“I can retract what I did not say, but I cannot retract what I already have said.” ~Solomon Ibn Gabirol

I just finished reading a delightful book titled Words That Hurt, Words That Heal: How To Choose Words Wisely And Well by Joseph Telushkin.  It was a relatively quick read, full of wonderful stories that really helped drive home the points being brought across.  It also included many great takeaways and things to ponder that I hadn’t really thought about or considered before reading the book.

One of the many major points of wisdom that I walked away with as a major takeaway came very early on in the book.  It was found in the chapter titled, “The Irrevocable Damage Inflicted by Gossip.”  In that chapter Telushkin talks about “three types of speech that people should decrease or eliminate.”  They are as follows:

1. Information and comments about others that are nondefamatory and true

2. Negative, though true, stories — information that lowers the esteem in which people about whom it is told

3. Lies and rumors — statements that are negative and false

Were you as surprised as I was with number one above?  Information and comments about others that are nondefamatory and true should be decreased?  Eliminated?

As a matter of fact, Telushkin even offers the question right up: “What possible reason could there be for discouraging people from exchanging such innocuous, even complimentary, information?”

That’s a great question, and I was curious to find out the rationale for adopting such a stance.  It turns out that there are about three reasons for doing so.  The first reason for shying away from nondefamatory and true statements is because, as Telushkin offers, “…the listener might not find the information so innocuous.  While one person is describing how wonderful the party was, the other might well wonder, ‘Why wasn’t I invited?  I had them over to my house just a month ago.'”

The second reason for staying away from this practice is because “gossip rarely remains so.”  Most of the human population is more likely to focus on “critical evaluations” rather than “exchanging accolades.”  The truth is that most people, left to their own devices, will focus on the one thing they don’t like about a person when there are many other characteristics and qualities about that same person that are admirable and honorable.

Finally, the third reason we would be best served to decrease or eliminate nondefamatory and true statements about others is found in the Book of Proverbs: “He who blesses his neighbor in a loud voice in the morning, it will later be thought a curse” (27:14).  Telushkin explains in more understandable and relatable terms: “if a person comes to public notice even as a result of a neighbor’s ‘blessing’ (a positive association), the intense scrutiny engendered by his newfound fame ultimately will probably damage his good name — or worse.”

Telushkin makes a compelling argument as to why it may be in our best interest to stay away from these true, but nondefamatory statements.  I can certainly relate to all three of the points he had mentioned, both on the giving and receiving end!  I must admit, however, that it does seem counterintuitive and seemingly more harmful to refrain from doing so.  Then, I am left to wonder: is it simply social conditioning?  Are we “programmed,” so to speak, to offer compliments and positive statements about others as a social nicety? But then again, even as we do this, and speak kindly of others, are we actually harming those of which we speak?  At the very least, it gave me pause for thought.

What are your thoughts?  Do you believe it is better to compliment and speak kindly of others, or have you experienced, either on the giving or receiving end, that to do so causes more harm than good?  I’d love to hear what you have to say.  Please leave a comment below and I promise to respond.

Photo copyright Ethan Lofton. Images shared via creative commons license. Click here for link to image.