Turning Judgment and Criticism into “Please” | VictorSchueller.com

“Cheaters never win.”  It still rings in my mind after all these years.  It is my earliest memory of a criticism and judgmental remark made by someone in the public, directed toward me.  I was all of about thirteen years old, and the criticism and judgment came from an adult.

I was volunteering as a coach of a little league team which was composed of mid-elementary-school-aged children.  Coaches were asked to serve as umpires for their own games when played.  One afternoon were in a pretty tight match up with a really good team, and the decision came during the game to make a close call as to whether one of my players was “safe” or “out.”  From my vantage point, it appeared my player was safe, and I made the call.

Obviously, as you know, when a controversial call is made, the benefactors of the call are happy, and those who suffer the negative side effects are unhappy.  Let’s just say that they (the parents of the kids on the other team) weren’t quite so happy.

In the end, we lost the highly-contested game.  I was standing with my mom after the game and  getting ready to go home.  One of the mothers of a player on the team we played against approached us with her son in tow.  She glanced at her son as she stood before my mom and me and said, “See? Cheaters never win.”  She was referring to the “controversial” call I had made during the game.

I think that because I was still young and learning the ways of the world, even though the words stuck with me, they didn’t carry the same “sting” as they would if I were to hear them today.  It must have “stung” my mom, because she promptly wrote a letter to the editor of our local newspaper and voiced her displeasure over the fact that an adult was criticizing and judging a volunteer middle schooler.

Since then, I haven’t been immune to criticism, and I have had my share of defensive reactions and outbursts.  I don’t know why I ever thought that an effective response to a criticism is to retort with a sharp counter, directed at my critic.  If the critical remark from another sparked defensiveness in me, why would the other person not respond in the same manner?

Fortunately, as I have aged and engaged in personal development along the way, I’ve learned how to decrease the “sting” of criticism and judgment.  Within the past couple of years, I had been introduced to and have been researching the concept of “Nonviolent Communication (NVC),” developed by Marshall Rosenberg.

I came across a recording of a workshop on NVC conducted by Rosenberg, and he said something several times which really got my attention, and I wanted to share it with you.  He said, and I am paraphrasing, that criticism and judgments are “tragic” expressions of unmet needs.  He said that our communications are really “suicidal” expressions of “please” and “thank you,” and he implores his attendees of the workshop to hear through the judgment and criticism to seek the unmet needs behind such statements.

I thought this was pretty cool, because if we can “listen through” the judgments, we can identify the needs and the emotions behind the statement, and then we can figure out what they really mean.  We move from getting defensive ourselves to becoming empathic, and truly listening to what a person is experiencing.  The result is that we become more caring and loving toward someone who is really just saying, “please.”

So as I look back at this “cheaters never win” remark, I am seeking to figure out what this mom’s “please” was.  Perhaps she felt frustrated that the call was made as it was.  Perhaps she was asking “please” for equality of officiating between sides.  Maybe she “needed” equality.

As I look back at finding the “please,” I can move from assuming a state of judgment toward this woman for “what she did to me” to a state of empathy, understanding, and connecting.  I find myself more at peace and harmony with everything when I can move to this mentality and line of thinking.  It feels great.  Never has being criticized and judged felt so good, and never have I felt more giving of myself when I have received.

I invite you to think about and share a judgment or critical remark you had received that really affected you, and also please share what you think the “please” was in that case.  I’d love to hear what you experienced and what you think!