One Common Mistake You Need to Avoid to Stop Defensive Reactions in Others

It’s hard enough to have a conversation with another person and try to get them to understand exactly what you’re saying, but what can complicate matters further is when you are unknowingly injecting components that can actually cause a defensive reaction in another person.

Before we get to the major “reveal” of this article, however, I’d like to take some time to talk about the “two-headed monster” which frequently rears its “ugly heads,” so to speak, in many of our conversations with other people.  They slip into dialogue so easily that we don’t even know they’re there, but they can derail many a conversation and keep people stuck in conflict for so long that people can get to the point where they know there’s a conflict, but have no idea what began it all in the first place.

The two “heads” of the monster are “interpretations” and “diagnoses” of other people’s behaviors.  These are evaluative statements that are commonly rooted in speculation and conjecture, with very little, if any factual basis to them at all.  With the use of either of these “inflammatory agents,” you’re bound to not only offend others, but to perpetuate the cycle of conflict (or plant the seeds of such if you’re just beginning).

What do these “interpretations” and “diagnoses” sound like?  Here are some examples:

“He’s just trying to get out of doing work.”

“He’s just trying to cover his rear so he doesn’t get into trouble.”

“She likes to ‘butter up’ to people to get ‘on their good side,’ so that she can ‘use’ them later.”

“She has other people do ‘her dirty work.”

“He doesn’t like to give up control.”

“He’s just being defiant.”

What’s in common about all of these examples above?  For starters, they certainly don’t do anything to build a person up or speak positively about them.  There isn’t a lot of factual information dispensed either, is there?  Many of these statements are difficult, if not impossible to quantify or qualify.  For example, what exactly is “having someone do another’s dirty work?”  How do you define that exactly?

When we start to define (exactly) what something like “having someone do another’s dirty work” is, we’ll find that we can actually start to pick apart what the person is actually doing and state it in definable and understandable ways.  For example, we could say that “having someone do another’s dirty work” is to make an observation of something that one does not like, to communicate that to another person, and then to suggest the other person go to an authority figure to express displeasure over this, while at the same time the one who originally did not like it does not participate in talking to the authority figure about it.

It becomes clear that the use of interpretations and diagnoses function initially as conversational “short cuts,” allowing us to encapsulate what a person is doing without going into a long-winded description of what that person is doing.  It really takes a much longer time to define exactly what “having someone do another’s dirty work” is.

However, interpretations and diagnoses can also function as a vehicle for us apply moralistic judgments on the behavior of others; we use them to imply that the person is doing something “wrong.”  Try having a conversation with someone who starts out with the words, “you’re wrong,” and tell me how well things work out for you!  More often than not, the use of interpretations and diagnoses are utilized to speak of other people negatively, rather than positively.  A moralistic image of what is “right” or “just,” and what is “wrong” or “indefensible” is formed, and we let other people know how we feel about it through these interpretations or diagnoses.

Which brings me now to the one thing that common mistake that people make that leads to defensive reactions in others.  Not only do people use interpretations and diagnoses, they use them when speaking directly to the other person, through the use of two powerful (and very damaging) words:

“I think…”

It’s not necessarily those two words that lead to a majority of the problems we face, but rather the word or words that usually follow them.  They’re usually followed with “you” or “that you,” and then those words are usually followed with the diagnosis or interpretation.  It can play out like this:

“I think that you‘re just trying to get out of having to work on this project.”

“I think you‘re being unreasonable about all of this.”

“I think that you like to hear yourself talk.”

If you’ve ever tried saying something remotely similar to the statements above, you know all too well that the end result is usually an argument or ensuing conflict.  Whenever we tell someone what we think they’re doing, all we’re doing is speculating, interpreting, and diagnosing.  Even if our speculation turns out to be accurate, the use of interpretations and diagnoses are not tools that help us break down barriers and connect better with other people.  Instead, they show others how we are judging them and their actions, and how we believe that what they are doing is “wrong.”  If you’re looking for the quickest way to upset another person, just tell them how you’re right and they’re wrong.

So how can we overcome this?  The logical start is to stop judging what other people as “right” or “wrong.”  Let go of evaluating others.  Observe things as they are, for what they are.  Whether you agree with what they’re doing or not, your energy spent on being upset about how “wrong” the other person is rarely worth anything.  If what another person does bothers you, you’re far better off sharing how you feel about the situation (sad, frustrated, angry), tie it to what they did (in definable terms), and make a request of them to consider doing things differently.  If you come from the heart, and have a true, genuine desire to connect and seek the other person’s help, you will find that the conversation will be phenomenal, and will lead to a positive exchange and interaction that will leave you both better for having had it.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/93277085@N08/9277532430