“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ~Fred Rogers

Have you ever said something to someone that went a little like this?

“That made me feel bad.”

“It hurts me when you do that.”

“That hurt my feelings.”

“I’m disappointed in you.”

“You are such a _____ (fill in the blank with your word of choice).”

“Sure, that’s right.  I can’t do anything right.” (said sarcastically)

“Go ahead, just blame me.  It’s my fault.” (said sarcastically)

If you’re saying yes to one or more of these, you’re not alone.  I’ve used these and many more many times throughout my lifetime.  Truth to be told, it actually feels kind of “normal” and “natural” to speak to others this way.  That’s because we’ve learned through our exposure to our environment that this is the “normal” and “natural” way to speak to others.  Unbeknownst to many, these words and phrases are actually violent forms of communication.

You may be asking why this is.  Quite frankly it’s because these types of phrases allow us to do one very significant thing, and that is to shift responsibility for our feelings on to someone else.  We are essentially holding others responsible for our feelings.  We are essentially communicating that it is because of someone else’s actions that we feel the way we feel.

So how can we eliminate the violence from our conversations?  It’s easy in concept, but if you have ever tried to change or if you try to change after reading this article, you’ll find that you have to think a lot and that you talk slowly at first.  With anything, the more you practice it the better and smoother it will get for you.

So here’s the concept: Don’t talk about what other people did (to you).  Talk about what happened.  Talk about facts.  Use observations that are not up for debate.  Eliminate the judgments from your observations.  Observe what is as what is, not what you conclude it to be based on your assumptions and prior exposures.

Instead of saying “You made me feel bad when you turned away from me,” I would suggest trying, “I felt sad and frustrated when you turned away from me.”  In this way you are communicating your feelings and by using “I” in that phrase you are also taking responsibility for your feelings.  Remember — nobody makes you feel a certain way.  Only you make yourself feel the way you do.  If you want to kick it up a notch, follow through and complete the thought:

“I felt sad and frustrated when you turned away from me because I want to be able to speak about what’s on my mind and complete my thought.  Would you please consider listening to what I have to say?”

Man, that’s a mouthful, isn’t it?  Sure is.  And when you start using it you can sound a lot like a robot.  You can chop this up and modify it too.  You don’t necessarily have to say it all, but if you are thinking the rest of it and not saying it, at least you are in tune with your feelings and that will have a positive impact on others too.

I recommend staying away from interpretations about other people’s actions and intentions.  If you use words and phrases like “ignored,” “neglected,” “gave me the cold shoulder,” “got defensive,” “took advantage of,” and the like, you are just enabling a defensive reaction of the other person.  Who is really going to take kindly to being accused of taking advantage of someone else, especially if that wasn’t their intention in the first place?

It’s a challenge, because we’ve made a very unnatural form of expression seem very natural.  It’s hard to take what is our true essence, which is love, compassion, gratitude, and appreciation, and drive our conversations from that foundation.  It’s hard to talk about how we feel, and it’s even harder to accept responsibility for our feelings, especially when we’ve never really had the opportunity to see this communication style modeled by others.

While we may have good intentions in telling people that we are hurting, trying to tell someone that it is they who caused our hurt feelings is a more violent approach.  What’s even worse is that we may not intend to be violent in our words at all.  Maybe we’re just trying to say, “I’m hurt.”

It’s these unintended consequences of our conversations that lead to problems in our relationships.  The most frustrating part is when people are having troubles in their relationships, communicating in this fashion, and then not understanding why things aren’t going well.

Take some time to do an inventory of how you communicate with others.  I know when I did, I found that I was unintentionally using this more violent type of communication frequently.  Once I started making an effort to change the way I talked, I noticed a change within me, and within those around me too.  My relationships improved, and defensiveness to my communications dramatically decreased.

Communication is hard enough to do well.  We don’t need to confuse it further by adding violence unintentionally.  When we can eliminate that added dimension, and connect to others in communicating our feelings, we will find ourselves in a much better place to discuss anything that’s on our minds.  We will connect at the heart and speak the language of love, gratitude, respect, and compassion.  That sounds much better, don’t you think?

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/ilco