Finding Peace by Avoiding the “Terrible Toos” | VictorSchueller.com

We spend a lot of time and energy judging and analyzing what we see around us.  Part of that comes from our body’s desire to make sure that we “size up” the scene to make sure things are safe, but as many things go that we’ve picked up from our caveman ancestors, much of what we engage in these days has little to do with safety and survival.

Instead, we have more time on our hands, coupled with fewer bodily threats, so we spend our time making judgments about what we see other people doing.  Here’s the funny thing about it all:  Number one, we can’t really do anything about what other people do, and number two, even knowing this, we still spend so much time talking with other people about what other people do as if it’s going to make a difference!

When we spend our time thinking about how “wrong” other people’s actions and behaviors are, it doesn’t do anything productive.  We just expend a significant amount of time and energy in something that is so frivolous and useless all at the same time.  When we purport others to be “wrong,” then we also have to in some way convince others (and sometimes reassure ourselves) how we are indeed right.

One of the ways that we so surreptitiously slide judgmental thoughts into our conversations is by utilizing what I call the “terrible toos.”  Here are a couple of examples of uses of the “terrible toos:”

• “He’s too short.”
• “That’s way too loud.”
• “She spends too much time on her phone.”
• “People take things way too seriously.”
• “He talks too much.”

All of the above examples illustrate the serious flaw in the utilization of the “terrible toos” — By using the “terrible toos,” there is an assumption that there is a “just right” amount of something.

So, let me ask you…How tall is “just the right amount of height?”  How loud would be “not too loud,” but the perfect amount of “loudness?”  How much time is “just the right amount of time to spend on the phone?”  Just how much “seriousness” is a person supposed to inject into “things?”  And, just how much talking is “just the right amount” of talking?

Do you see?  It’s all based on judgment.  And, it’s just a load of crap!  There is no “magic” or “perfect” amount.  It’s simply our opinion, but it comes across as if we know better.

Now, in the event that you don’t really intend to communicate that someone is doing something “wrong,” and that you’re “right,” there is an easy way to eliminate the use of the “terrible toos.”  All you have to do is state the facts or your preference.  Let’s look at the “terrible too” phrases above, now written (or spoken) by avoiding use of the “terrible toos:”

• “He’s shorter than many people his age.”
• “That’s louder than I would prefer.”
• “She spends more time on her phone than I would prefer.”
• “I would like it if he were to try to have a little more fun with this activity.”
• “He talks more than I would prefer.”

By rephrasing these statements, now you are more accurately communicating what it is that you’re really trying to say, which is essentially, “The way you’re going about it is not necessarily how I would prefer going about it.”  But, at least now you’re saying what you mean, instead of allowing for a potential defensive reaction from the other person, because they have a different preference as far as how to go about things.

Yes, there are times when it’s perfectly fine to use the word “too,” because it’s not a judgment.  For example, if a recipe calls for one cup of flour, and you pour in two cups, it would be accurate to say that you used “too much flour.”  If it’s entirely measurable, and someone uses more or less than what is called for, of course you can use the word “too” and you wouldn’t be judging.  What I am speaking to is when the subject or observation is clearly subjective, yet we are trying to determine a “magic” or “perfect” am0unt of something.

When we avoid using the “terrible toos,” we’ll find more peace with others, because we’re not judging them, thereby avoiding a defensive response, and we’ll find more peace with ourselves, because we are free to share our opinions and preferences without claiming to be “right” and pointing out how others are “wrong.”  Give it a try, and you’ll see how liberating it can be to make that simple omission of the “terrible toos” from your conversations!

Did you find this to be helpful?  Do you know of times when you have caught yourself using the “terrible toos?”  How do you think things can change for you by avoiding them?  Scroll down and leave your thoughts!  I’d love to hear from you!

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