If you’re human, chances are you’ve dealt with your own internal feelings of guilt and shame.  Maybe you deal with them on a daily basis, and they leave you with a shaken self-confidence and remorse for things you did wrong and “should have” done differently.  What pisses me off to no end is that guilt and shame cause so much damage, and they can be totally eliminated if people would just stop allowing them to thrive within their minds.

In my book, Rise Above Criticism, Negativity, and Conflict, I talk about feelings of guilt and shame, and how they are actually a by-product of society’s acceptance of the concepts of violence and punishment.  It’s a chicken-versus-the-egg type of thing, because it could very well be that violence and punishment leads us to view the world through the lens of “right-wrong” and “good-bad” thinking, or it could also very well be that “right-wrong” and “good-bad” thinking leads us to view the world through the lens of violence and punishment.

Either way, it’s a vicious cycle that is man-made.  That’s right — guilt and shame are man made and unnatural as Velveeta Cheese.

So, how do we cut out these unnatural and damaging feelings of guilt and shame from our lives?

The solution is simple: You need to stop thinking you’re a bad person who needs to be punished.

Are there some people who commit tragic crimes against humanity?  Absolutely.  Are you one of them?  Probably not.  If you’re not engaged in committing egregious acts against your fellow man, just relax.  Go easy on yourself.  You’re not a “bad” person.  You probably just are hard on yourself and hold yourself to high standards.

Let me ask you: Why do you feel you need to be punished?  Why do you have feelings of regret?

If you really take time to think about it, it’s hard to come up with answers to those two questions, isn’t it?

The reason why guilt and shame arise is because we feel the appropriate response to our self evaluation is that we did something bad and we need to punish ourselves.  We find ourselves criticising ourselves and telling ourselves how stupid, horrible, and terrible we are for having done what we did.

We beat ourselves up because we know we can do better, but we didn’t, and we messed up.  We were wrong.  We were bad.  We don’t give ourselves a break.  We don’t move on.

Let me throw this out there for you for perspective — If you have a loved one, whether it be a family member or a child, who did something that turned out to be an honest, yet regrettable mistake, what would you do to them?  Would you continue to bring it up over and over again so they never forget about it?  Would you remind them about how stupid, horrible, and terrible they are for having done such a thing?  Would you continue to punish them for it and hold it against them well into the foreseeable future?  Of course you wouldn’t.  You would extend unconditional love to them.  You’d understand that we all make mistakes and we need not be punished for making them.

So, why don’t you extend unconditional love to yourself?  Why are you continuing to trash your internal reputation and be so hard on yourself?  Why aren’t you understanding of the mistakes we all make?

Stop giving in to the societal pressure of “right-wrong” and “good-bad” thinking.  It leads to the guilt-shame-punishment phenomenon that continues to perpetuate violence from our neighborhoods to the rest of the world.  The only reason why we feel guilt and shame is because we’ve been conditioned to do so.  We’ve been conditioned to look inward at our flaws and mistakes and punish ourselves with hurtful words and thoughts, resulting in those feelings of guilt and shame.

It’s time to put a stop to it.  Your time is now.

So how do we put an end to feelings of guilt and shame?  Here’s how:

1. Observe what happened.

2. Ask yourself what feelings are generated when you think about what happened.

3. Determine why you feel that way by asking yourself what it is that you would prefer to do in the future or what it is that you stand for (what are your values?).

4. Next time you’re in a similar situation, do what you would have preferred you would have done or act in alignment with what you stand for (your values).

5. Enjoy better feelings about the situation and move beyond guilt and shame.

The way this would play out would be like this:

1. When I was asked for my opinion of something, I said words which were negative and hurtful about others and witnessed visual cues of discomfort on the faces of those with whom I shared company.

2. I felt angry and frustrated with myself as a result.

3. I felt angry and frustrated because I want peace and harmony and good feelings amongst the people I associate with on a regular basis and I seek respect from others and to be held in high esteem.

4. So, the next time, when I am asked to share my opinion, I will only speak in positive terms to others.

Guilt and shame aren’t even real.  They are creations of a violent society which has bought into and endorsed right-wrong and good-bad thinking.  As long as we’re not amongst the ranks of those who commit terrible crimes against humanity, we just need to back off, have a little more self-compassion and self-love, and move forward with positive intentions to give ourselves another shot at getting it right.  More love, more understanding, and more compassion, coupled with less guilt and punishment will move us past those “icky” and uncomfortable feelings of guilt and shame that we just can’t seem to get past, and that just ruins our lives in the process.

More so, feelings of guilt and shame just pull us from who we really are, which is a loving, compassionate, understanding, and forgiving individual.  Guilt and shame are entities which rob us of our self love, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding.

Let me know your thoughts!  Do you struggle with guilt and shame?  Do you feel that by using the strategies above you can begin to move beyond guilt and shame?  I’d love to hear from you!  Scroll down and leave a comment!

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