If you’re human, you’ve had an encounter with someone who has rubbed you the wrong way.  Maybe it’s an annoying habit, or chronic negativity, or over-committing while under-delivering.  No matter what the personality trait, these annoyances can disrupt our peace and our workflow, and it can also seemingly suck the vital energy out of us, leaving us frustrated and exhausted, and no closer to a resolution of the issue.

What do you do when someone gets on your nerves?  After all, on the surface, we know that it’s not nice to not be nice to other people, and we also know that it’s a waste of time and energy to get hung up on how we feel about someone who annoys us in the first place.

Let’s start out by talking about what “annoyance” is.  The experience of annoyance arises from negative emotions.  These emotions may be anger, frustration, aggravation, impatience, or even resentment.  But we have to understand that when we experience these emotions we are allowing the activities and behaviors of other people to affect our inner environment.

Who controls your feelings?

After all, who makes you feel the way you feel?  If you are responding internally with “me,” you’re absolutely correct!  You are the one who makes you feel the way you feel.  But, then I will ask you — if you know that you are the one who makes you feel the way you feel, why are you allowing the actions and behaviors of others to affect the way you feel internally?  Why are you allowing the external to affect your internal?

We’ve all been there, and maybe you’re still there now.  You are allowing the behaviors of others to disrupt your ideal “you.”  If you’d do an inventory of your core values, chances are they would include values such as love, respect, kindness, and compassion.  And, when we act in alignment with those values, we satisfy them and therefore experience the positive emotions that come along with living in accordance with those values.

If you’re struggling to find a way past the annoyance from others who are disrupting your peace, I suggest that you focus on the act of disconnecting yourself from that other person and the emotional experience that accompanies your relationship with them.  This involves shifting from a perspective of allowing the external to affect your internal to one in which you arouse curiosity within regarding the needs and feelings of other people.  When you invoke curiosity, you employ empathy and compassion.  These are two core values which can provide you with the leverage you need to return to your own core values and re-instate your control over your own personal emotions and be unfettered by the actions and behaviors of other people who may have annoyed you up to this point.

When we arouse curiosity about others’ feelings and needs, we seek to establish a relationship between the two.  After all, feelings are connected to needs.  If we need something and we don’t get it, it results in a negative feeling.  The end result is that usually there is an unpleasant or unwelcome behavior that accompanies it.  This may be the very thing that we are observing in those who are getting under our skin or bothering us.

Two questions to ask

So when we observe that annoying behavior, the questions to ask are, “What is going on inside that person?” and, “Are they struggling to fulfill an internal need?”  You can even go beyond that and start to think of what a person may need.  Now you need to be cautious that these needs that you’re coming up with are actual needs and not interpretations.  An interpretation would be “they need to be right,” where a need would be “recognized as competent.”  The two on the surface may sound the same, but you can see that the interpretation employs the concept of “right/wrong,” whereas the other does not.  Try to keep needs as objective as possible.  If you’re struggling to come up with needs, the Center for Nonviolent Communication provides a comprehensive list that you can refer to for some assistance.

Once we begin to understand that the unpleasant behavior that we observe stems from what I would consider a “pain point,” meaning that they are struggling to have needs met, we become more compassionate and understanding of why they do what they do.  Now if you’re not closely related to that person, you can stop right there, and simply understand that their annoying behavior is caused by a non-fulfillment of their needs or values.  This is where the disconnect happens.  Once you do that, you are no longer tethered to their issues, and you restore your control of your own core values and realize that your happiness is not determined by external circumstances or factors.

However, if you do have a relationship with the other person, you can simply ask them what you can do to help them or help them feel better about what’s going on in their life.  You can alternatively share your observations and how it is impacting your ability to meet your own needs, and engage in a discussion toward a resolution of the difficult issue.

It doesn’t happen instantly, but taking that first step and acknowledging that you are in control of your emotions and attempting to disconnect your emotions from the actions and behaviors of others can be a crucial step in regaining your composure and inner peace in the midst of annoyance or frustration.  This is such an important step, and it’s frequently one that we don’t even consider, because we’re getting carried away in a negative emotional experience, and projecting the responsibility of our emotions onto another person.  This is not correct nor justified because we know that we, and we alone are responsible for the way we feel.

Two last things to consider:  Number one, people aren’t annoying on purpose.  The behavior stems from a deeper cause.  Number two, we may be an annoyance to other people and not even realize it.  Our behaviors and actions may be disrupting the peace of others, which is, in turn affecting your relationship with that person.  We’re hard pressed to find anyone in civilized society that is actually and intentionally attempting to disrupt the peace and well-being of other people.  We all are in this world, trying to do the best we can with what we have.  If we can all step back and realize that we’re all cut from the same cloth and going through this human experience all together, perhaps we will gain a valuable perspective that inserts a little more patience and understanding into our lives when it comes to interacting with other people, annoying as they may have seemed to us at one time.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/pedrosimoes7/34126109625

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a group about simple ways to find more happiness in life.  I shared a story about a man who was very successful in that he had his own thriving business, had lots of money, and loved his work as a business owner.  Someone had asked that man why he worked so many long and hard hours.

He answered that it was because he wanted the things that came with success.  He wanted things that were enjoyable to touch, taste, smell, see and hear.  The other man then asked why he wanted those things.

On it went, the successful man answering why, and the other continuing to ask “why” back, again and again.  Eventually, they got down to the core reason why he did what he did, and that was to be “happy.”

We all want to be happy

If we all were asked the same question – “Why do you do the things you do?” – the core answer for many of us would be because we too want to be “happy.”  But some of us are “unhappy” most days of our lives, and the idea of happiness seems so distant and so unrealistic at times that we become pessimistic about life and doubtful about the possibility of happiness.

But, what is happiness, really?  If you ask ten people you’ll probably get ten slightly different answers.  One may tell you being with their family is happiness.  Another may say happiness is to have meaning in life.  Still, another may suggest for them happiness is having stability.  It’s easy to see that happiness is defined by many as an idea or vision rather than an emotion.

In reality, however, happiness itself is an emotion.  It is just like sadness, anger, frustration, or joy.  It’s fleeting.  So what we’re trying to do is capture something that changes from instant to instant and hold it indefinitely in a sustained state.  This is virtually impossible for most people, simply because we don’t have years of practice in the ways of meditation and deep introspection that is required to find a continual and perpetual state of bliss.

Instead, we find ourselves with the challenge of understanding that what we believe happiness to be and what happiness really is are two very different things.  And if we continue to chase after happiness the emotion with the idea of realizing the vision of what happiness represents for us, we will find ourselves unsuccessful and, eventually, unhappy too.

May I suggest to you that instead of holding on to this idea of “happiness,” that you focus on ways that you can become more resilient, have a more positive outlook, be more aware of your surroundings, look inward more often, and develop your ability to stay focused and fixed in concentration on a single task or idea.  The reason I suggest this is because these are some of the emotional styles that have been identified through roughly forty years of research into our emotions by Dr. Richard Davidson at the University of Wisconsin.

There are six emotional styles that “define” our personality, and these play a huge role in how “happy” we are from moment to moment.  For example, if you are more resilient, meaning that you can bounce back relatively quickly from setbacks, you are generally going to sustain a more positive emotional state, so to speak, more often.  If you’re interested in learning more about these emotional styles and even take your own emotional style quiz (and receive tips on how to improve some of these if you’d like), please follow this link.

The good news is that you can alter your emotional state through what Davidson calls “effortful training,” but the not-so-great news is that this type of training does take some time.  Chances are you’re reading this because you’re trying to figure out ways that you can help yourself now (while starting on that effortful training too, right?).

The “I am” practice

One thing I suggest to help you determine whether you are “on the right track” in life for you is to do a very fast and easy exercise called the “I am…” practice.  To get started, find a blank sheet of paper and a pen or pencil, and write the words “I am” at the top of the page.  Next, think about how you would describe yourself at your very best — think about how you would view yourself in perfection and write those words down.

You may write words like, “loving,” “kind,” “compassionate,” “silly,” “respectful,” and the like.  Just keep writing down as many words as you can think of that describe the perfect version of you.  After you believe that you’ve come up with a sufficient number of words, take a look a what you’ve written.  These are your personal core values.

Core values are your “moral code” for the life you lead.  It’s the rules by which you play the game of life, and when you follow those rules, life is “better” more often than it is not.  For example, if you wrote down that you are “honest,” then “honesty” would be the core value.  If someone asked you to be dishonest, or if you were dishonest yourself, chances are you would not feel “good” about yourself because you are acting in contradiction to one of your core values.

Generally, if someone is rather unhappy in their life one of the reasons may simply be that they are living a life that is not in alignment with their core values.  After all, if you’re playing the game of life by rules that oppose the ones you’ve established for yourself, it’s not going to be a fun game at all.  While there may be other causes for unhappiness (obviously), if you are struggling to know if you’re on the “right” path for you in life, starting with an assessment of how closely you’re aligned with your core values is a great way to begin.

I suggest pursuing those “virtuous” values, like love, generosity, kindness, and respect.  Start by making a purposeful effort to embody those virtues as often as you can, while being mindful and aware of the times when you begin to violate those values.  For example, you may find that you employ sarcasm on a regular basis throughout the day.  This does not align with love, kindness, or respect.  Once you pick up on this, you can turn things around and refrain from sarcasm until it becomes something you don’t do anymore.

One last tip – listen to those nearest and dearest to you.  Are they telling you things about your behavior?  For example, my wife had told me that I seem to need to have the last word in conversations or discussions.  Was she right in her assessment?  Well, after thinking about it and being mindful in my conversations, yes, she made an accurate statement.  Sometimes it takes our ability to set the ego aside and listen to those who not only see us as we are but also are not afraid to tell us to learn of those things that we do that are not in alignment with our values.

If you’re looking for a way to get started today to determine whether you are on the “right” track for you in life, just take a few moments to describe who you are at your very best, and then do some soul searching and practice some introspection to see how closely you are aligned with your own personal core values.  Chances are if you find that you’re closely aligned with your values, life is pretty good for you.  But if life is not so wonderful more days than not, I suspect you’ll find that there are some core values that really mean a lot to you from which you are far removed.  The more distant you are from your core values the more pain you experience from that distance.  If you are suffering, take some time to really think about what you can do right now, here, today, to start honoring your core values more often.  It just takes a few small steps in the “right” direction for you, focused on your core values, to get you started on the “right” path in life for you.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/53771866@N05/6162232402

Most people don’t find themselves contemplating whether to forgive someone who killed one of their parents, but that’s where I found myself at a young age.  When I was sixteen years old, my mom and I were coming home from a local shopping trip.  As we approached an intersection, a man driving a truck didn’t happen to see us and pulled out in front of us and struck our vehicle.  My mom was killed instantly.

I struggled with forgiveness for close to twenty years, refusing to forgive.  I felt anger, frustration, and bitterness.  I felt cheated out of future experiences.  I suffered greatly, and I wouldn’t have suffered in this way if it weren’t for that single incident of carelessness on the part of another person.  It was so wrong, as I saw it, that the person who caused this got to get up and walk away, while my family suffered greatly.

I’ve taken my story on the road and have spoken to groups on the topic of forgiveness, and they’re well attended.  I don’t know if it’s because people are looking for a way to deal with their feelings, or whether they’re contemplating forgiving, or if they’re simply trying to gain a different perspective on their own circumstances.  But, the fact that people are willing to come to listen tells me that there is a deep and core tendency toward forgiveness in the human spirit.  It’s almost as if we have an inner “knowing” that we want to forgive, but because of the circumstances, it’s difficult to take that step.

Forgiveness is hard to do.

It’s hard to consider.  It’s difficult when we are faced with a situation in which we believe we were wronged, or that someone did something wrong.  It’s even harder when that act of wrongness causes pain and suffering on our part.  And when we are asked to consider forgiving, some people draw the line and decide they aren’t going to forgive because of how they feel.

For many, forgiveness represents weakness or approval in a way – that one is “giving in,” and saying that what happened is “okay.”  For others, they are still waiting for an apology from the other person, and it isn’t until they receive that apology that they can consider forgiveness.  Still, for others, there is bitterness, anger, hate, and resentment over what happened, and no matter what anyone says or does, what is wrong is wrong, and they will never, ever, consider forgiving, and they will never forget what happened.

When I stand up in front of people and present this idea of forgiveness, I don’t speak to them from the perspective of telling them that they’re wrong for not considering forgiving.  I simply ask them to think about themselves for a moment, and not about the person whom they are contemplating (or resisting) the offering of forgiveness.  That’s because, in my opinion, the reality of forgiveness is this:

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, and not for others.

When you withhold forgiveness, you are only hurting yourself.  When you hold on to that anger, resentment, bitterness, or that feeling of being wronged or cheated, it causes distress and pain within yourself more than it will ever cause that same kind of pain within the other person.

Consider this:

“Withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for your perpetrator to die.” (Author unknown)

Unless you’re calling that other person every day and reminding them of how much what they have done has deeply hurt you, chances are they are not hurting as much as you are over whatever it is that you’re upset about.  That’s reality.

In the meantime, your withholding of forgiveness is keeping you fixed in time over a painful event.  You’re held stagnant, unable to move forward.  You’re potentially ruining interpersonal relationships, both in the past and present.  You’re adding stress to your life and negatively affecting your health.  You’re primarily hurting yourself.

So what does forgiveness represent, and why do we need to finally forgive?

People get hung up on forgiving, simply because they are still experiencing negative emotions associated with the event that caused the pain in the first place.  They’ve been told somewhere along the line that you can’t truly forgive until you are no longer angry, sad, frustrated, bitter, or resentful about what happened.

This is simply not true.  Forgiveness simply means that you are ready to move forward with your life, and put this event behind you.

Is it possible to move on, but still be angry?  Absolutely.  Is it possible to forgive, but still be hurt or sad?  Yes!

Forgiveness isn’t at all about getting to that point where you say that you are no longer angry, so all is forgiven.  That’s not forgiveness!  Forgiveness is all about doing something for yourself, which is moving forward, and telling yourself that you’re no longer going to give any more time, attention, thought, or energy toward that one event that happened.  It’s about telling yourself that you are no longer a prisoner of the past and that you are ready to move forward, living and enjoying your life as the best version of yourself.

To forgive is to move on with your life, no longer shackled by the chains of a past event that had gotten you down or caused you pain and suffering.

That’s what forgiveness represented for me, when, after close to twenty years, I was able to forgive the man who killed my mom.  I didn’t do it for him.  I did it for me.  I realized that I was fixated on this past event, and in the meantime, I was only hurting myself.  I suffered such tremendous physical, and emotional pain because I felt so wronged and cheated.  It was time to move on do something for myself, and so I did.  I forgave him.

We don’t have to forgive in person either.  It is perfectly okay to write a letter, getting everything out on paper, and then shred or burn the note.  It’s even okay to forgive in spirit, where you simply decide all is forgiven, and you’re deciding to move on.  That’s what I did.  Forgiveness is about energy and mindset, so however you decide to forgive, as long as it’s okay with you, it’s okay to do it the way you wish.

To forgive doesn’t mean you’re weak.  To forgive is a sign of strength, where you take a stand and stand up for yourself.  To forgive is to believe in the best possible version of you.  Forgiveness is one hundred percent an act of love for yourself, and a huge step forward to living your life with purpose, positivity, and on your own terms.  To forgive is to love.  And best of all, that love is directed toward yourself.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/27630470@N03/4333784680

As a parent, it seems every weekday morning I find myself dancing along a “spectrum” of emotions, anywhere from giddy and excited to downright angry and frustrated.  It’s like riding a rainbow of feelings every morning!

But I really dislike anger.  It’s ugly.  It’s an emotion that can arise more quickly than I am able to prepare for its arrival, and it brings along with it a wrath like no other, leaving hurtful words and actions in its wake.  As I’ve made attempts to be more mindful of my words and actions, anger has only left me increasingly frustrated because I can see it coming, I can see it erupting, and then I can see the hurtful results in the end.  The most frustrating part about it for me is that even though I see it coming and going, I find myself “locked” into it and I can’t shake it until it’s over.  I know I am experiencing it, yet I struggle with stopping it before it completely unfolds.

But, in retrospect, as I reflect upon the arrival and departure of anger after the fact, I have found myself asking, “What is anger, really?”  What is this emotion?  And, more importantly, where does it come from?

In my book, Rise Above Criticism, Negativity, and Conflict, I dive into the origin of negative emotions.  I explore the core principles of nonviolent communication, where we learn that negative emotions simply arise from an inability to meet one’s own needs.  And, of course, the “wrath” that sometimes accompanies our negative emotions in the form of hurtful words or actions, is usually our “tragic,” yet inadequate attempt to ask others to help us meet our needs.

So, I get it — anger comes as a result of an unmet need.  But, what is “it” that we “need” which is actually leading to the anger?  To me, this is the core question which will reveal the true nature of anger and help us understand what we can do to actually overcome it and (hopefully) eliminate it from our “arsenal” of emotions to make our lives and the lives of others more wonderful.

As I’ve taken the time to reflect upon this, I’ve arrived at the conclusion that anger arises when our expectations of an outcome that we desire are not met.  Anger comes along when we want and expect a certain outcome, but we then realize that the outcome will either not be realized, or there is the possibility of that outcome not materializing.  When we make this realization, anger rears its ugly head.

Based on this determination, anger comes from clinging to an expectation.  If we can eliminate the expectation, we can eliminate the anger.  However, eliminating expectation is not an easy task for any of us, especially when we’ve been conditioned to set goals and create visions of what we would like the future to hold for us.  After all, successful people are the ones who establish goals and create vision boards and then work tirelessly to make it all happen.  So, when does a person decide that their ambitions and expectations are doing more harm than good?

Here’s where we all need to do our part and reflect mindfully on our own source of anger.  We need to take some time to think about where anger arises in our own lives and determine where that expectation resides, and what is its source.

For example, when I get angry as I’m trying to get my girls out of the house to get to school on time, my expectation to be out the door by a certain time on the clock is my hangup.  I’m expecting to leave by that time, and if I don’t leave at that time, or events are transpiring which are making it obvious to me that we may not make it out of the house at that time, that’s when the anger arises for me.

I realize that the anger is directed at something that is predicated upon the actions and behaviors of my daughters.  I have little control, other than my cheerleading and encouragement to keep moving forward and to keep getting ready.  Sometimes that lack of control leads to frustration too.

So, what can we do when we realize that anger is coming as a result of expectation, and specifically, the expectation we hold which is not being met?  We can start by ditching the expectation and replacing it with understanding.

What is understanding?  For me, understanding is being mindful and empathic.  Being mindful includes being totally aware of what is unfolding, realizing that things are unfolding because that’s the way it is happening, and being indifferent and unattached to an “idea” of how things “should” happen.  There is no “should.”  There is only what “is.”

Understanding in the form of empathy brings along with it an understanding of what is happening in the lives of other people.  When I am empathic, I put myself into my daughter’s shoes (figuratively, not literally, of course) and think about how they may be tired, or how they may not be really into going to school that day.  Maybe there’s a social situation that is on their minds and that’s occupying their thoughts.  Perhaps they’re not feeling well.  There’s a myriad of things that could be occurring that I am missing when I am fixated on meeting my own expectations and neglecting what’s happening in real time with my family members in the morning.

While it’s not an easy task, at least it’s an understandable and reasonable undertaking here.  I know that anger comes from clinging to an expectation — our expectation.  When I can eliminate expectation, and replace it with understanding in the form of mindfulness and empathy, I can not only see how I can overcome anger but also replace it with a much softer and more loving approach that benefits not only me but those I love and care about.

Do you have opportunities where you can inject more understanding into your life?  Can you think of ways that you can be more mindful of what is transpiring at the present moment, and can you be more empathic and understanding of the situations in which others may find themselves, which is contributing to their actions and behaviors?

Perhaps if we all can make a more conscious effort to be more understanding when the opportunities arise, we can all make this world a much less angry and a much more loving place to live in, and we can serve as a positive example for others to follow.  While it’s not easy, if we can expect less and understand more, we can bring to those around us a version of ourselves that motivates and empowers those we love and care about.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/aigle_dore/15136545574

Believe it or not, we have tremendous control over our conversations with other people, in that we have the power to greatly influence how it ends.  But, in order to control how positive or negative a conversation becomes, we need to have awareness of the primary influencers that can either improve things or contribute to things taking a turn for the worst.

All it takes is some attention and focus from to make sure that you don’t fall into the typical pitfalls or traps that can sabotage an attempt to handle a conversation and keep it positive.  Pulling of the task of turning negative conversations into positive ones takes a keen awareness and presence found in master communicators.  If you want to know what they do, here is a blueprint you can follow to help you turn a those potentially negative conversations into positive ones.

Master communicators stay away from making assumptions about other people’s motives or behaviors

Whenever we tell someone what we think about what another is doing or how they’re handling a situation we can be headed for trouble.  All it takes is something like, “I think that you’re not taking this situation seriously enough” to make things difficult for you.  Here’s why:

When you start out with “I think,” you’re beginning with an opinion.  You’re interpreting their actions and behaviors and telling them what you have picked up based on what you’ve observed.  You may be correct in your diagnosis, but when you start with “I think,” and follow it with a “you” (or “you’re” in this case), you are making it about them, rather than focusing on what’s going on inside of you.  This can sound like an accusation to another.

As you finish the sentence with “seriously enough,” again, this is an opinion.  You’re opening yourself up to a debate.  How seriously is “seriously enough?”  And, what would someone have to do to show you that they are being the “just right,” amount of being serious, without being “too serious?”  Using “too” or “not enough” is based on opinion, and it’s a preference, but you are implying wrongness when you use those words because you’re saying that only you know the “just right” amount of seriousness necessary.

Master communicators try to see things from other perspectives

If we think that our way is the right way, or if we believe that we’re right and other people are wrong, this can lead to problems as well.  Many of the struggles I’ve seen with other people in simply getting along and understanding others is a failure to be empathic.  They don’t seem to be able (or willing) to consider what things may be like for the other person, or they spend little to no time being curious as to what it must be like to be in the situation in which another finds themselves.

Master communicators allow others to completely say what they have to say (or at least give them some time to speak and say something!)

Simply allowing another person the opportunity to finish a complete sentence or share their opinion or perspective can be a tremendous help and show respect for the other person.  Giving time in our own conversations for space so that another person can process and actually speak is a big help too.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve been part of conversations during which I was unable to share my perspective or even speak because the other person in the conversation was doing all the talking and not leaving any space or time for a reply or comment.  To try to overcome this yourself, depending on who is talking, after you or the other person is done completing a sentence or articulating a thought, blink your eyes twice in succession (one immediately followed by another) before speaking.  This gives the other person a small window to speak if they want to.

Master communicators speak only to observable, non-arguable facts

If someone rolled their eyes, shrugged their shoulders, and sighed, that’s what they did.  If you toss in an evaluation of those observations and ask why they are getting impatient, frustrated, upset, or even more egregious descriptions of their behavior, you’re setting yourself up for a defensive and non-productive response.  Even if they are all those things, your diagnosis doesn’t help.  If you would say, “I noticed you sighed just there.  What’s going on?” you are opening up to a conversation, rather than an argument about what the other person did (or did not do.

Master communicators listen for the “please”

People say “please” in the strangest ways.  Someone could be making fun of the size of your nose, and they could really be asking “could you please help me feel more secure about how I appear to others?”  If we can try to identify what a person’s “pain point” is, and what they are needing, you can “listen through” their sometimes not-so-nice words and find that they are really asking for you to help them.  The problem is that when others are asking “please” in a way that can offend or upset others, they’re pushing people away from themselves instead of making it desirable for others to actually help them.

Master communicators link feelings to needs or values

When you are listening to another person and what they are saying, try to figure out how they’re feeling at the moment.  Do you think they’re frustrated?  Angry?  Fearful?  And what is causing that feeling to emerge?  What is it that they value?

For example, if someone values their time, they may be complaining about how something is a waste of their time.  They are frustrated because they have a need to spend their time wisely and efficiently.  They are really asking “Could you please help me make wise and efficient use of my time?” but they are expressing their frustration in a way that can come across as a criticism or a complaint to others.

Master communicators ask for clarification

Once you’ve allowed the other person to express themselves completely, without interrupting, as you’ve tried to picture things from their perspective, and at the same time listening for the “please,” you may want to ask for clarification.  You may want to repeat what is their need or speak to their feelings, to see if they give verbal confirmation.  If you can identify their need, feeling, and rephrase their negatively expressed statements in a way that links the need to the feeling, you’ll make a positive connection, and the conversation will move in a positive direction.

The other person will know that you’re attempting to connect with them at the heart, and really understand what is going on.  Not only will they appreciate you listening to them, but they’ll also know that you’re trying to help them get whatever it is that they want, need, or value.

You could say something like, “I can really understand how it can be so frustrating when this information can be shared by an email, rather than having everyone sit in a meeting and listen to someone read the information off of a piece of paper.”  If you connect with that person, they’ll agree, and they will know you “get” them and what they’re trying to say.

Master communicators find a solution that meets needs or satisfies values of everyone

Finally, if you can connect on the feeling and the need, you can work with them to figure out a solution that works for them to meet their needs or help them get what they want or value.  You can ask them for their ideas or what they think would be a reasonable solution to this situation.  The idea is that this becomes a conversation where ideas and feelings and values are shared, so that everyone is heard and respected.  It’s important to take things to the next level, and also share your needs and values, especially if meeting another person’s needs seem mutually exclusive to you meeting yours.  That’s why…

Master communicators don’t forget their own needs and values

Remember that there doesn’t need to be a winner or loser in a conversation.  If you and the other person can really speak to the needs and values you both share, you will be able to continue the conversation until you get to a point where the needs and values of both are honored or met with a solution that works for everyone.  If you can only find a compromise, that means that the needs or values of one or more have not been met or recognized.

It’s possible for any potentially negative conversation to become a positive one, but it takes work.  It takes listening power, respect, time, space, and empathy.  As long as both people are willing to share from the heart, and as long as one person is able and willing to facilitate the exchange and guide it along, there should be no reason why the conversation shouldn’t end up with a positive outcome that works for all.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/cruzart/17037720877

I’ve meditated in some way, shape, and form for the past five years.  To be honest, when I started meditating, I wasn’t all that sure of what I was doing, but I figured that anything I tried was better than nothing.

One of the most difficult things about meditation, in my opinion, is that it takes a bit of work at the beginning, and you don’t see a lot of return on that investment of time and effort.  Someone had used the analogy of putting a drop of red food coloring in a bathtub full of water.  One drop, two drops, and three drops make absolutely no difference in the color of the water in the tub.  However, drop after drop, if you keep adding drops of red food coloring to that water, you’ll begin to see changes in the color of the water.

As I’ve really put in the time and effort over the past year to establish a regular meditation practice and routine for myself, I’ve really noticed some differences, and some of them have been pretty surprising.  So, on the off-chance that you have started on your own meditation path, or whether you’re considering establishing your own meditation routine, I wanted to share with you the eight biggest surprises that I’ve discovered through meditation.

My blood pressure has dropped

I used to struggle with elevated blood pressure.  I know it came from mentally pushing myself to achieve, achieve, and achieve.  While I know it’s good to have goals and ambitions, I also know to pursue them at the expense of your well-being is not wise.  Meditation has helped me relax and relieve the self-pressure I’ve applied over the past five years, and I’ve seen my blood pressure drop as a result.

My heart rate has decreased

Related to the point above, my resting heart rate usually is below 60.  I am physically active as well, and I know that physical health contributes to lower resting heart rates, but I’ve been active for well over ten years now, but I don’t recall consistently having a resting heart rate that low.  Since I’ve “upped” my meditation practice, I’ve lowered my resting heart rate.

I need fewer “things”

One of the great benefits of meditation is building a sense of awareness.  If you want to call it an awareness of the self, the non-self, the universe, or whatever you want to call it, I’ve benefitted from it nonetheless.  I’ve noticed that I don’t get caught up in materialism.  I don’t really care what other people have.  I don’t need to have the latest gadgets or devices.  Does that mean that I completely cut out the “creature comforts” of life?  Absolutely not.  However, I can safely say I am much more selective when it comes to deciding whether I really “need” something.  I’ve noticed that I have found that I can live better with less.

I realized how insignificant some things are

Piggy-backing off of the observation above, with increased awareness I’ve been able to put some things into perspective, and realize that some of the things that people get worked up over are not really “big” things.  In the grand scheme of things, it’s not significant, and if we stop paying attention to these things, they’ll go away.  Some problems are perpetuated only by people talking about them.  A breakthrough moment came to me last year when I was walking alone in the woods.  I was thinking about all the things that were bothering me, and I thought, “Does this matter to the trees in this woods?  Does it affect the woodland creatures that live here?  Do they care?”  I realized those things that were such a big deal to me were of absolutely no significance to the living things in the woods.  I felt very small, and my concerns were so much smaller still.  I realized right then and there that things aren’t as important as I believed them to be.  Meditation has helped me to realize how unimportant and insignificant some things are.

I’ve learned to let go of some things

Through increased awareness, I’ve realized that I had a hard time letting go of some things.  I’ve made large efforts toward letting go of the need to be in control and make decisions.  I’ve been working very hard on letting go of having the last word in a conversation.  I know there are more that I’ve let go of along the way, but no doubt as my meditation practice has improved and developed, I’ve become more aware, and I’ve let go of more things that I didn’t even realize I was attached to.

I have better control of my emotions

This has proven to be a huge benefit.  I’ve struggled my entire lifetime with keeping my emotions under control.  I’ve gotten so much better, but I’ve got so much more to go.  But, as long as I continue to meditate and build that awareness, I know I will continue to improve.  It’s gotten to the point now where in the moment of losing control of my emotions I am consciously aware, at the moment, that it’s happening.  The next step for me will be to stop immediately when that awareness comes.  I’m getting close, but I still have some room for improvement.

I am a happier person

Because of all the items mentioned above, I am much happier.  It’s amazing how much our attachment to certain things and our tendency to get caught up in unimportant and insignificant matters can get between us and our happiness.  The more aware I’ve become and the more I’ve been able to cut the unpleasant and unnecessary out of my life, the happier I get.  Life is good!

I look forward to meditating

This was the biggest surprise for me.  At the beginning, meditation felt like something I was “compelled” to do.  It was kind of like brushing teeth.  It’s not exactly fun to do, but if you do it, you’ll benefit from the practice.  That’s how meditation was for me.  I did it because I knew I could get some benefits out of it.  That really sounds selfish, doesn’t it?

What was surprising is that as I’ve really made an effort to do it consistently and deeply, I’ve enjoyed it more and more.  I actually look forward to being able to meditate, and when I can’t I feel like I’m missing out on something.  Meditation has become a joy to me, and it has become something that I eagerly anticipate.  And, it’s become a practice that I do for the betterment of this entire universe, and not only me.  I don’t do it for my own personal benefit, but when I do it I enjoy benefits in the way of feeling joy, love, compassion, and peace.

If you are interested in discovering what benefits you can get from meditation, but you don’t know where to start, feel free to contact me and let me know you’re looking for some help.  I’ll be happy to engage in a dialogue with you and help you find a meditation path that works well for you.

Meditation is a wonderful practice to engage in.  As you can see, there are many benefits to meditation, but you can’t experience those benefits just by reading about it or thinking about doing it.  I wish you the best as you consider or continue your own meditative practice and routine.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/aigle_dore/6225530793

I woke up in the very early hours of the morning recently.  It was one of those times when you wake up for no good reason, and then your mind just starts wandering.  My thoughts bounced around like a ping-pong ball.  I thought about one thing, then my thoughts jumped to another idea, and then another.

Before I knew it, half an hour had passed, and those same thoughts were still bouncing around, back and forth and over and over.  Then I started to worry about some of the things I was thinking about.  I began to get distressed at the long odds of accomplishing some of my goals, and I wondered why I even bother and the seemingly insurmountable obstacles I faced.  I wondered how I would ever make some of my dreams come true.

It’s at these moments that some people turn to God, asking for help, or guidance, or support.  I know I’ve done that in the past, and I considered doing it again, just for the sake of calming my mind and trying to get back to sleep, for goodness sake.  I thought about it for a moment, but then remembered that it is my belief that God is not something that exists outside of me, but rather that God is always within me.  I don’t need to seek outside of myself what is already in me.  I knew that the guidance and support was there within me, and I just needed to “hear” what God had to say through me.

So, I simply started observing my breathing.  In and out, in and out.  If my mind started to wander, I just returned to my breath.  In and out, in and out.  It didn’t take long, and I fell back asleep again, and my bouncing and wandering thoughts subsided and my fears and worries melted away.

When I woke up the next morning, I revisited those thoughts that I had in those early hours of the morning.  They were just as vivid and real as they were in the middle of the night, but right along with those thoughts was the guidance and support I was seeking.  Some would say it was God, finally talking to me when the time was right.

What did God say through me?  God said that there is only one person who will decide whether I will carry out my goals and achieve my dreams, and that is me.  There is only one way that I will accomplish what I choose, and the timing of it all comes down to how I manage the present.

The reassurance came though the idea that there is always the present — the “now.”  Nothing else exists outside of right now, and it is always up to me to determine what to do with my “now.”  Nobody but me (not even God) can decide what is to become of me, because that is up to me.  That’s the wonderful gift of free will that God had bestowed upon me and everyone else.  God is the ever-present, ever-renewing “now,” and we get to determine what we do with the present, and the present shapes the future and everything else.

We always have the present

When it seems like we have nothing else, we always have the present.  Whenever it seems like we will never know the answers, they will present themselves when the time is right.  When it seems as if we’ll never get there, we can certainly take the first step on that long journey right now.  We’ll never see tomorrow or the day after, simply because it never comes, because we are always living in the most powerful moment that exists — the present.  Actually, it’s the only moment that really ever exists.  There is no future or past — just the present.

So if you do believe in God, believe in the most wonderful and most powerful gift that God gives us — that gift that is the present.  Believe in your free will.  You have the ability each and every moment to choose to do what you want to do.  When it seems like all is lost, and you have nobody who will walk along the lonely road with you, or it seems like nobody can possibly understand your struggles, just go to God.  God will provide you with the reassurance that you possess all the answers you’ll need, and that you and only you know what you need to do to get where you want to go.

Believe in you, and believe in the power of the present moment.  When you have nothing else, you always have the present, and you can always decide and control what you choose to do with this most wonderful gift.  Make the most of it.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/10154402@N03/5868705030

When we think about loving other people, or just love in general, we may tend to believe that as long as we have love in our hearts, we are on the right path.  Because, after all, it is better to love than not to love, right?

While I agree that to love is better than not to love, not all “love” is the same.  I would actually suggest that some “types” of love may be somewhat counter-productive to our progress on the road to living happier and healthier.

A “selfish” love?

Now, you may be thinking what kind of love could actually be counter-productive, where I would even label it as a sort of “selfish” type of love.  Well, the ancient Greeks actually had sorted this out pretty well, defining six different types of love, all with different meanings and characteristics.

The first kind of love is called “eros.”  This kind of love is the fiery, passionate love that we generally associate with love in our movies and songs, and what we as a general society view as the love where we lose ourselves out of love for another person.  The ancient Greeks didn’t necessarily view this type of love as positive, because it was regarded as rather out of control and sort of dangerous, so to speak.

But, what is wrong with this raw, passionate, and fiery love?  Well, to say wrong is rather strong, in my opinion.  After all, it is usually what helps us find that special someone who may end up being “the one” we spend the rest of our lives with.  However, at the same time, this type of love is, well, rather selfish.

Psychologist Roger Callahan has written, “Romantic love is selfish!  When it comes to an authentic romantic relationship, it is your pleasure, and your happiness that’s the central base of emotion.  Lots of people believe that real love is total selflessness and a generous concern for someone else is really at its root.  As ‘nice’ as this may sound, it has nothing to do with romantic love.  A selfless romantic love is absurd.”

“Limerence”

Dorothy Tennov, a behavioral psychologist actually called this type of love “limerence,” which is defined as “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.”  Apparently, the typical life span of limerent feelings is between eighteen and thirty-six months.

Think about the typical love songs.  When you listen to a song about love, what is it really about?  It’s about the feelings of the person who is singing it.  The whole song is predicated on what the other person either does or doesn’t do which then either leads to positive or negative feelings of the singer.  The song is much about loving with the hope of reciprocation.  It’s very much about doing something for another person with the hope (and expectation) that they will follow up and do the same for the singer.  When they do, love is wonderful.  When they don’t, well, it’s a sad day and a sad song.

But not all is lost with “eros.”  It can often be a first stage of one’s relationship with another person.  What is important is that we move from eros to a “higher,” more refined stage of love, called “philia.”  This is a deeper type of friendship between “comrades,” where there is a deep loyalty to friends, and where concern for others trumps concern for self.  Not only do you sacrifice for them, but you also share your thoughts and emotions with them as well.  Those of you who have children may recognize a sub-category of philia called “storge,” which typically defines love between parent and child.

Moving on to other types of love

If you wish to keep going, there are other types of love, including “ludus,” which is a “playful” type of love, usually expressed between young children, or by adults in their flirtatious stages of a relationship.  There’s also “pragma,” which is a more deep type of love shared by those who are in long-standing relationships (and marriages).  This usually is defined by patience and tolerance for other viewpoints, consciously giving love rather than just wanting to receive it.

Finally, there are two other very important types of love — “agape” and “philautia.”  Agape is defined as a “selfless love.”  It is the love you have not for just one person, but for all people, including those you don’t even know.  C.S. Lewis referred to this as “gift love,” and some Buddhists call it “universal loving kindness.”  This type of can be lacking, especially as we constantly think about ourselves and our own self interests first, before we consider the interests of others.  However, this type of love, where we can look at others as “brothers and sisters” rather than strangers, is so important in us developing that “loving kindness” that can make a huge difference in not only our lives, but in the lives of others.  If we can spend more time practicing this “loving kindness” toward others, and simply be “friendly,” we will notice a huge impact not only on ourselves internally, but externally in our interactions with other people.

Love for self

The last type of love is equally important: “philautia.”  Philautia is a love for the self.  While this can be unhealthy if taken too far (narcissism and materialism), it is so beneficial if we keep it in the “healthy” range.  It is so important to love yourself.  If you can come to love yourself, it is so much easier to love others.  In the words of Aristotle, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.”  If we begin with love for ourselves, we can turn to others and extend to them love as well, without expectation of anything in return.

So, when you look at your relationships with those you love, do you love without expectation of reciprocation?  Do you love unconditionally, with a genuine concern for others and their well-being?  Do you respect other people’s points of view?  Can you look at others as brothers and sisters?  Are you genuinely “friendly” to everyone?  And, finally, do you love yourself unconditionally?

It’s not about “right or wrong” when it comes to the type of love we share with others.  It’s about being aware of why we love.  We don’t get anywhere when it’s only ourselves that we care about.  This world cannot become a better place if we don’t care for others, or if we don’t have a genuine desire to help one another.  When we can truly love in kindness and generosity, we can not only transform ourselves, but we can transform the world we live in as well.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/viktor_u/8316230145

Sometimes life throws us difficulty.  Sometimes we’re in a “funk,” or a bad mood, or we’re just plain inconsolable.  Before we continue to focus on how terrible things are for us, take a moment for perspective.

For example, last week I was just plain angry about something. (I can’t even remember what I was actually angry about, so you can appreciate how really unimportant it was!)  Nobody had died; nobody received a horrible medical diagnosis.  I was sitting on my couch in my own living room which has a roof over it, while my children, happy and healthy and well fed, were playing in the other room.

Even with all of that, I couldn’t shake my anger.  I was trying to find the “good” in my life, but I just struggled to get myself out of the “funk” that I was in.  I knew what my next steps had to be — I had to grab a pen and some paper and do some writing.

A simple way to break through the negativity

After I found my writing supplies, I just sat down.  Now, what I wrote was not profound.  I was not writing a chapter in my next book, or a deep reflection, or anything out of this world.  I simply sat there and wrote a list of things that I can call “blessings” in my life.

Before long, I had written a list of well over fifty things that I was thankful and appreciative of in my life.  While I knew that I could have added more things to the list, I didn’t need to.  I got the message.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am blessed in many ways, no matter how bad things seem, and no matter how sour of a mood I happen to find myself in once in a while.

The stuff that I’m upset about in the here and now really isn’t “big” stuff.  It’s small compared to what others are struggling through.

The ability to pause and reflect

But, what helped me crack through with that perspective was the ability to “pause,” and observe myself through instant reflection.  It was the ability to be aware even though I was in a foul mood.  I was able to see myself in anger, but through a “different” part of myself, observe that it wasn’t serving me, and that I knew it wasn’t who I really was and what I am really about.

That “different” part of myself, however, isn’t something that just appears at will.  It requires lots of internal work through meditation.  It requires that I continually and regularly connect with that part of me that is loving, kind, compassionate, considerate, and everything else wonderful.  It’s that “best” version of me that I need to connect with often, so that the “flame” of that spirit within me is present when I need it, and so that I know what it “feels” like so that I can grab on to it when I am so far removed from that “best” version of me, and pull myself out of those deep negatively emotional states.

I was happy to have been able to catch myself in that moment and know what to do to get out of that bad feeling.  I know for me that once I start realizing how great life really is for me that I’ll realize life is too short to get angry about something that really isn’t all that important after all.

What are your blessings?  What do you have going on in your life, and what do you enjoy in the here and now that you just take for granted, but are things that others would be so fortunate to have for themselves?  Don’t forget your fortunes.  And never, ever stop counting your blessings.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/scraan/8373881544

Do you sometimes struggle to keep a positive mindset in the midst of negativity from others, or under circumstances that are less than ideal?

We all have a difficult time staying upbeat and positive, especially when we find ourselves in a situation that we didn’t expect, didn’t ask for.

When those times come that we struggle to keep that positive mentality, it’s then that we need to take some time to do a personal inventory of our own values and ideals.

You can do this right on the spot, but it’s even better if you can do some preparation ahead of time, so that you are ready when the time comes.

Try doing an “I am” exercise

This is a really quick exercise that you can do anytime and anywhere to re-focus and center in on your values and ideals.  All you need to do is grab a piece of paper and write the words “I am” at the top of the paper.

Next, just write words and phrases that describe your ideal self — your “best you” that you can think of.  For example, you may write “kind,” “loving,” “caring,” “good listener,” and other similar words and phrases.

After you’re done, just take a look at what you wrote down.  You just captured your values.  These are the ideals that you live by, and when you are living your life in alignment with these values, you are bringing your best to the world you live in.

Keep that list with you, and let those values and ideals be your guiding principles for the rest of your day, week, month, or even year.  You can do this again and again if you’d like, and in reality, the more you take time to do a personal inventory of your values and ideals the more readily they’ll come to your conscious awareness when you are challenged with a difficult situation or exposed to negativity coming from others, and you’re invited to participate!

The more you practice writing down your values, or running through them in your head, especially when you suspect that you may be walking into a negative or unfavorable situation, the more you will be prepared to maintain those values and ideals in the midst of your challenges.

If one of your values, for example, is “love,” then ask yourself how you can bring love to every interaction you have with another person throughout the day.  When someone criticizes another person in your presence, ask yourself how you can bring love to this situation to turn things around and make things more positive.

We all have values and ideals that, if we lived up to them and by them every moment of every day, would make this world a better place.  If you can make a regular practice and eventual habit of reviewing your values and ideals, you will be bringing your best version of yourself along with you no matter where you go, and you will definitely make a positive impact on those around you.