A “script” to Follow for Difficult Conversations | VictorSchueller.com

“When we understand the needs that motivate our own and others behavior, we have no enemies.” ~Marshall Rosenberg

Over the past two weeks, I have had the wonderful opportunity to speak to two wonderful groups in my local area — the Sheboygan Area SHRM and LAHRA.  Because the groups I presented to were human resources organizations, the focus of my topics were related to improving relationships and productivity in the workplace.  As I talked with people afterward, I couldn’t help but think about how so many of the issues and problems we deal with on a regular basis, whether it is at work or in our personal relationships and interactions with others, can be worsened because of how we communicate with each other.

Sometimes, when someone says or does something that gets under our skin, or when someone says or does something and we become uncomfortable (angry, frustrated, hurt), our human tendency is to seek ways to eliminate that uncomfortable feeling.  I look at this as a reflexive response, caused by our own “lizard brain” that resides deep within our skulls.  When we feel we are attacked or threatened, we do what seems almost instinctive — we retaliate through words or actions…It’s sort of our way of giving others a “taste of their own medicine” (which sometimes feels oh so good), or our way of basically saying “Don’t you ever cross me again, or this is what you’ll get from me.”  No matter which way you slice it, retaliation is not, in my humble opinion, the way to go here.  All we do when we retaliate is activate the defense mechanism of the other person’s brain, and we perpetuate the cycle.  That’s not where we want to go.

Where we would love to go, however, is to a place where we can communicate how we felt when something was said or done, get others to be a bit receptive to our concerns and be open (even if just a bit) to helping us resolve our uncomfortable feelings.  If it sounds too good to be true, well, maybe you should just try it out and see what results you get!

I found this communication technique, or “script,” as I like to call it, in a great book titled Creating Harmonious Relationships: A Practical Guide to the Power of True Empathy, by Andrew LeCompte.  After reading this, I was trying to get a hold of Dr. LeCompte to let him how how much this book changed my life and how I look at the world around me, but I ran into a dead end.  It’s too bad, because I absolutely love this book, and I would love to thank him for his great publication!

The concept is based off of a model of communication called “Nonviolent Communication,” pioneered by Marshall Rosenberg.  The basic premise of this type of communication (from my interpretation) is that if we can identify and address our needs or the needs of others in our communication, we can communicate effectively and without violence.  Sounds good, right?

So, in Dr. LeCompte’s book, he includes what he calls a “Speaking Worksheet,” which is a template for a version of a conversation, nonviolent communication style.

Here’s what it looks like:

OPENER:

Name of person with whom you are in conflict:

“___________________,”

Your hope for the conversation “I ________________________ .”

Test their readiness ______________________ (Is this a good time?)

FACT:

“When you _____________________ (My note: make sure this is something observed, not a judgment, diagnosis, interpretation, etc…Instead of saying “When you blamed me for the missed deadline,” you may want to say, “When you spoke loudly and told others in the meeting that I caused the deadline to be missed…”   The word “blamed” is an interpretation or judgment, not fact.)

FEELING:

“I felt ________________________ (emotion, such as angry, annoyed, afraid, frustrated, sad, hurt)

HOPE:

“because I __________________________ (was hoping, wanted)

___________________” (whatever you were hoping for or wanted)

REQUEST:

“Would you be willing to ______________________?”

If you’re just trying this out, you can always leave some parts out.  Usually, for “first timers,” I recommend they focus on the “Fact, Feeling, and Hope” sections.  These alone turn a potentially conflicting situation around into something that is non-threatening and civil.  It takes the blame out of the situation, and there is no finger pointing, because you are just reporting on observed behaviors and sharing how you felt when those behaviors occurred.  One of the most dangerous things to say is “…you made me feel…”  In stating this, you are diagnosing the cause of the behavior.  This activates the defense mechanism in the other person.  Keep diagnoses out of it.  As Rosenberg states, “When people hear needs, it provokes compassion. When people hear diagnoses, it provokes defensiveness and attack.”

If you try out this method, please let me know about it and how it worked for you.  I have shared this advice many times with people and groups who have experienced deeply wounding conversations in the past, and it has worked well.  Let me know what it does for you!  Good luck! 🙂

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