An important reminder to help you deal with a “casino” mentality

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“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  ~Malachy McCourt

I remember when both of my girls were almost two years old and they were starting to learn the ways of the world, namely how to communicate their wants (and their “non-wants”).  I remember watching how they reacted when they clearly didn’t like how things were going, or how they were denied something they wanted.  They threw themselves down on the ground in a temper tantrum, kicking, screaming and crying.

All parents have reached this critical juncture in their early parenthood — what do you do?  Is the “thing” you are denying really that big of a deal?  Do you give in, and just let them have the “small” thing they wanted?  I know that I have questioned myself sometimes, asking if it really is a big deal to give in.  What’s worse is when the child throws a tantrum in public.  The embarrassment and questioning looks from other parents is enough to make one crumble to the pressure.  My wife and I usually just walked away from the tantrum, and it usually stopped pretty quickly.  Eventually, our children learned that “no” means “no,” and no matter what they do, it won’t change our answer.  As far as the public displays go, I usually prepped them, informing them that if they “lost it” in the store, I would remove them from the store immediately.  I think I had to do that once, and that was the end of that.

What’s going on?

It’s a power grab.  When a child gets frustrated, and doesn’t know how to cope with their frustration with not getting what they wanted, or if the child lacks problem-solving skills, they may resort to lashing out in a tirade.  If the parent gives in and gives them what they want, the child learns that life is a “casino.”  The child begins to learn that if they hear “no,” but you act out, eventually they hit the “jackpot” and get their way in the end.  This continues as children learn to talk, as they begin to bargain or continually ask the same question when they don’t get the answer they wanted.  They keep asking and asking until the parent wears down and gives in.  “Jackpot” once again!  It’s like playing the slot machine!

This is not the parent’s fault, and it’s not the child’s fault.  Everyone does the best they can with what they have.  If anyone can lay claim to being the perfect parent, I’d like to see what they do!  However, if this behavior is permitted, it can cause problems down the road.  If children are not taught that “no” means “no,” and that nothing is going to change the “no” answer, this child grows up having learned that if they don’t get what they want, they just have to make a fuss, and things will eventually turn to their favor, and once again, they hit the “jackpot” and get what they wanted.  While adults no longer resort to throwing themselves on the floor, they do other things to let others know they aren’t happy.

This is called losing control to gain control.  People usually don’t do this maliciously — it’s really just what they have been conditioned to accept as the norm.  The unknowingly use the fear mechanisms of our minds to wield their power.  Our brains are built to do what is “safe” to ensure we don’t suffer personal harm.  Sometimes we feel physical pain because of emotional causes.  Our desire to avoid any sort of pain or harm causes us to act in ways that prevent us from inducing the painful stimulus.  This usually translates into simply giving what the abuser or tantrum thrower wants, because it eliminates the risk of personal harm.

While it seems that simply giving the other person what they want is an easy way to fix the problem, there is usually a negative side effect.  The downside is that we usually sacrifice our personal needs and wants for the sake of others.  We risk valuing the happiness of others more than our own happiness.  This may lead to feelings of resentment, anger, or other undesirable behaviors.  This also perpetuates the cycle of losing control to gain control, because this behavior is allowed to continue.  Another jackpot, so to speak! 🙂  Just like a parent walking out of the room on a temper tantrum, if you show you aren’t affected or swayed by such displays, the behavior usually subsides, because they’ll realize their power plays don’t affect you.

My reminder to you

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and personal happiness.  Nobody should have to live in fear of repercussions of others.  In the past, I have used self talk to help myself through this type of problem.  I thought something similar to, “I am entitled to my opinion and personal happiness.  As long as I don’t infringe on another person’s right to their opinion and happiness, I am doing nothing wrong.”  This reminded me that I have the right to do what I want to do, as long as I am not harming anyone else in the process.  It’s also a great reminder to yourself that people don’t have the right to intimidate you out of living the life you want to live, simply out of fear.

You are entitled to be happy!  Don’t let anyone stand between you and the happiness you deserve!  Live your life your own way!

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