How you can use attention to decrease stress and overwhelm

It’s very easy when you are busy to let the pressure of getting things done (or not getting things done) to cause overwhelm and anxiety. It’s that idea that there are “always things to do” that perpetually leaves us with an unending list and reminder that our work is never done.

We seek an escape from this relentless pressure to perform. We try to find relief by seeking activities which are pleasurable and fun, but despite our best efforts, we still can find ourselves running from pleasure to pleasure and again feel that same “chasing after things” feeling. We end up right back where we started, realizing that we’re too busy!

Struggling to find balance

The challenge of finding balance between our work and home is very real and very difficult. And the more we seek balance, the more stress it can place upon us. You may be reading this, by now asking yourself, “Just what doesn’t cause stress and overwhelm? Everything causes overwhelm!”

Presence is the key

You see, simply striving for things is the cause of unpleasantness. Having a list of things can cause us to be less than happy if we allow the idea of us failing to check everything off our list to be a reminder of our failures or unmet objectives.

Whenever we set ourselves up to have to perform to a certain standard, or accomplish a certain task, only to not meet that objective, we are setting the stages for stress and overwhelm. For example, if we strive to send out thirty thank-you cards by the end of the day, yet fail to do so, that in itself can be a stressor.

It’s the failure to accomplish what we desire that is the source of pain. It is the unmet objective. It’s the reminder that we’ve failed to deliver for high performers that is the source of stress. There is a very real solution to this problem, and it comes from simply using presence as you live your life.

What is presence?

Presence simply is the act of deliberately attending to whatever you are doing at the present moment — that’s it. Whether it’s washing the dishes, typing an email, folding laundry, working to accomplish a “to-do” on a list, or anything else, presence is simply being 100 percent in the moment and engrossed in the present moment.

The reason this works is because you are not thinking about what else is on your list of “to-dos.” You are not focusing on what you didn’t accomplish in the past. You’re not worrying about the future, as it has not yet arrived. When you are engrossed in the present, the only thing that matters is now.

The reality is that this is 100 percent true anyway. There is no past or future — just the now. It’s just that we spend our moments in time travel, worrying about the next ten things we need to do, or reminding ourselves of the last ten failures to deliver on our promises to ourselves, thereby robbing us of the wonderful present moment. In reality, the present is all that exists.

Your mind can only handle one thing at a time. No matter how hard you try, your attention can only be fully placed on one thing in the present moment. The stress and overwhelm comes when you mentally try to juggle multiple things at one time.

How you can put this to practice

Lists are great

We can only do one thing at a time. Write a list of all the things you wish to accomplish. If you want to make this even more powerful, write down six items you wish to complete tomorrow — write them down before you go to bed. Then, one at a time, complete those items the next day. Do one at a time, and only begin the second item after the first is completed, and so forth.

Hand off the overload

Some people find it helpful to take a full inventory of all the things they would like to accomplish, and then realize the improbability of doing it all on their own. Let’s face it — it’s unlikely that we mere mortals can do everything.

Why not divide your list of things to do into two columns? Make one column the things you are going to work on, and then make the other column with items that you know you can’t get to in the near future, but you are giving it up to the “universe” or God, or whatever supernatural presence that is way above and beyond you as far as capability of making things happen.

You’re not going to do it anyway, so why not give it up to a higher power? At least then you have a chance of it happening outside of your own physical doing!

When we find the ability to simply remain in the present moment, we will harness the power it possesses — the calm, the focus, the efficiency, and more. Presence is more than a practice — it’s a tool that we can use every moment of every day to capture the best we have to offer the world we live in.

Why should we continue to agonize over what we need to do? Why not simply choose one thing to focus on, and then see it through, fully engrossed in its beauty, until it is completed? Then, we get to live the wonderful experience again, simply by choosing yet another thing for which we can be present, and do it all over again.

Presence is a gift we can give ourselves, and it is so simple to practice, and so wonderful to experience. Today’s a great day to start.

One of the biggest challenges we face is having a conscious control over our emotions and our responses to what takes place either internally or externally.  In other words, a major challenge is actually being the way we ideally view ourselves, unshaken and uninfluenced by the things that come along the way in our lives.

Because, let’s face it – we know we want to be more loving, compassionate, and kind but there are events that come along that pull us from those ideal states of being.  We experience frustration, fear, and confusion, among other things, and the emotional experience then pulls us along a path of reaction that does not embody or represent us at our best, exuding love, compassion, and kindness.

So I was asked this the other day: “Just how do we keep our emotions from getting the best of us?”

Awareness is the key to overcoming emotionalism

My response was a suggestion of increased awareness of our emotional experiences.  That’s a great starting point.  It is not the end, by all means, but when we’re looking for any way to get started on having a better handle on our emotional disposition and responses, it’s better than nothing.

The problem with negative emotions is that they are tethered to a need or desire.  A negative emotion is a signal that a desire was not met, or that our preferred progression of events did not unfold as we’d like.  For example, if we want to be on time, but events transpire that lead us to be late, we experience frustration.  The negative emotion had arisen from the desire to be on time, but that didn’t happen, thus the frustration results.

Logic would tell us that we just need to retrace our steps, and I would agree.  The end of the trail is the frustration.  What caused the frustration?  The need to be on time?  What is the cause for the need to be on time?  The answer to that will provide us with the information we’re looking for.

This is where simple awareness can be invaluable for us.  Being aware of the things that are triggering our emotional responses can be paramount to stopping the cascade of events that results in us deviating from an ideal version of ourselves.  This deviation alone can be the cause of further frustration and angst.  So having a clear awareness of what is starting us on the path toward a negative emotion or an emotional response we don’t prefer is the key to overcoming emotionalism.

If your child’s inability to find their shoes in a timely manner was the reason you were late, and you don’t want to be late, your negative emotions are indirectly arising from your child’s lack of timeliness; this lack of timeliness resulted in you not meeting your desire to be on time.  Gaining awareness of this leads us to further inquiry (and awareness).  Next, for example, you could simply ask yourself why it is important for you to be on time?  This will lead to awareness of another aspect of this situation.  Further, you could ask yourself why you need to be attached to that idea of being on time.

Peeling away the layers

It’s sort of like peeling an onion, starting at the surface, and then digging deeper and asking, “Why, why, why?”  Why are you frustrated?  Why do you have the need?  Why can’t you let go of the need?  Why is it important for you to have this need?  The answers to this question will lead you to increased awareness of the situation and put you on the path to dissolving the emotional response.

Finally, one thing you can easily do to also increase your awareness is to detach yourself from the first-person experience of the emotion itself as it is happening.  I would suggest its something akin to watching the event as if it’s on a movie screen rather than through your own eyes in your own body.

If it’s fear you’re experiencing, for example, picture the emotion of fear as a leaf or a log floating on the surface of a river.  The log approaches, passes before you, and then moves away from you as it travels along the river.  If you can visualize that emotion doing the same thing: approaching, passing before you, and then moving away from you, as an object not attached to you, you will find that your own response to the emotion is very different and more manageable.

After the experience passes you then have the opportunity to start peeling away, and asking those “why” questions to help you should that set of circumstances arises in the future.

Awareness is a powerful, yet frequently overlooked tool that we have at our disposal every day and every moment.  Perhaps trying to introduce this tool to your life, especially after having a negative emotional experience, would greatly enhance your life and provide you with the control you would enjoy having over your emotions so that you can share your love, kindness, and compassion with those around you the way you’d prefer.

Photo by Simon Migaj on Unsplash

We all experience pain in its many forms.  Whether it’s physical pain, sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment, shock, confusion, or worry, we’ve come to know pain as an unwelcome guest in our lives.  Pain can frequently visit us in its many versions, as it can pave the way for sleepless nights, arguments, stress, anxiety, or other unpleasant side effects.

But what is pain, really?  What does pain truly represent and mean to us?  When we begin to investigate the nature of pain and its source, we can come to terms with its properties and value to us and see it for what it really is.

Pain provides us with awareness

While we may tend to share the opinion that pain is undesirable, the reality is that pain is neither good nor bad, or desirable or undesirable.  It just is.  When we experience physical pain, we are obviously made aware of physical damage or distress somewhere in or on the body.  Likewise, if we can realize that pain in its other forms, such as sadness or anger, has the capacity to shine a light on an aspect of our life that leads to personal discovery, pain can be a powerful feedback mechanism.  The key to allowing the pain to serve as a feedback mechanism is to dive deeper than the superficial experience of the pain.  While you may feel sadness, you may not be taking the opportunity to really experience it on its many levels and understand what it really is to you.

Pain resides in our passion

Diving deeper with an inquiry into our pain can provide much insight as to why we are experiencing it in the first place.  This provides us with an opportunity to go below the superficial experience of the pain and really gain an understanding of its source.  Upon further investigation, you may come to realize that pain resides in our passion.  When we care so deeply about something, such as being accepted by others, having peace in the world, or kindness between people, if we see a contradiction to or violation of that ideal it causes pain.  For example, if I was passionate about keeping my house clean, and someone comes into my house and makes a mess, I will experience the pain of frustration, anger, resentment, or even sadness.  Because my passion is cleanliness, but I see a contradiction, I experience pain.

Our natural painkiller – Indifference

With the understanding that pain provides us with awareness, and that awareness leads us to discover the passion behind the pain, we can move to resolving it within us.  The long and the short of it is that we can eliminate the pain through indifference, although in practice this is not so easy and takes time and patience.  However, if you can simply develop the awareness of the source of the pain, this is an important step in moving forward along the process of removing the pain from your life.

I suggest that you first find something else in your life about which you are indifferent.  For me, for example, I would say that I am indifferent about NASCAR.  How do I know I’m indifferent about it?  I know because I don’t care about who the drivers are, what races they’re in, when the races are, or who wins.  I have absolutely no interest in the sport, its competitors, or outcome.

Once you find something that you are indifferent about, you can examine the experience of indifference.  Take time to learn what indifference feels like to you, and how it creates a sense of ease and subtle strength.  When you are indifferent you are not affected by an outcome and you feel unattached.

After you have had some time to spend in that indifference, it’s time to return to your passion.  Now you can spend time in the process of inquiry, asking yourself just why this is a passion to you and why it is so important to you to maintain this passion.  Only you can answer these questions, and only you know what your next steps will be.  Sometimes simply understanding the nature of the pain and its source provides comfort and relief of the pain when it comes.  Awareness alone has the capacity to soothe and heal.

The bottom line is that pain is not necessarily bad or undesirable.  It’s something that leads to our awareness if we take the time to understand it.  That awareness can lead us on a path toward the elimination of the pain if we can come to understand the passion in which our pain resides.  Through meditation and contemplation, you can uncover the nature of your pain and its source and determine what the next steps are for you.  Understanding our pain is a journey, but on that path, you may transcend it to experience peace.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/practicalcures/22784724783

Do you sometimes struggle to keep a positive mindset in the midst of negativity from others, or under circumstances that are less than ideal?

We all have a difficult time staying upbeat and positive, especially when we find ourselves in a situation that we didn’t expect, didn’t ask for.

When those times come that we struggle to keep that positive mentality, it’s then that we need to take some time to do a personal inventory of our own values and ideals.

You can do this right on the spot, but it’s even better if you can do some preparation ahead of time, so that you are ready when the time comes.

Try doing an “I am” exercise

This is a really quick exercise that you can do anytime and anywhere to re-focus and center in on your values and ideals.  All you need to do is grab a piece of paper and write the words “I am” at the top of the paper.

Next, just write words and phrases that describe your ideal self — your “best you” that you can think of.  For example, you may write “kind,” “loving,” “caring,” “good listener,” and other similar words and phrases.

After you’re done, just take a look at what you wrote down.  You just captured your values.  These are the ideals that you live by, and when you are living your life in alignment with these values, you are bringing your best to the world you live in.

Keep that list with you, and let those values and ideals be your guiding principles for the rest of your day, week, month, or even year.  You can do this again and again if you’d like, and in reality, the more you take time to do a personal inventory of your values and ideals the more readily they’ll come to your conscious awareness when you are challenged with a difficult situation or exposed to negativity coming from others, and you’re invited to participate!

The more you practice writing down your values, or running through them in your head, especially when you suspect that you may be walking into a negative or unfavorable situation, the more you will be prepared to maintain those values and ideals in the midst of your challenges.

If one of your values, for example, is “love,” then ask yourself how you can bring love to every interaction you have with another person throughout the day.  When someone criticizes another person in your presence, ask yourself how you can bring love to this situation to turn things around and make things more positive.

We all have values and ideals that, if we lived up to them and by them every moment of every day, would make this world a better place.  If you can make a regular practice and eventual habit of reviewing your values and ideals, you will be bringing your best version of yourself along with you no matter where you go, and you will definitely make a positive impact on those around you.

No doubt you’ve been told somewhere, sometime in your life to “be happy,” or to “just be positive,” or to “be” something as long as it’s not negative or undesirable.

Given that we’ve all had that experience (some much more so than others), let me ask you this:

How exactly do you “be” happy?

Ever think about that?

How can you “be” a state of emotion?  How can you “be” a state of being?

If you’ve got it figured out, and I am missing something, please let me know, because I keep coming at this from many different angles, and I struggle to understand.

Because, for me, to “be” something means that I have to first quantify what it is that’s alive in me.  What does “happy” look like for me?  Is is something I “am?”  Because if happiness was “what” I was, then I could see how it would be easy to “be” something that I “am.”

But it doesn’t work that way for me.  An emotion is a reflection or a signal to me that I am satisfying a need that I have or an indication that I am “doing” something that is in alignment with my values.  When I experience a positive emotion I know that I am getting what I need and living my values.  When I experience a negative emotion, I know that I’m not getting something, or I am misaligned in comparison to my core values.

So perhaps what we could work on is “doing” something that we know will generate a positive emotion, instead of trying to “be” happy or cheerful or whatever.

Because, after all, what I do to generate positive emotions in me may generate the exact opposite type of emotion in you.

So, while some of you may still be told to get busy “being” something, maybe we can master our interpretive skills and hear them say something different.

Maybe when someone says “be positive,” they’re really saying, “I am anxious when I see your arms crossed and unsmiling face because I have a need for cooperation and harmony.  Would you please tell me what’s going on and what you’re thinking?”

Perhaps that’s it.  Perhaps the other person is in pain, and their instructions to “be” something is actually a request from them, asking you to alleviate the pain.

It’s possible.  Well, at least that’s my best explanation for making sense out of why we are being told to “be” something, as if asking someone to “be” something is an all-inclusive, universally (and easily) defined demand that anyone and everyone can (and should) do.

So, while others may continue to focus on alleviating their pain by telling us what to “be,” I’m going to focus on improving my listening skills, and try to figure out exactly what is causing their pain, and work on actually “doing” something that will generate more preferred emotions.  It sure beats trying to figure out how to “be” something.

The next time someone tells you to “just be positive,” perhaps you can give to them through your listening, and help them alleviate their pain.  After all, if they want you to “be positive,” it’s probably a great clue as to what they really want, but are not getting.  See?  It’s not that hard to become a sharper listener after all.  They’re practically handing it to you.

Let’s “be” better listeners.  No — scratch that. (Did you catch it?)  Let’s “listen to hear other people’s pain” and help them experience life in a more wonderful way.  Let’s all be wonderful, okay? (I did it again!)  Let’s all do things that help make this a more wonderful world.  Okay, enough said.  I’m done.

 

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/krayker/4312985916

One of my absolute favorite places to be is right in the middle of a forest.  I love being surrounded by nothing but nature, immersed in the sounds of the wind blowing through the leaves of the trees, the singing of the birds, and the sounds of the animals as they scurry about through the leaves and up the trees.

It’s my haven; it’s my eden.  It’s my place of calm and serenity.  It’s where I love to be whenever I can get there, and it is a place where I feel grounded, at peace, and a place where I can become very clear.

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity on a beautiful day to make my way to a local nature center, which features a lengthy walking path through the woods.  Along the way, I took my time and just took in the sounds, smells, and other sensations.

As I made my way to one of the thickest areas of the forest, I stopped, listened, and observed.  I began to think about a lot of things that people spend their time concerned with, such as what’s being reported on in the news, what’s going on in sports, what’s going on at work, and other things in which people consume their thoughts and affairs.

Finally, amidst it all, one question popped into my head, as I stood there, listening and observing:

“How much does it really matter?”

How much do those birds care about what’s going on in sports?  Do the squirrels have a care about the individual or collective problems we face?  What do the trees have to say about it?  How much does does that really matter right here, right now, in this forest?

When I took the time to think about it through this perspective, it was extremely pacifying and calming.  It also provided a moment of levity, as I realized that sometimes the things that we get caught up in, in a much different and larger perspective, really don’t matter as much as we think they do when we are completely immersed in whatever it is that we’re caught up in at the moment (and keep going back to with our thoughts).

I reflected upon this afterward, trying to figure out why exactly I felt that extreme calm and serenity at that moment.  The answer came later as I was reading a piece about conflict resolution, and there was a passage about gaining a point of view that is outside yourself and broadening your perspective.

“That’s it!”  I thought.  It’s a change in perspective.  When I was in those woods, I began to view the world considering the perspective of the forest as a whole and everything within it.  I thought about the trees and the animals, and wondered what our individual human concerns meant to the forest.  At that moment, the individual, egoic concerns of mine (and human kind as a whole) seemed completely miniscule, minor, and irrelevant, and it was lovely (and liberating).

I encourage you to find your own personal haven.  Perhaps, just like me, it’s the forest.  Maybe it’s on a calm lake, or perhaps on the beach along the ocean.  Maybe it’s only a place you know about.  Wherever it is, I encourage you to visit that place, either physically or mentally, and just immerse yourself in the experience.  Take in the sounds, sights, smells, and any other sensations you can, and just “be” for a moment.

Listen to the “symphony” of sounds that exist in the here and now.  Think about this haven as a whole entity, rather than a collection of individual parts.  Just take it all in.

Then, finally, once you’ve gained a perspective of your haven, just observe and reflect.  Let things happen, and see what thoughts come to mind for you.  Perhaps you’ll also find those moments of absolute clarity, which provide you with the peace and serenity you desire, or perhaps you’ll find moments of inspiration that will help you in one or more ways.

When we can assume a point of view outside of ourselves, sometimes we can gain the peace and clarity that we desire to give us a sense of perspective of the size of our own concerns.  For me, the simple question of “How much does that really matter” had a profound effect upon me, and has carried over into my life outside of my haven, and has still provided clarity and peace many times over.

I wish you the best on your journey to your haven, and as you discover those moments of peace, serenity, and clarity.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/nicholas_t/4676922881

Thoughts are powerful.  Without the power of thinking, we would not progress as a society.  We would lack innovation and creativity.  We would not enjoy the advent of new technology and the benefits of such.  However, sometimes “thinking” can get us into trouble.  But the reason why may not be the reason you “think.”

The reason is that, tragically, in my opinion, many people believe “thoughts” to be things that really aren’t at all proper thoughts.  To demonstrate, I’ll provide two different examples of “thoughts” to allow you to distinguish between the two:

Example 1: “I think that the most efficient way to communicate with others is to enter their information into a mailing list database, whereas I can send them all communication at one time with the click of a button.”

Example 2: “I think that she is trying to be efficient because she is sending me communication through a mailing list database.”

So, which “thought,” of the two given examples above,  is a proper thought?

If you picked the first example, then you and I are in agreement.  And here’s why — The first “thought” is a reflection; it’s an observation.  It’s a reflection of our reflections.  It’s internal.  It may be the result of deliberation and experiences and the sum of many different experiences that lead to the formulation of an idea about something.  That is what I would deem a “proper” thought.

The reason why I do not agree that the second example is a proper “thought” is because the use of the term “think” in that second example is not a reflection or an observation, even though it may appear to be such.  In my opinion, the term “think” is rather an interpretation, or judgment, or analysis of another’s behavior.

Just because you “think” she is trying to be more efficient, you only have the facts available at your disposal, which is that you are receiving email from her through a mailing list.  The rationale behind the observable act is anyone’s guess, with exception to the person who is sending emails through that database.

Now, if you were to ask her person why she is sending emails through the mailing list, and she tells you that she is doing it because she wishes to be more efficient, then you have your answer.  But until you know the facts of the situation, all you have is speculation, conjecture, opinion, judgment, analysis, guesswork, hunches, hypotheses, stabs in the dark, and supposition.

This brings me to the point I am trying to bring across to you today: I advise you to be cautious about what you “think” are “thoughts” that really aren’t proper thoughts at all, because they can end up causing more problems than you’d prefer.  Or, perhaps you’ve already been using them and are trying to figure out why you’re suffering and things aren’t quite as wonderful as you’d like.

Either way, I recommend you give some time to reflect upon what is really a “thought” before you start telling people what you “think.”  Unfortunately, in my opinion, we’ve been conditioned to freely interchange one type of “thought” with the other type of “thought.”  When we tell people we’re “thinking,” what we’re really telling them is how we are interpreting the actions of others.

How can you tell which is which?  Here’s a very easy way to discern between the two — ask yourself what comes after the word “think.”

If the word “he,” “she,” “they,” or “you” follows the word “think,” chances are it’s an interpretation, diagnosis, judgment, and speculation.  This will likely land you in the land of debate and argument and discord.

For example, if you say to someone, “I think that you are being unreasonable,” what do you think your chances are of the other person saying (sincerely), “You’re right.  I’m being completely unreasonable!  Wow.  Boy, did I make a mistake.  My apologies!”  I’ll put it this way: don’t hold your breath waiting for that type of sincere response.

The reason why you won’t get that type of response is because you interpreted and diagnosed the motives behind the observable act that took place.  Before you jump into saying “you’re being unreasonable,” back up and figure out what “unreasonable” looks like.  What actually happened that led to your diagnosis of such?  That’s where the conversation needs to start, in my opinion.

So, what are you thinking?  Are you disguising judgment and diagnosis as a thought?  Or, are you truly and authentically reflecting and contemplating internally?  Take some time to properly “think” about it, and take some more time to “think” before you tell other people what you “think,” and I “think” you’ll be in a much better place as a result.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/seatbelt67/502255276