When “Good Enough” is “Perfect” | VictorSchueller.com

As a parent, there are two “nuggets” of information that have served me well. One piece of wisdom fell into my lap well before I had children. I remember hearing some advice from a “book on tape.” You can just imagine how long ago it was if it was truly a book on “tape!” I wish I could remember which book it was, but for the life of me I can’t remember. However, I will never forget the advice. I will paraphrase, but it went something like this:

“If you want to have a good relationship with your children when they are teenagers, you need to work on the relationship with them when they are little.”

For some reason, these words of advice have stuck with me, and I remember them often as I now am the proud father of two wonderful young girls. In tandem with my wife, who also has come to know these words of wisdom, we work very hard to mold and shape our daughters so they learn how to cope with the difficulties that “life” brings to them on a regular basis. You would never believe (unless you have been through it yourself) the amount of drama that unfolds in school daily, even in the lower elementary grades.

One way that we have established a working relationship with our older daughter is to have little “chats” about how to work through difficult situations. At first, they started out as mini “lectures” in her bedroom, where we helped her understand the “hows” and “whys” behind the not-so-nice behaviors of others. It’s funny, because now instead of us “requesting” that she join us in her room for a chat, my wife and I are “summoned” to the bedroom so she can talk about her day, the drama that unfolded, and express her thoughts and ideas. It’s a great way for us to show that we listen to her without judgment, and it also is a wonderful way for us to provide feedback to her as far as whether we think she’s doing the right thing or if she needs a little guidance or coaching. It’s awesome to see it unfolding as it has, and I can only hope that as we build this type of dialogue, she will still feel comfortable coming to us to tell us if she has a problem that we can help her get through in the future.

Another “nugget” of wisdom came to me through James Lehman’s “Total Transformation” program. Yes, this program is designed to help people deal with defiant children and with difficult situations, but I thought I would be pro-active and seek solutions to problems and cut them down before they develop into something bigger. Let me tell you, I can’t begin to express how happy I am that I did this, because it really improved my parenting skills. Lehman says a couple times throughout his program that parents should be happy enough with a “good enough” kid. Don’t seek perfection; don’t place unreasonably high expectations upon your child. As long as they are a “good enough” kid, be happy with that.

As I have thought about it more, I realize that this valuable advice carries over into our everyday lives as well, even in our relationships with ourselves. Sometimes we seek perfection, and if we fall short we are disappointed. Sometimes we place upon ourselves outrageously high expectations, and then beat ourselves up if we don’t reach that goal.

You know what? Sometimes “good enough” is just that — it’s good enough. Am I the perfect parent? No, but I do my best, and I like to think that I am a “good enough” parent and try to provide my girls with a solid foundation so that they can problem solve through issues down the road. I think I am a “good enough” parent and I am so happy that I am well on my way to maintaining a great relationship that is unique to each of my daughters, so that I can enjoy a wonderful relationship with them as they grow and mature.

Am I the perfect husband? Heavens no! Not by a long shot, but I do my best to be a “good enough” husband and consistently put my family first, and understand that a husband and wife need to have a strong relationship independent of parenthood. If you don’t have a strong relationship with your spouse, it’s like a crack in the foundation of the family, and it’s hard to keep the family unit strong and secure.

Are you striving for perfection in what you do? Are you placing unnecessary expectations upon yourself, and then beating yourself up when you can’t live up to those expectations?

Be grateful for the great things you do and have. Congratulate yourself on your accomplishments and successes. Highlight the positive things that are going well for you. Cut yourself some slack. We don’t have to be superheroes all the time. Sometimes “good enough” is the “perfect” thing to be.

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