How to Love Someone Who Criticizes You | VictorSchueller.com

When someone says, “You’re an idiot,” it’s hard to find love within you, isn’t it?

Want to know a secret?  Their statement says a lot more about them than it does about you.  And, no, I’m not suggesting that when they say you’re an idiot that they’re really the idiot, although in many ways it would feel a lot better, right?

The truth is that people have largely learned how to cope with what they lack by dishing out criticism and putting other people down.  I wish I could say it’s just human nature, but that really isn’t true.  There really is something else going on beneath the surface.

But, to actually find love in your heart for someone who criticizes you?  Sounds a little preposterous, doesn’t it?

It sure does, but it’s not impossible.  Actually, I’m going to go a step further and say that it’s actually more natural for you to find love in your heart than it is for you to find contempt for someone who criticizes you or puts you down.  And, I’m going to prove it to you before the end of this piece.

So here’s the truth behind what’s going on.  Like I said, the statement says a lot more about the other person than it does you.  In reality, the statements are a very pitiful (my interpretation) attempt to ask you for help.

Okay, what?  Just back up…Someone who tells me that I’m an idiot is asking for my help?  How so?

Here’s how so:

When people offer up criticism or put you down, they are doing it because it is the next step after coming to terms with their feelings.  They may be feeling angry, upset, embarrassed, frustrated, or any other negative emotion.  The emotion is stemming from something that they need but they’re not getting.

So, when someone says, “You’re an idiot,” they may really be saying, “I’m saying this because I feel embarrassed due to my need to be recognized as significant and important in the eyes of other people.  Could you please provide me with the recognition I desire?”

Yeah, I know that “You’re an idiot” sounds like light years from “Could you please provide me with the recognition I desire?” but both statements are getting at the same thing — this person seeks recognition.

So, the reason why people say the things they do is because they’re really asking one thing, and that is “please?”

I talk all about it in my book, if you care to check it out.

So, if we can shift our thinking from getting defensive because we’ve felt we’ve been attacked by the “You’re an idiot” statement to recognizing that the other person needs our help, we can significantly change our perception of the other person.

Instead of thinking that they have it in for us, we’ll start thinking about how we can help this person.

If a short elderly woman asks me to help her by grabbing a package off of the top shelf in the grocery store because she can’t reach it, am I going to take it personally and feel that she’s attacking me?  Of course not.  That’s not human nature.  I just hope she doesn’t ask me to help her by starting off saying, “Hey, you’re an idiot…Grab that item off the shelf, won’t you?”

But seriously, it’s not in our nature to get offended, defensive or feel we’re being attacked when someone asks us for a favor.

This is why when someone criticizes us or puts us down, while they’re really asking “please?” it really is not in our nature to get offended or defensive as a result.  We’ve just been conditioned to respond this way.  Our society has tainted us and gotten us to believe that it’s natural for us to respond the way we have become conditioned to do so.

So, I rest my case.  It’s not in our nature to get angry or defensive with others when we are asked to offer help from others.  As a matter of fact, we become more compassionate and loving when others ask us for a hand.  It feels good to help.

The next time someone dishes out a criticism or puts you down, just remember it’s their convoluted (my interpretation) way of asking “please.”  If you can remember that, and figure out what it is that they need that they’re not getting, and then respond by offering a way to help meet that need, you’ll find that you will be extending love from your heart to theirs.  You’ll actually love the person who criticizes you.  And, it will be authentic and natural the whole way.  Awesome, isn’t it?

I want to hear from you!  Does this make sense to you?  Do you see opportunity with someone you interact with on a regular basis to offer love instead of a defensive reaction?  Let me know!  Scroll down and leave your comments below!

I’ve been interviewed!

I’m usually the one who is conducting interviews, so it’s refreshing to be on the “other side of the microphone” and be interviewed!  This past Sunday I was a guest on Martine Joseph’s radio show, called “Thriving Minds,” and it was a ton of fun.

If you want to listen to a replay of the interview, you can access it by clicking HERE, or by clicking on Martine’s picture above.

Photo: http://www.freeimages.com/profile/theodore99