We face a certain truth – there are only 24 hours given to us each day.  How we use those hours is at our discretion, of course, but with often-competing commitments and requirements for us to fulfill each day, the amount of time we have left for ourselves is rapidly consumed.

The challenge that we must undertake is to leave enough “in the tank” emotionally and energetically so that we can enjoy a quality of life that is full of joy, fulfillment, happiness, and purpose.  However, for many, the balance between commitments and conveniences is disrupted.  Let’s face it – we have a problem managing what many call the “work-life” balance.

The solution?  Many people look to “compartmentalize” the various aspects of their lives.  When they are at home, they have a “home mode” that they function within so that they can enjoy their time at home.  When they are at work, they compartmentalize perhaps their work as a whole, or even divide up their work tasks into mini compartments and manage things that way.

In my opinion, while compartmentalizing can have its advantages, there are major drawbacks to this energetically and emotionally.  Based on my personal experience, this requires a tremendous amount of energy, simply because one is holding back the energy that seems to permeate through the compartments from the other aspects of life at times.  When at home, work sneaks in sometimes, and when at work, home life can come around too!

But more problematic than the “bleeding through” when it comes to compartmentalizing is that one finds themselves vulnerable to compartmentalizing who they are based on what they do.

Compartmentalize what you do, and overflow with who you are

We risk losing authenticity when we compartmentalize who we are along with what we do.  If someone has an occupation as a manager, compartmentalizing their work and personality as their “work persona” can leave that person coming across as restrained, un-authentic, unfeeling, or uncaring.  This same person may be thinking to themself, “I’m completely the opposite of that!”  Yet, that is what others have come to believe based on their lack of overflowing of who they really are.

So, yes, we can compartmentalize the different aspects of what we do in a day — perhaps when it comes to being a dad, I can be that and do those “dad things,” and when it comes time for me to go to work and teach college students, I can be that and do those “instructor things,” and then when it comes time for me to take care of patients I can be that and do those “healthcare provider things.”

But the glue that holds it all together is who I am.  And this, I’ve found, is the key to managing a heck of a lot in not a heck of a lot of time.

Understanding your core values

“Who we are” is defined by the core values we hold.  What are core values, you ask?  Core values are those “rules” you play by when playing the game of life.  Do you like it when people are dishonest?  If not, then “honesty” is a core value, for example.

If you can define four or five core values that you hold as your own, and live by those values in every aspect of your life, you will overflow the compartments with who you truly are, and let your true self and your great virtues that make you who you are flow authentically through you no matter what you do.

The “I AM” exercise

To help you determine what your core values are, you can simply do the “I AM” exercise.  Here’s how you do it: Grab a piece of paper and a pen or pencil.  On the top of the piece of paper write the words “I AM…” and then think about words that describe you at your very best, free of any flaws or defects.

You may write words like, “generous,” “caring,” “loving,” “friendly, ” “compassionate,” and other virtuous words.  Then, after doing this for a few minutes, circle the four or five you like the most or describe you best.  Those are your values.  If you wrote “generous,” “generosity” is the core value.  If you wrote “loving,” “love” is your core value.

Once you have determined your core values, then just let them shine in everything you do.  Be loving everywhere.  Be generous everywhere and all the time.

When we can overflow who we are, we share the best virtues of ourselves with those that we interact with and have an impact upon every day.  We will help others see us as our authentic selves, and we also will serve as a positive inspiration on others, who will wonder how the heck we can do what we do every day — getting everything in and staying upbeat and positive while doing it all!

It truly is possible to get more done in less time, but usually when we are blessed by the positive virtues you embody each and every day, allowing them to overflow and bless others in their abundance.

Have you ever read a book that had such an impact on you that you were never the same after reading it? I’ve been positively impacted by many books, and so I thought I would share my list of the top 6 influential books I’ve read with you. Below is a list of the books that, to date, have impacted my life the most after having read them. Included with the names of the books are links to the books and my explanation as to why these books were impactful for me.

Here they are, in no particular order:

Tribal Leadership: Leveraging Natural Groups to Build a Thriving Organization

Why it was impactful:  This book was instrumental in my understanding of human nature and how we organize ourselves into “tribes” when we work in communities, namely organizational communities.  I learned about how people (and organizations) can settle into “stages” that are both identifiable and predictable, and more interestingly and importantly, how to use leverage to move people to a higher level of functioning to have a positive impact on the organization.  It was by reading this book I learned the importance of core values and what can happen in a negative way when we don’t identify and embrace them.  Whether you are a leader in a business or not, this book can be an eye-opener.  Anyone who works in or for any sort of organization, whether it be a for-profit or non-profit, will benefit tremendously from reading this book.  If you enjoy research-based publications, this one is for you.  The back of the book is loaded with the research that substantiates the observations and conclusions shared throughout the book.

I actually interviewed Dave Logan on my radio show, and if you’d like to hear that interview just click here.

Autobiography of a Yogi

Why it was impactful:  This book introduced me to the work of Paramahansa Yogananda, and through Yogananda, I was introduced to the concept of self-realization.  Self-realization has come to mean to me that I need to search within myself to make a difference on the outside of my life.  Through the personal pursuit of self-realization, I’ve come to seek a personal relationship with God, and I made meditation something that I don’t just talk about, but actually practice regularly (daily).  In the pursuit of self-realization, I’ve reduced my blood pressure, improved my diet, improved my overall health, and have less stress and anger.  I’ve come to recognize God’s grace and God’s presence in everyone and everything in the world.  This book opened the door to the embedded messages in sacred scripture and has allowed me to read these books with a new perspective and forge a closer relationship with God, as well as enhancing my spiritual and physical health.

The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter and Miracles

Why it was impactful:  Bruce Lipton’s’ breakthrough book shows how our beliefs can switch on and off our genes which can have a positive impact on health.  He also shares a very interesting take on how biology bridges into spirituality later on in the book.  The reason I enjoyed this book so much was because Bruce has a great way of taking difficult concepts and making them easy to understand and blowing your mind at the same time.  For example, he shares how the cell membrane is very similar to a microprocessor and is actually the brain of the cell, not the nucleus like we’ve always been told.  If you’re looking for proof that validates how what we think has a tremendous impact on our physical being, look no further than this book.  You’ll not only learn a lot about science but about how the human body and mind are intertwined and inseparable.

I also interviewed Bruce Lipton on my radio show, and if you’d like to listen to that interview, click here.  Part 2 is found here.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships

Why it was impactful: This book has really changed the way I interact with other people and, quite honestly, has served as the foundation for much of my coaching work, my book, and much of what I do in my work as a speaker and presenter.  Our interactions with other people start with what we say and how we say what we say to others.  This book has shown a new way of communication to me, and it has positively impacted my personal and professional relationships.  It has helped reduce stress and angst in my life, and it has helped me move from expectation to understanding and empathy.  Marshall Rosenberg has really left us a wonderful gift in this book, as he gets us to understand that concepts like “good and bad,” and “right and wrong” don’t belong in our dialogue.  He helps us move from damaging our relationships to saving them through connecting at the heart.  And, to be honest, if you’ve ever watched Marshall in a YouTube video, where he uses his jackal and giraffe puppets or puts on his “special” listening device, you can’t help but laugh in amusement and appreciation for his special way of transforming our interpersonal relationships.  If you’re ever looking for a comprehensive and thorough way to transform your interactions with other people, this book will give you all you need.

Holy Bible

Why it was impactful: When I have struggled for answers, I’ve looked to the Bible for help.  The most refreshing thought about my relationship with the Bible is that even though it has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, I get more out of it now than I ever have.  What I have come to understand about the sacred books is that there are different ways that we can read them.  We can read the book at face value like we would read any other storybook.  If you read the Bible this way you’ll be treated to a story that provides lessons for living along the way.  However, if you read the Bible in a “deeper” way you will pull meaning out of the words that are metaphysical and even more spiritual than meets the eye upon the first read.  The Bible is chock-full of symbolism in its words and stories.  If you’re searching for a deep and personal relationship with God the messages are there, hidden in plain sight.  Once I started reading the Bible with a deeper appreciation for the symbolism and hidden messages in it, it became much more intriguing, educational, and spiritually valuable to be as a guide.  If you have a hard time making sense out of the Bible, I recommend finding a study Bible, which provides interpretations and meanings of the passages throughout the text.

Bhagavad-Gita

Why it was impactful: If you’re not familiar with the Bhagavad-Gita, it is a Hindu scripture – sort of an equivalent to the Bible.  Again, you can read this book from cover to cover like a storybook and be treated to a very compelling story that will provide you with some life lessons.  However, this book was not intended to be read just like a storybook.  The symbolism and references to a deep relationship with God and the pursuit of self-realization are very much alive in this book.  To be honest, because of my Christian background the Bhagavad-Gita was a bit of a confusing read for me at first.  If you are taking it on for the first time and want to get as much benefit as you can from it I recommend that you purchase a version of the text which includes an interpretation of the passages.  Otherwise, the read will be quick and you’ll wonder where the wisdom can be found on the pages.  The link I provided is to a version of the book called “Bhagavad-Gita As It Is,” and it is the most widely used version of the book because of the interpretation that it includes.  For first time Gita readers the translation and explanation will be most valuable.

My Honorable Mentions:

Global Healing: Thinking Outside the Box

177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class: The Thought Processes, Habits, and Philosophies of the Great Ones

The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live–and How You Can Change Them

Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain

The Divine Romance: Collected Talks and Essays on Realizing God in Daily Life – Volume 2

Do you have some books that you think others would enjoy reading? Feel free to share your top influential books in the comments below.  I’d love to see your recommendations!

We all experience pain in its many forms.  Whether it’s physical pain, sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment, shock, confusion, or worry, we’ve come to know pain as an unwelcome guest in our lives.  Pain can frequently visit us in its many versions, as it can pave the way for sleepless nights, arguments, stress, anxiety, or other unpleasant side effects.

But what is pain, really?  What does pain truly represent and mean to us?  When we begin to investigate the nature of pain and its source, we can come to terms with its properties and value to us and see it for what it really is.

Pain provides us with awareness

While we may tend to share the opinion that pain is undesirable, the reality is that pain is neither good nor bad, or desirable or undesirable.  It just is.  When we experience physical pain, we are obviously made aware of physical damage or distress somewhere in or on the body.  Likewise, if we can realize that pain in its other forms, such as sadness or anger, has the capacity to shine a light on an aspect of our life that leads to personal discovery, pain can be a powerful feedback mechanism.  The key to allowing the pain to serve as a feedback mechanism is to dive deeper than the superficial experience of the pain.  While you may feel sadness, you may not be taking the opportunity to really experience it on its many levels and understand what it really is to you.

Pain resides in our passion

Diving deeper with an inquiry into our pain can provide much insight as to why we are experiencing it in the first place.  This provides us with an opportunity to go below the superficial experience of the pain and really gain an understanding of its source.  Upon further investigation, you may come to realize that pain resides in our passion.  When we care so deeply about something, such as being accepted by others, having peace in the world, or kindness between people, if we see a contradiction to or violation of that ideal it causes pain.  For example, if I was passionate about keeping my house clean, and someone comes into my house and makes a mess, I will experience the pain of frustration, anger, resentment, or even sadness.  Because my passion is cleanliness, but I see a contradiction, I experience pain.

Our natural painkiller – Indifference

With the understanding that pain provides us with awareness, and that awareness leads us to discover the passion behind the pain, we can move to resolving it within us.  The long and the short of it is that we can eliminate the pain through indifference, although in practice this is not so easy and takes time and patience.  However, if you can simply develop the awareness of the source of the pain, this is an important step in moving forward along the process of removing the pain from your life.

I suggest that you first find something else in your life about which you are indifferent.  For me, for example, I would say that I am indifferent about NASCAR.  How do I know I’m indifferent about it?  I know because I don’t care about who the drivers are, what races they’re in, when the races are, or who wins.  I have absolutely no interest in the sport, its competitors, or outcome.

Once you find something that you are indifferent about, you can examine the experience of indifference.  Take time to learn what indifference feels like to you, and how it creates a sense of ease and subtle strength.  When you are indifferent you are not affected by an outcome and you feel unattached.

After you have had some time to spend in that indifference, it’s time to return to your passion.  Now you can spend time in the process of inquiry, asking yourself just why this is a passion to you and why it is so important to you to maintain this passion.  Only you can answer these questions, and only you know what your next steps will be.  Sometimes simply understanding the nature of the pain and its source provides comfort and relief of the pain when it comes.  Awareness alone has the capacity to soothe and heal.

The bottom line is that pain is not necessarily bad or undesirable.  It’s something that leads to our awareness if we take the time to understand it.  That awareness can lead us on a path toward the elimination of the pain if we can come to understand the passion in which our pain resides.  Through meditation and contemplation, you can uncover the nature of your pain and its source and determine what the next steps are for you.  Understanding our pain is a journey, but on that path, you may transcend it to experience peace.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/practicalcures/22784724783

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a group about simple ways to find more happiness in life.  I shared a story about a man who was very successful in that he had his own thriving business, had lots of money, and loved his work as a business owner.  Someone had asked that man why he worked so many long and hard hours.

He answered that it was because he wanted the things that came with success.  He wanted things that were enjoyable to touch, taste, smell, see and hear.  The other man then asked why he wanted those things.

On it went, the successful man answering why, and the other continuing to ask “why” back, again and again.  Eventually, they got down to the core reason why he did what he did, and that was to be “happy.”

We all want to be happy

If we all were asked the same question – “Why do you do the things you do?” – the core answer for many of us would be because we too want to be “happy.”  But some of us are “unhappy” most days of our lives, and the idea of happiness seems so distant and so unrealistic at times that we become pessimistic about life and doubtful about the possibility of happiness.

But, what is happiness, really?  If you ask ten people you’ll probably get ten slightly different answers.  One may tell you being with their family is happiness.  Another may say happiness is to have meaning in life.  Still, another may suggest for them happiness is having stability.  It’s easy to see that happiness is defined by many as an idea or vision rather than an emotion.

In reality, however, happiness itself is an emotion.  It is just like sadness, anger, frustration, or joy.  It’s fleeting.  So what we’re trying to do is capture something that changes from instant to instant and hold it indefinitely in a sustained state.  This is virtually impossible for most people, simply because we don’t have years of practice in the ways of meditation and deep introspection that is required to find a continual and perpetual state of bliss.

Instead, we find ourselves with the challenge of understanding that what we believe happiness to be and what happiness really is are two very different things.  And if we continue to chase after happiness the emotion with the idea of realizing the vision of what happiness represents for us, we will find ourselves unsuccessful and, eventually, unhappy too.

May I suggest to you that instead of holding on to this idea of “happiness,” that you focus on ways that you can become more resilient, have a more positive outlook, be more aware of your surroundings, look inward more often, and develop your ability to stay focused and fixed in concentration on a single task or idea.  The reason I suggest this is because these are some of the emotional styles that have been identified through roughly forty years of research into our emotions by Dr. Richard Davidson at the University of Wisconsin.

There are six emotional styles that “define” our personality, and these play a huge role in how “happy” we are from moment to moment.  For example, if you are more resilient, meaning that you can bounce back relatively quickly from setbacks, you are generally going to sustain a more positive emotional state, so to speak, more often.  If you’re interested in learning more about these emotional styles and even take your own emotional style quiz (and receive tips on how to improve some of these if you’d like), please follow this link.

The good news is that you can alter your emotional state through what Davidson calls “effortful training,” but the not-so-great news is that this type of training does take some time.  Chances are you’re reading this because you’re trying to figure out ways that you can help yourself now (while starting on that effortful training too, right?).

The “I am” practice

One thing I suggest to help you determine whether you are “on the right track” in life for you is to do a very fast and easy exercise called the “I am…” practice.  To get started, find a blank sheet of paper and a pen or pencil, and write the words “I am” at the top of the page.  Next, think about how you would describe yourself at your very best — think about how you would view yourself in perfection and write those words down.

You may write words like, “loving,” “kind,” “compassionate,” “silly,” “respectful,” and the like.  Just keep writing down as many words as you can think of that describe the perfect version of you.  After you believe that you’ve come up with a sufficient number of words, take a look a what you’ve written.  These are your personal core values.

Core values are your “moral code” for the life you lead.  It’s the rules by which you play the game of life, and when you follow those rules, life is “better” more often than it is not.  For example, if you wrote down that you are “honest,” then “honesty” would be the core value.  If someone asked you to be dishonest, or if you were dishonest yourself, chances are you would not feel “good” about yourself because you are acting in contradiction to one of your core values.

Generally, if someone is rather unhappy in their life one of the reasons may simply be that they are living a life that is not in alignment with their core values.  After all, if you’re playing the game of life by rules that oppose the ones you’ve established for yourself, it’s not going to be a fun game at all.  While there may be other causes for unhappiness (obviously), if you are struggling to know if you’re on the “right” path for you in life, starting with an assessment of how closely you’re aligned with your core values is a great way to begin.

I suggest pursuing those “virtuous” values, like love, generosity, kindness, and respect.  Start by making a purposeful effort to embody those virtues as often as you can, while being mindful and aware of the times when you begin to violate those values.  For example, you may find that you employ sarcasm on a regular basis throughout the day.  This does not align with love, kindness, or respect.  Once you pick up on this, you can turn things around and refrain from sarcasm until it becomes something you don’t do anymore.

One last tip – listen to those nearest and dearest to you.  Are they telling you things about your behavior?  For example, my wife had told me that I seem to need to have the last word in conversations or discussions.  Was she right in her assessment?  Well, after thinking about it and being mindful in my conversations, yes, she made an accurate statement.  Sometimes it takes our ability to set the ego aside and listen to those who not only see us as we are but also are not afraid to tell us to learn of those things that we do that are not in alignment with our values.

If you’re looking for a way to get started today to determine whether you are on the “right” track for you in life, just take a few moments to describe who you are at your very best, and then do some soul searching and practice some introspection to see how closely you are aligned with your own personal core values.  Chances are if you find that you’re closely aligned with your values, life is pretty good for you.  But if life is not so wonderful more days than not, I suspect you’ll find that there are some core values that really mean a lot to you from which you are far removed.  The more distant you are from your core values the more pain you experience from that distance.  If you are suffering, take some time to really think about what you can do right now, here, today, to start honoring your core values more often.  It just takes a few small steps in the “right” direction for you, focused on your core values, to get you started on the “right” path in life for you.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/53771866@N05/6162232402

Most people don’t find themselves contemplating whether to forgive someone who killed one of their parents, but that’s where I found myself at a young age.  When I was sixteen years old, my mom and I were coming home from a local shopping trip.  As we approached an intersection, a man driving a truck didn’t happen to see us and pulled out in front of us and struck our vehicle.  My mom was killed instantly.

I struggled with forgiveness for close to twenty years, refusing to forgive.  I felt anger, frustration, and bitterness.  I felt cheated out of future experiences.  I suffered greatly, and I wouldn’t have suffered in this way if it weren’t for that single incident of carelessness on the part of another person.  It was so wrong, as I saw it, that the person who caused this got to get up and walk away, while my family suffered greatly.

I’ve taken my story on the road and have spoken to groups on the topic of forgiveness, and they’re well attended.  I don’t know if it’s because people are looking for a way to deal with their feelings, or whether they’re contemplating forgiving, or if they’re simply trying to gain a different perspective on their own circumstances.  But, the fact that people are willing to come to listen tells me that there is a deep and core tendency toward forgiveness in the human spirit.  It’s almost as if we have an inner “knowing” that we want to forgive, but because of the circumstances, it’s difficult to take that step.

Forgiveness is hard to do.

It’s hard to consider.  It’s difficult when we are faced with a situation in which we believe we were wronged, or that someone did something wrong.  It’s even harder when that act of wrongness causes pain and suffering on our part.  And when we are asked to consider forgiving, some people draw the line and decide they aren’t going to forgive because of how they feel.

For many, forgiveness represents weakness or approval in a way – that one is “giving in,” and saying that what happened is “okay.”  For others, they are still waiting for an apology from the other person, and it isn’t until they receive that apology that they can consider forgiveness.  Still, for others, there is bitterness, anger, hate, and resentment over what happened, and no matter what anyone says or does, what is wrong is wrong, and they will never, ever, consider forgiving, and they will never forget what happened.

When I stand up in front of people and present this idea of forgiveness, I don’t speak to them from the perspective of telling them that they’re wrong for not considering forgiving.  I simply ask them to think about themselves for a moment, and not about the person whom they are contemplating (or resisting) the offering of forgiveness.  That’s because, in my opinion, the reality of forgiveness is this:

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, and not for others.

When you withhold forgiveness, you are only hurting yourself.  When you hold on to that anger, resentment, bitterness, or that feeling of being wronged or cheated, it causes distress and pain within yourself more than it will ever cause that same kind of pain within the other person.

Consider this:

“Withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for your perpetrator to die.” (Author unknown)

Unless you’re calling that other person every day and reminding them of how much what they have done has deeply hurt you, chances are they are not hurting as much as you are over whatever it is that you’re upset about.  That’s reality.

In the meantime, your withholding of forgiveness is keeping you fixed in time over a painful event.  You’re held stagnant, unable to move forward.  You’re potentially ruining interpersonal relationships, both in the past and present.  You’re adding stress to your life and negatively affecting your health.  You’re primarily hurting yourself.

So what does forgiveness represent, and why do we need to finally forgive?

People get hung up on forgiving, simply because they are still experiencing negative emotions associated with the event that caused the pain in the first place.  They’ve been told somewhere along the line that you can’t truly forgive until you are no longer angry, sad, frustrated, bitter, or resentful about what happened.

This is simply not true.  Forgiveness simply means that you are ready to move forward with your life, and put this event behind you.

Is it possible to move on, but still be angry?  Absolutely.  Is it possible to forgive, but still be hurt or sad?  Yes!

Forgiveness isn’t at all about getting to that point where you say that you are no longer angry, so all is forgiven.  That’s not forgiveness!  Forgiveness is all about doing something for yourself, which is moving forward, and telling yourself that you’re no longer going to give any more time, attention, thought, or energy toward that one event that happened.  It’s about telling yourself that you are no longer a prisoner of the past and that you are ready to move forward, living and enjoying your life as the best version of yourself.

To forgive is to move on with your life, no longer shackled by the chains of a past event that had gotten you down or caused you pain and suffering.

That’s what forgiveness represented for me, when, after close to twenty years, I was able to forgive the man who killed my mom.  I didn’t do it for him.  I did it for me.  I realized that I was fixated on this past event, and in the meantime, I was only hurting myself.  I suffered such tremendous physical, and emotional pain because I felt so wronged and cheated.  It was time to move on do something for myself, and so I did.  I forgave him.

We don’t have to forgive in person either.  It is perfectly okay to write a letter, getting everything out on paper, and then shred or burn the note.  It’s even okay to forgive in spirit, where you simply decide all is forgiven, and you’re deciding to move on.  That’s what I did.  Forgiveness is about energy and mindset, so however you decide to forgive, as long as it’s okay with you, it’s okay to do it the way you wish.

To forgive doesn’t mean you’re weak.  To forgive is a sign of strength, where you take a stand and stand up for yourself.  To forgive is to believe in the best possible version of you.  Forgiveness is one hundred percent an act of love for yourself, and a huge step forward to living your life with purpose, positivity, and on your own terms.  To forgive is to love.  And best of all, that love is directed toward yourself.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/27630470@N03/4333784680

As a parent, it seems every weekday morning I find myself dancing along a “spectrum” of emotions, anywhere from giddy and excited to downright angry and frustrated.  It’s like riding a rainbow of feelings every morning!

But I really dislike anger.  It’s ugly.  It’s an emotion that can arise more quickly than I am able to prepare for its arrival, and it brings along with it a wrath like no other, leaving hurtful words and actions in its wake.  As I’ve made attempts to be more mindful of my words and actions, anger has only left me increasingly frustrated because I can see it coming, I can see it erupting, and then I can see the hurtful results in the end.  The most frustrating part about it for me is that even though I see it coming and going, I find myself “locked” into it and I can’t shake it until it’s over.  I know I am experiencing it, yet I struggle with stopping it before it completely unfolds.

But, in retrospect, as I reflect upon the arrival and departure of anger after the fact, I have found myself asking, “What is anger, really?”  What is this emotion?  And, more importantly, where does it come from?

In my book, Rise Above Criticism, Negativity, and Conflict, I dive into the origin of negative emotions.  I explore the core principles of nonviolent communication, where we learn that negative emotions simply arise from an inability to meet one’s own needs.  And, of course, the “wrath” that sometimes accompanies our negative emotions in the form of hurtful words or actions, is usually our “tragic,” yet inadequate attempt to ask others to help us meet our needs.

So, I get it — anger comes as a result of an unmet need.  But, what is “it” that we “need” which is actually leading to the anger?  To me, this is the core question which will reveal the true nature of anger and help us understand what we can do to actually overcome it and (hopefully) eliminate it from our “arsenal” of emotions to make our lives and the lives of others more wonderful.

As I’ve taken the time to reflect upon this, I’ve arrived at the conclusion that anger arises when our expectations of an outcome that we desire are not met.  Anger comes along when we want and expect a certain outcome, but we then realize that the outcome will either not be realized, or there is the possibility of that outcome not materializing.  When we make this realization, anger rears its ugly head.

Based on this determination, anger comes from clinging to an expectation.  If we can eliminate the expectation, we can eliminate the anger.  However, eliminating expectation is not an easy task for any of us, especially when we’ve been conditioned to set goals and create visions of what we would like the future to hold for us.  After all, successful people are the ones who establish goals and create vision boards and then work tirelessly to make it all happen.  So, when does a person decide that their ambitions and expectations are doing more harm than good?

Here’s where we all need to do our part and reflect mindfully on our own source of anger.  We need to take some time to think about where anger arises in our own lives and determine where that expectation resides, and what is its source.

For example, when I get angry as I’m trying to get my girls out of the house to get to school on time, my expectation to be out the door by a certain time on the clock is my hangup.  I’m expecting to leave by that time, and if I don’t leave at that time, or events are transpiring which are making it obvious to me that we may not make it out of the house at that time, that’s when the anger arises for me.

I realize that the anger is directed at something that is predicated upon the actions and behaviors of my daughters.  I have little control, other than my cheerleading and encouragement to keep moving forward and to keep getting ready.  Sometimes that lack of control leads to frustration too.

So, what can we do when we realize that anger is coming as a result of expectation, and specifically, the expectation we hold which is not being met?  We can start by ditching the expectation and replacing it with understanding.

What is understanding?  For me, understanding is being mindful and empathic.  Being mindful includes being totally aware of what is unfolding, realizing that things are unfolding because that’s the way it is happening, and being indifferent and unattached to an “idea” of how things “should” happen.  There is no “should.”  There is only what “is.”

Understanding in the form of empathy brings along with it an understanding of what is happening in the lives of other people.  When I am empathic, I put myself into my daughter’s shoes (figuratively, not literally, of course) and think about how they may be tired, or how they may not be really into going to school that day.  Maybe there’s a social situation that is on their minds and that’s occupying their thoughts.  Perhaps they’re not feeling well.  There’s a myriad of things that could be occurring that I am missing when I am fixated on meeting my own expectations and neglecting what’s happening in real time with my family members in the morning.

While it’s not an easy task, at least it’s an understandable and reasonable undertaking here.  I know that anger comes from clinging to an expectation — our expectation.  When I can eliminate expectation, and replace it with understanding in the form of mindfulness and empathy, I can not only see how I can overcome anger but also replace it with a much softer and more loving approach that benefits not only me but those I love and care about.

Do you have opportunities where you can inject more understanding into your life?  Can you think of ways that you can be more mindful of what is transpiring at the present moment, and can you be more empathic and understanding of the situations in which others may find themselves, which is contributing to their actions and behaviors?

Perhaps if we all can make a more conscious effort to be more understanding when the opportunities arise, we can all make this world a much less angry and a much more loving place to live in, and we can serve as a positive example for others to follow.  While it’s not easy, if we can expect less and understand more, we can bring to those around us a version of ourselves that motivates and empowers those we love and care about.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/aigle_dore/15136545574

I’ve meditated in some way, shape, and form for the past five years.  To be honest, when I started meditating, I wasn’t all that sure of what I was doing, but I figured that anything I tried was better than nothing.

One of the most difficult things about meditation, in my opinion, is that it takes a bit of work at the beginning, and you don’t see a lot of return on that investment of time and effort.  Someone had used the analogy of putting a drop of red food coloring in a bathtub full of water.  One drop, two drops, and three drops make absolutely no difference in the color of the water in the tub.  However, drop after drop, if you keep adding drops of red food coloring to that water, you’ll begin to see changes in the color of the water.

As I’ve really put in the time and effort over the past year to establish a regular meditation practice and routine for myself, I’ve really noticed some differences, and some of them have been pretty surprising.  So, on the off-chance that you have started on your own meditation path, or whether you’re considering establishing your own meditation routine, I wanted to share with you the eight biggest surprises that I’ve discovered through meditation.

My blood pressure has dropped

I used to struggle with elevated blood pressure.  I know it came from mentally pushing myself to achieve, achieve, and achieve.  While I know it’s good to have goals and ambitions, I also know to pursue them at the expense of your well-being is not wise.  Meditation has helped me relax and relieve the self-pressure I’ve applied over the past five years, and I’ve seen my blood pressure drop as a result.

My heart rate has decreased

Related to the point above, my resting heart rate usually is below 60.  I am physically active as well, and I know that physical health contributes to lower resting heart rates, but I’ve been active for well over ten years now, but I don’t recall consistently having a resting heart rate that low.  Since I’ve “upped” my meditation practice, I’ve lowered my resting heart rate.

I need fewer “things”

One of the great benefits of meditation is building a sense of awareness.  If you want to call it an awareness of the self, the non-self, the universe, or whatever you want to call it, I’ve benefitted from it nonetheless.  I’ve noticed that I don’t get caught up in materialism.  I don’t really care what other people have.  I don’t need to have the latest gadgets or devices.  Does that mean that I completely cut out the “creature comforts” of life?  Absolutely not.  However, I can safely say I am much more selective when it comes to deciding whether I really “need” something.  I’ve noticed that I have found that I can live better with less.

I realized how insignificant some things are

Piggy-backing off of the observation above, with increased awareness I’ve been able to put some things into perspective, and realize that some of the things that people get worked up over are not really “big” things.  In the grand scheme of things, it’s not significant, and if we stop paying attention to these things, they’ll go away.  Some problems are perpetuated only by people talking about them.  A breakthrough moment came to me last year when I was walking alone in the woods.  I was thinking about all the things that were bothering me, and I thought, “Does this matter to the trees in this woods?  Does it affect the woodland creatures that live here?  Do they care?”  I realized those things that were such a big deal to me were of absolutely no significance to the living things in the woods.  I felt very small, and my concerns were so much smaller still.  I realized right then and there that things aren’t as important as I believed them to be.  Meditation has helped me to realize how unimportant and insignificant some things are.

I’ve learned to let go of some things

Through increased awareness, I’ve realized that I had a hard time letting go of some things.  I’ve made large efforts toward letting go of the need to be in control and make decisions.  I’ve been working very hard on letting go of having the last word in a conversation.  I know there are more that I’ve let go of along the way, but no doubt as my meditation practice has improved and developed, I’ve become more aware, and I’ve let go of more things that I didn’t even realize I was attached to.

I have better control of my emotions

This has proven to be a huge benefit.  I’ve struggled my entire lifetime with keeping my emotions under control.  I’ve gotten so much better, but I’ve got so much more to go.  But, as long as I continue to meditate and build that awareness, I know I will continue to improve.  It’s gotten to the point now where in the moment of losing control of my emotions I am consciously aware, at the moment, that it’s happening.  The next step for me will be to stop immediately when that awareness comes.  I’m getting close, but I still have some room for improvement.

I am a happier person

Because of all the items mentioned above, I am much happier.  It’s amazing how much our attachment to certain things and our tendency to get caught up in unimportant and insignificant matters can get between us and our happiness.  The more aware I’ve become and the more I’ve been able to cut the unpleasant and unnecessary out of my life, the happier I get.  Life is good!

I look forward to meditating

This was the biggest surprise for me.  At the beginning, meditation felt like something I was “compelled” to do.  It was kind of like brushing teeth.  It’s not exactly fun to do, but if you do it, you’ll benefit from the practice.  That’s how meditation was for me.  I did it because I knew I could get some benefits out of it.  That really sounds selfish, doesn’t it?

What was surprising is that as I’ve really made an effort to do it consistently and deeply, I’ve enjoyed it more and more.  I actually look forward to being able to meditate, and when I can’t I feel like I’m missing out on something.  Meditation has become a joy to me, and it has become something that I eagerly anticipate.  And, it’s become a practice that I do for the betterment of this entire universe, and not only me.  I don’t do it for my own personal benefit, but when I do it I enjoy benefits in the way of feeling joy, love, compassion, and peace.

If you are interested in discovering what benefits you can get from meditation, but you don’t know where to start, feel free to contact me and let me know you’re looking for some help.  I’ll be happy to engage in a dialogue with you and help you find a meditation path that works well for you.

Meditation is a wonderful practice to engage in.  As you can see, there are many benefits to meditation, but you can’t experience those benefits just by reading about it or thinking about doing it.  I wish you the best as you consider or continue your own meditative practice and routine.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/aigle_dore/6225530793

Do you sometimes struggle to keep a positive mindset in the midst of negativity from others, or under circumstances that are less than ideal?

We all have a difficult time staying upbeat and positive, especially when we find ourselves in a situation that we didn’t expect, didn’t ask for.

When those times come that we struggle to keep that positive mentality, it’s then that we need to take some time to do a personal inventory of our own values and ideals.

You can do this right on the spot, but it’s even better if you can do some preparation ahead of time, so that you are ready when the time comes.

Try doing an “I am” exercise

This is a really quick exercise that you can do anytime and anywhere to re-focus and center in on your values and ideals.  All you need to do is grab a piece of paper and write the words “I am” at the top of the paper.

Next, just write words and phrases that describe your ideal self — your “best you” that you can think of.  For example, you may write “kind,” “loving,” “caring,” “good listener,” and other similar words and phrases.

After you’re done, just take a look at what you wrote down.  You just captured your values.  These are the ideals that you live by, and when you are living your life in alignment with these values, you are bringing your best to the world you live in.

Keep that list with you, and let those values and ideals be your guiding principles for the rest of your day, week, month, or even year.  You can do this again and again if you’d like, and in reality, the more you take time to do a personal inventory of your values and ideals the more readily they’ll come to your conscious awareness when you are challenged with a difficult situation or exposed to negativity coming from others, and you’re invited to participate!

The more you practice writing down your values, or running through them in your head, especially when you suspect that you may be walking into a negative or unfavorable situation, the more you will be prepared to maintain those values and ideals in the midst of your challenges.

If one of your values, for example, is “love,” then ask yourself how you can bring love to every interaction you have with another person throughout the day.  When someone criticizes another person in your presence, ask yourself how you can bring love to this situation to turn things around and make things more positive.

We all have values and ideals that, if we lived up to them and by them every moment of every day, would make this world a better place.  If you can make a regular practice and eventual habit of reviewing your values and ideals, you will be bringing your best version of yourself along with you no matter where you go, and you will definitely make a positive impact on those around you.

I really enjoying learning about the customs and traditions of the Native Americans.  As long as I can remember, the history and culture of these great people has fascinated me.  A few months ago I happened upon a website, which shared what they called the “Native American Code of Ethics.”  After reading through this code, I thought it was absolutely beautiful, and I wanted to share it with you, so that you can learn of it, be blessed to have come across, it and benefit from it as I have.

I can’t help but think that if we all lived up to this code of ethics this world would be a better place, and we would have much more enjoyable lives.

Apparently there are many “codes” out there.  If you do a simple search of “Native American Code of Ethics” you’ll find different varieties of codes of ethics, but they are in many ways very similar to each other.  This particular code that I will share with you comes from the website nativevillage.org, and they are sharing the code that originally appeared in a publication called the “Inner-Tribal Times” in October of 1994.

How well do you measure up to this “Code of Ethics?”

1. Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often. The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.

2. Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path. Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.

3. Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.

4. Treat the guests in your home with much consideration. Serve them the best food, give them the best bed and treat them with respect and honor.

5. Do not take what is not yours whether from a person, a community, the wilderness or from a culture. It was not earned nor given. It is not yours.

6. Respect all things that are placed upon this earth – whether it be people or plant.

7. Honor other people’s thoughts, wishes and words. Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them. Allow each person the right to personal expression.

8. Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative energy that you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you.

9. All persons make mistakes. And all mistakes can be forgiven.

10. Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit. Practice optimism.

11. Nature is not FOR us, it is a PART of us. They are part of your worldly family.

12. Children are the seeds of our future. Plant love in their hearts and water them with wisdom and life’s lessons. When they are grown, give them space to grow.

13. Avoid hurting the hearts of others. The poison of your pain will return to you.

14. Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the test of one’s will within this universe.

15. Keep yourself balanced. Your Mental self, Spiritual self, Emotional self, and Physical self – all need to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out the body to strengthen the mind. Grow rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.

16. Make conscious decisions as to who you will be and how you will react. Be responsible for your own actions.

17. Respect the privacy and personal space of others. Do not touch the personal property of others – especially sacred and religious objects. This is forbidden.

18. Be true to yourself first. You cannot nurture and help others if you cannot nurture and help yourself first.

19. Respect others religious beliefs. Do not force your belief on others.

20. Share your good fortune with others. Participate in charity.

I especially enjoyed numbers three, twelve, and fifteen.  There are also some on this list that are a struggle for me to live up to.

How about you?  Are there any that resonate with you?  How about those which are challenges?  If you’d like to share, please leave your comments below!

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/red11group/4758464068

It’s hard enough to have a conversation with another person and try to get them to understand exactly what you’re saying, but what can complicate matters further is when you are unknowingly injecting components that can actually cause a defensive reaction in another person.

Before we get to the major “reveal” of this article, however, I’d like to take some time to talk about the “two-headed monster” which frequently rears its “ugly heads,” so to speak, in many of our conversations with other people.  They slip into dialogue so easily that we don’t even know they’re there, but they can derail many a conversation and keep people stuck in conflict for so long that people can get to the point where they know there’s a conflict, but have no idea what began it all in the first place.

The two “heads” of the monster are “interpretations” and “diagnoses” of other people’s behaviors.  These are evaluative statements that are commonly rooted in speculation and conjecture, with very little, if any factual basis to them at all.  With the use of either of these “inflammatory agents,” you’re bound to not only offend others, but to perpetuate the cycle of conflict (or plant the seeds of such if you’re just beginning).

What do these “interpretations” and “diagnoses” sound like?  Here are some examples:

“He’s just trying to get out of doing work.”

“He’s just trying to cover his rear so he doesn’t get into trouble.”

“She likes to ‘butter up’ to people to get ‘on their good side,’ so that she can ‘use’ them later.”

“She has other people do ‘her dirty work.”

“He doesn’t like to give up control.”

“He’s just being defiant.”

What’s in common about all of these examples above?  For starters, they certainly don’t do anything to build a person up or speak positively about them.  There isn’t a lot of factual information dispensed either, is there?  Many of these statements are difficult, if not impossible to quantify or qualify.  For example, what exactly is “having someone do another’s dirty work?”  How do you define that exactly?

When we start to define (exactly) what something like “having someone do another’s dirty work” is, we’ll find that we can actually start to pick apart what the person is actually doing and state it in definable and understandable ways.  For example, we could say that “having someone do another’s dirty work” is to make an observation of something that one does not like, to communicate that to another person, and then to suggest the other person go to an authority figure to express displeasure over this, while at the same time the one who originally did not like it does not participate in talking to the authority figure about it.

It becomes clear that the use of interpretations and diagnoses function initially as conversational “short cuts,” allowing us to encapsulate what a person is doing without going into a long-winded description of what that person is doing.  It really takes a much longer time to define exactly what “having someone do another’s dirty work” is.

However, interpretations and diagnoses can also function as a vehicle for us apply moralistic judgments on the behavior of others; we use them to imply that the person is doing something “wrong.”  Try having a conversation with someone who starts out with the words, “you’re wrong,” and tell me how well things work out for you!  More often than not, the use of interpretations and diagnoses are utilized to speak of other people negatively, rather than positively.  A moralistic image of what is “right” or “just,” and what is “wrong” or “indefensible” is formed, and we let other people know how we feel about it through these interpretations or diagnoses.

Which brings me now to the one thing that common mistake that people make that leads to defensive reactions in others.  Not only do people use interpretations and diagnoses, they use them when speaking directly to the other person, through the use of two powerful (and very damaging) words:

“I think…”

It’s not necessarily those two words that lead to a majority of the problems we face, but rather the word or words that usually follow them.  They’re usually followed with “you” or “that you,” and then those words are usually followed with the diagnosis or interpretation.  It can play out like this:

“I think that you‘re just trying to get out of having to work on this project.”

“I think you‘re being unreasonable about all of this.”

“I think that you like to hear yourself talk.”

If you’ve ever tried saying something remotely similar to the statements above, you know all too well that the end result is usually an argument or ensuing conflict.  Whenever we tell someone what we think they’re doing, all we’re doing is speculating, interpreting, and diagnosing.  Even if our speculation turns out to be accurate, the use of interpretations and diagnoses are not tools that help us break down barriers and connect better with other people.  Instead, they show others how we are judging them and their actions, and how we believe that what they are doing is “wrong.”  If you’re looking for the quickest way to upset another person, just tell them how you’re right and they’re wrong.

So how can we overcome this?  The logical start is to stop judging what other people as “right” or “wrong.”  Let go of evaluating others.  Observe things as they are, for what they are.  Whether you agree with what they’re doing or not, your energy spent on being upset about how “wrong” the other person is rarely worth anything.  If what another person does bothers you, you’re far better off sharing how you feel about the situation (sad, frustrated, angry), tie it to what they did (in definable terms), and make a request of them to consider doing things differently.  If you come from the heart, and have a true, genuine desire to connect and seek the other person’s help, you will find that the conversation will be phenomenal, and will lead to a positive exchange and interaction that will leave you both better for having had it.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/93277085@N08/9277532430