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I am never going to claim I have all the answers. This is a question that I struggle with, so I want to open it up to you. Please answer this question for me, and follow up with an explanation behind the reason you chose your answer. I want to make this an interactive post, and I want you to think of it as your way of helping me come to a decision on this question.
Here’s why I am asking this question of you…On the surface, the answer appears to be an easy “yes”…A million times…However, have you ever answered a question because you knew it was the answer you should answer, knowing that perhaps you actually feel differently? A couple of months ago, I wrote a post, which was well-intentioned, and while I got lots of positive feedback, I also got some push back. Now, push back is great — no lie — because it really opens me to other perspectives. Differences can lead to opportunities, for sure.
I have a few things for you to chew on before you spit out an answer. Ask yourself this question…”Can I ever have too much compassion, empathy, or forgiveness…If someone were bullying me, and treating me horribly?” Here’s another…”Can I ever have too much compassion, empathy, or forgiveness…If someone were breaking into my house and about to seriously and intentionally threaten the safety and lives of my family members?”
These are tough questions — questions I want you to think about. On the surface, without adding the second part of the questions I did above, the answer appears easy. However, if you ask someone who is or was bullied or the victim of a horrible offense, or put yourself in their shoes, the answer may not be so easy.
When providing your responses, I want you to please be respectful of differences of opinion. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, and just because an opinion differs from yours doesn’t mean that the differing opinion is wrong. I want a respectful conversation that encourages the sharing of perspectives and ideas. The last thing I want is an escalation into an argument. Let’s keep it respectful and clean. 🙂
What do you think? Can you ever have too much compassion, empathy, or forgiveness? Let me know your thoughts, please! I want to know! Please use the Facebook comments area below if possible so we can encourage a wider dialogue. You should also encourage others you know to weigh in! Thanks for your help! I appreciate it!
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It is an interesting question. If somebody is rude, violent or threatening without any provocation, it is an indication that they are mentally disturbed for some reason. We can only show compassion, empathy and forgiveness for such people. If they are mentally sound we don’t have to show any of these because they wouldn’t have behaved badly. On the spur of the moment, some people tend to get angry or violent with such people, but I am sure it wouldn’t help.
DSS, I like how you remind us that we should direct compassion toward those who need it, rather than anger or frustration. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I really appreciate them! Take care!
To me the answer is all about context. I might forgive you for breaking in at the same time I am pulling the trigger on a gun because you pose a threat to my family. I am not shooting you because I hate you, or because I lack compassion. My compassion capacity – if it is that great, also extends to my family. If I shoot the burglar and they die… I can still forgive them… and I can have empathy for them. Having empathy, compassion and forgiveness doesn't equoate to rolling over and being a punching bag or door mat for them. Compassion isn't pretending that a bully doesn't need help in finding greater self awareness about how their behavior negatively affects others. My compassion for the criminal is to help them experience the consequences of their choices so they can learn to make better ones.
Kirk, this is very insightful. I like how you pick apart and distinguish compassion from violence. Many responses I had seen in the past didn't do this…I have heard comments that suggest that you can't be compassionate or forgiving to those who act aggressively because to be compassionate or forgiving would mean that one would be acting in such a way as a substitution for defending one's self. Very helpful indeed!
Thank you so much for dropping by and sharing your viewpoint! It was very helpful! 🙂
This is a very good question. First, if someone is under attack, self-preservation comes first. Later, when in a safe place, the time to reflect on compassion and forgiveness is at hand. I see compassion in workplace bullying contexts at three different levels. The first is to try to have compassion for others at all times. That means, don’t gossip about coworkers, don’t help management get rid of coworkers, and don’t help coworkers take down management. Be a compassionate person to begin with and you won’t find yourself behaving badly, or convincing yourself that it is justified to do so.
The second is if someone is being targeted by an individual or group, exercise cautious compassion. Trying to understand the fears and positions of others can help you to avoid the behaviors that could escalate the aggression aimed at you. It can also help you avoid demanding too much of others; it is natural to want others to come to your aid when under attack, but the truth is, few will do so and the more you expect your coworkers to help, the more angry they will become at you — which is what can turn a conflict with a bully boss into a conflict with a resentful mob.
Finally, after the damage is done, if you weren’t able to avoid the aggression, compassion and forgiveness can be hard to come by. If you have lost your job to bullying aggression, you may pay a heavy price, while those who went after you may well have reaped rewards for their participation. The key to recovery is to heal, and hanging on to the anger and rage prevent healing. Finding compassion, if not forgiveness, for those who have brought us great pain never need be communicated to those who have hurt us, but in finding that place of human understanding, we are better able to recover our own dignity and peace of mind. The ultimate state of forgiveness may never come, but the efforts to reach that state are steps we can take in our own souls and chattering minds to move us from rage to recovery.
Janice,
It is so nice to see you here and read your comment! Like Kirk’s comment, I see that you are separating it out. It’s a great way to look at it. Self-preservation, as Kirk had said, can be done, but compassion can still follow. I like your recommendation of taking proactive measures to not gossip or furthering the ill-intentioned agendas of others. Good point. Throw in the compassion and empathy in trying to understand others’ positions or fears could be beneficial too. I like it!
Thanks so much for stopping by and offering your opinion! I appreciate it greatly! 🙂
Great question Victor! My answer is simple: Yes, I think you can have empathy, compassion and forgiveness yet still protect those and the ones you love. In fact if you don’t feel that you might end up hurting yourself down the line. Easy to say though because I haven’t been in that position and hopefully never will be.
Betsy,
Thanks for weighing in. You’re right in line with the other responses. It’s true — sometimes holding onto resentment and anger just hurts you in the end. It’s easy to see the benefits of compassion and forgiveness –sometimes in difficult situations it’s harder to convince one’s self that it’s the best way. Sometimes when I post an inspirational quote or a quote that emphasizes compassion, I get a response along the lines of “Easier said than done,” which is why I am asking this question and probing the minds of some wonderful people. I want to know what others think. Thanks again for stopping by!
There isn't a limit or quota for compassion, empathy, or forgiveness. 🙂 Regardless of the situation, we should aim for a loving response. That being said, it's ok to defend yourself and others from physical harm. Acting on self-defense doesn't exclude aiming to have compassion and forgiveness towards the person who tried to hurt you or others.
Andrea, thanks for lending your response. I am with you — going with the loving response. I thought about it more today, and I realized that to offer compassion and forgiveness doesn't mean that you absolve one of responsibility. The two are exclusive. This is very helpful. Thanks!
Hi Victor,
I would say, we can never have too much compassion, empathy and forgiveness. There is always a deeper reason behind any action. When you discover what that reason is, you then understand the emotional level and the thought process of the person involved.
That being said, we also may need to defend ourselves at the moment. I may feel compassion, empathy and forgiveness, but my and my family’s personal safety at the moment comes first.
Good question…complicated answer!
Cathy,
It’s nice to see you again! I hope all is well with you! 🙂
The answer is complicated — on the surface it seems cut and dried, but when you start laying out the scenarios and layering context over the top, it isn’t so easy. I have been enlightened by all the responses here, and yours is no exception. I agree with you that there is always something behind a person’s actions and deeds, and without empathy and compassion we will have a difficult time realizing what the background information is.
Thanks for coming by and responding! I really appreciate it. Take care!
I'm not sure how you would guage 'too much'. With regards to the two questions specifically posed, I would have no compassion or empathy at the time of the 'offences' because I know of no reason at that particular time to have any. Forgiveness is likely after a period of 'healing' because without forgiveness you cannot release any anger.
David, thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it! I am seeing that people are separating the two, which I hadn't even considered before, so this is very valuable. Thanks for your insight and wisdom! I really appreciate it! Take care!
Interesting question Victor. I think it’s all about context. Being threatened, or family being threatened, no contest…take care of them first, forgive later. In contexts where safety isn’t an issue… empathy/forgiveness might be our second emotion,, but we need it, for without it we keep us and the perpetrator in a prison. Compassion and forgiveness releases us all.
Encourage one another.
Elle.
Elle,
Thank you for coming by and adding to the conversation! I love hearing from you! You’re right to the point, and concise — It’s very helpful. It appears that the concept of context is the consistent theme — as you had said so well, “take care of them first, forgive later.” That’s a wonderful way to sum it up, and through all of these responses I am being enlightened with great collective wisdom! This is so awesome!
Forgiveness does release us all. Thanks Elle!
What a great question. The answer, for me, is a very easy no. I’m intentionally not reading other responses before commenting.
I think my answer has a lot to do with my definition/understanding of compassion, empathy and forgiveness. For instance, if someone broke into my house and they were an immediate threat to the safety of my family… Guess what? I wouldn’t hesitate to defend myself and my family even if that meant I killed them. Now, that’s not because I’m not compassionate, empathetic or forgiving. I’d completely understand that this person may have had a bad childhood, maybe they were starving, maybe they were on the verge of a psychotic break. I’d forgive them for creating the situation. I’d empathize with whatever they may have been going through. BUT that doesn’t mean I should/would allow them to do harm to me or others.
Yesterday, I published a post called Trying to Make Others Happy. It covers a subject similar to your question because it looks at how you must first be responsible to yourself. It’s great to love others, to wish the best for them, to help as much as you can, to be compassionate, to empathize, and to forgive. You can’t have too much of that. And none of these things require you to mistreat yourself.
I forgive those who hurt me because I know that holding onto the bitterness is a way of re-victimizing myself. But forgiving doesn’t mean I’ll stay in a bad situation or condone wrongdoing.
I show compassion and I empathize because I know that there’s always more to a person’s choices than what I see on the surface. With that said, I believe in making the Highest choice. Allowing someone to hurt me isn’t the Highest choice. It isn’t compassion to get stepped on and empathizing doesn’t mean allowing yourself (or others) to be harmed.
Nea,
Awesome to see you on here! I hope you had the opportunity, after posting your own reply, to check out the other responses. Your line of thinking is strikingly consistent with the others…I am seeing a pattern, and I am learning a lot! I love this!
I really like how you mentioned the “Highest choice.” You are right — it’s not compassionate to let yourself be harmed.
I can’t thank you enough for stopping by and adding your comment. It’s nice to have you!
Take care!
Hi Victor,
For me, the crux of your question comes down to a misunderstanding of what compassion and forgiveness are. Forgiving someone has nothing to do with them and everything to do with us. It’s not about letting them off the hook or allowing them to hurt us. We can forgive someone, feel compassion for them and even love them, and still choose to distance ourselves from them.
I had this experience just a couple of weeks ago. A friend did something that I found quite disrespectful. I made my peace with it, released the cause of my negative emotion (the reason I felt bad was because his behavior triggered a negative belief I had inside me) and then released it to the Universe. He called me and we got together. I explained that I had forgiven him (for my sake) and that I wasn’t angry (I had been annoyed, but released that, too) and that I still loved him and always would. But I also explained that I wasn’t ok with what he’d done and if he should ever do it again, well. I can love him whether he’s in my life or not. Because my feeling of love is about me and how i feel. I may use him as an excuse to feel that way, but I don’t need him for it. I can love and still choose to distance myself from my excuse for love. 🙂
Really interesting topic!
Happy Shiny Puppy Hugs!
Melody
Melody,
Thanks for dropping by! I like your comment, because you bring out some very insightful points. I remember reading your post about forgiveness, and yes, I remember you said that it has to do with ourselves — that we hurt ourselves more by not forgiving and moving on. Thanks for that reminder. You are absolutely right — forgiveness has to do with our internal selves. We can forgive, but that doesn’t remove responsibility or consequence. Thanks for joining the conversation! 🙂
Hi Victor,
An intersting question. On the surface it does seem easy. However, in my mind even the context change seems easy as well. I will probably have the unpopular answer here and I’m okay with that. For this question I would say “No”, one cannot have to too much compassion, forgiveness, etc for people. However, my answer is not for the reasons that you might think and carries and important caveat.
I say “no” because you are the only person in control of how much compassion you choose to give someone. Everyone has their limits; points where they throw their hands up in the air and say no more. For example, if you have a spouse who treats you badly most people will reach a point when they can’t take it anymore and leave.
Sure, there are exceptions; people who are afflicted by mental illness is one example. Interestingly, if you yourself suffer from a psychological trauma then you might develop Stockholm Syndrome or soemthing like that, which would also be an exception. But, as a healthy, well-adjusted person most people will give compassion until they reach their limit (which is different for everyone) and then call it quits and stop being compassionate.
I think that this behavior stems from two factors; one being a leftover element of evolutionary psychology that we need to protect ourselves, and the other I believe is directly related to our sociability and extrovertedness. I would surmize that those who score as being “more social” on the MMPI-2 would also be more compassionate and have higher tolerances.
Anyway, those are my two cents on the matter.
Kind Regards,
-Johnathan
Johnathan,
Thanks for leaving your comments. Nice to see you!
I agree with you that there is a “leftover” element of evolutionary psychology — that need to protect ourselves, which causes issues. I believe you’re right on with that! Thanks again for stopping by. Come back again soon!
Best wishes!
I would say that, in the end, you have to locate your compassion and forgiveness. For yourself. Otherwise you harm yourself and keep yourself stuck. At the time, it may not be so easy. You are responsible only for yourself. Really horrifying, seemingly unforgivable atrocities happen. In the end, the best thing to do is to find it within yourself to send them love. There is a reason why the event occurred, and if you can, try to unravel it so you can see if there is anything to learn from it. Even if not, if it is completely senseless as far as you can see, when one person heals, we all heal. Sending out anger or hatred has to be overcome at some point, somehow.
You have some really insightful comments going here from a very thoughtful readership.
[…] and thoughts honestly without undue fear of being critiqued or being judged as “wrong.” They respect themselves and others, and their goal is not to change others, just […]
Too much forgiveness. There is not such thing as some forgiveness. We either forgive completely or not at all period. Too much compassion again you can limit compassion. Love is limitless. Too much empathy no. But codependency looks like empathy and it’s not. Think of Victor Frankl and Man’s Search for Meaning. We can limit qualities that have no limits.
Tess,
It’s nice to see you! Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment! 🙂
You know, I never thought of it that way, but you are right: you can’t forgive somewhat. You either forgive or you don’t. Thanks for providing this perspective. I like it a lot! Thanks again for stopping by! Do so again! 🙂
I will! Have a nice weekend.
It is also so much easier to have compassion for the oppressed and distressed rather than for those around you who wrong you in everyday matters.
Compassion is Divine so whoever wants to be nearer to Allah would try to be compassionate.