Category Archives for "communication"

One of the biggest challenges we face is having a conscious control over our emotions and our responses to what takes place either internally or externally.  In other words, a major challenge is actually being the way we ideally view ourselves, unshaken and uninfluenced by the things that come along the way in our lives.

Because, let’s face it – we know we want to be more loving, compassionate, and kind but there are events that come along that pull us from those ideal states of being.  We experience frustration, fear, and confusion, among other things, and the emotional experience then pulls us along a path of reaction that does not embody or represent us at our best, exuding love, compassion, and kindness.

So I was asked this the other day: “Just how do we keep our emotions from getting the best of us?”

Awareness is the key to overcoming emotionalism

My response was a suggestion of increased awareness of our emotional experiences.  That’s a great starting point.  It is not the end, by all means, but when we’re looking for any way to get started on having a better handle on our emotional disposition and responses, it’s better than nothing.

The problem with negative emotions is that they are tethered to a need or desire.  A negative emotion is a signal that a desire was not met, or that our preferred progression of events did not unfold as we’d like.  For example, if we want to be on time, but events transpire that lead us to be late, we experience frustration.  The negative emotion had arisen from the desire to be on time, but that didn’t happen, thus the frustration results.

Logic would tell us that we just need to retrace our steps, and I would agree.  The end of the trail is the frustration.  What caused the frustration?  The need to be on time?  What is the cause for the need to be on time?  The answer to that will provide us with the information we’re looking for.

This is where simple awareness can be invaluable for us.  Being aware of the things that are triggering our emotional responses can be paramount to stopping the cascade of events that results in us deviating from an ideal version of ourselves.  This deviation alone can be the cause of further frustration and angst.  So having a clear awareness of what is starting us on the path toward a negative emotion or an emotional response we don’t prefer is the key to overcoming emotionalism.

If your child’s inability to find their shoes in a timely manner was the reason you were late, and you don’t want to be late, your negative emotions are indirectly arising from your child’s lack of timeliness; this lack of timeliness resulted in you not meeting your desire to be on time.  Gaining awareness of this leads us to further inquiry (and awareness).  Next, for example, you could simply ask yourself why it is important for you to be on time?  This will lead to awareness of another aspect of this situation.  Further, you could ask yourself why you need to be attached to that idea of being on time.

Peeling away the layers

It’s sort of like peeling an onion, starting at the surface, and then digging deeper and asking, “Why, why, why?”  Why are you frustrated?  Why do you have the need?  Why can’t you let go of the need?  Why is it important for you to have this need?  The answers to this question will lead you to increased awareness of the situation and put you on the path to dissolving the emotional response.

Finally, one thing you can easily do to also increase your awareness is to detach yourself from the first-person experience of the emotion itself as it is happening.  I would suggest its something akin to watching the event as if it’s on a movie screen rather than through your own eyes in your own body.

If it’s fear you’re experiencing, for example, picture the emotion of fear as a leaf or a log floating on the surface of a river.  The log approaches, passes before you, and then moves away from you as it travels along the river.  If you can visualize that emotion doing the same thing: approaching, passing before you, and then moving away from you, as an object not attached to you, you will find that your own response to the emotion is very different and more manageable.

After the experience passes you then have the opportunity to start peeling away, and asking those “why” questions to help you should that set of circumstances arises in the future.

Awareness is a powerful, yet frequently overlooked tool that we have at our disposal every day and every moment.  Perhaps trying to introduce this tool to your life, especially after having a negative emotional experience, would greatly enhance your life and provide you with the control you would enjoy having over your emotions so that you can share your love, kindness, and compassion with those around you the way you’d prefer.

Photo by Simon Migaj on Unsplash

Believe it or not, we have tremendous control over our conversations with other people, in that we have the power to greatly influence how it ends.  But, in order to control how positive or negative a conversation becomes, we need to have awareness of the primary influencers that can either improve things or contribute to things taking a turn for the worst.

All it takes is some attention and focus from to make sure that you don’t fall into the typical pitfalls or traps that can sabotage an attempt to handle a conversation and keep it positive.  Pulling of the task of turning negative conversations into positive ones takes a keen awareness and presence found in master communicators.  If you want to know what they do, here is a blueprint you can follow to help you turn a those potentially negative conversations into positive ones.

Master communicators stay away from making assumptions about other people’s motives or behaviors

Whenever we tell someone what we think about what another is doing or how they’re handling a situation we can be headed for trouble.  All it takes is something like, “I think that you’re not taking this situation seriously enough” to make things difficult for you.  Here’s why:

When you start out with “I think,” you’re beginning with an opinion.  You’re interpreting their actions and behaviors and telling them what you have picked up based on what you’ve observed.  You may be correct in your diagnosis, but when you start with “I think,” and follow it with a “you” (or “you’re” in this case), you are making it about them, rather than focusing on what’s going on inside of you.  This can sound like an accusation to another.

As you finish the sentence with “seriously enough,” again, this is an opinion.  You’re opening yourself up to a debate.  How seriously is “seriously enough?”  And, what would someone have to do to show you that they are being the “just right,” amount of being serious, without being “too serious?”  Using “too” or “not enough” is based on opinion, and it’s a preference, but you are implying wrongness when you use those words because you’re saying that only you know the “just right” amount of seriousness necessary.

Master communicators try to see things from other perspectives

If we think that our way is the right way, or if we believe that we’re right and other people are wrong, this can lead to problems as well.  Many of the struggles I’ve seen with other people in simply getting along and understanding others is a failure to be empathic.  They don’t seem to be able (or willing) to consider what things may be like for the other person, or they spend little to no time being curious as to what it must be like to be in the situation in which another finds themselves.

Master communicators allow others to completely say what they have to say (or at least give them some time to speak and say something!)

Simply allowing another person the opportunity to finish a complete sentence or share their opinion or perspective can be a tremendous help and show respect for the other person.  Giving time in our own conversations for space so that another person can process and actually speak is a big help too.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve been part of conversations during which I was unable to share my perspective or even speak because the other person in the conversation was doing all the talking and not leaving any space or time for a reply or comment.  To try to overcome this yourself, depending on who is talking, after you or the other person is done completing a sentence or articulating a thought, blink your eyes twice in succession (one immediately followed by another) before speaking.  This gives the other person a small window to speak if they want to.

Master communicators speak only to observable, non-arguable facts

If someone rolled their eyes, shrugged their shoulders, and sighed, that’s what they did.  If you toss in an evaluation of those observations and ask why they are getting impatient, frustrated, upset, or even more egregious descriptions of their behavior, you’re setting yourself up for a defensive and non-productive response.  Even if they are all those things, your diagnosis doesn’t help.  If you would say, “I noticed you sighed just there.  What’s going on?” you are opening up to a conversation, rather than an argument about what the other person did (or did not do.

Master communicators listen for the “please”

People say “please” in the strangest ways.  Someone could be making fun of the size of your nose, and they could really be asking “could you please help me feel more secure about how I appear to others?”  If we can try to identify what a person’s “pain point” is, and what they are needing, you can “listen through” their sometimes not-so-nice words and find that they are really asking for you to help them.  The problem is that when others are asking “please” in a way that can offend or upset others, they’re pushing people away from themselves instead of making it desirable for others to actually help them.

Master communicators link feelings to needs or values

When you are listening to another person and what they are saying, try to figure out how they’re feeling at the moment.  Do you think they’re frustrated?  Angry?  Fearful?  And what is causing that feeling to emerge?  What is it that they value?

For example, if someone values their time, they may be complaining about how something is a waste of their time.  They are frustrated because they have a need to spend their time wisely and efficiently.  They are really asking “Could you please help me make wise and efficient use of my time?” but they are expressing their frustration in a way that can come across as a criticism or a complaint to others.

Master communicators ask for clarification

Once you’ve allowed the other person to express themselves completely, without interrupting, as you’ve tried to picture things from their perspective, and at the same time listening for the “please,” you may want to ask for clarification.  You may want to repeat what is their need or speak to their feelings, to see if they give verbal confirmation.  If you can identify their need, feeling, and rephrase their negatively expressed statements in a way that links the need to the feeling, you’ll make a positive connection, and the conversation will move in a positive direction.

The other person will know that you’re attempting to connect with them at the heart, and really understand what is going on.  Not only will they appreciate you listening to them, but they’ll also know that you’re trying to help them get whatever it is that they want, need, or value.

You could say something like, “I can really understand how it can be so frustrating when this information can be shared by an email, rather than having everyone sit in a meeting and listen to someone read the information off of a piece of paper.”  If you connect with that person, they’ll agree, and they will know you “get” them and what they’re trying to say.

Master communicators find a solution that meets needs or satisfies values of everyone

Finally, if you can connect on the feeling and the need, you can work with them to figure out a solution that works for them to meet their needs or help them get what they want or value.  You can ask them for their ideas or what they think would be a reasonable solution to this situation.  The idea is that this becomes a conversation where ideas and feelings and values are shared, so that everyone is heard and respected.  It’s important to take things to the next level, and also share your needs and values, especially if meeting another person’s needs seem mutually exclusive to you meeting yours.  That’s why…

Master communicators don’t forget their own needs and values

Remember that there doesn’t need to be a winner or loser in a conversation.  If you and the other person can really speak to the needs and values you both share, you will be able to continue the conversation until you get to a point where the needs and values of both are honored or met with a solution that works for everyone.  If you can only find a compromise, that means that the needs or values of one or more have not been met or recognized.

It’s possible for any potentially negative conversation to become a positive one, but it takes work.  It takes listening power, respect, time, space, and empathy.  As long as both people are willing to share from the heart, and as long as one person is able and willing to facilitate the exchange and guide it along, there should be no reason why the conversation shouldn’t end up with a positive outcome that works for all.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/cruzart/17037720877

I really enjoying learning about the customs and traditions of the Native Americans.  As long as I can remember, the history and culture of these great people has fascinated me.  A few months ago I happened upon a website, which shared what they called the “Native American Code of Ethics.”  After reading through this code, I thought it was absolutely beautiful, and I wanted to share it with you, so that you can learn of it, be blessed to have come across, it and benefit from it as I have.

I can’t help but think that if we all lived up to this code of ethics this world would be a better place, and we would have much more enjoyable lives.

Apparently there are many “codes” out there.  If you do a simple search of “Native American Code of Ethics” you’ll find different varieties of codes of ethics, but they are in many ways very similar to each other.  This particular code that I will share with you comes from the website nativevillage.org, and they are sharing the code that originally appeared in a publication called the “Inner-Tribal Times” in October of 1994.

How well do you measure up to this “Code of Ethics?”

1. Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often. The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.

2. Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path. Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.

3. Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.

4. Treat the guests in your home with much consideration. Serve them the best food, give them the best bed and treat them with respect and honor.

5. Do not take what is not yours whether from a person, a community, the wilderness or from a culture. It was not earned nor given. It is not yours.

6. Respect all things that are placed upon this earth – whether it be people or plant.

7. Honor other people’s thoughts, wishes and words. Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them. Allow each person the right to personal expression.

8. Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative energy that you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you.

9. All persons make mistakes. And all mistakes can be forgiven.

10. Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit. Practice optimism.

11. Nature is not FOR us, it is a PART of us. They are part of your worldly family.

12. Children are the seeds of our future. Plant love in their hearts and water them with wisdom and life’s lessons. When they are grown, give them space to grow.

13. Avoid hurting the hearts of others. The poison of your pain will return to you.

14. Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the test of one’s will within this universe.

15. Keep yourself balanced. Your Mental self, Spiritual self, Emotional self, and Physical self – all need to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out the body to strengthen the mind. Grow rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.

16. Make conscious decisions as to who you will be and how you will react. Be responsible for your own actions.

17. Respect the privacy and personal space of others. Do not touch the personal property of others – especially sacred and religious objects. This is forbidden.

18. Be true to yourself first. You cannot nurture and help others if you cannot nurture and help yourself first.

19. Respect others religious beliefs. Do not force your belief on others.

20. Share your good fortune with others. Participate in charity.

I especially enjoyed numbers three, twelve, and fifteen.  There are also some on this list that are a struggle for me to live up to.

How about you?  Are there any that resonate with you?  How about those which are challenges?  If you’d like to share, please leave your comments below!

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/red11group/4758464068

It’s hard enough to have a conversation with another person and try to get them to understand exactly what you’re saying, but what can complicate matters further is when you are unknowingly injecting components that can actually cause a defensive reaction in another person.

Before we get to the major “reveal” of this article, however, I’d like to take some time to talk about the “two-headed monster” which frequently rears its “ugly heads,” so to speak, in many of our conversations with other people.  They slip into dialogue so easily that we don’t even know they’re there, but they can derail many a conversation and keep people stuck in conflict for so long that people can get to the point where they know there’s a conflict, but have no idea what began it all in the first place.

The two “heads” of the monster are “interpretations” and “diagnoses” of other people’s behaviors.  These are evaluative statements that are commonly rooted in speculation and conjecture, with very little, if any factual basis to them at all.  With the use of either of these “inflammatory agents,” you’re bound to not only offend others, but to perpetuate the cycle of conflict (or plant the seeds of such if you’re just beginning).

What do these “interpretations” and “diagnoses” sound like?  Here are some examples:

“He’s just trying to get out of doing work.”

“He’s just trying to cover his rear so he doesn’t get into trouble.”

“She likes to ‘butter up’ to people to get ‘on their good side,’ so that she can ‘use’ them later.”

“She has other people do ‘her dirty work.”

“He doesn’t like to give up control.”

“He’s just being defiant.”

What’s in common about all of these examples above?  For starters, they certainly don’t do anything to build a person up or speak positively about them.  There isn’t a lot of factual information dispensed either, is there?  Many of these statements are difficult, if not impossible to quantify or qualify.  For example, what exactly is “having someone do another’s dirty work?”  How do you define that exactly?

When we start to define (exactly) what something like “having someone do another’s dirty work” is, we’ll find that we can actually start to pick apart what the person is actually doing and state it in definable and understandable ways.  For example, we could say that “having someone do another’s dirty work” is to make an observation of something that one does not like, to communicate that to another person, and then to suggest the other person go to an authority figure to express displeasure over this, while at the same time the one who originally did not like it does not participate in talking to the authority figure about it.

It becomes clear that the use of interpretations and diagnoses function initially as conversational “short cuts,” allowing us to encapsulate what a person is doing without going into a long-winded description of what that person is doing.  It really takes a much longer time to define exactly what “having someone do another’s dirty work” is.

However, interpretations and diagnoses can also function as a vehicle for us apply moralistic judgments on the behavior of others; we use them to imply that the person is doing something “wrong.”  Try having a conversation with someone who starts out with the words, “you’re wrong,” and tell me how well things work out for you!  More often than not, the use of interpretations and diagnoses are utilized to speak of other people negatively, rather than positively.  A moralistic image of what is “right” or “just,” and what is “wrong” or “indefensible” is formed, and we let other people know how we feel about it through these interpretations or diagnoses.

Which brings me now to the one thing that common mistake that people make that leads to defensive reactions in others.  Not only do people use interpretations and diagnoses, they use them when speaking directly to the other person, through the use of two powerful (and very damaging) words:

“I think…”

It’s not necessarily those two words that lead to a majority of the problems we face, but rather the word or words that usually follow them.  They’re usually followed with “you” or “that you,” and then those words are usually followed with the diagnosis or interpretation.  It can play out like this:

“I think that you‘re just trying to get out of having to work on this project.”

“I think you‘re being unreasonable about all of this.”

“I think that you like to hear yourself talk.”

If you’ve ever tried saying something remotely similar to the statements above, you know all too well that the end result is usually an argument or ensuing conflict.  Whenever we tell someone what we think they’re doing, all we’re doing is speculating, interpreting, and diagnosing.  Even if our speculation turns out to be accurate, the use of interpretations and diagnoses are not tools that help us break down barriers and connect better with other people.  Instead, they show others how we are judging them and their actions, and how we believe that what they are doing is “wrong.”  If you’re looking for the quickest way to upset another person, just tell them how you’re right and they’re wrong.

So how can we overcome this?  The logical start is to stop judging what other people as “right” or “wrong.”  Let go of evaluating others.  Observe things as they are, for what they are.  Whether you agree with what they’re doing or not, your energy spent on being upset about how “wrong” the other person is rarely worth anything.  If what another person does bothers you, you’re far better off sharing how you feel about the situation (sad, frustrated, angry), tie it to what they did (in definable terms), and make a request of them to consider doing things differently.  If you come from the heart, and have a true, genuine desire to connect and seek the other person’s help, you will find that the conversation will be phenomenal, and will lead to a positive exchange and interaction that will leave you both better for having had it.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/93277085@N08/9277532430

When we want to acknowledge the good deeds or the good works of another individual, for the most part we come up woefully short on doing it in a way that effectively builds relationships. While we do we let the person know that we appreciate their efforts and what they did for us, we do it in a way that does not leave clear feedback as far as exactly what the person did and how that directly affected us, thus missing out on the opportunity for true and deep connection.

Typically, acknowledgement or compliment comes in the form of something like this:

“Mary, you did a great job on that presentation. Things went really well and I appreciate all your help in putting this together. Thank you so much.”

So what does Mary get out of this compliment? The meaningful information she could pull from that compliment was that you thought she did a great job on her presentation and that you appreciate her help. But, what exactly did Mary do? And why did you appreciate it?  What did her presentation do for you? More importantly, what can she continue to do in the future, specifically, in order to arrived at the same place of satisfaction next time?

So let’s start by dissecting how we communicate with other people in a way that clearly shares how we are feeling and what’s alive in us. When there is a desire to share this information we connect at a much deeper level with others.  In order to hold a conversation where we are sharing as much information as possible, we need to start by sharing our feelings related to our needs or values.

Once we communicate our feelings and how they are related to our needs and values then we can move to the action which describes clearly either what we would like to take place or what did take place that led to the feelings.

So, if you’re following along, the parts of meaningful connecting conversations are as follows:

1. Feeling
2. Need or value
3. Action or behavior

As we work to formulate our feedback we need to make sure that we include each of these three items.

So, if we wish to acknowledge a job well done, here’s how it might sound if we include all three parts of the formula above:

“Mary, I wanted to thank you for your presentation. When you listed all of the available options to us, I found it very helpful as I greatly value honesty. When I saw that you were being honest with all of us, and presenting all of the available options, I felt satisfied and pleased. Thank you.”

As you can see in the example above the  feelings of satisfaction and pleasure were shared, along with the value of honesty. Also notice how both the feelings and values where directly related to the action and behavior exhibited by Mary. As you can also see above, the components of ineffective communication do not necessarily have to be in sequential order. Many times, when providing feedback, the first thing you will mention is the action or the behavior, as that is a natural starting point.

What do you think the impact of this type of feedback sharing is on Mary, now that you’ve shared your feelings and values as they relate to her including all of the available options?

You will find that this type of feedback is especially helpful to the person who is receiving it, because when you share how you feel, and how your feelings are tied to your needs or values, and how both are tied to their actions or behaviors,  you are giving them the gift of receiving. They are receiving from you what you are giving to them, which is the sharing of your feelings.

When we can communicate in a way where there is the free sharing of feelings related to needs related to actions and behaviors, we form a very natural and powerful connection with other people. When we can act like this, we find more similarities with each other than differences. When we can act like this with other people, we gain a level of comfort and trust and understanding. And, when we can practice the sharing of feelings and needs and the actions and behavior as related to them in low-risk and positive environment, it provides us with a safe environment that is free of negativity judgement and hostility.

It’s very helpful to practice the sharing of  feelings related to needs related to the actions and behaviors of others in a  non threatening environment, because it allows us to not only forge meaningful connections at the level of the heart with those that we interact with on a regular basis when there’s not much at stake.  These interactions also build levels of trust between ourselves and others, so that when we have to have those more difficult conversations we feel comfortable doing it because of those connections we’ve built along the way.

Keep in mind that this type of interaction does not only have to take place with people who we interact with professionally. We can teach this to our children, so that they can share their appreciation for the people they interact with on a regular basis. We can also use it in our everyday interactions with those that we interact with at home or in other places. And, home is usually a place where we can safely practice these skills, so that when we move to an environment that is not necessarily right in the middle of our comfort zone we still have the confidence and the practice to be able to use this strategy.

So my question to you is this: What opportunities do you see that exist for you to share your appreciation with others? How can you put into practice this quick and effective strategy to communicate very clearly what your feelings are, what your needs are, and the behaviors or actions that contribute to such? And, when can you start putting this strategy into place?

I hope you can find great use for this strategy to enhance your everyday communication and to build  stronger, more heart-centered connections  with those around us.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/seyyed_mostafa_zamani/4130893030

One of my absolute favorite places to be is right in the middle of a forest.  I love being surrounded by nothing but nature, immersed in the sounds of the wind blowing through the leaves of the trees, the singing of the birds, and the sounds of the animals as they scurry about through the leaves and up the trees.

It’s my haven; it’s my eden.  It’s my place of calm and serenity.  It’s where I love to be whenever I can get there, and it is a place where I feel grounded, at peace, and a place where I can become very clear.

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity on a beautiful day to make my way to a local nature center, which features a lengthy walking path through the woods.  Along the way, I took my time and just took in the sounds, smells, and other sensations.

As I made my way to one of the thickest areas of the forest, I stopped, listened, and observed.  I began to think about a lot of things that people spend their time concerned with, such as what’s being reported on in the news, what’s going on in sports, what’s going on at work, and other things in which people consume their thoughts and affairs.

Finally, amidst it all, one question popped into my head, as I stood there, listening and observing:

“How much does it really matter?”

How much do those birds care about what’s going on in sports?  Do the squirrels have a care about the individual or collective problems we face?  What do the trees have to say about it?  How much does does that really matter right here, right now, in this forest?

When I took the time to think about it through this perspective, it was extremely pacifying and calming.  It also provided a moment of levity, as I realized that sometimes the things that we get caught up in, in a much different and larger perspective, really don’t matter as much as we think they do when we are completely immersed in whatever it is that we’re caught up in at the moment (and keep going back to with our thoughts).

I reflected upon this afterward, trying to figure out why exactly I felt that extreme calm and serenity at that moment.  The answer came later as I was reading a piece about conflict resolution, and there was a passage about gaining a point of view that is outside yourself and broadening your perspective.

“That’s it!”  I thought.  It’s a change in perspective.  When I was in those woods, I began to view the world considering the perspective of the forest as a whole and everything within it.  I thought about the trees and the animals, and wondered what our individual human concerns meant to the forest.  At that moment, the individual, egoic concerns of mine (and human kind as a whole) seemed completely miniscule, minor, and irrelevant, and it was lovely (and liberating).

I encourage you to find your own personal haven.  Perhaps, just like me, it’s the forest.  Maybe it’s on a calm lake, or perhaps on the beach along the ocean.  Maybe it’s only a place you know about.  Wherever it is, I encourage you to visit that place, either physically or mentally, and just immerse yourself in the experience.  Take in the sounds, sights, smells, and any other sensations you can, and just “be” for a moment.

Listen to the “symphony” of sounds that exist in the here and now.  Think about this haven as a whole entity, rather than a collection of individual parts.  Just take it all in.

Then, finally, once you’ve gained a perspective of your haven, just observe and reflect.  Let things happen, and see what thoughts come to mind for you.  Perhaps you’ll also find those moments of absolute clarity, which provide you with the peace and serenity you desire, or perhaps you’ll find moments of inspiration that will help you in one or more ways.

When we can assume a point of view outside of ourselves, sometimes we can gain the peace and clarity that we desire to give us a sense of perspective of the size of our own concerns.  For me, the simple question of “How much does that really matter” had a profound effect upon me, and has carried over into my life outside of my haven, and has still provided clarity and peace many times over.

I wish you the best on your journey to your haven, and as you discover those moments of peace, serenity, and clarity.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/nicholas_t/4676922881

Thoughts are powerful.  Without the power of thinking, we would not progress as a society.  We would lack innovation and creativity.  We would not enjoy the advent of new technology and the benefits of such.  However, sometimes “thinking” can get us into trouble.  But the reason why may not be the reason you “think.”

The reason is that, tragically, in my opinion, many people believe “thoughts” to be things that really aren’t at all proper thoughts.  To demonstrate, I’ll provide two different examples of “thoughts” to allow you to distinguish between the two:

Example 1: “I think that the most efficient way to communicate with others is to enter their information into a mailing list database, whereas I can send them all communication at one time with the click of a button.”

Example 2: “I think that she is trying to be efficient because she is sending me communication through a mailing list database.”

So, which “thought,” of the two given examples above,  is a proper thought?

If you picked the first example, then you and I are in agreement.  And here’s why — The first “thought” is a reflection; it’s an observation.  It’s a reflection of our reflections.  It’s internal.  It may be the result of deliberation and experiences and the sum of many different experiences that lead to the formulation of an idea about something.  That is what I would deem a “proper” thought.

The reason why I do not agree that the second example is a proper “thought” is because the use of the term “think” in that second example is not a reflection or an observation, even though it may appear to be such.  In my opinion, the term “think” is rather an interpretation, or judgment, or analysis of another’s behavior.

Just because you “think” she is trying to be more efficient, you only have the facts available at your disposal, which is that you are receiving email from her through a mailing list.  The rationale behind the observable act is anyone’s guess, with exception to the person who is sending emails through that database.

Now, if you were to ask her person why she is sending emails through the mailing list, and she tells you that she is doing it because she wishes to be more efficient, then you have your answer.  But until you know the facts of the situation, all you have is speculation, conjecture, opinion, judgment, analysis, guesswork, hunches, hypotheses, stabs in the dark, and supposition.

This brings me to the point I am trying to bring across to you today: I advise you to be cautious about what you “think” are “thoughts” that really aren’t proper thoughts at all, because they can end up causing more problems than you’d prefer.  Or, perhaps you’ve already been using them and are trying to figure out why you’re suffering and things aren’t quite as wonderful as you’d like.

Either way, I recommend you give some time to reflect upon what is really a “thought” before you start telling people what you “think.”  Unfortunately, in my opinion, we’ve been conditioned to freely interchange one type of “thought” with the other type of “thought.”  When we tell people we’re “thinking,” what we’re really telling them is how we are interpreting the actions of others.

How can you tell which is which?  Here’s a very easy way to discern between the two — ask yourself what comes after the word “think.”

If the word “he,” “she,” “they,” or “you” follows the word “think,” chances are it’s an interpretation, diagnosis, judgment, and speculation.  This will likely land you in the land of debate and argument and discord.

For example, if you say to someone, “I think that you are being unreasonable,” what do you think your chances are of the other person saying (sincerely), “You’re right.  I’m being completely unreasonable!  Wow.  Boy, did I make a mistake.  My apologies!”  I’ll put it this way: don’t hold your breath waiting for that type of sincere response.

The reason why you won’t get that type of response is because you interpreted and diagnosed the motives behind the observable act that took place.  Before you jump into saying “you’re being unreasonable,” back up and figure out what “unreasonable” looks like.  What actually happened that led to your diagnosis of such?  That’s where the conversation needs to start, in my opinion.

So, what are you thinking?  Are you disguising judgment and diagnosis as a thought?  Or, are you truly and authentically reflecting and contemplating internally?  Take some time to properly “think” about it, and take some more time to “think” before you tell other people what you “think,” and I “think” you’ll be in a much better place as a result.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/seatbelt67/502255276