I recall a conversation I had with a client who was struggling with her self-confidence and feelings of self-worth.  As I asked questions about how she felt about herself, she regularly put herself down and confirmed to herself and me that she wasn’t good at certain things, and detailed how she struggled with different aspects of her life.

Finally, after letting this conversation go on for some time, I pointed out that she wasn’t speaking about herself in a very flattering manner, and I asked her one simple question:

“Would you talk to your best friend the same way you’re talking to yourself?”

She paused and thought about it.  Finally she broke the silence with a rather sheepish response of “No.”

So, I ask you — would you talk to your best friend the same way that you talk to yourself?

Do you tell yourself how you’re a loser, or that you’re not good enough, or that you don’t have talents in certain areas?

And, if you do, why?  What do you get out of putting yourself down?  And, why are you so critical of yourself in the first place?

Instead of spending so much time in a “judgment” zone, why not try spending more time in a “reflection and analysis” zone?

Try asking more questions of yourself — questions that don’t have solid answers.

Some great questions to try would be as follows:

“Why do I believe I need to change who or how I am?”

“Who is this change important to?”

“Why do I believe I need to be critical of myself?”

“What do I get out of being critical?”

“How would my life change if I would change this about myself?”

These are just starters, but they are intended to help you get going on asking yourself questions for which only you can answer.

Through my own self-inquiry and reflection, I’ve realized that sometimes the only reason why I felt that changes were necessary were because of things that other people had told me, or because I was attached to some sort of outcome or desired something that was more material than anything else.  Once I let go of being attached to it, I realized that there really was no change that was necessary.  Or, I determined that there was nothing I could do about it, and it wasn’t worth getting upset about it in the first place.

I’ve determined that if I spend less time judging myself, and more time simply getting to know who I am and accepting myself for who I am, I am much more relaxed and at peace with myself.  Instead of thinking thoughts that are critical and that put me down, I think about who I am and what it means to be me.

Is it possible that there are things, after self-analysis, that you still don’t like about yourself, and that you do want to change?  Absolutely.

At that time, then perhaps you can ask yourself why it is that you want to change those things.  A great place to start is to look at your own set of personal values.  Is this thing you wish to change in violation or at an incongruence with your main set of personal values?  And, if so, what can you do to move things to better alignment?

Instead of taking time to be critical of yourself, why not spend the time to get to know yourself better?  How can you speak to yourself in a more kind way, and how can you help yourself through self-reflection to better help you determine the best next step in your own development and growth?

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/debord/4932655275

One of my absolute favorite places to be is right in the middle of a forest.  I love being surrounded by nothing but nature, immersed in the sounds of the wind blowing through the leaves of the trees, the singing of the birds, and the sounds of the animals as they scurry about through the leaves and up the trees.

It’s my haven; it’s my eden.  It’s my place of calm and serenity.  It’s where I love to be whenever I can get there, and it is a place where I feel grounded, at peace, and a place where I can become very clear.

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity on a beautiful day to make my way to a local nature center, which features a lengthy walking path through the woods.  Along the way, I took my time and just took in the sounds, smells, and other sensations.

As I made my way to one of the thickest areas of the forest, I stopped, listened, and observed.  I began to think about a lot of things that people spend their time concerned with, such as what’s being reported on in the news, what’s going on in sports, what’s going on at work, and other things in which people consume their thoughts and affairs.

Finally, amidst it all, one question popped into my head, as I stood there, listening and observing:

“How much does it really matter?”

How much do those birds care about what’s going on in sports?  Do the squirrels have a care about the individual or collective problems we face?  What do the trees have to say about it?  How much does does that really matter right here, right now, in this forest?

When I took the time to think about it through this perspective, it was extremely pacifying and calming.  It also provided a moment of levity, as I realized that sometimes the things that we get caught up in, in a much different and larger perspective, really don’t matter as much as we think they do when we are completely immersed in whatever it is that we’re caught up in at the moment (and keep going back to with our thoughts).

I reflected upon this afterward, trying to figure out why exactly I felt that extreme calm and serenity at that moment.  The answer came later as I was reading a piece about conflict resolution, and there was a passage about gaining a point of view that is outside yourself and broadening your perspective.

“That’s it!”  I thought.  It’s a change in perspective.  When I was in those woods, I began to view the world considering the perspective of the forest as a whole and everything within it.  I thought about the trees and the animals, and wondered what our individual human concerns meant to the forest.  At that moment, the individual, egoic concerns of mine (and human kind as a whole) seemed completely miniscule, minor, and irrelevant, and it was lovely (and liberating).

I encourage you to find your own personal haven.  Perhaps, just like me, it’s the forest.  Maybe it’s on a calm lake, or perhaps on the beach along the ocean.  Maybe it’s only a place you know about.  Wherever it is, I encourage you to visit that place, either physically or mentally, and just immerse yourself in the experience.  Take in the sounds, sights, smells, and any other sensations you can, and just “be” for a moment.

Listen to the “symphony” of sounds that exist in the here and now.  Think about this haven as a whole entity, rather than a collection of individual parts.  Just take it all in.

Then, finally, once you’ve gained a perspective of your haven, just observe and reflect.  Let things happen, and see what thoughts come to mind for you.  Perhaps you’ll also find those moments of absolute clarity, which provide you with the peace and serenity you desire, or perhaps you’ll find moments of inspiration that will help you in one or more ways.

When we can assume a point of view outside of ourselves, sometimes we can gain the peace and clarity that we desire to give us a sense of perspective of the size of our own concerns.  For me, the simple question of “How much does that really matter” had a profound effect upon me, and has carried over into my life outside of my haven, and has still provided clarity and peace many times over.

I wish you the best on your journey to your haven, and as you discover those moments of peace, serenity, and clarity.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/nicholas_t/4676922881

Thoughts are powerful.  Without the power of thinking, we would not progress as a society.  We would lack innovation and creativity.  We would not enjoy the advent of new technology and the benefits of such.  However, sometimes “thinking” can get us into trouble.  But the reason why may not be the reason you “think.”

The reason is that, tragically, in my opinion, many people believe “thoughts” to be things that really aren’t at all proper thoughts.  To demonstrate, I’ll provide two different examples of “thoughts” to allow you to distinguish between the two:

Example 1: “I think that the most efficient way to communicate with others is to enter their information into a mailing list database, whereas I can send them all communication at one time with the click of a button.”

Example 2: “I think that she is trying to be efficient because she is sending me communication through a mailing list database.”

So, which “thought,” of the two given examples above,  is a proper thought?

If you picked the first example, then you and I are in agreement.  And here’s why — The first “thought” is a reflection; it’s an observation.  It’s a reflection of our reflections.  It’s internal.  It may be the result of deliberation and experiences and the sum of many different experiences that lead to the formulation of an idea about something.  That is what I would deem a “proper” thought.

The reason why I do not agree that the second example is a proper “thought” is because the use of the term “think” in that second example is not a reflection or an observation, even though it may appear to be such.  In my opinion, the term “think” is rather an interpretation, or judgment, or analysis of another’s behavior.

Just because you “think” she is trying to be more efficient, you only have the facts available at your disposal, which is that you are receiving email from her through a mailing list.  The rationale behind the observable act is anyone’s guess, with exception to the person who is sending emails through that database.

Now, if you were to ask her person why she is sending emails through the mailing list, and she tells you that she is doing it because she wishes to be more efficient, then you have your answer.  But until you know the facts of the situation, all you have is speculation, conjecture, opinion, judgment, analysis, guesswork, hunches, hypotheses, stabs in the dark, and supposition.

This brings me to the point I am trying to bring across to you today: I advise you to be cautious about what you “think” are “thoughts” that really aren’t proper thoughts at all, because they can end up causing more problems than you’d prefer.  Or, perhaps you’ve already been using them and are trying to figure out why you’re suffering and things aren’t quite as wonderful as you’d like.

Either way, I recommend you give some time to reflect upon what is really a “thought” before you start telling people what you “think.”  Unfortunately, in my opinion, we’ve been conditioned to freely interchange one type of “thought” with the other type of “thought.”  When we tell people we’re “thinking,” what we’re really telling them is how we are interpreting the actions of others.

How can you tell which is which?  Here’s a very easy way to discern between the two — ask yourself what comes after the word “think.”

If the word “he,” “she,” “they,” or “you” follows the word “think,” chances are it’s an interpretation, diagnosis, judgment, and speculation.  This will likely land you in the land of debate and argument and discord.

For example, if you say to someone, “I think that you are being unreasonable,” what do you think your chances are of the other person saying (sincerely), “You’re right.  I’m being completely unreasonable!  Wow.  Boy, did I make a mistake.  My apologies!”  I’ll put it this way: don’t hold your breath waiting for that type of sincere response.

The reason why you won’t get that type of response is because you interpreted and diagnosed the motives behind the observable act that took place.  Before you jump into saying “you’re being unreasonable,” back up and figure out what “unreasonable” looks like.  What actually happened that led to your diagnosis of such?  That’s where the conversation needs to start, in my opinion.

So, what are you thinking?  Are you disguising judgment and diagnosis as a thought?  Or, are you truly and authentically reflecting and contemplating internally?  Take some time to properly “think” about it, and take some more time to “think” before you tell other people what you “think,” and I “think” you’ll be in a much better place as a result.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/seatbelt67/502255276

There are things that we do, without realizing, that are small acts of violence and actually perpetuate its cycle.

Watch this video and find out if you perpetuate peace, or whether you perpetuate violence.

Do you brush your teeth twice a day? If you’re like the majority of Americans, you do.

You might think that this is an odd question to start off with on the topic of happiness, but it actually couldn’t be better placed. One of the few habits that has become universally accepted focuses on the health of teeth. And just like perfect teeth don’t come without daily brushing, success and wealth don’t just happen overnight; they are the result of a lifestyle. A set of simple, daily tasks that, compounded over time, lead to one’s ultimate success. If perfect teeth, wealth and success are the result of simple actions repeated daily, could a qualitative trait such as happiness develop in the same way?

After over a decade of research, Shawn Achor, a world-renowned positive psychologist and the author of the Happiness Advantage, has finally found the answer to this question; and I want to share his findings with you. In just two minutes (the time it takes to brush teeth) we can form habits that are scientifically proven to improve mental health and happiness over time. To make matters even more exciting, Shawn has discovered through his research that it is actually happiness that ultimately leads to success, not the other way around like the age-old theory suggests. So if happiness is the result of a simple set of daily habits, and also ultimately leads to success, what can we do to become happier?  Without further ado, I present to you Shawn’s five habits of happiness:

1. Gratitude

An extensive study on the subject of gratitude cites that a one-time act of thoughtful gratitude produced an immediate 10% increase in happiness and 35% reduction in depressive symptoms. Although the effects disappeared after six months, there is a way to permanently increase happiness. In another test, participants were instructed to write down three positive occurrences and their causes every night for one week. The long-lasting impact was incredible.

 “After one week, participants were 2% happier than before, but in follow-up tests, their happiness kept on increasing, from 5% at one month, to 9% at six months. All this, even though they were only instructed to journal for one week.”

There will always be positives and negatives in life, so you’re far better off directing your attention to the positives.

 2. The Doubler

An article by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., suggests that the human brain cannot distinguish between imagination (visualization, dreams) and actual experience. We can use this knowledge to live a much happier existence. Once per day, especially when feeling down, focus on one positive experience in your life and write down as many details as you can remember from it. The details should range from the environment of the experience, to emotions you felt during it, to the clothes you were wearing at the time. If we simply bring ourselves back to a positive experience in our imagination, our brains will react in the same way as if we were actually there.

 3. Fifteen Minutes of Cardio

Doing fifteen minutes of cardio per day has been scientifically proven to be as effective as taking a daily anti-depressant. I could write more on this subject, but you’re probably already aware of the endless benefits of daily exercise. It puts you in a better mindset, releases endorphins, and promotes clearer thinking.

 4. Meditation

It’s hard to deny the remarkable short and long-term benefits of meditation; it helps to reduce stress, decrease anxiety, lower blood pressure, boost the immune system, increase optimism, and the list goes on. You can read about some of the science behind meditation here, here, and here. The goal is to slow down, be mindful, and focus on nothing but your breath for as little as two minutes every day. As long as you are consistent, you will see tremendous changes in your life due to this simple practice.

 5. Send a Positive Email

Before doing anything else in the morning, open up your computer and send one positive email or text to anybody who has had an impact on your life. It could be a thank you note to a middle school teacher, a coach, a professor, a co-worker, or even the hippie you randomly met at a festival. In his book, Shawn Achor describes a study done at Harvard that shows a significantly stronger correlation between happiness and social connection than the one between smoking and cancer. If you do nothing else, do this for twenty-one straight days. There is a much better chance that this simple practice will increase your levels of happiness than there is that you will get cancer from smoking. Make your messages personal and do it first thing in the morning.

If you want to start living a happier, healthier, and ultimately more successful and abundant life, try doing just one of the five things listed above every day. If you can, turn all five into daily habits; it may be easier than you think. If you brush your teeth for 2 minutes a day in order to have a healthier mouth, why not focus on keeping the most important part of your body healthy…? Your mind.

About the Author, Emily Cedar:

Emily is one of the “kids” who started The Kid Monks blog.  In addition to working on her blog, she loves to explore, create, travel, do crossfit, meditate, and chill outdoors.  She bleeds maize and blue and considers herself an optimist when it comes to Michigan Football.  You can contact Emily at emily@thekidmonks.com.

Image: Vishwas Krishna http://goo.gl/5KhRZ4

I don’t know about you, but it occurs often while I am reading a book that the author makes a reference to another author or book that inspired them.  I immediately stop reading the book and go searching for that author or that book to check it out.  It’s hard to finish a book that way, when you keep interrupting your reading because you’re going off on a scavenger hunt for more books to read!

Nevertheless, on one of my excursions I came across the writings of Florence Scovel Shinn.  She was born in the 1870s, and she died in 1940.  Behind her she left some absolute gems of writing, one of them, published in 1925, titled The Game of Life and How to Play It.  It is described as down to earth and filled with anecdotes, covering topics that include prosperity, healing, forgiveness, faith, and Divine Design.

The book is an easy read, and it teaches some valuable lessons through many stories and examples.  One of the ideas that I really took to was the idea of essentially “blessing your misfortunes.”  Instead of being angry or fearful about what happened, what may happen, or what is happening, Shinn recommends changing the way you view your circumstances.

Why would you do this?  She explains it this way: “We must substitute faith for fear, for fear is only inverted faith; it is faith in evil instead of good.  The object of the game of life is to see clearly one’s good and to obliterate all mental pictures of evil.  This must be done by impressing the subconscious mind with a realization of good.”

In other words, if you seek all the reasons why you are justified to be suffering from the unfortunate situation, if you affirm that unfortunate things seem to always happen to you, or if you are convinced that people have it in for you and are plotting against you or have evil intentions, you are giving into fear.  You are exhibiting “faith in evil,” instead of having faith in the good in you and the good in everyone and everything around you.

It’s only natural when things go wrong that we brood over it and curse and sit in that place of frustration, anger, and resentment.  The problem with letting this go on is that our mental dialogue starts to take over, and we begin to think about perhaps the other person that’s involved.  We start to think about how they may have done something intentional to us or had ill intentions.

Our mental dialogue may start to chime in about how bad things always happen to us but don’t seem to happen to other people.  We may get more frustrated as we start to compile a list of our misfortunes and start comparing it to those around us, especially those who have a shorter list.

But what does all this do?  It creates a resonance of negative energy within.  It activates the stress centers of our brains, thrusting us into a stress response.  We begin to shut down the thinking parts of our brains, and we crumble to fear and negativity.

By blessing your misfortunes, thanking them for the lesson they taught, and by blessing others who are involved and seeking the good in them, affirming your faith in the good in them, you will begin to have faith in yourself.  You’ll start to activate the loving, compassionate parts of your brain, and you’ll begin to think loving thoughts and bring to mind memories of pleasant experiences and examples of times when things did go well for you.

In short, if you curse your misfortunes, you’ll begin to see misfortune in your world.  If you bless your misfortunes, you’ll begin to see blessings in your world.  Your world becomes a reflection of your thoughts and active concentration.  Concentrate on the good.  BE the good in the situation.  By being, you will shape your environment. By being, you will influence those around you. By being, you will have the power to create your own circumstances and attitude about them.

Begin with blessings, and blessings will follow.  Begin by expressing your faith in the good, and the good will come as a result. When you start counting your blessings, even in your misfortunes, you’ll quickly see that more good will come out of it as a result.

Photo: http://www.freeimages.com/profile/cjn