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I used to be a real “jerk.” Seriously. I can’t go back and change the past, which sometimes makes looking back at how I used to conduct myself even more difficult and frustrating.
I used to say horribly rude things to people — to their faces — and laugh about it. I used to tease and poke fun at people and enjoy it. I used to have fun at the expense of other people. I said things that were hurtful and I used to find pleasure in other people’s pain.
I am at a much better place now. I can’t say that I’m perfect! I still have my moments, but I can definitely live better with who I am now than who I used to be. I’ve been thinking about what life was for me back then and why I acted the way I did, and I wanted to share some “confessions” I have as a recovering “jerk.”
I think the reason why this was the case was because I wasn’t contributing any positive energy toward anyone. Negative energy is negative energy, and when you’re dishing it out, nothing positive is really coming back to you. No wonder I didn’t feel good about myself or anything else! I was not helping myself get any positive wishes or energy from anywhere or anyone.
This is in many ways related to confession number one above. My life was a reflection of my inside. I didn’t have much joy or happiness, and if they came my way it was only for a short duration. I wasn’t resonating with positivity or happiness, that’s for sure. I was giving energy to everything I didn’t want, focusing on what was bad in life rather than putting my efforts into what I would actually like to see out of my life. Struggle and resistance were no strangers to me during this time in my life.
Yes, I had something to hide, and that was my pain. To try to cover up the pain that I was enduring internally, I figured I could create a lot of noise externally to take attention away from me. I was suffering, and I was in a lot of emotional pain, but you never would have guessed it because I was brash, cocky, sarcastic, and obnoxious. Yeah, I thought I was pretty funny, but the people who were the butt of my jokes probably thought I was just slapped me with the label of being a jerk. They were right. And I was just trying to hide from my pain.
I was afraid of a lot of things. I was afraid of change. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid that life wouldn’t get any better. I was afraid to take chances and I was afraid of being an outcast. My strategy for dealing with my fears was to give in to my ego. I let my self interests and my selfish thinking take over. I made sure that I squashed any potential threats to my security and safety. I would get verbally aggressive with other people. I would raise my voice and complain publicly. I would shout and scream sometimes to get my point across. The bottom line is that I was afraid and selfish all at the same time.
When you take confessions one through four and put them all together, it’s absolutely true that life wasn’t much fun at all. It was full of empty happiness and one disappointment after another. I was fearful and obnoxious, and I wasn’t an enjoyable person to be around. I’m quite surprised that anyone cared to hang around with me and all of my negative energy at all! Life wasn’t grand and life was certainly not wonderful at all. Not in the least.
So what happened to turn things around for me? To be honest, it was an inside-out process. I had to come to the realization that I couldn’t continue to live the way I was living. It was as if something deep down within me knew that this person I had become was not my true self. Deep down, I stood for something else, and there was a small flickering flame within that represented what I really stood for.
I started to throw some kindling on that small flame and it started to grow from within. That fire grew stronger and greater as time went on, and I was able to recognize my core beliefs and values as they started to come to the surface. My compassion for others grew and I became more empathetic and in tune with myself and others. Most of all, I realized that my happiness doesn’t come as a result of depriving others of happiness. My happiness is in direct correlation with the amount of happiness I try to bring to others.
So here I am, still imperfect in many ways, and still a work in progress. As much as that may be true, at least I am happy with where I am right now, and I’m thrilled about where I am going.
If you’re struggling to find who you really are and if you’re searching for a better life, I hope that you can look within and find that part of you, deep inside, that will speak up and tell you who you really are and what you stand for. It definitely helps to meditate and find peace within yourself and listen for that “inner voice” which will tell you what you need to hear. I wish you the best as you continue your work to be someone you can be proud to look at in the mirror!
Are there any other recovering “jerks” out there? Does this article resonate with you? Do you have anything to add or comment upon? I’d love to hear from you!
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I wasn’t all that great myself. I definitely was not perfect. Not even now, despite having done a fair amount of inner work. Still I think it is wonderful that we acknowledge how far we have come. I sure won’t want to be the same person that I was. Thanks for sharing your story, Victor. Also, much thanks for being the inspiring person that you are now!
Hello Evelyn,
It’s so true — we keep working as it’s a work in progress, but yes, we have come far, and we keep moving in a positive direction. Like you, I sure don’t want to be that person that I used to be! Thanks for sharing your reflections upon yourself, and thanks so much for coming by today. Your words are warmth to my heart. Take care!
Victor, It’s hard to believe this was you!!! I love that you share this because it helps me to understand the “jerks” I’ve encountered. They were just overwhelmed by fear and desperately trying to survive. Thanks for all you do today in helping us handle our energy positively.
Hello Martine,
It’s so wonderful to have you here. I like what you said — yes, maybe it can help us understand what’s going on with other people. Sometimes what we see on the outside is just a plea for help or something else, but it just comes across as something different. It’s so nice to see you here, and please come again any time. 🙂
Who is this person you write about Victor? What a transformation into the wonderful caring soul I know. Your honesty and courage in sharing this will go a long way to supporting others to come clean about why their life isn’t so great. Kudos to you my friend…you didn’t like the life you were living so you rose to the challenge and began to create a new one.
Knowing that life really is an inside job makes all the difference in our world. E-hugs Victor.
Hello Elle…Yes, it was me! It really is an inside job, and one that requires a lot of honesty and self reflection. Thank you so much for your words of kindness and encouragement. I still have my moments from time to time, but life is much better these days! Thanks so much for coming by.