If you’re human, you’ve had an encounter with someone who has rubbed you the wrong way.  Maybe it’s an annoying habit, or chronic negativity, or over-committing while under-delivering.  No matter what the personality trait, these annoyances can disrupt our peace and our workflow, and it can also seemingly suck the vital energy out of us, leaving us frustrated and exhausted, and no closer to a resolution of the issue.

What do you do when someone gets on your nerves?  After all, on the surface, we know that it’s not nice to not be nice to other people, and we also know that it’s a waste of time and energy to get hung up on how we feel about someone who annoys us in the first place.

Let’s start out by talking about what “annoyance” is.  The experience of annoyance arises from negative emotions.  These emotions may be anger, frustration, aggravation, impatience, or even resentment.  But we have to understand that when we experience these emotions we are allowing the activities and behaviors of other people to affect our inner environment.

Who controls your feelings?

After all, who makes you feel the way you feel?  If you are responding internally with “me,” you’re absolutely correct!  You are the one who makes you feel the way you feel.  But, then I will ask you — if you know that you are the one who makes you feel the way you feel, why are you allowing the actions and behaviors of others to affect the way you feel internally?  Why are you allowing the external to affect your internal?

We’ve all been there, and maybe you’re still there now.  You are allowing the behaviors of others to disrupt your ideal “you.”  If you’d do an inventory of your core values, chances are they would include values such as love, respect, kindness, and compassion.  And, when we act in alignment with those values, we satisfy them and therefore experience the positive emotions that come along with living in accordance with those values.

If you’re struggling to find a way past the annoyance from others who are disrupting your peace, I suggest that you focus on the act of disconnecting yourself from that other person and the emotional experience that accompanies your relationship with them.  This involves shifting from a perspective of allowing the external to affect your internal to one in which you arouse curiosity within regarding the needs and feelings of other people.  When you invoke curiosity, you employ empathy and compassion.  These are two core values which can provide you with the leverage you need to return to your own core values and re-instate your control over your own personal emotions and be unfettered by the actions and behaviors of other people who may have annoyed you up to this point.

When we arouse curiosity about others’ feelings and needs, we seek to establish a relationship between the two.  After all, feelings are connected to needs.  If we need something and we don’t get it, it results in a negative feeling.  The end result is that usually there is an unpleasant or unwelcome behavior that accompanies it.  This may be the very thing that we are observing in those who are getting under our skin or bothering us.

Two questions to ask

So when we observe that annoying behavior, the questions to ask are, “What is going on inside that person?” and, “Are they struggling to fulfill an internal need?”  You can even go beyond that and start to think of what a person may need.  Now you need to be cautious that these needs that you’re coming up with are actual needs and not interpretations.  An interpretation would be “they need to be right,” where a need would be “recognized as competent.”  The two on the surface may sound the same, but you can see that the interpretation employs the concept of “right/wrong,” whereas the other does not.  Try to keep needs as objective as possible.  If you’re struggling to come up with needs, the Center for Nonviolent Communication provides a comprehensive list that you can refer to for some assistance.

Once we begin to understand that the unpleasant behavior that we observe stems from what I would consider a “pain point,” meaning that they are struggling to have needs met, we become more compassionate and understanding of why they do what they do.  Now if you’re not closely related to that person, you can stop right there, and simply understand that their annoying behavior is caused by a non-fulfillment of their needs or values.  This is where the disconnect happens.  Once you do that, you are no longer tethered to their issues, and you restore your control of your own core values and realize that your happiness is not determined by external circumstances or factors.

However, if you do have a relationship with the other person, you can simply ask them what you can do to help them or help them feel better about what’s going on in their life.  You can alternatively share your observations and how it is impacting your ability to meet your own needs, and engage in a discussion toward a resolution of the difficult issue.

It doesn’t happen instantly, but taking that first step and acknowledging that you are in control of your emotions and attempting to disconnect your emotions from the actions and behaviors of others can be a crucial step in regaining your composure and inner peace in the midst of annoyance or frustration.  This is such an important step, and it’s frequently one that we don’t even consider, because we’re getting carried away in a negative emotional experience, and projecting the responsibility of our emotions onto another person.  This is not correct nor justified because we know that we, and we alone are responsible for the way we feel.

Two last things to consider:  Number one, people aren’t annoying on purpose.  The behavior stems from a deeper cause.  Number two, we may be an annoyance to other people and not even realize it.  Our behaviors and actions may be disrupting the peace of others, which is, in turn affecting your relationship with that person.  We’re hard pressed to find anyone in civilized society that is actually and intentionally attempting to disrupt the peace and well-being of other people.  We all are in this world, trying to do the best we can with what we have.  If we can all step back and realize that we’re all cut from the same cloth and going through this human experience all together, perhaps we will gain a valuable perspective that inserts a little more patience and understanding into our lives when it comes to interacting with other people, annoying as they may have seemed to us at one time.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/pedrosimoes7/34126109625

Believe it or not, we have tremendous control over our conversations with other people, in that we have the power to greatly influence how it ends.  But, in order to control how positive or negative a conversation becomes, we need to have awareness of the primary influencers that can either improve things or contribute to things taking a turn for the worst.

All it takes is some attention and focus from to make sure that you don’t fall into the typical pitfalls or traps that can sabotage an attempt to handle a conversation and keep it positive.  Pulling of the task of turning negative conversations into positive ones takes a keen awareness and presence found in master communicators.  If you want to know what they do, here is a blueprint you can follow to help you turn a those potentially negative conversations into positive ones.

Master communicators stay away from making assumptions about other people’s motives or behaviors

Whenever we tell someone what we think about what another is doing or how they’re handling a situation we can be headed for trouble.  All it takes is something like, “I think that you’re not taking this situation seriously enough” to make things difficult for you.  Here’s why:

When you start out with “I think,” you’re beginning with an opinion.  You’re interpreting their actions and behaviors and telling them what you have picked up based on what you’ve observed.  You may be correct in your diagnosis, but when you start with “I think,” and follow it with a “you” (or “you’re” in this case), you are making it about them, rather than focusing on what’s going on inside of you.  This can sound like an accusation to another.

As you finish the sentence with “seriously enough,” again, this is an opinion.  You’re opening yourself up to a debate.  How seriously is “seriously enough?”  And, what would someone have to do to show you that they are being the “just right,” amount of being serious, without being “too serious?”  Using “too” or “not enough” is based on opinion, and it’s a preference, but you are implying wrongness when you use those words because you’re saying that only you know the “just right” amount of seriousness necessary.

Master communicators try to see things from other perspectives

If we think that our way is the right way, or if we believe that we’re right and other people are wrong, this can lead to problems as well.  Many of the struggles I’ve seen with other people in simply getting along and understanding others is a failure to be empathic.  They don’t seem to be able (or willing) to consider what things may be like for the other person, or they spend little to no time being curious as to what it must be like to be in the situation in which another finds themselves.

Master communicators allow others to completely say what they have to say (or at least give them some time to speak and say something!)

Simply allowing another person the opportunity to finish a complete sentence or share their opinion or perspective can be a tremendous help and show respect for the other person.  Giving time in our own conversations for space so that another person can process and actually speak is a big help too.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve been part of conversations during which I was unable to share my perspective or even speak because the other person in the conversation was doing all the talking and not leaving any space or time for a reply or comment.  To try to overcome this yourself, depending on who is talking, after you or the other person is done completing a sentence or articulating a thought, blink your eyes twice in succession (one immediately followed by another) before speaking.  This gives the other person a small window to speak if they want to.

Master communicators speak only to observable, non-arguable facts

If someone rolled their eyes, shrugged their shoulders, and sighed, that’s what they did.  If you toss in an evaluation of those observations and ask why they are getting impatient, frustrated, upset, or even more egregious descriptions of their behavior, you’re setting yourself up for a defensive and non-productive response.  Even if they are all those things, your diagnosis doesn’t help.  If you would say, “I noticed you sighed just there.  What’s going on?” you are opening up to a conversation, rather than an argument about what the other person did (or did not do.

Master communicators listen for the “please”

People say “please” in the strangest ways.  Someone could be making fun of the size of your nose, and they could really be asking “could you please help me feel more secure about how I appear to others?”  If we can try to identify what a person’s “pain point” is, and what they are needing, you can “listen through” their sometimes not-so-nice words and find that they are really asking for you to help them.  The problem is that when others are asking “please” in a way that can offend or upset others, they’re pushing people away from themselves instead of making it desirable for others to actually help them.

Master communicators link feelings to needs or values

When you are listening to another person and what they are saying, try to figure out how they’re feeling at the moment.  Do you think they’re frustrated?  Angry?  Fearful?  And what is causing that feeling to emerge?  What is it that they value?

For example, if someone values their time, they may be complaining about how something is a waste of their time.  They are frustrated because they have a need to spend their time wisely and efficiently.  They are really asking “Could you please help me make wise and efficient use of my time?” but they are expressing their frustration in a way that can come across as a criticism or a complaint to others.

Master communicators ask for clarification

Once you’ve allowed the other person to express themselves completely, without interrupting, as you’ve tried to picture things from their perspective, and at the same time listening for the “please,” you may want to ask for clarification.  You may want to repeat what is their need or speak to their feelings, to see if they give verbal confirmation.  If you can identify their need, feeling, and rephrase their negatively expressed statements in a way that links the need to the feeling, you’ll make a positive connection, and the conversation will move in a positive direction.

The other person will know that you’re attempting to connect with them at the heart, and really understand what is going on.  Not only will they appreciate you listening to them, but they’ll also know that you’re trying to help them get whatever it is that they want, need, or value.

You could say something like, “I can really understand how it can be so frustrating when this information can be shared by an email, rather than having everyone sit in a meeting and listen to someone read the information off of a piece of paper.”  If you connect with that person, they’ll agree, and they will know you “get” them and what they’re trying to say.

Master communicators find a solution that meets needs or satisfies values of everyone

Finally, if you can connect on the feeling and the need, you can work with them to figure out a solution that works for them to meet their needs or help them get what they want or value.  You can ask them for their ideas or what they think would be a reasonable solution to this situation.  The idea is that this becomes a conversation where ideas and feelings and values are shared, so that everyone is heard and respected.  It’s important to take things to the next level, and also share your needs and values, especially if meeting another person’s needs seem mutually exclusive to you meeting yours.  That’s why…

Master communicators don’t forget their own needs and values

Remember that there doesn’t need to be a winner or loser in a conversation.  If you and the other person can really speak to the needs and values you both share, you will be able to continue the conversation until you get to a point where the needs and values of both are honored or met with a solution that works for everyone.  If you can only find a compromise, that means that the needs or values of one or more have not been met or recognized.

It’s possible for any potentially negative conversation to become a positive one, but it takes work.  It takes listening power, respect, time, space, and empathy.  As long as both people are willing to share from the heart, and as long as one person is able and willing to facilitate the exchange and guide it along, there should be no reason why the conversation shouldn’t end up with a positive outcome that works for all.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/cruzart/17037720877

When we think about loving other people, or just love in general, we may tend to believe that as long as we have love in our hearts, we are on the right path.  Because, after all, it is better to love than not to love, right?

While I agree that to love is better than not to love, not all “love” is the same.  I would actually suggest that some “types” of love may be somewhat counter-productive to our progress on the road to living happier and healthier.

A “selfish” love?

Now, you may be thinking what kind of love could actually be counter-productive, where I would even label it as a sort of “selfish” type of love.  Well, the ancient Greeks actually had sorted this out pretty well, defining six different types of love, all with different meanings and characteristics.

The first kind of love is called “eros.”  This kind of love is the fiery, passionate love that we generally associate with love in our movies and songs, and what we as a general society view as the love where we lose ourselves out of love for another person.  The ancient Greeks didn’t necessarily view this type of love as positive, because it was regarded as rather out of control and sort of dangerous, so to speak.

But, what is wrong with this raw, passionate, and fiery love?  Well, to say wrong is rather strong, in my opinion.  After all, it is usually what helps us find that special someone who may end up being “the one” we spend the rest of our lives with.  However, at the same time, this type of love is, well, rather selfish.

Psychologist Roger Callahan has written, “Romantic love is selfish!  When it comes to an authentic romantic relationship, it is your pleasure, and your happiness that’s the central base of emotion.  Lots of people believe that real love is total selflessness and a generous concern for someone else is really at its root.  As ‘nice’ as this may sound, it has nothing to do with romantic love.  A selfless romantic love is absurd.”

“Limerence”

Dorothy Tennov, a behavioral psychologist actually called this type of love “limerence,” which is defined as “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.”  Apparently, the typical life span of limerent feelings is between eighteen and thirty-six months.

Think about the typical love songs.  When you listen to a song about love, what is it really about?  It’s about the feelings of the person who is singing it.  The whole song is predicated on what the other person either does or doesn’t do which then either leads to positive or negative feelings of the singer.  The song is much about loving with the hope of reciprocation.  It’s very much about doing something for another person with the hope (and expectation) that they will follow up and do the same for the singer.  When they do, love is wonderful.  When they don’t, well, it’s a sad day and a sad song.

But not all is lost with “eros.”  It can often be a first stage of one’s relationship with another person.  What is important is that we move from eros to a “higher,” more refined stage of love, called “philia.”  This is a deeper type of friendship between “comrades,” where there is a deep loyalty to friends, and where concern for others trumps concern for self.  Not only do you sacrifice for them, but you also share your thoughts and emotions with them as well.  Those of you who have children may recognize a sub-category of philia called “storge,” which typically defines love between parent and child.

Moving on to other types of love

If you wish to keep going, there are other types of love, including “ludus,” which is a “playful” type of love, usually expressed between young children, or by adults in their flirtatious stages of a relationship.  There’s also “pragma,” which is a more deep type of love shared by those who are in long-standing relationships (and marriages).  This usually is defined by patience and tolerance for other viewpoints, consciously giving love rather than just wanting to receive it.

Finally, there are two other very important types of love — “agape” and “philautia.”  Agape is defined as a “selfless love.”  It is the love you have not for just one person, but for all people, including those you don’t even know.  C.S. Lewis referred to this as “gift love,” and some Buddhists call it “universal loving kindness.”  This type of can be lacking, especially as we constantly think about ourselves and our own self interests first, before we consider the interests of others.  However, this type of love, where we can look at others as “brothers and sisters” rather than strangers, is so important in us developing that “loving kindness” that can make a huge difference in not only our lives, but in the lives of others.  If we can spend more time practicing this “loving kindness” toward others, and simply be “friendly,” we will notice a huge impact not only on ourselves internally, but externally in our interactions with other people.

Love for self

The last type of love is equally important: “philautia.”  Philautia is a love for the self.  While this can be unhealthy if taken too far (narcissism and materialism), it is so beneficial if we keep it in the “healthy” range.  It is so important to love yourself.  If you can come to love yourself, it is so much easier to love others.  In the words of Aristotle, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.”  If we begin with love for ourselves, we can turn to others and extend to them love as well, without expectation of anything in return.

So, when you look at your relationships with those you love, do you love without expectation of reciprocation?  Do you love unconditionally, with a genuine concern for others and their well-being?  Do you respect other people’s points of view?  Can you look at others as brothers and sisters?  Are you genuinely “friendly” to everyone?  And, finally, do you love yourself unconditionally?

It’s not about “right or wrong” when it comes to the type of love we share with others.  It’s about being aware of why we love.  We don’t get anywhere when it’s only ourselves that we care about.  This world cannot become a better place if we don’t care for others, or if we don’t have a genuine desire to help one another.  When we can truly love in kindness and generosity, we can not only transform ourselves, but we can transform the world we live in as well.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/viktor_u/8316230145