How Can I Connect Better with Others? – Part 2

This is the next installment of the series of articles in which I’ll be discussing what I call the top three contributors to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  There are three main contributors, that I believe make up over 90% of the problems we face when it comes to living in peace and harmony with others, and that get in our way as we attempt to connect with others.  I would contend that if everyone did these three things a little better, the world would be a lot better place to live.

Last time I talked about what I call the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  This arises when people have difficulty articulating how they feel, and then they have an even more difficult time articulating what it is that they need or what value of theirs is in misalignment.  Finally, people have a very difficult time making requests of others that will help them either get what they need or help them reach a place of alignment with their personal core values.

In this article I’m going to focus on what I call the inability to appreciate multiple perspectives at the same time.  Many times this shows up when someone views other people’s ideas as “stupid,” or when people assume that others have ill intentions or ulterior motives behind their actions.

Usually, when someone has a more narrowed perspective, they think about their own interests, and don’t pay much attention to, or quite honestly have difficulty understanding what it may be like to be another person.  They lack the ability to “walk a mile in another’s shoes,” so to speak.  They lack the ability to empathize with others.

Now, we all have the ability to empathize.  It’s been shown in scientific studies that we have what are called “mirror neurons” that actually become active when we watch someone else doing something.  The same areas of our brain are active as the areas of the brain in the person who is doing the activity that we are observing.  It’s as if our brain is experiencing the event, even though we are not.

The problem we face is that this function takes place in the cerebral cortex of the brain.  This is the outer “shell” of the brain, as it were.  But, if we are making assumptions about other people that they are trying to take advantage of another, or if we lead ourselves to believe that the ideas of other people are “worthless,” we are using parts of the brain that are more concerned with protection and preservation of life.

After all, when someone says that another is “trying to take advantage,” or that their ideas are “stupid,” we’re actually dealing with a “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  The person is really trying to ask “please,” but they don’t know how to articulate it in a way that makes it more likely that they’ll get their needs met.  But the rub is that that the person views and accepts as true that the other person is actually “stupid,” or “trying to take advantage” of a situation.  Their interpretation is that the person is doing something “wrong,” and therefore it causes the initiation of the stress response in the body.  Instead of this person giving the other the benefit of the doubt, or seeking to find deeper meaning behind what they observe, they are stuck and stressed.

These stress hormones “hijack” the emotional and higher parts of the brain, thus making it difficult to empathize or be compassionate toward other people.  Those “mirror neurons” are less likely to become activated, and the person stays relatively fixed in their stress response cycle.

So what’s the way out of this?  It takes awareness.  It takes concentration and mindfulness on our part to “catch ourselves” in the middle of making interpretations, evaluations, or moralistic judgments about another person.  This also happens to be the third contributor to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding, and will be the topic that I write on next as the final installment of the series.

So, for now, it’s really about being mindful about your thoughts.  Try to put yourself in the shoes of another person.  How would you feel if you heard what you were saying?  What might be going on inside of the head of another person — what might they be thinking — that may be causing them to respond and act out the way that they are?

By simply being curious — by simply “wondering” what may be happening — you can unleash your empathy and compassion.  By asking, “What may be going on with them?” you can open up yourself to perspectives beyond yourself.  With practice, you can begin to broaden your “wondering,” and expand to larger groups of people, until ultimately you can appreciate a “universal” perspective, which is all-inclusive and all-encompassing.

How can you broaden your perspectives?  How can you “wonder” more what it’s like to be another?  These are the keys to building connections with other people, and showing them that not only do you care about them, but you truly seek to understand them too.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/joe57spike/5676547198