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Instead of Beating Yourself Up, Try This | VictorSchueller.com
By Dr. Victor Schueller | Relationships health family business friends community culture work school life blogs blogging
By Dr. Victor Schueller | Relationships health family business friends community culture work school life blogs blogging
No doubt we’ve all told ourselves something along these lines:
“I’m so stupid. Why did I do that?”
“I am such an idiot!”
“I can’t believe I did something like that.”
“I’m so foolish.”
Why do we put ourselves in a position of judging ourselves, and then putting ourselves through the mental anguish of thinking that we’re deserving of punishment?
The reason for this is because this is what we have been conditioned to do all of our lives, since young on. Since we were children, we were told what was “right” and what was “wrong.” And, if we did something “wrong,” we were conditioned to say, “I’m sorry,” to try to do penitence for the wrong we committed.
When we look at the world through the lens of “who’s right?” there has to be a wrong. Is there really a right or a wrong, or is there just judgment of what we believe to be right or wrong? Instead of playing the game of “who’s right?” why can’t we play the game of “it doesn’t really matter, because right versus wrong is just judgment?” Why can’t we just play the game of “let’s get in touch with what’s alive in us?”
By getting in touch with our feelings and needs, we can go a long way in repairing the damage done from the self-damage we have inflicted upon ourselves all these years. Instead of beating ourselves up about how “wrong” we are and convincing ourselves that we “deserve” punishment for committing a wrong act, give this a shot as an alternative:
So, for example, I could say, “When I was dishonest with my friend, I felt sad, because I need to know that I can be honest to myself and to others. Next time, I am going to make sure that I speak out of honesty to honor my friend and myself, so that I can meet my need of being honest.
There, that’s it. There’s no right or wrong. There’s just that action of getting in touch with one’s feelings and seeking out what’s alive in us in the here and now. In my opinion, it’s preferable to the alternative and conditioned response we’ve all become far too familiar with all along.
Give it a shot, and see how you feel. Let me know what you think!
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Victor,
I love this! I always try to say, “It’s all good.” But I”ll try out your method because I still fall into the right or wrong trap.
Thanks for a great post!
Hi Betsy,
Sorry for the delay in getting to you on this. It’s hard, isn’t it? It’s hard to view the world with non-judgment. I struggle all the time myself. I think we have to fight through so many obstacles and automatic processes that we just take for granted to actually be conscious of our “right/wrong” thinking. Thanks for coming by and leaving a note. I appreciate it. 🙂
I think a feeling that often gets generated is embarrassment! People seem to call themselves stupid and beat themselves up when they are ashamed or embarrassed!
Right on The Passion Hunt! You are absolutely right. Does embarrassment come from a certain standard of what is “acceptable” or “right” or “the norm,” thus prompting a certain amount of feelings that we would call embarrassment because we fall outside that parameter? What do you think?
I would say so. I think a lot of embarrassment comes from “sticking out” when people are often trying their hardest to fit in.
Right on. 🙂