“There’s no right or wrong when one chooses to be happy. It’s just a battle between one’s own happiness and the judgment of others.” ~Nishan Panwar

Have you ever been “should” on, or have you ever “should” on someone else?

It happened to my older daughter the other week, so it’s the most fresh example in my mind.  She came home from school and told me that some of her classmates were trying to convince her that she was “too small” for a second grader.

I told her that it simply was not true.  I asked her to query these classmates as to how tall a second grader “should” be.  I think the way I put it was, “Ask them to show you in a book how tall a second grader is supposed to be.”

Okay, it’s probably not the best approach, but hey, all you parents out there know you do the best you can with what you’ve got.  The bottom line is that I made my point to Brianna, and she got it.  We are surrounded by interpretations, assumptions, judgments, and diagnoses.  All are opinions, and none are facts.

If I listen to sports radio, which I love to do because I love my Green Bay Packers football, I endure shows with radio show personalities who offer up their judgments liberally.  I get it — it’s what gets good ratings and it’s what gets people to call in.  That doesn’t mean I have to like it.  I don’t watch much television, but I know judgments flow abound there too.

I can’t help but think the amount of energy a person consumes because they are formulating judgments and opinions about something.  Whenever we judge something or someone we have to come up with our own personal definition of “right” and “wrong,” and “good” and “bad,” and “proper” and “improper.”  After we formulate our definitions, we then have to spend a lot of time and effort in the act of communicating to others just how “wrong,” “bad,” and “improper” something is.  For what purpose?

It’s hard to “catch” ourselves being judgmental, because we’re surrounded by it.  From little on, we have been exposed to other people’s judgments of what is “right” and what is “good.”  Well-intentioned people try to offer up advice to others by saying things like, “Well, you should have done this…”

When we have been ridiculed and punished and shamed and teased because who we are or what we do is defined as “bad” or “wrong” or “weird,” it’s no wonder we start to accept the opinions of others as true.  It’s no wonder we start to develop feelings of shame and guilt when we don’t “fit” into the “normal” category.  It’s no wonder we ask what’s “wrong” with us.  It’s no wonder we vehemently defend our own judgments and opinions.

Being a judge has a price.  It costs energy.  It adds stress to our lives and the lives of others.  It leads to attachment.  It leads to resistance.  And, for what?  To point out to others that we are “right” and they are “wrong?”  According to whom?

I can’t say that I am perfect myself.  I struggle with this every day.  I struggle to keep from “piling on” when others offer their judgments.  I struggle to stay calm and just remind myself that people have opinions and that they are entitled to them.  I work hard to let go of my attachment to my own ideas of what is “good” and “right” for me.  It’s hard to do.

In case you are struggling with this yourself, I’ll share a list of things that I have done (and still work on) that have helped me really diminish the “judge” within myself:

• Stop “should”ing on other people.  Consider offering suggestions, and not a judgment.  Instead, replace the “should” with “could.”  I have found this to be huge in turning things around for me.
• Eliminate phrases that start with the word “too.”  When we say something is “too this,” or “too that,” we are saying that there is a “just right” amount of something.  This is simply not true.  This is another way of saying something is “wrong.”
• Let go of what is “right” and “wrong.” It’s just an interpretation and opinion.  I try to think of things as “preferences.”  If I were to ask you what your favorite color is, and you said, “red,” is red a “wrong” choice simply because I like blue?  Most people would think that’s absurd.  However, how often do we observe others’ preferences as “wrong” simply because we prefer something else?  We do it more often than we realize.
• Let go of the need to be “right.”  This one is very hard for me, and I confess it’s the toughest obstacle I face in my quest to diminish my internal judge.  It feels good to be “right.”  We want to be recognized as being “right.”  The problem is that my “right” may be someone else’s “wrong.”  If I don’t prefer to be told my “right” is someone’s “wrong,” then I probably need to be more mindful of instances where I am trying to convince someone else that I am “right.”
• Stick to the facts.  Only speak about observable behaviors.  If someone turns away from you, then say they turned away from you.  Don’t jump to conclusions and interpret the action, such as saying, “You were giving me the cold shoulder,” or, “You were ignoring me.”  The simple act of interpreting the action quantifies it as “wrong” in your eyes (otherwise, why would it be a problem for you?).

I’d like to hear your thoughts about this topic.  Can you think of ways to diminish judgmentalism?  Can you think of great examples of where they show up in our society and culture?  Do you have any stories of how you were impacted by the judgments of others?  Please share!