Category Archives for "Brain and mind"

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“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” ~Jon Kabat Zinn

Have you ever found yourself feeling embarrassed, apologetic, or self conscious about something you said or did?  Do you find yourself worrying about what other people think or how people will react to what you say?

The other day I was catching up with an old friend whom I haven’t seen for a while.  Yes, it had been a while, because a lot has changed in my professional life since the last time we had talked, and I was providing an update on my current career endeavors, which include pursuing a career as a professional speaker, as well as a trainer, as well as a blogger, and all revolving around how the mind works and how it affects us and our interactions with other people.

As I was talking to him about my endeavors, I noticed something happening…I noticed that I was almost being apologetic, for lack of a better term, for taking the time to talk about what I was doing.  Was this an act of modesty or an act of self-consciousness?

After meeting with my friend, I started to recall and reflect upon several similar occasions where I was asked either publicly or privately to divulge what it is that I do and what I talk about.  Sure enough, in most cases, I recall that I felt extremely self-conscious and apologetic about describing what I do and what I talk about.

I have my pregenual anterior cingulate cortex (pACC), a boomerang-shaped region of the brain positioned behind the eyes, to thank for that!  It is this area that has been implicated in feelings of embarrassment, pride, guilt, and others.  What’s interesting about this study is that it points out that this area of the brain is involved in the feelings of these emotions in the context of others’ perceived or imagined reactions.  In other words, it is only when we manufacture a perception of what other people think that we feel embarrassed or self conscious.

It became apparent that this self-conscious reaction within me obviously has something to do with worrying about what other people think.  I realized I have a self-judgment issue.  I’ve written before and talked about the inner judge that resides within our minds.  It’s the unconscious part of our brain that is responsible for analyzing things very quickly, making a snap decision, and then moving on to the next item of interest.  I know that through meditative practice and through practicing mindfulness, it has been shown through research to positively benefit the whole being and actually change the physiology of the brain.

Some of the main focuses of meditation and mindfulness revolve around being present, being aware, and practicing non-judgment.  I have been personally working very hard to quiet  that judge within me; every time I feel a judgmental thought progressing toward a judgmental state, I have reminded myself to remove the thought from my mind — in essence, thinking something along the lines of “They are entitled to feel/think/act/speak as they wish.”

It just dawned on me as I recalled these moments of self consciousness that while I have been putting so much effort into working to restrict myself from judging others, I have neglected the important work of consciously restricting myself from judging me!  I have to do a better job of believing in myself and not apologizing for doing what I do or talking about what I do.  I am proud of what I do and what I am working toward, but sometimes my self consciousness gets in the way.

I recognized that non-judgment requires work in two distinct areas — one being external non-judgment, and the other being internal non-judgment.  If our scale of non-judgment tips too far one way or the other, we find ourselves out of balance.  If we are strong in the area of internal non-judgment and weak in the area of external non-judgment, we could find ourselves critical of others while extremely prideful in ourselves.  If we are strong in the area of external non-judgment and weak in the area of internal non-judgment, we could find ourselves empathetic and compassionate of others, yet extremely self-conscious and insecure.

I realized that I have been putting all of my eggs in one basket.  I have been putting much more effort into practicing external non-judgment and neglecting the very important task of practicing internal non-judgment. Maybe it’s because I am modest; maybe it’s because I am my biggest critic and I expect near perfection of myself; maybe it’s something else.

If you find yourself feeling embarrassed, apologetic, or self-conscious, I encourage you to think about how you feel about yourself.  Are you being too critical of yourself?  Are you allowing the perceived or imagined reactions of others to influence how you act or what you say?  Is your inner judge too judgmental of you?

The path to acceptance and compassion is through the important act of practicing external non-judgment; the path to self-confidence and positive self-esteem is through the important act of practicing internal non-judgment.  Both are equally important and necessary to living a fulfilled and peaceful life.  As you pursue your own personal peace and fulfillment, I wish you happiness, health, and prosperity!

Photo: freedigitalphotos.net

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“Mothers hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.” ~Author Unknown

Every time Mother’s Day comes around, for me it’s a day of honor and rememberance.  I lost my mom in a car accident back in 1993, and although I’m coming up on twenty years of her being gone, it’s still a somber day for me.  To think that I was sixteen when I lost her, and this July it will be nineteen years since she left this earth is almost unbelievable.  I just keep thinking about how I’ve lived more of my life without her than with her.

I am well over the “what if” game, thinking endlessly about “what if” she would still be around; however, I think about all of the things I never got to talk to her about or ask her.  I didn’t get a chance to thank her for being a great mom who enriched my life with some valuable life lessons.  I know she’s around in spirit, and, in the “spirit” of Mother’s Day, I wanted to share with you the life lessons I learned from my mom.

Have a sense of humor about you, and take time to laugh.  My mom was always goofing around and joking with her kids.  A sense of humor and laughter are natural stress relievers, and I think back to my mom’s contagious laughter and silly personality very fondly.  I firmly believe that I am the way I am in regard to my sense of humor and silliness largely in part due to the example my mom provided to me.  I must be doing alright, since the first question I get out of my daughters’ mouths is frequently, “Are you just teasing?”

Be true to yourself.  My mom, good and bad, was always the same person to everyone.  She didn’t “kiss up” to people to get on people’s good side.  She was the same person no matter where she was.   She was true to herself — you always knew what you were getting.  I see this in myself to this day.  I am who I am, and I am proud of it.  I don’t change who I am depending on the company I share.

Be the kind of parent who your children can trust and tell anything.  All six of us children knew we could go to her and tell her anything.  That didn’t mean we wouldn’t get in trouble, but she had a way of establishing trust with her children.  Now that I have children, I work hard to instill this same type of trusting relationship across our family members.  My wife and I want our girls to feel comfortable telling us things.  We’re working hard on that now when they’re young so they grow up learning to communicate openly.

Always say goodbye pleasantly.  You never know when your most recent conversation with someone will be your last.  Given the sudden departure of my mom, I have learned to realize that it’s wise to always resolve disputes and arguments before you say goodbye.  It may be the last one, and you don’t want to regret what you said or how you acted.  Treat each conversation as if it were your last.  Don’t forget to give goodbye kisses!

Every moment spent with your child and spouse is precious.  You never know how long you are on this earth, so get the most out of your time with your loved ones, before you or one of them is no longer around.

Always wear your seatbelt.  If I had not worn my seatbelt that July day in 1993, I would not be writing this post right now.  My wife would never have known me, and my children would not have existed.  It was just a fluke that I put my seatbelt on before we got in that accident, and if I hadn’t had it on, I would have been thrown heavens knows where in or out of that car.

Think of your legacy.  How do you want to be remembered by those left behind when you are gone?  I never thought of this until I started having children.  Now, I think, “If I were to leave this earth today, how would people remember me?”  I try to live each day as if it were my last — I try to live out the legacy I want to leave behind.

Sometimes absolutely great things come from unexpected places.  I remember standing at the intersection where the accident occurred, thinking about how my life was going to change and how horrible things would be without my mom.  I feared the unknown, and I expected the worst.  The truth is that things usually don’t turn out to be as bad as we believe they will be, and sometimes absolutely wonderful and unexpected things result from disaster.  I seriously doubt I would have met my wife if my mom were still alive today.  I wouldn’t have come to know my precious children.  Sometimes life throws us a curve ball or we face unexpected changes.  Sometimes if we live in fear and fear the unknown, we miss out on the opportunities that lie undiscovered.

I miss my mom dearly.  More days than not I think about her and the legacy she left behind.  As painful as it was to lose her, I believe that my family was destined to learn valuable life lessons from this great loss.  I know I have grown tremendously through this experience, and through this experience, I have taken it upon myself to share the lessons I learned with others.  In a way, my life mission to help improve the lives of others is a way of honoring and thanking my mom for the great things she taught me, both when she was with me and after she left.  For that, I am forever thankful, and forever indebted.  Thanks Mom!  I love you!