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I was talking to my best friend last week, and we were discussing a theatre group that I helped start at the tender young age of nineteen. It was sixteen years ago, to be precise, that I, with the help of two of my friends who were also nineteen, started a community theatre organization.
One of the things we had talked about in regard to getting this group started was the fact that, even though I was in the midst of a deep depression, I was still able to function pretty reasonably, given the circumstances.
I hadn’t really thought about it, but it did seem quite strange that I found a few hours each summer day to be inspired and creative enough to contribute to this organization. Looking back, the things that we accomplished as nineteen year olds was quite astounding. To think of what it took to get sponsored, funded, approved, supported, not to mention the buy in from the community along with all the other things we needed just to get the organization started, it makes my head spin just thinking about it. It also makes me shake my head at the sheer magnitude of the project we took on back then!
Oh yes, that and the fact that sometimes people don’t take nineteen year olds too seriously, especially when they are trying to tackle such a daunting task. We had to be bold, courageous, fearless, and risky.
For some strange reason, even though my life was just a mess otherwise, I seemed to not just hold it together during those times when I needed to for rehearsals; I actually stepped up and did some pretty remarkable things — things that would challenge me greatly now, sixteen years later. To be honest, I don’t know if I even could do some of those things these days. I’ve matured a bit! 🙂
My friend, during our discussion, suggested that perhaps the time spent with the theatre organization was an escape for me — it was an escape from all the garbage that I had to deal with.
Almost immediately, it hit me — it was a revelation — an epiphany of sorts. For years I had struggled to figure out what the “deal” was for me, during all those years of suffering.
It all came to a head, and I actually figured it out — I was afraid. That’s it. I was afraid.
“Afraid of what?” you may ask. It’s simple — I was afraid of losing the life path I thought I “should” be living. Before my mom died in 1993, when I was sixteen, I had a pretty basic idea of what my life was going to be like as the years progressed. Yes, I know that one’s perspective of life when one is sixteen years old differs greatly from the perspective one has when they are older, but still, I had a general idea of what I wanted to do with my life, not to mention the fact that I was operating under the assumption that my parents would be around for a significant portion of my life.
Yet, on that July day in 1993, everything got screwed up — I had to adopt a different life path, because now my mom was gone. I was so terrified at what may happen to me in the future that I struggled so mightily to stay as close to that “original” life plan as possible. The harder I struggled to prevent losing my way on my life path, the more fearful I was, which limited my personal potential.
Because I was so attached to this life path, and also so fearless of losing my way, I lived a life of fear. This was my “real” life, as I believed it to be, full of suffering and fear due to attachment:
This differed starkly from my “escape,” as my friend had suggested, which was a time where I was bold and fearless, open to creative possibilities:
You can see when you compare them, side by side, that they are almost opposites of each other:
My “epiphany” came when I realized that I had this all wrong! My perspective was “flipped!” What “I believed” to be my real life was not really that at all! As a matter of fact, what I believed to be my “escape” was simply a glimpse of my true, authentic self, when I was unincumbered and liberated of my fear and my attachment to the life path I believed I was supposed to be “traveling.” It was then that I discovered the greatness that was within!
How often do we obsess over how we thing things “should” be? How often do we fear change that lies ahead? When we become fearful of the changes that we face — when we become afraid of losing what we think we “should” maintain — the fear and desperate attempts to preserve or protect the loss often limits our potential. We are so consumed with preventing a loss that we lose perspective — we develop “tunnel vision.” Because we lose perspective, we miss out on the potential that we possess, and we miss an opportunity to discover our inner greatness.
It’s time to let go of the fear of losing what we think we “should” have. It only limits our potential. We were destined to be great! We can achieve our true inner geatness if only we let go. We have to let go, and dare ourselves to live, fully unleashed, ready to bring out the greatness that lies within!
It’s time to be great! Live unleashed!
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