The other day, I had the opportunity to “just be.”  I didn’t have anything pressing to do, and I had that rare opportunity when all my household chores and other responsibilities were taken care of.  Because I have the luxury of it being summer, I just walked out on the deck behind my house and just “was.”

And it felt a little bit “uncomfortable.”

At first, I had thoughts arising, trying to tell me that to “just be” is not a productive use of time.

“Is there something else I can be doing?” I thought.

“But, what should I do with this time?  Should I just ‘sit here?’ Can I just do that?  Is that okay?” was the next stream of thought that crossed my awareness.

But then, I just treated those thoughts the same way as I treated the sound of the wind through the trees and the sound of the birds singing in the distance.  I distanced myself from “perceiving” the thoughts as thoughts, and just treated them as the “sounds of the environment,” and the thoughts eventually subsided.  Heck, I finally had some time to “just be,” and I wasn’t going to squander that opportunity!

Then, I just started to open my awareness further.  I let the sounds around me just come to me.  I took a close look at the individual flowers in the flower box before me.  I looked at the leaves, and noted their colors, characteristics, shapes, and fragrances.  I just took it all in, without analysis, judgment, or critique.

I just “was.”  I allowed for things to just “happen.”  And I became okay with that.

Upon reflecting on this day, I realized that the initial encounter with silence, and “just being” brought about uncomfortable feelings.  I realized that to “just be” was not welcomed at first.

I began to think about how I could have been doing something else that is “more productive” with that precious time, and I would venture to guess some would define that feeling within as “guilt.”

Why?

Why do we feel uncomfortable with “just being,” and being silent?  Why do we believe we have to fill each moment of every day with some sort of activity, meaningful or not?  Why do we seek stimulation in the form of work, tasks, chores, events, and recreation?

Why is it not okay to “just be?”

My take on it is that we have become so conditioned to seek stimulation, because we have grown uncomfortable with silence.  And, my take is also that this is unfortunate.  Within silence, there is so much to be discovered.  There is so much that we just take for granted, don’t recognize, and don’t appreciate with our desire to stay busy and occupied.  There is also so much “internal” discoveries that lie buried, simply because we have grown uncomfortable with ourselves.

And, in my opinion, we’re missing out on so much when we don’t feel comfortable with ourselves.

We’ve become accustomed to filling our days with sound, activity, and occupation that we don’t take the time to be quiet and “hear” what we actually have to say.  And, I don’t mean the thoughts that come about when we’re quiet for two or three minutes before we succumb to all the “voices” in our heads that tell us about how upset we should be about what someone did or said, or how being silent is just “silly,” because it’s not going to reveal anything anyway.

I mean the thoughts that come to mind when we just sit there and tell that “noisy mind voice” that we’re not going to budge.  It’s those thoughts that come to mind when we allow those “noisy mind voices” to blend into the environmental noises that surround us.  It’s treating them like the hum of the refrigerator, the whisper of the wind, the birds tweeting in the distance, and the clock ticking on the wall.

When we can finally get quiet, beyond the initial “arguments” of our inner thoughts, we can then finally get a chance to be with our authentic selves.  We will finally come to meet our true loving, caring, compassionate self.

Who knows?  You may be surprised (and actually enjoy) who you meet!

A few months ago (when it was much colder) I did a video on the voice (and wisdom) of silence.  I invite you to watch it here.

Thoughts? Reflections?  Please respond below.  I’d love to read what comes to mind for you.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/aigle_dore/10876094015

I sure wish I would have known twelve or thirteen years ago what I have learned by now.  Back then I was right in the middle of the most challenging and trying years of my life.  Putting in well over twenty credits a trimester, I was immersed in the rigorous curriculum of chiropractic school.  Many people have equated going through that type of schooling with putting your mouth over a fire hydrant and turning it on.  You know you’re getting a lot, but you’re not sure what you’re really soaking up (no pun intended).

I battled anxiety and I was stressed out a lot.  It wasn’t unusual for us to have about a one to two-inch stack of papers to study for one exam, and then after finishing that exam, another exam one or two days later, which also had it’s own one to tw0-inch stack of papers to study!  All of our exams carried high consequences for failure too — if you failed one exam, you had to basically repeat the whole semester once again.  To say things were a bit “tense” would be an understatement!

Even though I have moved on (successfully) from that type of life and stress, there still are other stressors that I encounter on a regular basis, and I know you do too.  We all have commitments and responsibilities, and sometimes with those come stress and anxiety at times.  It’s hard to know what to do to get past those feelings.  It’s not easy.

One thing I have found is that if I can move out of my head and into my heart I can ease the emotions associated with stress and anxiety.  You see, when we get stressed, it activates the stress-responsive mechanism in our nervous and endocrine systems called the “HPA (hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal) axis.”  When this mechanism becomes activated, it calls for the release of a short-term stress hormone called “adrenaline” (also known as epinephrine) and the body becomes activated to either run from danger or fight for preservation of life.

The negative side effects of this mechanism when we are not facing life-threatening situations is that our heart rate increases, our breathing rate increases, our pupils dilate, and the blood is shunted from our digestive organs to our muscles.  We also cut off support of our body’s defenses, and so our immune system is weaker.

One great way to break this cascade of events is by staying present.  One of the easiest ways to stay present, according to Rick Hanson, author of Hardwiring Happiness,” is to be aware of the positive experiences when they occur, stay in them for about 20 to 30 seconds, and just take it all in for that time period.  Just focus on those positive feelings (I had the pleasure of interviewing Rick late last year, and if you’d like to hear his awesome interview, just click here).

I’ve found that when I practice what Rick suggests, I get a very warm feeling that seems to come from the area of my heart.  It’s a wonderful feeling.  Rick suggests that once you create that feeling and let it sink into you, you can always go back to it as a “reference point” when you need to.

The way I look at this, and ask you to try applying it, is that when you start to feel that overwhelm, stress, or anxiety, go back to that “anchor.”  Go back to that warm, loving, happy feeling in your heart.  Just concentrate on that positive feeling and let it sink in once again.  By focusing only on this positive feeling, you will move from the anxiety caused by focusing on the past and the future and simply remain in the present and the “now.”

Continue to focus on the positive feeling.  Feel it in your heart.  Let it warm you as you think of that wonderful experience.  Feel as that warmness calms you and brings you serenity and inner peace.

When you can move to your heart and enjoy the feelings of love and warmth and pleasure, you have a much better opportunity to find the calm and serenity you desire when you need it the most.

Give it a try, and let me know how it works for you!  I’d love to hear from you!

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/Ayla87

“It’s hard to communicate anything exactly and that’s why perfect relationships between people are difficult to find.”
~ Gustave Flaubert

I was asked to do a webinar for the National Wellness Institute next month (yay)!  I am thrilled to do it, and I am so happy to be preparing a topic that I just love to talk about — “Enhancing Wellness through Improved Communication.”  If you are interested in checking it out, just click the link I provided.

Communication is tricky business, because there are some things about communication that we do almost reflexively in our communications that we don’t realize.  Beyond that, there are things that we do in communication that actually can cause harm to other people, without our even realizing it too.

So, case in point — it brings me to a scenario that played out some time ago with two clients I worked with…They were a married couple who was just having a heck of a time getting through any sort of extended time together without it turning into some sort of argument or dispute.

So, I started asking some questions, and it seemed that all I could get from them are interpretations.  I heard phrases like, “I feel that they are so controlling,” and “I feel they’re trying to take advantage of me,” and “I feel pushed in the corner,” and “I think that they are trying to take me for a ride.”  These are all interpretations because of the way these phrases start out.

When we communicate effectively, we do talk about our feelings, but feelings are emotions.  Emotions are things like happy, sad, frustrated, angry, overjoyed, ecstatic, and so on.  They are a reflection of what is alive in us in the here and now, and nobody can debate our feelings.  It’s not like we can say, “I’m happy” and someone can argue that we’re not!

However, when it comes to interpretations, notice how we follow “I feel” with the word “that.”  The moment you put the “that” after the word “feel,” you are going to follow it with an interpretation, and now it’s up for debate.  When I say, “I feel you are controlling,” it’s up for debate, and it can be argued that the other person isn’t controlling.  When you start a statement using “I think,” then it also goes down the same road.

So, I got this couple to talk to me together at the same time over the phone.  We had to start chipping away at all of these interpretations, because it was causing so much friction every time one was used.  When an interpretation was dished out by one, the other would either deny it, try to clarify it, or just throw out a passive-aggressive statement like, “Sure, okay, whatever you say…I’m always wrong!”

We had to start to look for the facts.  What were the actual observable behaviors?  What were the words actually said?  When we could start to work on finding the facts of the scenarios, they were no longer debatable.  We also worked on the formula for formulating a conversation that leads to compassion and empathy for others.

We finally got to the point where we were able  to talk about the facts without interpretations.  Then, they talked about their feelings about what happened, and what it was that they needed but weren’t getting, which was reflected in the feeling.  Then, they would follow it up with a request.

What we found in this case is that they started talking more lovingly to each other, and they were more in tune with each others’ feelings and needs.  Their relationship started to blossom.  We sort of made up a rule, for the short term, that they could not talk about the past, and that they could only speak in a way that spoke to their common core value of love.  This was a temporary fix, mind you, because you need to talk through difficult issues, but it has to be done when emotions have come down a bit.

So, interpretations and diagnoses are killers when it comes to our communications.  When we interpret the words and actions of another and put it into words, all it leads to is a defensive reaction in others.  It’s up for debate, and it turns into an argument.  

When we speak from the true emotion that resides within us, we let others know what’s alive in us.  We let others know how they can help us, and we provide a clear explanation of what they can do to help us.  It just takes a bit of work, but if we can speak from true feelings and speak to the facts, we can dramatically improve our relationships and make life better for us and those around us.

When we can routinely speak to facts, and not interpretations, we open up a dialogue about who we are and what we feel and what we need.  We eliminate the defensiveness and negativity, and we can start to heal the relationship.

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/leovdworp

“Be positive in your thoughts, passionate in your words and purposeful in your actions. Clean thoughts, Cool words and Clear actions are the impressions that appeal to success.” ~Israelmore Ayivor

I was working with a client who was in a bit of a predicament.  Someone my client knew had a beef with them about something.  She thought the issue was resolved until my client’s friend posted their “beef” on Facebook.  A mutual friend on Facebook to my client had brought the post to her attention.  It was one of those “Oh no they didn’t” moments, and my client quickly called the Facebook poster and asked them to call her back, but (thankfully) didn’t say what the topic of the phone call was.

Fortunately, I had the opportunity to step in before the phone call came from the Facebook poster, and I was able to help manage the situation, before it turned into a mess.  It was clear that there were some options on how to deal with this issue.  One clear option was to basically air it out, and mention that the post was seen, and then ask that if future “beefs” are lingering if it were possible to discuss it, person to person, in the future, instead of posting it on Facebook.  This was the desired strategy of my client.

It seems, on the surface, to be a workable option.  However, usually “beefs” that are publicly aired on Facebook are one sided, because the one who posts the note on Facebook portrays the situation through the interpretations of their own eyes.  What complicates the matter is when friends of the Facebook poster “pile on” with their proverbial comments in response to the post like, “That’s so terrible,” and “That person should be ashamed,” and so forth.  What really complicates the matter is when the “subject” of the “beef” is able to go on to this Facebook poster’s wall and actually see the post and the responses.  That’s what happened here.  Do you really think a “could you discuss it with me in the future first” approach will be calm and collected?  Me neither.

My thought was that to “air it out” and purport that Facebook isn’t the way to go would imply a certain wrongness.  Disagreeing with an approach and implying wrongness are two very different things in my book.  If I were to say, “You’re wrong,” what would you have the opportunity to do?  You would have the opportunity to “argue” or “dispute” my implication of wrongness.  Do you think that defensiveness may start to set in?  Me too.

So, we had a potential pickle on our hands.  How do we now answer this phone call when it comes?  How do we diffuse the situation, eliminate the opportunity for defensiveness, and reach a peaceful resolution?  Well, that’s what I do!  I was glad to help.

Here’s what I said, “If you have the opportunity to paint a picture of the type of person you are, hold the brush, and paint that picture the way you want to paint it.”  In other words, we are always able to paint an impression of the type of person we are in the eyes of others.

What would my client choose?  Does she want to paint a picture of a “Facebook-stalking,”  “witch-hunting” individual?  I pointed out that the Facebook post was posted several days earlier.  To mention the post now would either mean that my client saw the post right when it came out, and then stewed over it for several days, or, that they heard about the post from someone else and then went looking for it.  Either way, the picture painted by going this “air it out” route would be doomed to fail, in my opinion.

I asked, “What kind of picture do you want to paint of yourself?  Do you want to paint a “hunting” picture, or do you want to paint a picture of a friend who is caring, kind, considerate, compassionate, and willing to do whatever you can to make life better for others?  Trust me, it wasn’t a hard decision for my client to make.

So, when the phone call came, my client just asked if everything was going okay, and if they needed anything.  My client added that they were always available to talk if they needed anything or if they wanted to talk.  The conversation continued, but at all times my client stayed on the “high ground,” continually pushing kindness and compassion and love outward toward her friend.  The conversation transpired beautifully, with a peaceful resolution and no further problems (or Facebook posts).

If there is a picture to be painted, hold the brush.  Don’t give others the opportunity to paint a picture of you that you don’t want painted.  Don’t allow others to paint a picture of you that portrays you in a light you don’t prefer or care for.  Grab that brush.  Paint a picture of yourself in colors of kindness, compassion, love, caring, empathy, and patience.  Let those true colors of yours shine through.  After all, you are the masterpiece.

Photo source: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/Keeandra

No doubt we’ve all told ourselves something along these lines:

“I’m so stupid.  Why did I do that?”

“I am such an idiot!”

“I can’t believe I did something like that.”

“I’m so foolish.”

Why do we put ourselves in a position of judging ourselves, and then putting ourselves through the mental anguish of thinking that we’re deserving of punishment?

The reason for this is because this is what we have been conditioned to do all of our lives, since young on.  Since we were children, we were told what was “right” and what was “wrong.”  And, if we did something “wrong,” we were conditioned to say, “I’m sorry,” to try to do penitence for the wrong we committed.

When we look at the world through the lens of “who’s right?” there has to be a wrong.  Is there really a right or a wrong, or is there just judgment of what we believe to be right or wrong?  Instead of playing the game of “who’s right?” why can’t we play the game of “it doesn’t really matter, because right versus wrong is just judgment?”  Why can’t we just play the game of “let’s get in touch with what’s alive in us?”

By getting in touch with our feelings and needs, we can go a long way in repairing the damage done from the self-damage we have inflicted upon ourselves all these years.  Instead of beating ourselves up about how “wrong” we are and convincing ourselves that we “deserve” punishment for committing a wrong act, give this a shot as an alternative:

• State what happened to yourself.  State what the situation was.
• Identify the feeling that was generated when the situation occurred (sad, frustrated, angry, etc.).
• Identify what need there was that wasn’t met, or where you came up short.
• Identify an alternative action for the future that will help you meet the need next time around.

So, for example, I could say, “When I was dishonest with my friend, I felt sad, because I need to know that I can be honest to myself and to others.  Next time, I am going to make sure that I speak out of honesty to honor my friend and myself, so that I can meet my need of being honest.

There, that’s it.  There’s no right or wrong.  There’s just that action of getting in touch with one’s feelings and seeking out what’s alive in us in the here and now.  In my opinion, it’s preferable to the alternative and conditioned response we’ve all become far too familiar with all along.

Give it a shot, and see how you feel.  Let me know what you think!

Photo source: freedigitalphotos.net