Category Archives for "emotional wellness"

I woke up in the very early hours of the morning recently.  It was one of those times when you wake up for no good reason, and then your mind just starts wandering.  My thoughts bounced around like a ping-pong ball.  I thought about one thing, then my thoughts jumped to another idea, and then another.

Before I knew it, half an hour had passed, and those same thoughts were still bouncing around, back and forth and over and over.  Then I started to worry about some of the things I was thinking about.  I began to get distressed at the long odds of accomplishing some of my goals, and I wondered why I even bother and the seemingly insurmountable obstacles I faced.  I wondered how I would ever make some of my dreams come true.

It’s at these moments that some people turn to God, asking for help, or guidance, or support.  I know I’ve done that in the past, and I considered doing it again, just for the sake of calming my mind and trying to get back to sleep, for goodness sake.  I thought about it for a moment, but then remembered that it is my belief that God is not something that exists outside of me, but rather that God is always within me.  I don’t need to seek outside of myself what is already in me.  I knew that the guidance and support was there within me, and I just needed to “hear” what God had to say through me.

So, I simply started observing my breathing.  In and out, in and out.  If my mind started to wander, I just returned to my breath.  In and out, in and out.  It didn’t take long, and I fell back asleep again, and my bouncing and wandering thoughts subsided and my fears and worries melted away.

When I woke up the next morning, I revisited those thoughts that I had in those early hours of the morning.  They were just as vivid and real as they were in the middle of the night, but right along with those thoughts was the guidance and support I was seeking.  Some would say it was God, finally talking to me when the time was right.

What did God say through me?  God said that there is only one person who will decide whether I will carry out my goals and achieve my dreams, and that is me.  There is only one way that I will accomplish what I choose, and the timing of it all comes down to how I manage the present.

The reassurance came though the idea that there is always the present — the “now.”  Nothing else exists outside of right now, and it is always up to me to determine what to do with my “now.”  Nobody but me (not even God) can decide what is to become of me, because that is up to me.  That’s the wonderful gift of free will that God had bestowed upon me and everyone else.  God is the ever-present, ever-renewing “now,” and we get to determine what we do with the present, and the present shapes the future and everything else.

We always have the present

When it seems like we have nothing else, we always have the present.  Whenever it seems like we will never know the answers, they will present themselves when the time is right.  When it seems as if we’ll never get there, we can certainly take the first step on that long journey right now.  We’ll never see tomorrow or the day after, simply because it never comes, because we are always living in the most powerful moment that exists — the present.  Actually, it’s the only moment that really ever exists.  There is no future or past — just the present.

So if you do believe in God, believe in the most wonderful and most powerful gift that God gives us — that gift that is the present.  Believe in your free will.  You have the ability each and every moment to choose to do what you want to do.  When it seems like all is lost, and you have nobody who will walk along the lonely road with you, or it seems like nobody can possibly understand your struggles, just go to God.  God will provide you with the reassurance that you possess all the answers you’ll need, and that you and only you know what you need to do to get where you want to go.

Believe in you, and believe in the power of the present moment.  When you have nothing else, you always have the present, and you can always decide and control what you choose to do with this most wonderful gift.  Make the most of it.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/10154402@N03/5868705030

When we think about loving other people, or just love in general, we may tend to believe that as long as we have love in our hearts, we are on the right path.  Because, after all, it is better to love than not to love, right?

While I agree that to love is better than not to love, not all “love” is the same.  I would actually suggest that some “types” of love may be somewhat counter-productive to our progress on the road to living happier and healthier.

A “selfish” love?

Now, you may be thinking what kind of love could actually be counter-productive, where I would even label it as a sort of “selfish” type of love.  Well, the ancient Greeks actually had sorted this out pretty well, defining six different types of love, all with different meanings and characteristics.

The first kind of love is called “eros.”  This kind of love is the fiery, passionate love that we generally associate with love in our movies and songs, and what we as a general society view as the love where we lose ourselves out of love for another person.  The ancient Greeks didn’t necessarily view this type of love as positive, because it was regarded as rather out of control and sort of dangerous, so to speak.

But, what is wrong with this raw, passionate, and fiery love?  Well, to say wrong is rather strong, in my opinion.  After all, it is usually what helps us find that special someone who may end up being “the one” we spend the rest of our lives with.  However, at the same time, this type of love is, well, rather selfish.

Psychologist Roger Callahan has written, “Romantic love is selfish!  When it comes to an authentic romantic relationship, it is your pleasure, and your happiness that’s the central base of emotion.  Lots of people believe that real love is total selflessness and a generous concern for someone else is really at its root.  As ‘nice’ as this may sound, it has nothing to do with romantic love.  A selfless romantic love is absurd.”

“Limerence”

Dorothy Tennov, a behavioral psychologist actually called this type of love “limerence,” which is defined as “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.”  Apparently, the typical life span of limerent feelings is between eighteen and thirty-six months.

Think about the typical love songs.  When you listen to a song about love, what is it really about?  It’s about the feelings of the person who is singing it.  The whole song is predicated on what the other person either does or doesn’t do which then either leads to positive or negative feelings of the singer.  The song is much about loving with the hope of reciprocation.  It’s very much about doing something for another person with the hope (and expectation) that they will follow up and do the same for the singer.  When they do, love is wonderful.  When they don’t, well, it’s a sad day and a sad song.

But not all is lost with “eros.”  It can often be a first stage of one’s relationship with another person.  What is important is that we move from eros to a “higher,” more refined stage of love, called “philia.”  This is a deeper type of friendship between “comrades,” where there is a deep loyalty to friends, and where concern for others trumps concern for self.  Not only do you sacrifice for them, but you also share your thoughts and emotions with them as well.  Those of you who have children may recognize a sub-category of philia called “storge,” which typically defines love between parent and child.

Moving on to other types of love

If you wish to keep going, there are other types of love, including “ludus,” which is a “playful” type of love, usually expressed between young children, or by adults in their flirtatious stages of a relationship.  There’s also “pragma,” which is a more deep type of love shared by those who are in long-standing relationships (and marriages).  This usually is defined by patience and tolerance for other viewpoints, consciously giving love rather than just wanting to receive it.

Finally, there are two other very important types of love — “agape” and “philautia.”  Agape is defined as a “selfless love.”  It is the love you have not for just one person, but for all people, including those you don’t even know.  C.S. Lewis referred to this as “gift love,” and some Buddhists call it “universal loving kindness.”  This type of can be lacking, especially as we constantly think about ourselves and our own self interests first, before we consider the interests of others.  However, this type of love, where we can look at others as “brothers and sisters” rather than strangers, is so important in us developing that “loving kindness” that can make a huge difference in not only our lives, but in the lives of others.  If we can spend more time practicing this “loving kindness” toward others, and simply be “friendly,” we will notice a huge impact not only on ourselves internally, but externally in our interactions with other people.

Love for self

The last type of love is equally important: “philautia.”  Philautia is a love for the self.  While this can be unhealthy if taken too far (narcissism and materialism), it is so beneficial if we keep it in the “healthy” range.  It is so important to love yourself.  If you can come to love yourself, it is so much easier to love others.  In the words of Aristotle, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.”  If we begin with love for ourselves, we can turn to others and extend to them love as well, without expectation of anything in return.

So, when you look at your relationships with those you love, do you love without expectation of reciprocation?  Do you love unconditionally, with a genuine concern for others and their well-being?  Do you respect other people’s points of view?  Can you look at others as brothers and sisters?  Are you genuinely “friendly” to everyone?  And, finally, do you love yourself unconditionally?

It’s not about “right or wrong” when it comes to the type of love we share with others.  It’s about being aware of why we love.  We don’t get anywhere when it’s only ourselves that we care about.  This world cannot become a better place if we don’t care for others, or if we don’t have a genuine desire to help one another.  When we can truly love in kindness and generosity, we can not only transform ourselves, but we can transform the world we live in as well.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/viktor_u/8316230145

Sometimes life throws us difficulty.  Sometimes we’re in a “funk,” or a bad mood, or we’re just plain inconsolable.  Before we continue to focus on how terrible things are for us, take a moment for perspective.

For example, last week I was just plain angry about something. (I can’t even remember what I was actually angry about, so you can appreciate how really unimportant it was!)  Nobody had died; nobody received a horrible medical diagnosis.  I was sitting on my couch in my own living room which has a roof over it, while my children, happy and healthy and well fed, were playing in the other room.

Even with all of that, I couldn’t shake my anger.  I was trying to find the “good” in my life, but I just struggled to get myself out of the “funk” that I was in.  I knew what my next steps had to be — I had to grab a pen and some paper and do some writing.

A simple way to break through the negativity

After I found my writing supplies, I just sat down.  Now, what I wrote was not profound.  I was not writing a chapter in my next book, or a deep reflection, or anything out of this world.  I simply sat there and wrote a list of things that I can call “blessings” in my life.

Before long, I had written a list of well over fifty things that I was thankful and appreciative of in my life.  While I knew that I could have added more things to the list, I didn’t need to.  I got the message.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am blessed in many ways, no matter how bad things seem, and no matter how sour of a mood I happen to find myself in once in a while.

The stuff that I’m upset about in the here and now really isn’t “big” stuff.  It’s small compared to what others are struggling through.

The ability to pause and reflect

But, what helped me crack through with that perspective was the ability to “pause,” and observe myself through instant reflection.  It was the ability to be aware even though I was in a foul mood.  I was able to see myself in anger, but through a “different” part of myself, observe that it wasn’t serving me, and that I knew it wasn’t who I really was and what I am really about.

That “different” part of myself, however, isn’t something that just appears at will.  It requires lots of internal work through meditation.  It requires that I continually and regularly connect with that part of me that is loving, kind, compassionate, considerate, and everything else wonderful.  It’s that “best” version of me that I need to connect with often, so that the “flame” of that spirit within me is present when I need it, and so that I know what it “feels” like so that I can grab on to it when I am so far removed from that “best” version of me, and pull myself out of those deep negatively emotional states.

I was happy to have been able to catch myself in that moment and know what to do to get out of that bad feeling.  I know for me that once I start realizing how great life really is for me that I’ll realize life is too short to get angry about something that really isn’t all that important after all.

What are your blessings?  What do you have going on in your life, and what do you enjoy in the here and now that you just take for granted, but are things that others would be so fortunate to have for themselves?  Don’t forget your fortunes.  And never, ever stop counting your blessings.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/scraan/8373881544