I’m So Self Conscious — That’s Embarrassing

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“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” ~Jon Kabat Zinn

Have you ever found yourself feeling embarrassed, apologetic, or self conscious about something you said or did?  Do you find yourself worrying about what other people think or how people will react to what you say?

The other day I was catching up with an old friend whom I haven’t seen for a while.  Yes, it had been a while, because a lot has changed in my professional life since the last time we had talked, and I was providing an update on my current career endeavors, which include pursuing a career as a professional speaker, as well as a trainer, as well as a blogger, and all revolving around how the mind works and how it affects us and our interactions with other people.

As I was talking to him about my endeavors, I noticed something happening…I noticed that I was almost being apologetic, for lack of a better term, for taking the time to talk about what I was doing.  Was this an act of modesty or an act of self-consciousness?

After meeting with my friend, I started to recall and reflect upon several similar occasions where I was asked either publicly or privately to divulge what it is that I do and what I talk about.  Sure enough, in most cases, I recall that I felt extremely self-conscious and apologetic about describing what I do and what I talk about.

I have my pregenual anterior cingulate cortex (pACC), a boomerang-shaped region of the brain positioned behind the eyes, to thank for that!  It is this area that has been implicated in feelings of embarrassment, pride, guilt, and others.  What’s interesting about this study is that it points out that this area of the brain is involved in the feelings of these emotions in the context of others’ perceived or imagined reactions.  In other words, it is only when we manufacture a perception of what other people think that we feel embarrassed or self conscious.

It became apparent that this self-conscious reaction within me obviously has something to do with worrying about what other people think.  I realized I have a self-judgment issue.  I’ve written before and talked about the inner judge that resides within our minds.  It’s the unconscious part of our brain that is responsible for analyzing things very quickly, making a snap decision, and then moving on to the next item of interest.  I know that through meditative practice and through practicing mindfulness, it has been shown through research to positively benefit the whole being and actually change the physiology of the brain.

Some of the main focuses of meditation and mindfulness revolve around being present, being aware, and practicing non-judgment.  I have been personally working very hard to quiet  that judge within me; every time I feel a judgmental thought progressing toward a judgmental state, I have reminded myself to remove the thought from my mind — in essence, thinking something along the lines of “They are entitled to feel/think/act/speak as they wish.”

It just dawned on me as I recalled these moments of self consciousness that while I have been putting so much effort into working to restrict myself from judging others, I have neglected the important work of consciously restricting myself from judging me!  I have to do a better job of believing in myself and not apologizing for doing what I do or talking about what I do.  I am proud of what I do and what I am working toward, but sometimes my self consciousness gets in the way.

I recognized that non-judgment requires work in two distinct areas — one being external non-judgment, and the other being internal non-judgment.  If our scale of non-judgment tips too far one way or the other, we find ourselves out of balance.  If we are strong in the area of internal non-judgment and weak in the area of external non-judgment, we could find ourselves critical of others while extremely prideful in ourselves.  If we are strong in the area of external non-judgment and weak in the area of internal non-judgment, we could find ourselves empathetic and compassionate of others, yet extremely self-conscious and insecure.

I realized that I have been putting all of my eggs in one basket.  I have been putting much more effort into practicing external non-judgment and neglecting the very important task of practicing internal non-judgment. Maybe it’s because I am modest; maybe it’s because I am my biggest critic and I expect near perfection of myself; maybe it’s something else.

If you find yourself feeling embarrassed, apologetic, or self-conscious, I encourage you to think about how you feel about yourself.  Are you being too critical of yourself?  Are you allowing the perceived or imagined reactions of others to influence how you act or what you say?  Is your inner judge too judgmental of you?

The path to acceptance and compassion is through the important act of practicing external non-judgment; the path to self-confidence and positive self-esteem is through the important act of practicing internal non-judgment.  Both are equally important and necessary to living a fulfilled and peaceful life.  As you pursue your own personal peace and fulfillment, I wish you happiness, health, and prosperity!

Photo: freedigitalphotos.net