessary.  Or, I determined that there was nothing I could do about it, and it wasn’t worth getting upset about it in the first place.

I’ve determined that if I spend less time judging myself, and more time simply getting to know who I am and accepting myself for who I am, I am much more relaxed and at peace with myself.  Instead of thinking thoughts that are critical and that put me down, I think about who I am and what it means to be me.

Is it possible that there are things, after self-analysis, that you still don’t like about yourself, and that you do want to change?  Absolutely.

At that time, then perhaps you can ask yourself why it is that you want to change those things.  A great place to start is to look at your own set of personal values.  Is this thing you wish to change in violation or at an incongruence with your main set of personal values?  And, if so, what can you do to move things to better alignment?

Instead of taking time to be critical of yourself, why not spend the time to get to know yourself better?  How can you speak to yourself in a more kind way, and how can you help yourself through self-reflection to better help you determine the best next step in your own development and growth?

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/debord/4932655275

Thoughts are powerful.  Without the power of thinking, we would not progress as a society.  We would lack innovation and creativity.  We would not enjoy the advent of new technology and the benefits of such.  However, sometimes “thinking” can get us into trouble.  But the reason why may not be the reason you “think.”

The reason is that, tragically, in my opinion, many people believe “thoughts” to be things that really aren’t at all proper thoughts.  To demonstrate, I’ll provide two different examples of “thoughts” to allow you to distinguish between the two:

Example 1: “I think that the most efficient way to communicate with others is to enter their information into a mailing list database, whereas I can send them all communication at one time with the click of a button.”

Example 2: “I think that she is trying to be efficient because she is sending me communication through a mailing list database.”

So, which “thought,” of the two given examples above,  is a proper thought?

If you picked the first example, then you and I are in agreement.  And here’s why — The first “thought” is a reflection; it’s an observation.  It’s a reflection of our reflections.  It’s internal.  It may be the result of deliberation and experiences and the sum of many different experiences that lead to the formulation of an idea about something.  That is what I would deem a “proper” thought.

The reason why I do not agree that the second example is a proper “thought” is because the use of the term “think” in that second example is not a reflection or an observation, even though it may appear to be such.  In my opinion, the term “think” is rather an interpretation, or judgment, or analysis of another’s behavior.

Just because you “think” she is trying to be more efficient, you only have the facts available at your disposal, which is that you are receiving email from her through a mailing list.  The rationale behind the observable act is anyone’s guess, with exception to the person who is sending emails through that database.

Now, if you were to ask her person why she is sending emails through the mailing list, and she tells you that she is doing it because she wishes to be more efficient, then you have your answer.  But until you know the facts of the situation, all you have is speculation, conjecture, opinion, judgment, analysis, guesswork, hunches, hypotheses, stabs in the dark, and supposition.

This brings me to the point I am trying to bring across to you today: I advise you to be cautious about what you “think” are “thoughts” that really aren’t proper thoughts at all, because they can end up causing more problems than you’d prefer.  Or, perhaps you’ve already been using them and are trying to figure out why you’re suffering and things aren’t quite as wonderful as you’d like.

Either way, I recommend you give some time to reflect upon what is really a “thought” before you start telling people what you “think.”  Unfortunately, in my opinion, we’ve been conditioned to freely interchange one type of “thought” with the other type of “thought.”  When we tell people we’re “thinking,” what we’re really telling them is how we are interpreting the actions of others.

How can you tell which is which?  Here’s a very easy way to discern between the two — ask yourself what comes after the word “think.”

If the word “he,” “she,” “they,” or “you” follows the word “think,” chances are it’s an interpretation, diagnosis, judgment, and speculation.  This will likely land you in the land of debate and argument and discord.

For example, if you say to someone, “I think that you are being unreasonable,” what do you think your chances are of the other person saying (sincerely), “You’re right.  I’m being completely unreasonable!  Wow.  Boy, did I make a mistake.  My apologies!”  I’ll put it this way: don’t hold your breath waiting for that type of sincere response.

The reason why you won’t get that type of response is because you interpreted and diagnosed the motives behind the observable act that took place.  Before you jump into saying “you’re being unreasonable,” back up and figure out what “unreasonable” looks like.  What actually happened that led to your diagnosis of such?  That’s where the conversation needs to start, in my opinion.

So, what are you thinking?  Are you disguising judgment and diagnosis as a thought?  Or, are you truly and authentically reflecting and contemplating internally?  Take some time to properly “think” about it, and take some more time to “think” before you tell other people what you “think,” and I “think” you’ll be in a much better place as a result.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/seatbelt67/502255276

I don’t know about you, but it occurs often while I am reading a book that the author makes a reference to another author or book that inspired them.  I immediately stop reading the book and go searching for that author or that book to check it out.  It’s hard to finish a book that way, when you keep interrupting your reading because you’re going off on a scavenger hunt for more books to read!

Nevertheless, on one of my excursions I came across the writings of Florence Scovel Shinn.  She was born in the 1870s, and she died in 1940.  Behind her she left some absolute gems of writing, one of them, published in 1925, titled The Game of Life and How to Play It.  It is described as down to earth and filled with anecdotes, covering topics that include prosperity, healing, forgiveness, faith, and Divine Design.

The book is an easy read, and it teaches some valuable lessons through many stories and examples.  One of the ideas that I really took to was the idea of essentially “blessing your misfortunes.”  Instead of being angry or fearful about what happened, what may happen, or what is happening, Shinn recommends changing the way you view your circumstances.

Why would you do this?  She explains it this way: “We must substitute faith for fear, for fear is only inverted faith; it is faith in evil instead of good.  The object of the game of life is to see clearly one’s good and to obliterate all mental pictures of evil.  This must be done by impressing the subconscious mind with a realization of good.”

In other words, if you seek all the reasons why you are justified to be suffering from the unfortunate situation, if you affirm that unfortunate things seem to always happen to you, or if you are convinced that people have it in for you and are plotting against you or have evil intentions, you are giving into fear.  You are exhibiting “faith in evil,” instead of having faith in the good in you and the good in everyone and everything around you.

It’s only natural when things go wrong that we brood over it and curse and sit in that place of frustration, anger, and resentment.  The problem with letting this go on is that our mental dialogue starts to take over, and we begin to think about perhaps the other person that’s involved.  We start to think about how they may have done something intentional to us or had ill intentions.

Our mental dialogue may start to chime in about how bad things always happen to us but don’t seem to happen to other people.  We may get more frustrated as we start to compile a list of our misfortunes and start comparing it to those around us, especially those who have a shorter list.

But what does all this do?  It creates a resonance of negative energy within.  It activates the stress centers of our brains, thrusting us into a stress response.  We begin to shut down the thinking parts of our brains, and we crumble to fear and negativity.

By blessing your misfortunes, thanking them for the lesson they taught, and by blessing others who are involved and seeking the good in them, affirming your faith in the good in them, you will begin to have faith in yourself.  You’ll start to activate the loving, compassionate parts of your brain, and you’ll begin to think loving thoughts and bring to mind memories of pleasant experiences and examples of times when things did go well for you.

In short, if you curse your misfortunes, you’ll begin to see misfortune in your world.  If you bless your misfortunes, you’ll begin to see blessings in your world.  Your world becomes a reflection of your thoughts and active concentration.  Concentrate on the good.  BE the good in the situation.  By being, you will shape your environment. By being, you will influence those around you. By being, you will have the power to create your own circumstances and attitude about them.

Begin with blessings, and blessings will follow.  Begin by expressing your faith in the good, and the good will come as a result. When you start counting your blessings, even in your misfortunes, you’ll quickly see that more good will come out of it as a result.

Photo: http://www.freeimages.com/profile/cjn

Before you do anything else, open up a new window or tab on your web browser and go do a Google search for the following: “How can I be happy?”

When I did it, I got about 615 million results.  I know how Google searches work, and not all 615 million hits will be entirely relevant, but it’s pretty clear looking at the first few results that there are a lot of people who have advice on how to be happy.  There are a lot of people who are looking to be happy too!

So I am openly wondering: If there are so many people seeking happiness, are those resources and references really helping?  Or, are people trying some of these, discovering that some work or don’t work, and then slipping back into “unhappiness” once again?  I mean, if there was a way to find happiness, wouldn’t we have figured it out by now, and wouldn’t we have shared it many times over and passed this from generation to generation so that we can all find happiness and keep the happiness going?

Or is it possible that happiness is not the tippy top?  Is it possible that there is yet a higher “thing” we need to pursue?  Is it possible that we may find happiness, but is it not also possible that happiness only gets us to the middle point of the mountain?

As I’ve been reflecting and meditating on this idea, I’ve come to the conclusion that there just has to be more.  There has to be a higher level of experience that we can all experience than happiness.  And, if we can work to pursue and eventually arrive at that higher level we may find what it is that we’re really looking for that we’ve thought was happiness all this time.

Is it through pursuit of something larger than one’s self?  Is it passion?  Is it developing a life full of meaning?  All are suggested avenues of achieving greater ideals than happiness itself if you take a gander out there and search for something “better” than pursuing happiness.

Maybe happiness is a form of “avoidism.”  Perhaps the pursuit of happiness and pleasure an indication of one’s attachment to them.  Is pursuing “non-attachment” to pleasure what it takes?  The Buddhist tradition suggests that suffering results from “attachments.”  I’ve been actively integrating these principles into my daily living.  I know that I feel better about life in general, but is that the “tippy top?”

I guess all I can say is that I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever the mountain is that we are all trying to reach the top of is an enormous mountain.  It’s huge.  There are a bunch of people struggling to just started on it, and there are people who are climbing higher, but the higher one climbs the fewer the other people at that elevation.  I’ve also come to the conclusion that while one like myself may have a lot of ideas and answers, it’s not about giving others the ideas and answers that I’ve found for myself.  It’s more about helping other people learn how to ask themselves their own questions to prompt their own personal discovery that lies within them.

Is happiness all there is?  I don’t think so.  And, I don’t think that we are wise to live a life in the pursuit of happiness, assuming that it’s the tippy top of the mountain, and that once we get there everything will be better.

I hope you didn’t come to this article, hoping that I would provide you with what it is that is “better” or “higher” than happiness, because I don’t have that for you today.  I don’t have a list of things that you can do or try to find more happiness or fulfillment.  If you’re looking for that, pick one of the 315 million hits that I helped you find earlier.

I wrote this with the hope that my questions will prompt your own inner questioning and discovery about yourself and what is important to you.  Is happiness where you wish to stop on the mountain, or do you believe that there is “more” to life than the pursuit of happiness?

I’d love to read what you’re thinking or what you’re reflecting upon as a result of reading this.  Please share in the comments below, and I promise to respond.

Photo copyright Steven Bratman. Images shared via creative commons license. Click here for link to image.

I’ve been enjoying my time over the past couple of weeks, making stops at some libraries local to me, to promote, share, and talk about my book, Rise Above Criticism, Negativity and Conflict.  It’s been a lot of fun diving back into that book, and pulling out some of the main concepts and sharing them with those who are in attendance.

During my talks, I talk about four “perspectives” that we can adopt when either dealing with our own feelings, or in dealing with the feelings of others.  To illustrate this I share a story about how I ended up needing a tow truck to drag me out of a soft shoulder at the side of the road in the early spring when I pulled over to the side to take a phone call.  I thought I was being safe and prudent, and ended up paying a pretty penny for a phone call!

After being caught in what some would be ready to call a “silly” situation, it would be natural for me to tell myself how “stupid” I was for doing such a foolish thing.  I could keep beating myself down about how I seem to “always” find myself doing “dumb” things like that.  It would be safe to say that many of us have found ourselves believing these thoughts to be true, or at least entertaining the possibility of such.

But, why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we find ourselves adopting one of the four “perspectives,” which is “It’s my fault.  I’m to blame?”  Why are we so quick to speak critically to ourselves about ourselves?

The reason why we have these conversations with ourselves is because society has conditioned us to accept punishment as a natural and acceptable way of life.  As soon as we started living in bigger “tribes” and civilizations, it became necessary for a select few people who were “in charge” to control a large group of people.  An effective way to do this was to establish rules, and if those rules were broken, that person was found guilty and then punished to serve as an example to others.

We’ve learned, as a society, to sensationalize punishment.  We’ve learned to accept the concept of good versus evil, and right versus wrong.  When someone is “bad” or “evil,” they deserve to be punished.  In the movies the “bad guy” gets either killed or has justice served as the climax of the movie.  We actually feel good about someone getting punished.  It even occurs in children’s shows and movies!

So here we are, telling ourselves how “bad” we are.  “I deserve to be punished,” we say to ourselves, as we let our guilt and shame get the best of us.  Then we start the cascade of self thoughts about how we aren’t worthy as our form of self-induced punishment.

This is utter nonsense, really.  Why do we have to do this?  Why can’t we just get past the whole “guilt-shame-punishment” game?

We can get past it, but we need to have an important conversation in order for that to happen.  We have to have a conversation with ourselves that goes a little something like this:

“I love you for who you are, as you are right now.  You are good enough as you are right now.  You are worthy as you are right now.  You are doing your absolute best with what you’ve got, as you are right now.”

In other words, go easy on yourself.  Cut yourself some slack.

Put it this way — would you talk to your friend the way you talk to yourself, telling your friend how “stupid” they are?  Or, would you tell them that you love them, they are good enough, they are worthy, and they are doing their best as they are right now?

I thought so.

So, in the future, before you start going down that road of guilt and shame and self-punishment, just try this:

Go over what happened.  Then, determine how you felt about what happened.  Think about how you’d rather feel.  Ask yourself what you need to do in order to feel the way you’d rather feel.  Do what you need to do to feel the way you want to the next time.

So, for me, I’ll just make sure that if I’m pulling over to make a phone call I find solid ground before I stop.  Then, I’ll feel better knowing that I don’t have to call a tow truck to come pull me out.

It’s so simple, isn’t it?  That’s why we just need to do it.  We just need to go easy on ourselves for a chance.  Give it a shot.

Did you find this helpful?  I’d love to hear your thoughts?  Please let me know in the comments below, and I promise to respond.

Photo copyright Ron Mader. Images shared via creative commons license. Click here for link to image.

“I can retract what I did not say, but I cannot retract what I already have said.” ~Solomon Ibn Gabirol

I just finished reading a delightful book titled Words That Hurt, Words That Heal: How To Choose Words Wisely And Well by Joseph Telushkin.  It was a relatively quick read, full of wonderful stories that really helped drive home the points being brought across.  It also included many great takeaways and things to ponder that I hadn’t really thought about or considered before reading the book.

One of the many major points of wisdom that I walked away with as a major takeaway came very early on in the book.  It was found in the chapter titled, “The Irrevocable Damage Inflicted by Gossip.”  In that chapter Telushkin talks about “three types of speech that people should decrease or eliminate.”  They are as follows:

1. Information and comments about others that are nondefamatory and true

2. Negative, though true, stories — information that lowers the esteem in which people about whom it is told

3. Lies and rumors — statements that are negative and false

Were you as surprised as I was with number one above?  Information and comments about others that are nondefamatory and true should be decreased?  Eliminated?

As a matter of fact, Telushkin even offers the question right up: “What possible reason could there be for discouraging people from exchanging such innocuous, even complimentary, information?”

That’s a great question, and I was curious to find out the rationale for adopting such a stance.  It turns out that there are about three reasons for doing so.  The first reason for shying away from nondefamatory and true statements is because, as Telushkin offers, “…the listener might not find the information so innocuous.  While one person is describing how wonderful the party was, the other might well wonder, ‘Why wasn’t I invited?  I had them over to my house just a month ago.'”

The second reason for staying away from this practice is because “gossip rarely remains so.”  Most of the human population is more likely to focus on “critical evaluations” rather than “exchanging accolades.”  The truth is that most people, left to their own devices, will focus on the one thing they don’t like about a person when there are many other characteristics and qualities about that same person that are admirable and honorable.

Finally, the third reason we would be best served to decrease or eliminate nondefamatory and true statements about others is found in the Book of Proverbs: “He who blesses his neighbor in a loud voice in the morning, it will later be thought a curse” (27:14).  Telushkin explains in more understandable and relatable terms: “if a person comes to public notice even as a result of a neighbor’s ‘blessing’ (a positive association), the intense scrutiny engendered by his newfound fame ultimately will probably damage his good name — or worse.”

Telushkin makes a compelling argument as to why it may be in our best interest to stay away from these true, but nondefamatory statements.  I can certainly relate to all three of the points he had mentioned, both on the giving and receiving end!  I must admit, however, that it does seem counterintuitive and seemingly more harmful to refrain from doing so.  Then, I am left to wonder: is it simply social conditioning?  Are we “programmed,” so to speak, to offer compliments and positive statements about others as a social nicety? But then again, even as we do this, and speak kindly of others, are we actually harming those of which we speak?  At the very least, it gave me pause for thought.

What are your thoughts?  Do you believe it is better to compliment and speak kindly of others, or have you experienced, either on the giving or receiving end, that to do so causes more harm than good?  I’d love to hear what you have to say.  Please leave a comment below and I promise to respond.

Photo copyright Ethan Lofton. Images shared via creative commons license. Click here for link to image.