How to Connect with Your Authentic Self | VictorSchueller.com

I was coaching a married couple who were having trouble going through any sort of length of time without getting into an argument.  These weren’t any small arguments either — they would quickly turn into very heated and sometimes violent disagreements.  One of the ways that I got them to start to find a sort of middle ground was by helping them reconnect with their authentic selves.

You know and I know that at our very deepest core, we are not “bad” people, who seek out disagreements and yearn to argue with each other.  We don’t want to be violent in our words and actions, but sometimes we are.  We don’t want to be selfish and unforgiving, but there are times when it seems it happens so easily and effortlessly.  There are times when we know what we truly want to do and how we know we “should” conduct ourselves, yet knowing this, we do the opposite.

I’ve struggled with this many times myself.  Unfortunately for me, I sometimes lack patience and get frustrated very easily when things aren’t progressing quickly or as I had hoped they would.  I always joke that I inherited my “hot blood” from my mom, and that I am easily thrown into a bit of a temper at times.  I usually let my frustrations get the best of me, only to be filled with frustration with myself for not maintaining my composure.

We all do this — we all stray from our “highest” form of ourselves.  We do things that we aren’t proud of, and then we end up being filled with not-so-positive feelings afterward.  Some would call it regret, but I just care to keep it simple, and just say that it’s an emotion of frustration or sadness.  Besides, in my opinion, to operate from a position of regret is to pull one’s self down the road of guilt and shame, which can be harmful to one’s self (Maybe the topic of regret, guilt, and shame will be a future topic to cover on my blog).

So how do we get back “on track?”  How do we re-connect with that “authentic self” deep within ourselves?  One way I have found effective is to ask one simple question:

“What are my innermost values?”

From that question, you start on a journey of self-inquiry, and you find out what virtues define who you are and what you stand for.  When I asked this of my clients, they both responded with the same value, so I knew and they knew that deep down they both stood for the same thing and wanted the same thing, so it was just a matter of re-connecting with that value by being mindful of their words and actions.  They were asked by me if they could agree to speak only to each other using words that were aligned with their core values.  When they started doing this, the arguments between them decreased in number significantly.

So, what are your innermost values?  What does it look like when you speak and act in alignment with those values?  Usually our values speak of virtuous traits and characteristics, so if we can discover those innermost values within ourselves, we can easily define behaviors that are in line with those values.  The great thing is that if we follow those values we will likely be acting in a virtuous way, consistent with the “best” version of ourselves that we can.

My innermost values are love, respect, and, interestingly enough, authenticity.  I can easily explain to myself just how it would be to speak and act through these values.  I would speak to others in a respectful way and extend unconditional love and goodwill to others.  I would be authentic in my actions and words.  I would do my best to be the “same person” to everyone, no matter who they are.  I will make sure I treat everyone equally and fairly.  If I can speak and act in this way, I am certain that I would be very happy with who I am, and I would be very sure that I would be aligning with my authentic self!

Just by asking one simple question, and then, through self inquiry, answer it to the best of your ability, you can get a glimpse deep within you to discover just who you are.  Your authentic self will reveal itself to you, and you can then make the choice to act and speak in ways that align with who you really are.

I’d love to hear from you!  What are your innermost values?  What would it look like to speak and act through those values?  Let me know!

Photo: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/barunpatro