What Do You Need? | VictorSchueller.com

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“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.” ~Marshall Rosenberg

Although it was a while ago, I still remember it pretty vividly; I was walking from the terminal at the airport downstairs to catch my shuttle to my hotel, when I heard a woman absolutely screaming at the top of her lungs at her cell phone (or more accurately, the person on the other end of the phone call on the cell phone).

She was screaming — literally screaming at this poor person who happened to field her call at what must have been a credit card company.  Apparently, for whatever reason, this woman’s credit card was declined, and so she was “stuck” at the airport with no apparent way to get out of there.  Well, at least that’s what she was screaming to the person at the other end of the line.

After she heard what must have been something like, “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do” a multitude of times from this person on the other end of the phone, she gave up and hung up the phone.  The next thing I heard was the sound of her loud sobbing and crying.  She just sat there and cried.  I felt bad for her, but the emotional response was so severe, I think it shut down whatever part of me would have been helpful in reaching out to see what I could do to help.  I guess you could say I felt uncomfortable, due to the severity of the emotions displayed there in the airport.  I think the others in that area felt the same way, because everyone seemed to have that sort of “uncomfortable” look on their face and kept their distance.

After reflecting on it for a while, I asked the same questions I usually do when I observe some sort of behavior out of the ordinary: “Why did she respond that way?  What was going on inside that resulted in that behavior?”

Then, I started thinking about the lessons learned in my short exposure to the concept of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).  I just love NVC, and it has helped me in so many ways, even though I really haven’t gotten what I know I can get out of it up to this point.  At the heart of NVC, at least as I see it, is simply “wondering” what a person thinks they “need” that leads to the observed behavior (and feelings).

It’s pretty obvious — this woman definitely needed something…But what?  What did she need?  One might say she needed to get the heck out of that airport, but is that the deep need?  I think it goes deeper than that.  But again, what is the need?  What could she be needing — really needing in this situation?

To answer that question, I can use a wonderful resource that I came across on NVC trainer Peggy Smith’s website, www.opencommunication.org.  Peggy joined me some time ago on my radio show, and as I say so often, it was one of the most impactful interviews I have ever conducted on my show.  I learned so much from her in just thirty minutes.  On her website, she shares a deck of cards, called a “needs” deck.  From there, I can just wonder, and try to figure out what needs that were unmet led to the feelings of frustration, sadness, hurt, and hopelessness.

Perhaps she had the need to receive compassion from the person on the other end.  Perhaps the need to have ease or autonomy in using her card was at play.  It could be that the need to be understood and the need for empathy in this situation would have been present too.  Maybe she needed a little kindness.

We can do this every day in many different situations, and when we do this, we can develop an important characteristic: empathy.  We can put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, and understand what the other person may be experiencing.  Not only that, if we can be mindful of the fact that we all have needs, and all we really need to do is make a request to have those needs met, we can get what it is that we truly need.

It’s not a typical conversation to say something like, “When my credit card was declined I felt sad and frustrated, because of my need to have autonomy and ease in getting a rental car and being on my way by using the card…Are you willing to provide some kindness and explain why the card was declined?”  However, the chances of finding a peaceful and satisfactory resolution to the issue is more likely in this case, don’t you agree?

Our feelings usually stem from needs that may be met or unmet.  Many times we fail in making requests to have our needs met, probably because we’re just not used to asking for them.  Let’s face it — we’re not taught how to communicate that way.  At least I know I wasn’t taught to communicate like that.  I am still working on it!

What do you think?  Can you relate to a time when you had a need, but didn’t know how to make a request, resulting in negative feelings and the need remaining unmet?  What is it that you need?  How can you request to have it met?  It really gives us something to think about, doesn’t it?

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