“It’s hard to communicate anything exactly and that’s why perfect relationships between people are difficult to find.”
~ Gustave Flaubert

I was asked to do a webinar for the National Wellness Institute next month (yay)!  I am thrilled to do it, and I am so happy to be preparing a topic that I just love to talk about — “Enhancing Wellness through Improved Communication.”  If you are interested in checking it out, just click the link I provided.

Communication is tricky business, because there are some things about communication that we do almost reflexively in our communications that we don’t realize.  Beyond that, there are things that we do in communication that actually can cause harm to other people, without our even realizing it too.

So, case in point — it brings me to a scenario that played out some time ago with two clients I worked with…They were a married couple who was just having a heck of a time getting through any sort of extended time together without it turning into some sort of argument or dispute.

So, I started asking some questions, and it seemed that all I could get from them are interpretations.  I heard phrases like, “I feel that they are so controlling,” and “I feel they’re trying to take advantage of me,” and “I feel pushed in the corner,” and “I think that they are trying to take me for a ride.”  These are all interpretations because of the way these phrases start out.

When we communicate effectively, we do talk about our feelings, but feelings are emotions.  Emotions are things like happy, sad, frustrated, angry, overjoyed, ecstatic, and so on.  They are a reflection of what is alive in us in the here and now, and nobody can debate our feelings.  It’s not like we can say, “I’m happy” and someone can argue that we’re not!

However, when it comes to interpretations, notice how we follow “I feel” with the word “that.”  The moment you put the “that” after the word “feel,” you are going to follow it with an interpretation, and now it’s up for debate.  When I say, “I feel you are controlling,” it’s up for debate, and it can be argued that the other person isn’t controlling.  When you start a statement using “I think,” then it also goes down the same road.

So, I got this couple to talk to me together at the same time over the phone.  We had to start chipping away at all of these interpretations, because it was causing so much friction every time one was used.  When an interpretation was dished out by one, the other would either deny it, try to clarify it, or just throw out a passive-aggressive statement like, “Sure, okay, whatever you say…I’m always wrong!”

We had to start to look for the facts.  What were the actual observable behaviors?  What were the words actually said?  When we could start to work on finding the facts of the scenarios, they were no longer debatable.  We also worked on the formula for formulating a conversation that leads to compassion and empathy for others.

We finally got to the point where we were able  to talk about the facts without interpretations.  Then, they talked about their feelings about what happened, and what it was that they needed but weren’t getting, which was reflected in the feeling.  Then, they would follow it up with a request.

What we found in this case is that they started talking more lovingly to each other, and they were more in tune with each others’ feelings and needs.  Their relationship started to blossom.  We sort of made up a rule, for the short term, that they could not talk about the past, and that they could only speak in a way that spoke to their common core value of love.  This was a temporary fix, mind you, because you need to talk through difficult issues, but it has to be done when emotions have come down a bit.

So, interpretations and diagnoses are killers when it comes to our communications.  When we interpret the words and actions of another and put it into words, all it leads to is a defensive reaction in others.  It’s up for debate, and it turns into an argument.  

When we speak from the true emotion that resides within us, we let others know what’s alive in us.  We let others know how they can help us, and we provide a clear explanation of what they can do to help us.  It just takes a bit of work, but if we can speak from true feelings and speak to the facts, we can dramatically improve our relationships and make life better for us and those around us.

When we can routinely speak to facts, and not interpretations, we open up a dialogue about who we are and what we feel and what we need.  We eliminate the defensiveness and negativity, and we can start to heal the relationship.

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/leovdworp