How the unconscious mind judges whether our relationships will be successful, and what we can do to overcome it

“…Everything one encounters is preconsciously screened and classified as either good or bad, within a fraction of a second after encountering it.” ~John Bargh

A psychological study conducted by Dr. John Bargh and Dr. Shelly Chaiken measured the existence of an unconscious judgment process.  In the study, they had a list of words that could either be considered good (like “friend” or “beautiful”) or bad (like “death” or “cancer”).  The researchers also used a device called a tachistoscope, which is capable of flashing a picture onto a screen for a time as short as only about a quarter of a second.  At this speed, the conscious mind doesn’t have time to register or process the image.

Prior to the experiment, the participants took a look at the word list and categorized each of the terms as either a good or bad term.  During the experiment, the scientists presented the subjects with two words – one right after the other.  The first word was flashed onto the screen, too quickly to be registered by the conscious mind, and then the second word was displayed on the screen, long enough for the participant to read the word.  The subjects were asked to push a button if they thought the word was good, and another button if they thought the word was bad.

Here’s the wrinkle they added to the study – the scientists would either present two words that were congruent with each other or they would present two words that were not congruent with each other.  When the words were congruent (such as flashing the word “happy” which was not registered consciously followed by the word “beautiful” which was projected long enough to be registered consciously), the participants quickly pushed a button that indicated the word was “good.”  However, when the words were not congruent (such as flashing the word “cancer” which was not registered consciously followed by the word “beautiful” which was projected long enough to be registered consciously), the participant also pushed the button that indicated the word was good, but there was a notable delay in the time it took to respond!

Bargh concluded, “Therefore, everything one encounters is preconsciously screened and classified as either good or bad, within a fraction of a second after encountering it.”

What does this mean to us?  It means that the unconscious mind judges absolutely everything it perceives, so we interpret everything we experience as either good or bad before our conscious mind even knows what we are experiencing!

This happens over 90 percent of the time — we make a snap decision as to whether a person or situation is good or bad.  When we unconsciously decide the situation is favorable, we’ll work to forge a connection.  When we decide the situation is not, we’ll work to avoid the interaction.  You can see how this “snap” judgment that our unconscious brain makes can negatively affect relationships with other people.

So now that we know about this unconscious response mechanism, and that we cannot control it, now the question is what are we going to do about it?

Well, we do have two choices – we can either continue to function this way, or we can consciously become aware of it, and then move into a problem-solving mode.

If you feel any sort of emotion, whether it be anger, resentment, jealousy, hurt, or anything along those lines, your unconscious mind has already made the snap decision that whatever you are exposed to is a “no go.”  It’s a sign that your mind has said nope in the snap decision process, and guess what – if you don’t intervene, your body’s control system is going to be programmed – unconsciously – to execute a command that results in the relationship ending with unfavorable results – this relationship is doomed to fail.  It takes a great deal to overcome this if you let it set in, so you need to act quickly.

When you feel that emotion setting in, that means that your defense mechanisms have been activated – it means that you feel that you need to defend yourself.

This happened to me when I was trying to set something up on the computer for my wife, and I configured something incorrectly.  When she told me (politely) that I screwed something up, I caught myself right before I said something like, “Well, then next time make sure you are around to do it so that it doesn’t get messed up.”  How often do we say something like that?  And why do we say those things?  We say it because we are hurt and we feel that we have to defend ourselves…And where does the conversation go from there?  If I were to say something like that to my wife, what do you think would happen?

Her defense mechanisms would kick in, and then she would likely come back with something not nice in return – it’s the start of an argument or disagreement.

Well, being mindful of the fact that the defense mechanisms were starting to set in, I just paused and let things pass – this is really hard for me to do because I am very impulsive and emotional at times.  I followed up with an “I’m sorry – I didn’t realize that by setting it up that way it would cause an issue.”  And you know what she said?  She said, that’s okay…and then a few seconds later, she thanked me for setting it up.

See, that’s how easy it is once you get it.  You have to catch yourself in the defensive mode and stop the physical manifestation of it before it gets out.  Once you can do that, you can re-frame your mind in a way that is beneficial to the relationship.  If you can lower your defenses and be more empathetic and understanding, and simply express your intentions or lack of awareness, the misunderstandings can be overcome.  Maybe my wife didn’t know that I didn’t know that setting up the computer a certain way would have an undesired outcome.  I didn’t know that – but by communicating to her that I didn’t know that it would have an undesired outcome, I knew she would then know.  Once she knew my lack of understanding, she was forgiving and actually thankful for my help.  She knew I was doing my best.

I challenge you to recognize those circumstances when you feel your defensiveness setting in.  If you feel any sort of emotion such as anger, resentment, envy, or hurt, it’s a good chance that your unconscious mind has already made up its mind that things aren’t going to end well — that is unless you consciously override this with empathy, understanding, and compassion toward others.

I wish you a wonderful day.  Take care!

-Victor