Inside the minds of those prone to bullying

Getting inside the mind of a person who is prone to bullying can be helpful when trying to figure out how to deal with them when their ineffective (and harmful) behaviors negatively affect you or other people.  I always figure if you can get in the mind of someone, perhaps then you can start to answer the “whys” behind their behavior, and once you understand the “why” you know where they are “coming from,” you can begin to come up with ways to solve the problem you are facing.So what makes someone who is prone to bullying “tick?”  Why is it that someone can be a perfectly respectable person in one context, yet one who significantly disrupts the lives of one or more people in a different context?  What is going on?It really comes down to an appreciation for a “balance” of “power.”  A person prone to bullying usually sizes up one or more people and assigns a certain “threat potential” to them.  They essentially are sizing up others to see how much “power” the other person can potentially “take away” from them.  The bigger the threat, the bigger the potential problem.  This concept of power being a finite or fixed quantity goes right back into a post I had previously written about the “F” word — fear.I know it sounds like I may be beating a dead horse here, but really the concept is largely the same.  When someone fears losing something — “power” included — they start to become more concerned with self preservation.  In a nutshell, when a person perceives a situation (or person) as a threat to the balance of “power” (usually meaning they will end up with less than they currently have), they fear losing out on their piece of the “power pie.”  They have to act in ways that take power out of the hands of others so they have a bigger piece of the pie.  This is especially difficult if they have held a large share of the pie, only to see that a new up-and-comer in the organization has the potential to take some of their share away from them.

This belief system is entirely flawed, of course, because there is no fixed amount of “power” out there.  “Power” is not a commodity available in fixed qualities.  I believe that it’s hard to even define what “power” is.  Is “power” defined as popularity in the eyes of others, or is it defined as authority over others or certain responsibilities?  Is “power” defined as a set of information that is proprietary to someone?  What really is “power?”  When it comes down to it, the issue is not about what  “power” is in the eyes of someone who is prone to bullying…It’s more about the level of fear over losing that source of “power.”  The greater the fear, the more drastic the measures that need to be taken to prevent the loss of that “power.”

Our brains are built as two systems in one, really.  One system is the higher, more advanced and “thinking” part of the brain.  The other system is the lower, more reflex-based system which resembles reptile brains.  It is involved in tasks which are aimed at keeping us alive, from controlling our breathing and heart rate, to detecting external threats and mobilizing to prevent injury or death.  Whenever we perceive something as threatening, our lower brain centers become active, and we move into a self-preservation mode.

The truth of the matter is that a threat to someone’s source of “power” hardly is the kind of threat that is going to cause the loss of life.  Our primitive brains, however, don’t know the difference.  They just know they are “agitated” for some reason, and they need to prepare to either fight or flee.  Usually through ineffective behavior patterns and coping mechanisms, the individual is engaged in “defend” or “attack” mode, or both, resulting in the behaviors usually associated with bullying.  I don’t need to go in to the types of behaviors associated with bullying, because it seems like everyone has a good idea of what those behaviors typically are.

If you peel everything away down to the core, it’s clear that the lower centers of the brain of someone who is prone to bullying is engaged in a “defend” or attack” mode, initiated by a perceived threat of the loss of “power.” More correctly, it is initiated by the fear of losing the source of “power.”

So you may be thinking, “Well, now I know the ‘why,’ but that doesn’t help me fix the problem.”  You are right — it doesn’t.  However, I can provide some recommendations for you, which are basic and may give you some success.  I don’t claim to be an expert, but I have utilized these techniques when coaching individuals who have been dealing with difficult people, and have experienced great success.

I’ll be happy to share those recommendations with you — tomorrow!  Until then, have a great day!

Best wishes,

-Victor

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