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Take a moment to think about how you speak to your spouse, significant other, partner, children, friends, or anyone else with whom you have a close relationship. Think about how often you offer a compliment or words of encouragement, versus offering words or sentiments of a negative nature. Do you offer more words of praise than criticism? Do you think it’s about “50-50?” Is it hard for you to even estimate, because you never gave it much thought?
According to John Gottman, Ph.D., an award winning psychologist and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, couples who maintain a ratio of five positive moments (interactions) to each negative moment have relationships that last. Dr. Gottman has behind him twenty-six years of research on what makes love last.
I would go out on a limb to say that this five-to-one ratio can not only benefit married couples, but anyone in a relationship, no matter what kind it is. I think the issue at hand is that we really don’t compliment others enough.
I am guilty as charged here. Sure, I make sure that compliments are plentiful within my household, giving them out left and right to my immediate family members, but boy do I ever fall short when it comes to dishing them out to others. It’s definitely something that I need to work on. I don’t know why I don’t do it. Perhaps because I am such a “get down to business” person that I don’t take the time to actually slow down and take those moments to tell others what I really appreciate or admire about them.
Perhaps it’s about time I start doing it a bit more often. Maybe I’ll set a goal of at least one per week. I think I can handle that.
One other note about this ratio is that Gottman stressed that the “one” of this ratio is necessary. It turns out that this one “critical” comment can be beneficial. He states, “What may lead to temporary misery in a marriage, some disagreement and anger, may be healthier in the long run.” I guess it turns out that conflict can actually be a good thing to clear the air a bit and balance relationships. Who would have thought conflict could be good? Well, it appears it is so when it is at that ratio of five to one.
Five to one. Is this something you find yourself doing regularly, or do you think you will have to work on this? I know I have some work to do. How about you? Let me know.
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This is so true and I really have to become aware of my stuff in order to do this. I love John Gottman and read his book when I counseled couples…which isn't an easy thing to do!
Very true indeed … perhaps it is in most of our mentality to ‘fix’ things when we consider them broken and that sadly is brought into how we are looking at a person. When in actual, we should be loving people and not fixing them. Fixing is not love; it is altering the way the person is. While loving a person, we look for the loving and positive side of the person. And one thing which most people are looking for is genuine and sincere appreciation and compliment and yet it is one of the things most lacking.
BK – Thanks for stopping by! Yes, I really like what you said — that fixing is not love — it’s altering the way a person is. This doesn’t help either, because you’re asking someone to be something they aren’t. In the end there’s going to be frustration, anger, and resentment. You’re also right on point when you said that the things we are most looking for are the things most lacking. We all have the potential to express appreciation through our compliments, and it is so easy to do, yet it seems that we struggle in doing it, perhaps because it doesn’t feel habitual to us.
Great insights. Thanks again for coming by. Stop by any time.
Gottman's stuff is great, you're right about that Tess. Specifically the one I mentioned. I have a copy sitting on my bookshelf. 🙂