Category Archives for "wellness"

This is the final installment of the series of articles in which I talk about what I call the top three contributors to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  There are three main contributors, that I believe make up over 90% of the problems we face when it comes to living in peace and harmony with others, and that get in our way as we attempt to connect with others.  I would contend that if everyone did these three things a little better, the world would be a lot better place to live.

In my first article, I talked about the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  This arises when people have difficulty articulating how they feel, and then they have an even more difficult time articulating what it is that they need or what value of theirs is in misalignment.  Finally, people have a very difficult time making requests of others that will help them either get what they need or help them reach a place of alignment with their personal core values.

Then, in my second article, I went into detail about the inability to appreciate multiple perspectives at the same time.  Many times this shows up when someone views other people’s ideas as “stupid,” or when people assume that others have ill intentions or ulterior motives behind their actions.

The second installment flows pretty effortlessly into this article’s topic, which rounds out this series, and it is concerned with making interpretations, evaluations, or moralistic judgments about another person.  This one is a tricky one to catch, because in many instances we do this without even giving this a second thought.

So what is involved here?  It’s quite simple — it involves looking at the actions of someone and then drawing a conclusion about what you think the other person’s motivations or thoughts might be.  For example, if you observe that someone is naming other people who had been involved in a project — one that didn’t go well, by the way — you may interpret this behavior as the other person’s attempt to “throw others under the bus,” or you may think that they’re “trying to pin it on other people,” or that they are “playing politics.”

Do you see how these are all interpretations and evaluations of a person’s behavior, and how there is this undercurrent of implied “wrongness” in what that other person is doing?  This is how conflicts start, and this is how conflicts endure.  When we tell other people what we think they’re thinking, very rarely does it end positively!

I had a client who would tell me that they had a hard time with the idea of trying to help other people get their needs met, and that was because they didn’t like how some people were trying to “get out of trouble,” because they had done something “wrong.”  Do you see how this line of thinking is inundated with interpretations?  When we view other people through the lens of interpretations, moralistic judgments, and implied wrongness, it’s hard to see a real person beneath all of that.  In this case, I would suggest this client is not yet able to help another meet their needs because they need to work on overcoming interpreting and diagnosing first.

So what can we do to overcome interpreting and diagnosing?  It’s pretty simple.  You just say it like it is.  If someone’s voice got louder, their voice got louder.  I would suggest that you refrain from saying to the other person, “When you yelled…” and may I suggest you say “When your voice got louder…”  This is an objective statement, that cannot be argued by the other person.

Instead of saying “You threw us under the bus…” you may want to stick to the observable facts, and alternatively consider saying, “You started naming all of the people who were involved in the project when they asked who was responsible.”

Also, if you refrain from saying “I think…” you can steer clear of interpretations and diagnoses.  It’s really easy to slip into that mode when you say something like, “I think you’re just trying to get out of trouble.”  That’s an interpretation, and a judgment that implies wrongness.  You are implying that what they are doing is wrong.  What do you think the other person’s reaction is going to be when you finish telling them that they’re “just trying to get out of trouble” (Especially when that wasn’t even close to what they were intending to do)?

Now that you have awareness of interpreting, diagnosing, and making moralistic judgments, I’d ask you to observe and listen to the conversations that go on around you.  Take time to listen to discussions, especially those that are aimed at avoiding or resolving conflict.  Listen for the “I think…” statements, and listen for the interpretations and diagnoses.  You may be surprised at how many of these occur in our regular conversations.  These types of conversation pieces do not bring us closer together and allow us to connect better with others.  They actually keep us further apart, because we are judging the behaviors of others as “wrong,” as if we are “better” and “less wrong” than they are.

The more we are aware of these three potential contributors to “interpersonal discontent,” the better we will be able to avoid the pitfalls associated with the use of them.  We can listen better to people when they are pulling out their “hammer” from their “toolbox,” and listen for the “please” embedded within their abrasive and critical statements.  We can be a much better listener when we focus on broadening our perspective beyond our narrowed egoic perspective, and attempt to appreciate the perspectives of others at the same time.  When we can leave out the interpretations and moralistic judgments of others, and just observe what is for what it is, we can decrease the likelihood that others will get upset or offended by what we have to say about what we see others doing.

We have the true power to positively impact every interaction we engage in on a daily basis.  Now that you have knowledge about the three big obstacles to interpersonal harmony, you can positively impact everyone you communicate with every day.  Even if you can improve one conversation per day with someone, you’re having a tremendous impact on others that won’t be forgotten.  Let’s continue to build a more positive and harmonious world together.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/joegratz/117048243

This is the next installment of the series of articles in which I’ll be discussing what I call the top three contributors to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  There are three main contributors, that I believe make up over 90% of the problems we face when it comes to living in peace and harmony with others, and that get in our way as we attempt to connect with others.  I would contend that if everyone did these three things a little better, the world would be a lot better place to live.

Last time I talked about what I call the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  This arises when people have difficulty articulating how they feel, and then they have an even more difficult time articulating what it is that they need or what value of theirs is in misalignment.  Finally, people have a very difficult time making requests of others that will help them either get what they need or help them reach a place of alignment with their personal core values.

In this article I’m going to focus on what I call the inability to appreciate multiple perspectives at the same time.  Many times this shows up when someone views other people’s ideas as “stupid,” or when people assume that others have ill intentions or ulterior motives behind their actions.

Usually, when someone has a more narrowed perspective, they think about their own interests, and don’t pay much attention to, or quite honestly have difficulty understanding what it may be like to be another person.  They lack the ability to “walk a mile in another’s shoes,” so to speak.  They lack the ability to empathize with others.

Now, we all have the ability to empathize.  It’s been shown in scientific studies that we have what are called “mirror neurons” that actually become active when we watch someone else doing something.  The same areas of our brain are active as the areas of the brain in the person who is doing the activity that we are observing.  It’s as if our brain is experiencing the event, even though we are not.

The problem we face is that this function takes place in the cerebral cortex of the brain.  This is the outer “shell” of the brain, as it were.  But, if we are making assumptions about other people that they are trying to take advantage of another, or if we lead ourselves to believe that the ideas of other people are “worthless,” we are using parts of the brain that are more concerned with protection and preservation of life.

After all, when someone says that another is “trying to take advantage,” or that their ideas are “stupid,” we’re actually dealing with a “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  The person is really trying to ask “please,” but they don’t know how to articulate it in a way that makes it more likely that they’ll get their needs met.  But the rub is that that the person views and accepts as true that the other person is actually “stupid,” or “trying to take advantage” of a situation.  Their interpretation is that the person is doing something “wrong,” and therefore it causes the initiation of the stress response in the body.  Instead of this person giving the other the benefit of the doubt, or seeking to find deeper meaning behind what they observe, they are stuck and stressed.

These stress hormones “hijack” the emotional and higher parts of the brain, thus making it difficult to empathize or be compassionate toward other people.  Those “mirror neurons” are less likely to become activated, and the person stays relatively fixed in their stress response cycle.

So what’s the way out of this?  It takes awareness.  It takes concentration and mindfulness on our part to “catch ourselves” in the middle of making interpretations, evaluations, or moralistic judgments about another person.  This also happens to be the third contributor to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding, and will be the topic that I write on next as the final installment of the series.

So, for now, it’s really about being mindful about your thoughts.  Try to put yourself in the shoes of another person.  How would you feel if you heard what you were saying?  What might be going on inside of the head of another person — what might they be thinking — that may be causing them to respond and act out the way that they are?

By simply being curious — by simply “wondering” what may be happening — you can unleash your empathy and compassion.  By asking, “What may be going on with them?” you can open up yourself to perspectives beyond yourself.  With practice, you can begin to broaden your “wondering,” and expand to larger groups of people, until ultimately you can appreciate a “universal” perspective, which is all-inclusive and all-encompassing.

How can you broaden your perspectives?  How can you “wonder” more what it’s like to be another?  These are the keys to building connections with other people, and showing them that not only do you care about them, but you truly seek to understand them too.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/joe57spike/5676547198

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be discussing what I call the top three contributors to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  There are three main contributors, that I believe make up over 90% of the problems we face when it comes to living in peace and harmony with others.  I would contend that if everyone did these three things a little better, the world would be a lot better place to live.

So, for today, I’m going to talk about what I call the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  This arises when people have difficulty articulating how they feel, and then they have an even more difficult time articulating what it is that they need or what value of theirs is in misalignment.  Finally, people have a very difficult time making requests of others that will help them either get what they need or help them reach a place of alignment with their personal core values.

But before we dive in today about how we can overcome the “hammer in the toolbox” problem, we need to, in my opinion, look at the world we live in first.

Let’s look at our children’s television programming or movies to start.  (Remember, what we show our children over the first seven years of their lives becomes their subconscious “program” that basically “runs the show” 95% of the time for the rest of their lives) If I were to tell you that I would bring a guest to your house that would show your child that it’s okay to kill or beat up another person, would you approve?

I’m guessing that most of you would say, “no” pretty quickly to that question.  Yet, that’s what your television and the cinema does with a lot of popular children’s programming and movies.  Here’s the typical story line: There is an antagonist (the “good” entity).  Things are going well until the antagonist shows up (the “bad” entity).  There is building tension throughout the movie as the antagonist does “bad” things, and then, at the climax, the antagonist is either punished or killed.

Is that pretty accurate?

And why, exactly, does there need to be a bad guy?

Because of what it does to us mentally and emotionally.  We’ve been conditioned to find pleasure in punishment.  It’s the product of a society based on the idea that there is “good” and “bad,” and “right” and “wrong,” and “normal” and “abnormal.”  And, you had better “fall in line” and do what is “good,” “right,” and “normal,” because if you don’t you’ll be punished and an example will be made of you so that others don’t do what you did.

I mean, that’s a very efficient way to control other people.  To heck with how they feel.  We don’t need to know how people feel.  We just need to know that they’ll do what they’re told.  That’s just easier, right?

As a parent, can you not just “tell” you child what to do, without consideration for their feelings?  Sure.  As a supervisor, can you not just “command” your subordinates to do what you want them to do, because you’re their boss and if they don’t they’ll get fired, without consideration for their feelings?  Yes.

But, just because you can do it, does that mean that it is the preferred way to do things?

We don’t talk about our feelings.  We aren’t asked about our feelings.  When were you ever asked about your feelings by your teacher, or during your entire educational process?  What about at work?  Are you asked how you’re feeling?  Probably not, and that is what leads to the “hammer in the toolbox” syndrome.  We lack the know-how on how to express our feelings, and even if we do, it can feel uncomfortable because it’s just “not the way we do things” on this earth and in our society.  To talk of your feelings is to be perceived as “weak” and “too sensitive” to be a leader or effective in anything we do.

And then, when we do muster up the courage to talk of feelings, we’re not really talking about our feelings most of the time.  We say things like “I feel like you’re taking advantage of me,” or “I feel like you’re not listening to me.”  “Like” is not a feeling!  We can feel “happy,” “angry,” “frustrated,” “elated,” “curious,” “perplexed,” “confused,” or even down right “sad,” but we cannot feel “like.”  And I can prove it.  What can you do to feel “happy?”  Now, what can you do to feel “like?”  Yeah, I thought so…

So here we are, unable to articulate how we feel.  So, here’s the first question: “How do you feel?”

Question number 2: “Why do you feel this way?  What is it that you are either getting (usually leads to a positive feeling), or not getting (usually leads to a negative feeling)?  Or, what core value do you hold true to yourself that you are aligned with (usually leads to a positive feeling), or with what value are you not aligned (usually leads to a negative emotion).”

Question number 3: “If you are experiencing a negative emotion, and have identified what it is that is lacking or out of alignment, what can you ask others for, so that you can get it or align with that value?”

When we put this all together, we can connect better by overcoming the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  The problem, by the way, is that we’re not effectively articulating our needs or unmet values, so we’re just “hammering away” violently, telling people what to do with no regard for their feelings.  This creates a lot of damage, just as if you were to try to do everything you needed to do to build or fix something, but all you had in your toolbox to use was a hammer.

To overcome this problem, we simply have to state what is happening, how we feel about it, and what we need that we’re not getting.  Then, we simply have to ask others to help us get what we want, without demanding it.

When we can do this, we can add another tool to our “toolbox of communication.”  We can also use it to listen to others too!

If you’ve enjoyed this post, you’ll really enjoy my book, Rise Above Criticism, Negativity, and Conflict.  It’s a book that describes the “hammer in the toolbox” problem, and provides you with many more helpful things to consider and apply to your own life to help you speak to and listen to others much more peacefully and effectively.  You can get it by visiting Amazon.com or Barnes And Noble.  It’s a quick read, and people really enjoy it!

I’ll talk with you next week in the next installment of this series, to talk about the second major contributor to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  Talk soon!

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/olga-lednichenko-photos-albums-images/6417934707

The other day, I had the opportunity to “just be.”  I didn’t have anything pressing to do, and I had that rare opportunity when all my household chores and other responsibilities were taken care of.  Because I have the luxury of it being summer, I just walked out on the deck behind my house and just “was.”

And it felt a little bit “uncomfortable.”

At first, I had thoughts arising, trying to tell me that to “just be” is not a productive use of time.

“Is there something else I can be doing?” I thought.

“But, what should I do with this time?  Should I just ‘sit here?’ Can I just do that?  Is that okay?” was the next stream of thought that crossed my awareness.

But then, I just treated those thoughts the same way as I treated the sound of the wind through the trees and the sound of the birds singing in the distance.  I distanced myself from “perceiving” the thoughts as thoughts, and just treated them as the “sounds of the environment,” and the thoughts eventually subsided.  Heck, I finally had some time to “just be,” and I wasn’t going to squander that opportunity!

Then, I just started to open my awareness further.  I let the sounds around me just come to me.  I took a close look at the individual flowers in the flower box before me.  I looked at the leaves, and noted their colors, characteristics, shapes, and fragrances.  I just took it all in, without analysis, judgment, or critique.

I just “was.”  I allowed for things to just “happen.”  And I became okay with that.

Upon reflecting on this day, I realized that the initial encounter with silence, and “just being” brought about uncomfortable feelings.  I realized that to “just be” was not welcomed at first.

I began to think about how I could have been doing something else that is “more productive” with that precious time, and I would venture to guess some would define that feeling within as “guilt.”

Why?

Why do we feel uncomfortable with “just being,” and being silent?  Why do we believe we have to fill each moment of every day with some sort of activity, meaningful or not?  Why do we seek stimulation in the form of work, tasks, chores, events, and recreation?

Why is it not okay to “just be?”

My take on it is that we have become so conditioned to seek stimulation, because we have grown uncomfortable with silence.  And, my take is also that this is unfortunate.  Within silence, there is so much to be discovered.  There is so much that we just take for granted, don’t recognize, and don’t appreciate with our desire to stay busy and occupied.  There is also so much “internal” discoveries that lie buried, simply because we have grown uncomfortable with ourselves.

And, in my opinion, we’re missing out on so much when we don’t feel comfortable with ourselves.

We’ve become accustomed to filling our days with sound, activity, and occupation that we don’t take the time to be quiet and “hear” what we actually have to say.  And, I don’t mean the thoughts that come about when we’re quiet for two or three minutes before we succumb to all the “voices” in our heads that tell us about how upset we should be about what someone did or said, or how being silent is just “silly,” because it’s not going to reveal anything anyway.

I mean the thoughts that come to mind when we just sit there and tell that “noisy mind voice” that we’re not going to budge.  It’s those thoughts that come to mind when we allow those “noisy mind voices” to blend into the environmental noises that surround us.  It’s treating them like the hum of the refrigerator, the whisper of the wind, the birds tweeting in the distance, and the clock ticking on the wall.

When we can finally get quiet, beyond the initial “arguments” of our inner thoughts, we can then finally get a chance to be with our authentic selves.  We will finally come to meet our true loving, caring, compassionate self.

Who knows?  You may be surprised (and actually enjoy) who you meet!

A few months ago (when it was much colder) I did a video on the voice (and wisdom) of silence.  I invite you to watch it here.

Thoughts? Reflections?  Please respond below.  I’d love to read what comes to mind for you.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/aigle_dore/10876094015

I know I’ve written about it and spoken about it before.  The ego is not our friend.  Not by a long shot.  And, you and I both may know that the ego restricts us from reaching that “whatever-it-is-that-we-want-to-be” type of place we’re wanting to be.

Upon much reflection as of late, I’ve come to ask myself this question: “WHO is the ego?”  Or, asked in an alternative way, “WHAT is the ego?”

On the surface, the ego is that conscious entity that fills our awareness with lots of thoughts.  The thoughts usually come to us as a “voice” or “stream of phrases and ideas” that are perceived internally.  And, the reason why the ego is not our friend is because the ego can only exist if it can convince us that we need it to stick around.

The way it attempts to do this for us is by telling us that we’re either better than others or not good enough (usually more of the latter).  We continue to compare ourselves with others, and wonder why we are such a failure, or why we can’t accomplish what we want to accomplish, or why we are such miserable excuses for people, or why we aren’t a “better” person all around.

Congratulations, ego.  You’ve done your work.  You can stick around…You’ve gotten “into our heads.”  You’ve got us thinking, and not about the things we necessarily want to think.

But, then again, “WHO is the ego?”  Where does it come from?  The ego is consciousness.  It has to be, right?  It has to be because we are consciously aware of it.  The ego usually enters our awareness in the form of conscious thoughts.  Yes, we can choose our thoughts, but as the chooser of thought, are we not also the thinker?  Who’s doing the thinking?  Who’s doing the listening of the thinking?

“WHAT is the ego?” Is it a part of us?  It has to be, right?  Otherwise, if we don’t acknowledge that it’s a part of us, then where does it come from, and why in heaven’s name is some external entity coming along and putting thoughts into our heads?

So here’s where I am so far: There’s this “thing” called the “ego” that we don’t want in our life, because it does more “less-than-wonderful” things than “wonderful” things for us.  It is consciousness, because we are aware of it, yet, it must be originating from within us, otherwise we would not be able to be aware of its presence.

As far as I can determine at this juncture, “WE” are the ego.  The ego is us, or at least this “being” that we’ve come to identify as “I.”  The “ego” and the “I” are inseparable.  They are one and the same.

So, here’s the rub and the difficulty, from my standpoint: If the “ego” and “I” are inseparable, how can “I” eliminate the ego without eliminating the “I?”  As Alan Watts puts it well, “It’s like trying to bite your teeth.”  The “thing” that you’re trying to eliminate is the “thing” that needs to do the eliminating.  You can’t do it!

As much as we want to eliminate the entity that is the ego the more it sticks around.  It’s like telling you to not think about a white rabbit.  The first thing you’re going to think about is — you guessed it — a white rabbit.  The more we consciously try to eliminate it, the more it persists.  And, forget about trying to get rid of it, because the “I” who is trying to eliminate it is one and the same entity.

Well, then what are we to do?  How are we to get to that “whatever-it-is-that-we-want-to-be” type of place we’re wanting to be?

We’re already there.  This is it.  It’s the “now.”  This is life.  Full of its struggles, surprises, twists, turns, and adventures.

Everything we “want” is here.  In that, I mean that it is with what we do “here” and “now” that gets us to the next “here” and “now,” and so on and so forth.

When we begin taking in “what is” and focusing less on what we “want,” we hold the universe in our hands, and it holds us in its hands.

You see, there is no “I” or “you” or “anything else.”  It’s all the same universe, with perceived boundaries and separateness and differentiation.  We come from this universe and it affects us as much as we affect it.  We’re one and the same.

This “wanting” “stuff” is “noise,” in my opinion.  It’s our conscious creation.  It comes from linear thinking — thinking that leads us to believe, for example, that there is such a thing as “time.”  And, if you think time is anything else than a perception that we have created, let me ask you this — what differentiates “present” from “past” from “future?”  Where is the definable, hard “line” that separates all three?  It’s a continuum that has no beginning or end or separations.  Everything we define as the “past,” “present,” and “future” is all happening at once, beyond our level of perception.

So is it possible that our “wanting” is preventing us from “getting?”  What is it that we “need” to “get” anyway?

I’m still trying to figure it out.  If you have any thoughts, let me know.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/victorianevland/12505301425