Is “Measuring Up” Holding Us Back? | VictorSchueller.com

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“To really ‘live,’ that is to find life reasonably satisfying, you must have an adequate and realistic self image that you can live with. You must find your self acceptable to ‘you.’ You must have a wholesome self-esteem. You must have a self that you can trust and believe in. You must have a self that you are not ashamed to ‘be,’ and one that you can feel free to express creatively, rather than to hide or cover up. You must have a self that corresponds to reality so that you can function effectively in a real world. You must know yourself—both your strengths and your weaknesses and be honest with yourself concerning both. Your self-image must be a reasonable approximation of ‘you,’ being neither more than you are, nor less than you are.” ~Maxwell Maltz

About a year and a half ago I decided to attend a conference for professional speakers.  It was a great weekend — I met some really nice people, and I learned a lot in the process.  One of the treats of the weekend was getting the opportunity to learn from one of the “big names” in the speaking industry, and I walked away with a wealth of information to use from here on out.  Overall, it was a productive weekend.

How do you do when walking into a new environment — when you know you’re going somewhere where you know you won’t know anybody, and where you will be asked over and over again to introduce yourself and answer questions about yourself?  Are you nervous?  Are you a bit fearful?  Truth to be told, I have never been comfortable at events like this in the past.  I never was a fan of these types of events, partially because I felt like I didn’t “belong” there with the other people.  I felt that the “others” were more experienced, polished, and “worthy” of being there than I.  Have you ever experienced that sort of “I really don’t fit in here with all these people” moment?  I think we have all experienced that nervousness somewhere along the line.  Maybe we still do to this day!

Where do you believe those feeling come from?  I believe that the feeling of fear and nervousness comes from a perception of how we “measure up” to other people.  I believe that we assign a relative “worth” to others, and then compare it to ourselves.  What do we use to assign this “worth?”  Perhaps it’s experience; perhaps it’s charisma and confidence.  Perhaps it’s how “well known” someone is in the public sector.  Can you relate?  Have you ever met someone who was a “guru” of some sort, or another “famous” person, and felt so overwhelmed and just in awe, simply because you were in their presence?

So, let me ask you a question…Take away all the “perceptions” of “worth” that you have about this “famous” person, and what do we have?  We have just another person.  Another person, just like you and me.  No more, and no less.  This was the realization I had as I approached that weekend of the conference.  I had reached a point where I had found myself in a mindset that was calming and reassuring, with no pressure or nervousness.  I realized that it was my own “self image” which had been holding me back at events like this in the past.  It was all a creation of my own mind.  It was my own “measuring up” and comparing myself to others that was leading to my apprehensions.  Once I figured this out, everything changed.

I no longer worried what other people thought of me; I didn’t care if people liked me or not.  I had confidence in my abilities and I felt that I was “worthy” and that I “belonged” right there with everyone else.  I felt extremely comfortable working the floor, and talking with other people.  Were there people who had experienced more “success” than I?  Absolutely!  Were there people there who had more experience than I?  Without a doubt!  I didn’t care!

On the second day of the conference, the featured speaker arrived.  During a break in the session, there was a long line of people who were waiting in line to shake a hand, get an autograph, or get a photograph.  While I recognized that this person is well known (throughout the world) and extremely successful, I didn’t feel the need or desire to jump in the line.  Truth to be told, this speaker would never remember who I was anyway, so what would I really gain from this possible encounter?  The opportunity to say I “shared” the stage with this “world renowned” personality?  Sure, I guess!

Don’t get me wrong — it’s not about ego here.  It’s not about me feeling I need to boost myself up and pretend that I don’t care who this person is.  I care, but I don’t care that much.  I was at peace with myself.  I felt comfortable in my own skin, for once, and I didn’t care who was in the room, who I met or didn’t meet.  I didn’t care if I rubbed shoulders with the “right” people, or got in on the “right” new ventures that were out there waiting for me.  I didn’t care!

Why do we worry if we don’t measure up?  So much suffering comes from the attachment we have to feeling that we are deemed “of worth” by others.  We don’t need to worry about what others think.  It only serves the ego.  Simple acceptance of the fact that we are who we are is enough.  If we love ourselves, the rest doesn’t matter.

When we boost others up and then end up feeling bad about who we are as a result, we only feel less than “good enough” because we now believe we don’t “measure up.”  We do it to ourselves.  We can end up loving ourselves less, and in the process feel down and depressed, or even angry or jealous of others.

Don’t worry about measuring up to others.  Feelings of “worth” are only creations of our minds.  When we simplify who we are and what we are, what are we?  We are flesh and bone; further reduced, we are just the elements of the earth — nothing less, and nothing more.  We are all cut from the same cloth.  We are great beings of spirit, residing in the machinery of the body.  We are all connected and equal with each other.  We are all here to accomplish the same thing, which is to learn how to become more compassionate and loving toward other beings.

If we learn to support each other, there is no room for judgment, jealousy, or negativity.  We can always make more room for love in our hearts, and squeeze out that space which is dedicated to negativity, aggression, and hostility.

Don’t worry about what other people think.  We can just ask ourselves what we think.  We can ask ourselves how can we live our lives with more love and compassion.  Perhaps it’s just simply smiling toward another person to make their day better.  Besides, don’t you think that’s the way we were destined to live — with a smile on our faces?

I know that I was smiling the entire weekend, because I had reached a place of peace and self contentment.  I was smiling in the car; I was smiling at the airport (even humming while waiting in line).  I was smiling at the conference, and I smiled all the way back home.  I felt great!  I loved being me!

“Measuring up” to others only holds us back.  It’s time to let go of our need to feel “worthy” of others’ acceptance.  It’s time to be content with who we are.  After all, we are awesome inside — and it’s time we start finding it!  We are great!

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