A Most Important Conversation You Need to Have — Today!

I’ve been enjoying my time over the past couple of weeks, making stops at some libraries local to me, to promote, share, and talk about my book, Rise Above Criticism, Negativity and Conflict.  It’s been a lot of fun diving back into that book, and pulling out some of the main concepts and sharing them with those who are in attendance.

During my talks, I talk about four “perspectives” that we can adopt when either dealing with our own feelings, or in dealing with the feelings of others.  To illustrate this I share a story about how I ended up needing a tow truck to drag me out of a soft shoulder at the side of the road in the early spring when I pulled over to the side to take a phone call.  I thought I was being safe and prudent, and ended up paying a pretty penny for a phone call!

After being caught in what some would be ready to call a “silly” situation, it would be natural for me to tell myself how “stupid” I was for doing such a foolish thing.  I could keep beating myself down about how I seem to “always” find myself doing “dumb” things like that.  It would be safe to say that many of us have found ourselves believing these thoughts to be true, or at least entertaining the possibility of such.

But, why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we find ourselves adopting one of the four “perspectives,” which is “It’s my fault.  I’m to blame?”  Why are we so quick to speak critically to ourselves about ourselves?

The reason why we have these conversations with ourselves is because society has conditioned us to accept punishment as a natural and acceptable way of life.  As soon as we started living in bigger “tribes” and civilizations, it became necessary for a select few people who were “in charge” to control a large group of people.  An effective way to do this was to establish rules, and if those rules were broken, that person was found guilty and then punished to serve as an example to others.

We’ve learned, as a society, to sensationalize punishment.  We’ve learned to accept the concept of good versus evil, and right versus wrong.  When someone is “bad” or “evil,” they deserve to be punished.  In the movies the “bad guy” gets either killed or has justice served as the climax of the movie.  We actually feel good about someone getting punished.  It even occurs in children’s shows and movies!

So here we are, telling ourselves how “bad” we are.  “I deserve to be punished,” we say to ourselves, as we let our guilt and shame get the best of us.  Then we start the cascade of self thoughts about how we aren’t worthy as our form of self-induced punishment.

This is utter nonsense, really.  Why do we have to do this?  Why can’t we just get past the whole “guilt-shame-punishment” game?

We can get past it, but we need to have an important conversation in order for that to happen.  We have to have a conversation with ourselves that goes a little something like this:

“I love you for who you are, as you are right now.  You are good enough as you are right now.  You are worthy as you are right now.  You are doing your absolute best with what you’ve got, as you are right now.”

In other words, go easy on yourself.  Cut yourself some slack.

Put it this way — would you talk to your friend the way you talk to yourself, telling your friend how “stupid” they are?  Or, would you tell them that you love them, they are good enough, they are worthy, and they are doing their best as they are right now?

I thought so.

So, in the future, before you start going down that road of guilt and shame and self-punishment, just try this:

Go over what happened.  Then, determine how you felt about what happened.  Think about how you’d rather feel.  Ask yourself what you need to do in order to feel the way you’d rather feel.  Do what you need to do to feel the way you want to the next time.

So, for me, I’ll just make sure that if I’m pulling over to make a phone call I find solid ground before I stop.  Then, I’ll feel better knowing that I don’t have to call a tow truck to come pull me out.

It’s so simple, isn’t it?  That’s why we just need to do it.  We just need to go easy on ourselves for a chance.  Give it a shot.

Did you find this helpful?  I’d love to hear your thoughts?  Please let me know in the comments below, and I promise to respond.

Photo copyright Ron Mader. Images shared via creative commons license. Click here for link to image.